A Naive Expat in Thailand

[TBWG]

Chapter 1 vol one. act1 


 A Naive Expat in Thailand 



When in Thailand I tend to rise early, remove still warm bread from bread making machine cut a couple of thick slices and coat liberally with marmite.

I then don my silk dressing gown and panama hat (have reputation to maintain as tame, harmless, crazy local farang) and stroll around garden eating marmite bread.

This has many benefits (1) entertains locals (2) fends off mossies! apparently they do not like yeast and the marmite smell that exudes from our skin after eating. (Imperceptible to humans) (3) enables me to feed fish (pla nin) and size up potential victim for lunch. (4) check on any work that needs doing in garden.

I then retire back to the house making several random, irrational gestures to nothing in particular for the benefit of any locals still bored enough to be hanging around.

………………………

Now for a cup of coffee or fresh squeezed orange juice whilst I plan my foray to the newsagent for the Bangkok Post, sit up and beg Thai style Mary Poppins bike or Motocy? flip 5 baht coin, motocy it is, helmet direction? flip coin again. I lose therefore helmet on back to front, this combined with the fact that I am wearing odd knee length socks with shorts should help maintain my credibility as crazy farang.

So off to papershop, however sidetracked by visit to bakers, arrive in a cloud of dust revving motocy and generally making a lot of noise, this has 2 benefits (1) lets baker run and hide in back of shop (2) enables him to send out attractive teenage daughter to serve me. Now ensues a daily ritual where I pretend not to know the price of banana bread loaf and complain about extortionate price being demanded from gullible farang, threaten to take business elsewhere (difficult because he is only baker in town). As no crowd has gathered I decide to move on after making my purchase, much to the disappointment of attractive teenage daughter who was hoping for more entertainment.

Right so its off to the papershop....arrive in cloud of dust, noise etc; do you detect a theme here? However owner of papershop is having none of it and keeps attractive daughters out of sight, he also takes the wind out of my sails by berating the lackadaisical attitude of the Bangkok bus operator who brings the papers to town. But he and I both know that I deliberately arrive 5 minutes before the bus so that I can have a whinge and chat to his attractive daughters. my ploy however has failed miserably and I have time to kill.

I know a haircut! So I make my way to the only barber left in town from which I am not banned. Not sure of his attractive daughter status. Anyway I tell him I want a Piers Brosnan look alike haircut, how was I to know he was deaf! 5 minutes later I look like a demented badger who has come off worse from an argument with a strimmer. Several attractive daughters now appear and collapse in a heap giggling and pointing. Why these local barbers cannot convert my 6 dozen strands of hair into an 007 lookalike I will never know. That’s Brosnan not Connery already have his hairstyle!

So now decide to pay a visit to the market but despite doing 3 circuits only get 2 marriage proposals and one commitment of undying love! not a very good tally and put it down to my bad hair day! I do however notice some turtles that are being sold for the pot and decide to rescue them at some vastly inflated gullible farang price. So its straight to he river to give them their freedom until the next time.

Feeling good on the way home I decide to give the pla nin a break and buy a couple dozen satay sticks and a half gallon polythene bag of lemon tea for lunch.

When I get back to the house word has got around about the farang’s haircut and a crowd of locals has gathered for the entertainment! When I remove he helmet there are hoots of laughter and several derisive comments and I swear a couple of them are peeing themselves. But so what I have my public to think of and standards to maintain.

Besides I have freed some turtles saved a pla nin from the pan.

It then occurs to me that I still don't have my Bangkok post and what is that the wife is cooking, looks suspiciously like a pla nin!! God I love Thailand and its still only lunchtime.

Let me know if you want further updates?

[Somnat]

TBWG.....yes please...i want to hear act 2 (and i am sure there are many more lurkers here that would also like to hear)

You may even set a trend here. Imagine if we all started talking about our very intresting day to day lifes here in  .

I hope it takes off hungry

[TBWG]

Hi Somnat

Well I am pleased someone replied ...and  here is a bit more in the life of a naive farang. I am continuing (a) because Somnat deserves a reply (b) I like talking about myself and (c) I've nothing better to do cos I've been grounded by the boss lady!!!


Well I am sitting on the terrace looking at the pond and feeling a bit bloated probably due to the fact that I have consumed half gallon of iced lemon tea and a couple of dozen satay sticks. I am also feeling a bit guilty over the demise of yet another pla nin.

I also regret planting one of those b****y lotus lilies in the pond and I now know why you see them growing everywhere. In 2 months it has taken over the pond and I am fed up saying its just what I wanted after boss lady told me that I would live to regret it.

I know, I will get local labour to remove all the lily leaves, the theory being that deprived of sunlight it will soon die, great idea! So wife’s sister it promptly dispatched to get Mr Curly & Mel. They arrive in no time at all as they know that my fridge is always well stocked with beer and I pay well, they don’t seem in the least put off by what needs to be done. It’s at this point I should tell readers that pond has sloping sides and is 3-4 meters deep.

Anyway both strip down to shorts and jump in Mel has no problems and is pulling out great armfuls of lily leaves, however Mr Curly is just going under for the third time when I realise that he is out of his depth and can’t swim! Quick as a flash I grab the great bamboo pole that I use for clearing debris from pond and lunge at the area where Mr Curly was last seen, this is just as he is about to resurface and I deliver him a great whack on the head, but at least he is aware of the pole and grabs it as though his life depended on it, which in hindsight it probably did!

We now pull him out and he has turned white as a sheet, has a large lump on his forehead and is coughing up lungful’s of brown water, at this point had he been an attractive Thai teenage girl I would have energetically administered the kiss of life, however, I draw the line at thirty something male labourers. Half a bottle of Lao Kao later he is fighting fit and ready to begin again, but what’s this coming down the road a Michelin man on a motorsai? No it’s the wife’s sister wearing a second hand lorry inner tube, quick thinking on her part and Mr Curly is soon floating around tugging out lily leaves left, right and centre, his recent near demise soon forgotten. .

The boss lady now proceeds to give me a 20 minute verbal lashing the gist of it being that the Boys In Brown take a dim view of farangs drowning the locals. She also suggests that this is a pretty lousy job and they should be recompensed well with 1,000 baht between them being the agreed amount.

I now decide to have a lay down while boss lady oversees the work and generally orders everyone about.

Couple of hours later I awake to see them just putting the final leaves on a huge pile which they promise to come and remove tomorrow. I must now admit that lily less pond looks a hell of a lot better and tuck a 1000 baht note in Mr Curly’s shirt pocket.

What now transpires is a touching moment where labour look shocked at large amount and try to give it back for a more modest sum, but no I insist they take it and feel humbled that they are so honest and damn fine human beings.

I now retire to terrace with a beer and admire their handiwork and congratulate myself on such a good idea. However this does not last long as boss lady comes back from market with evening meal and I tell her that labour is returning tomorrow and that I have paid them. Boss lady now goes ballistic; she paid them prior to going to market! What now ensues is a 20 minute verbal lashing the gist of which is…. why am I so stupid and always leave my brains in England!

The outcome of which is that Mr Curly and Mel plus 2,000 baht equal 3 days drunken stupor and consequent non appearance.

This is probably for the best as it keeps me occupied and out of harms way for the next few days moving rotting lily leaves. Which is no bad thing bearing in mind the unfortunate sequence of events which was about to unfold at the local karaoke bar that very evening……but that’s another story!

TBWG

Perhaps other members would like to tell about their Buriram days?
 

[TBWG]

Hi

See action shot ... Mr Curly was doing his impression of a submarine when pic was taken !

TBWG

[Lourens]

Maybe the ADMIN would like to start a new section called "A day in the life..."

[Admin]

He just did.. 

Lets set some ideas for the blogs. Do you think the board should be open for discussion inside each blog or each person wants to open blog will need to get EXCLUSIVE managment permission for his blog only without the option to get replies??

respect 

[TBWG]

He just did.. 

Lets set some ideas for the blogs. Do you think the board should be open for discussion inside each blog or each person wants to open blog will need to get EXCLUSIVE managment permission for his blog only without the option to get replies??

respect 

Hi

Hope you don't live to regret this as I am about to embark on boring everyone rigid with the minutiae of life in Thailand ..would welcome response from other member preferably congratulating me on what a good chap I am


TBWG

[Admin]

hehe.. you made me laugh.. I give you my blessing as you're the first blogger in "Buriram Expats" and in Buriram at all I think   

[Lourens]

Thank you for this opportunity. I think it should stay open for discussion and comments just like any other topic.

I have been blogging about life in and around Buriram for quite a while on that other website...

[Somnat]

Agree Lourens...and then people, if intrested, can relate their experiences and comments to that particular post. Or simply just read.

Anyone can also start their own "Blog" type post in the Community Blogs (as you have done)

Well done to ADMIN for getting that up and running so quick

Go 

[TBWG]

Thank you for this opportunity. I think it should stay open for discussion and comments just like any other topic.

I have been blogging about life in and around Buriram for quite a while on that other website...

Hi avid fans

Well it looks as though Lourens is going to supply the intellectual material so it's down to me to supply the mundane dross!

But it looks as tho he has let the cat out of the bag about this being old material off the other site... never mind you aren't supposed to know that!

Anyway here goes....

Chapter 1 vol one. act11 



Well I am currently trying to summon up the courage to put into print the details of the unfortunate events that unfolded that evening at the Karaoke bar.

However, before doing so I have to mentally prepare for the possibility of a re-occurrence of the flashbacks and nightmares that followed that fateful evening.

After all, the last thing I want to do is bring on a bout of my old trouble, the coprolalia phase of my latent Tourette's syndrome is particularly embarrassing. (Google it) Wikipedia

……………………………….

[TBWG]

Hi all

Trust you are all waiting with bated breath!

Chapter 1 vol one. act111

Feeling suitably chastised for my stupidity over the water lily fiasco I decided I would have a beer or two at the local bar, so off I set on my sit up and beg Thai bike, The boss lady will not allow me out after dark on the motorsai following numerous incidents, near misses and the occasional dog bite.

However, all that pedaling makes me work up quite a thirst and I am convinced that I drink far more when on the bike than on the motorsai. I suppose the boss lady thinks that I can’t get up to any mischief on the bike and that any accidents are likely to be at lower speeds! Anyway I arrived at the local Karaoke bar with quite a thirst.

Upon entry something did not seem quite right, there was a farang I had seen a few times before sitting in the corner with a lot of Thai girls all around him and they were all smirking at me. The farang had a particularly evil grin on his face and was bathed in the green light reflected off a couple of dozen empty beer bottles lined up in front of him.

At this stage I should perhaps mention that in my previous visits to the bar I had declined to sing. I don’t know what possessed me but in a beer induced act of bravado I had said words to the effect that I had had professional training and would not dream of lowering my standards. Nothing less than opera in Italian would do for me and to add a bit authority I blurted out that Nessun Dorma by Puccini was my particular specialty.

Now the fact is it’s the only classical "tune" I know the name of and that’s only because it was used to accompany all the Euro 2000 footie matches and I would join in a duet with Pavarotti for the Encharro chorus at the end!

It now transpires that the farang in the corner had that very afternoon returned from that’s it you’ve guessed it Italy with a copy of, you’ve guessed Nessun Dorma and by the techno magic of the karaoke box they can edit out the vocals.

Bearing in mind that I am tone deaf and my entire Italian vocabulary consists of minestrone, bella bella and spag boll you might now have a grasp of my dilemma. How the hell was I going to get out of this one without losing mega face!

I now somewhat unconvincingly said I was looking forward to showing off my vocal skills later that evening and needed a beer or two to lubricate the vocal cords. All the time the farang was looking more and more smug in his corner. Presumably knowing I was lying through my teeth, as he supped more beer.

My mind now went completely blank as I tried in vain to think of a way out of my self induced predicament.

Short of divine intervention I was about to be exposed as a monumental fraud. Well as it happens divine intervention came from an unexpected source!


To be continued............................


TBWG

[Somnat]

Soon I hope TBWG..... better story than the thriller i am reading by Jack Higgins

[TBWG]

Soon I hope TBWG..... better story than the thriller i am reading by Jack Higgins

Hi Somnat

Like a fairy godmother ... your wish is my command

Well as it happens divine intervention came from an unexpected source! The farang  in the corner now took on a pained expression, it then occurred to me that his ever growing hoard of empty beer bottles were brown Singha bottles and he was in fact physically turning green nothing to do with refracted light. The girls around him sensed that something was amiss and started to back away. Meanwhile in an effort to keep a low profile I had moved to the back of the bar away from everyone, desperately hoping the ground would open up and swallow me whole.

What happened next occurred so quickly that it is difficult to know the exact sequence of events, but it went something like this.

The green farang all of a sudden erupted with an enormous projectile vomit which managed to cover everyone and everything within a 2 meter radius, lots of screaming from the assembled girls and everyone pushing and shoving to get out of range! Whether it was the putrid liquid that got to the karaoke machine or whether it was knocked over in the melee I am not sure, but the end result was fused electrics and a complete blackout with lots more screaming and shouting.

Anyway sensing my miraculous deliverance was close at hand all my senses became heightened as I dropped onto all fours, shot under the table like a rat up a drainpipe and out the back door into the alleyway where I had parked my trusty bike. Quick as a flash I was on the bike and away as fast as my legs could peddle and silently thanking Buddha that I had not had the motorsai with all the problems keys could have involved.

The noise of the commotion was swiftly fading into the distance when it occurred to me that it was only moonlight illuminating the way and that the entire area was in darkness, we had managed to blackout every property in the local area!

I now had to try and compose myself for my return home and was relived to see our lights still on and was luckily able to sneak in without attracting the boss lady’s attention. I then set about filling the bread maker ready for breakfast next morning when she appeared inquiring if I had a good time and wasn’t I home rather early.

To which I replied along the lines that it was rather quiet down there and I thought I’d have a shower and an early night. This turned out to be a real dumb move as next day the full horror of the event  was repeated to her in ever exaggerated versions by just about everyone in the district.

Consequently I am not allowed out after dark at the moment so I have plenty of time to relay the gory details.

I eventually found out that I owe my escape to one rather dodgy airline meal involving cous cous and matured sea cucumber plus a couple of dozen bottles of Singha. The farang has also kept a low profile since the fiasco and I am now banned from Somchai’s karaoke bar.

God I love Thailand

TBWG

To Be continued

[/b]

[TBWG]

Hi ...here we go again

Chapter 2 vol one. act1

 



Well my 90 days is up so it's visa renewal time. I've only seen a few thousand temples, so it's about time I had another fix, so its off to Cambodia for a couple of days to see Angkor Wat!

A quick trawl of the net soon finds suitable accommodation..."The Dead Fish Tower Hotel" It advertises that they don't serve Dog, Cat, Rat or worm!! (by worm I think they mean snake, you would need an awful lot of worms to make a casserole) I also assume that by serve they mean cook rather than excluding them as clientele but then I did not see any in the bar during my stay.

Whatever, it sounds my kind of establishment. A word of warning though for any possible future guests should you like drinking that cold, draught Angkor beer to the point of falling over, give the in house crocodile pit a wide berth as it could spoil your evening should you finish up in it.

I won't bore you with my tour of Angkor Wat, sufficient to say that after one day I am suffering from temple overload and decide that next day a cruise around Siem Reap is in order to see if I can annoy any of those Japanese and Korean tour parties that are swarming around the place. Unfortunately they won't rise to the bait and close ranks to any outsiders...spoilsports!

So bugger the expense i'll blow 2 dollars and hire a mountain bike for the day and explore the area. Well if you thought Thai drivers were bad they are mere novices compared to the Cambodians, allied to the fact that in theory they drive on the wrong side of the road i.e. the right. Although in practice this is pretty academic as they just go where ever they ###### well please.

Anyway an hour or two's cycling around with the odd glass of beer is a pleasant enough way to spend one's time. But back to my arrival at the airport, I am met by the hotels executive tuk tuk and whilst in the course of driving back see the odd motorcycle being used as a means of getting pigs to market, it occurs to me that this would make an amusing photo opportunity.



So I decide to go and stand on the street corner for half an hour in the hope that a motorcycling pig will put in an appearance. Well standing on a street corner for any length of time in Siem Reap (or anywhere for that matter) is asking for trouble, dozens of kids trying to flog you all sorts of things you don't need plus dubious individuals asking me if I like flower, how did they know I like gardening, h'mm maybe I'm missing the point? Well no pigs put in an appearance.

So I am now cruising around the town on the bike when I see a pigmobile approaching in the opposite direction, throwing caution to the wind I now resort to some Cambodian driving tactics and set off in hot pursuit, if I say so myself I would have done credit to some New York car chase as I cut through the traffic at ever increasing speed and narrowed the gap. Using my multi tasking skills I managed too get said camera out, fire it up and get in a few quick shots all whilst peddling as fast as my legs would go, mission accomplished and pretty good results considering the circumstances, now a few beers as a reward!!

Hope the boss lady does not read this as she has been threatening to put the stabilizers back on my sit up and beg bike to stop me showing off in front of the locals and it might just be he excuse she has been waiting for!

Hope you enjoyed .................more riveting stuff to follow!