A Naive Expat in Thailand

[ccarbaugh]

OH YES!!! - I'm waiting with bated-breath!!!

(Did anyone else see the Elephant on Main Street
with Christmas Tree lights and an Easter Bunny
costume on....
or was it another night of too many Heinekens???)

 

[TBWG]

Hi folks .....the next riveting instalment

Chapter 2 vol one. act11 

It's about time you painted the outside Thai kitchen says the boss lady,  who has now started talking to me again, the natural concrete look is beginning to look tatty not too mention the cheap Charlie image!

A nice cream or magnolia should do the job she says.

Now I am not that keen on painting so I am desperately trying to think of a way out of this predicament, but must admit it could do with a lick of paint.Time to put on my thinking cap.

In a flash of genius I know, lets convert it into a Khmer Temple after my recent visit to Angkor Wat I have a wealth of knowledge about decrepit buildings, however, when it comes to being artistic I am sorely challenged

This calls for a visit to Mr Mitt our local restaurateur who also happens to be a dab hand with the emulsion brush! He can see this as a way to get out of the kitchen for a day or two and jumps at the opportunity although I can see he is somewhat sceptical of my brilliant idea.

Well 2 days later and it is looking just like the real thing (well a Hollywood film set version anyway) So much so that I am thinking of opening it to tourists, farangs 20 baht, Thais 100 baht, I'll get my own back for this double pricing lark, The fact that it is really a kitchen will be quiet handy for flogging somtam to the punters!

So coach parties by appointment only please.....what do you think?

To be continued

[TBWG]

What you have all been waiting for....

Chapter 2 vol one. act111 

The Honda Phantom is due for its first service. Now in the UK when I put the car in for a service I always give it a thorough going over so that it is gleaming like new. The theory being that if they think it is well looked after then they will take more care.

Whether or not it works I don't know but it makes me happy.

So this calls for a visit to the cleaners and an investment of 50 baht to get the Honda sparkling like new (if only it were so cheap in the UK!)

Now the boss lady seeing what time it is 11.30ish decides to invite herself along to supervise. I should have realised that she was not in the least interested in seeing a bike cleaned but more interested in getting out of cooking lunch.

Anyway, after ordering everyone about at the cleaners and putting the fear of Buddha into all the employees lest any bit remain unpolished, she announces that a restaurant is conveniently situated next door and we can have a bite to eat whilst the minions are buffing the chrome!

So far so good.. I tuck into a Pad Thai and a bottle of Archa whilst the boss lady visits every table to talk to some relative or other ( she seems to be related to everybody in Satuk!) Hunger eventually gets the better of her and she settles down to eat what looks like a pink jellyfish negotiating an ice pack!

However, things are looking up it's lunchtime at the local girls school and a gaggle of attractive teenage girls have arrived for lunch. I decide to just sit there and look cool.

Next thing I know i'm flat on my back in a pool of blood looking at the ceiling! Those bloody plastic chairs! the rear legs had decided to part company with the rest of the chair and deposit me on the floor, all the attractive teenage schoolgirls are now looking pityingly at the stupid farang who has been ceremoniously deposited on his arse in the middle of the restaurant.   Oh dear! not the impression I had hoped to make!

Pool of blood is a bit of an exaggeration but I have been left with a nasty gash on the elbow and nobody seems in the least concerned. Lucky us men just take these setbacks in our stride. Being serious for a minute I was very lucky as I came extremely close to going bum first through the glass sliding door. Now that would have been a problem!

But as a True Brit I just gritted my teeth and said it didn't hurt, paid the bill (no charge for the chair) and collected a sparkling honda, then went home and wallowed in self pity.

Buddha ...I love Thailand

[TBWG]

Well I hope someone is reading my literary masterpieces .....as there seems to be a distinct lack of posts encouraging me. tired2

But what the hell I'm thick skinned I'll continue anyway! so here goes.

                   

Vol 9 Act 43 (take one)

Well after a few weeks of keeping my nose clean I am now in the boss ladies good books, so much so that I have now been allowed to go back out on the Honda Phantom, that should increase my range and opportunity for mischief!

But back to more mundane things, I am expecting a visit from an ex work colleague back in the UK. So I suppose some tidying up is in order, to start with I think I will sweep the drive, so where is my yard broom brought at great inconvenience and expense from the UK ( Thai brooms as far as I am concerned are about as much use as glass hammer).

What's this some insect has had it for breakfast!! see pic

Well perhaps Thai brooms have some merit after all! But I'll fix those buggers a good immersing overnight in the water pot should do the trick. Next day I am able to sweep the drive but broom is shedding bristles left right and centre, oh well, thats life.

What's next, ahh yes top up the secret fridge for said guests arrival. As all old Thai hands know it is essential to have a private stock of goodies , beer etc. as it is mandatory that every Thai visiting a fridge has to consume the contents on the spot. In my experience that is why all Thai households have a b****y great fridge that contains only bottled water and out of date medicines, pills, potions and associated medical c**p. Thais being the biggest hypocondriacs on the face of the planet.

I say secret fridge everyone knows it exists, but enters it only on pain of Buddha's wrath as I have managed to convince everyone that me and him have a secret pact regarding the wellbeing of the content's. If anyone even thinks about touching our supply of Toblerones they will suffer a particularly nasty attack of boils. So far its seems to have done the trick!!

Well we are all ready for arrival of my guest, who is visiting Thailand for the first time. I'm not worried about him as he is a seasoned traveller having spent many years in Uganda flogging cast off MOT failure tyre's to the locals. It appears that after the downfall of Big Idi (Amin) tyre's where hard to come by so he packed off container loads of UK rejects which where quickly snapped up by the grateful locals who where fed up using inflated goats bladders!

Not too sure about the goats bladders, but the locals managed to get another 30,000 miles out of our cast offs before the canvas vanished into the ether!!

So I'm not to concerned about him, but then I had not considered Suvarnaphum airport. He arrives safely courtesy of Etihad Airlines breezes through immigration and baggage reclaim and is making his way down the travellator to the lower level, it is now that the fickle hand of fate decides to intervene. He has trouble with the new fangled baggage trolley and just catches the person in front a glancing blow. No problem, however the German tourist following with a well loaded cart just can't stop the thing and catches my mate full square on the back of the ankles. Result exits airport in wheelchair straight to hospital for X-rays and emeges with one leg in plaster and on crutches!!

Now bearing in mind the boss lady won't allow me a car, getting about on a motorsai with crutches is really a no no, so off he go's by taxi to Pattaya and the last I heard is that he is getting a lot of sympathy from some friendly young ladies.

Not sure what the moral is there other than watch those baggage carts at the airport.

God .... I love Thailand

[dave the dude]

Hi TBWG

Great stories. Tis funny cos I too visited the Dead Fish Bar last year and saw the (seperate) pits with Crocodiles and Ducks. Wonder if they ever mix 'em up a bit?  Sorry to hear your bad experience with a plastic chair. Just to make you sick, I knew a fireman back in the Uk who did same in a works canteen and got a GBP200,000 insurance payout for it, Honest! 

Live long and prosper (as Spock used to say)

Dave

[TBWG]

Hi TBWG

Great stories. Tis funny cos I too visited the Dead Fish Bar last year and saw the (seperate) pits with Crocodiles and Ducks. Wonder if they ever mix 'em up a bit?  Sorry to hear your bad experience with a plastic chair. Just to make you sick, I knew a fireman back in the Uk who did same in a works canteen and got a GBP200,000 insurance payout for it, Honest! 

Live long and prosper (as Spock used to say)

Dave

Hi DtD

 £200,000! Well that's depressed me   Mind you I come cheap 3 bottles of beer and I would be happy!

Well for all my adoring fans  You can read about some of my sporting exploits in the Sports forum Olympics post. As I feel they are equal to the goings on in China.

At the moment I am working myself up into a bit of a frenzy in anticipation of the Ladies beach volleyball and girls gymnastics  You can keep all the track an field broads who have bigger muscles than me and  better moustaches!

More nail biting stuff to follow.

TBWG

[TBWG]

Well fan's you had better make the most of this as I am running out of material and won't be getting into any new scrapes until I get back in October.. However, you can read about my superhuman sporting triumphs in the Sports forum Olympic's post.

Chapter 92 vol six. act IVXX 

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Merit making they said, to remember the boss ladies nephew Nine who was killed in tragic circumstances last Sonkgran. Well to me that equates to a staid church service in the UK with relatives that you only see at births, deaths and marriages!

So I expected a trip to the temple where I would be in agony sitting for a few hours cross legged, how wrong can you be.

What the F***s that ........6 o'clock in the morning and I think the world's coming to an end, some loonies blasting away with a shot gun, what's happening they holding up a security van that's strayed hundreds of miles off course? No it's just the family waking up the God's and letting Nine know he's not been forgotten and to prepare for some festivities.

From that moment on it is all activity with the entire family beavering away (with one exception me!) I can't be trusted to do anything other than open a beer bottle! So I sit back in amazement as hundreds of chairs a few tent's and many tables arrive, ( a miracle considering the trouble I have getting the ice delivered to the nearest week). Grannies, aunts, sisters etc. all appear out of the woodwork and operate like a well oiled machine, ironing coconut's, hoovering dogs, peeling rice and all other women's type work. Whilst the men manage to count beer bottle's and fuse lights and generally foul things up.

Now the interesting thing, a lorry arrives with a stage, floodlights and a zillion miles of electrical wire (why the hell has nobody thought it worth while to mention to me what they have obviously been planning for months)? Perhaps it's because of the dancing girls which now arrive en masse.

That's got my attention perhaps they could use a hand carrying their skimpy outfits or need help dressing?  confused3The boss lady now appears and sends me off on some dubious errand, go and buy some paper napkins! Is that all I'm fit for?

Anyway to cut a long story short Nine would have really enjoyed the party, couple of hundred revelers several tons of grub, copious amounts of whiskey and beer and of course paper napkins courtesy of moi!

Not to mention the stage show and dancing girl's, firework display etc all going on till the early hours. I think the party went well if my headache is anything to go by, and then they went and fired that bloody gun again at 6 o'clock next morning!

Buddha I love Thailand

[TBWG]

Hi Folks

More of Nine's extravaganza!!

TBWG

[TBWG]

Hi fans .. it's me again

Whilst on one of my few trips out ...went AWOL without the boss ladies permission!

I happened to notice stuffed effigies tied to the gates outside several houses. These are like what we would call scarecrows or Guys in the UK and seem to be stuffed with straw and dressed in an assortment of clothing.

When the boss lady was finally talking to me again she said it was a Cambodian custom to keep evil spirits away. Well its the first time in 8 years that I have seen this happen, and after discussing it with some buddies they also report sightings of this phenomenon...spooky huh!  :ph34r:

Any ideas?

I am thinking of joining in the custom and have located a suitable basque and suspender belt for the project,  just need a pair of fishnet tights now, any offers?  Maybe not such a good idea with so many dubious characters about who knows what they might do with it! 

My buddies also reckon it is something to do with a top honcho monk having a dream in which someone born on a tuesday or wednesday is going to die and the effigies are meant to keep away the evil spirts. Pretty vague huh!

Well, I told this to the boss lady and she said these spirits are notoriously crap at working out the days, so no matter what day you were born on it is better to be safe than sorry!

Don't say you have not been warned. 


Well this time the boss lady has given me time off for good behavior, so I have scarpered again quickly on my trusty bike and gone in search of a few locals to pester.

Anyway, whilst out on my travels I have seen many more scarecrows but the "piece de resistance" was one mounted on a decrepit old motorsai. Unfortunately I did not have my trusty box brownie with me to record this momentous event and now for the life of me can't remember where I saw it.

Buddha, I live an exciting life!

Anyone else seen these effigies or more importantly had a visit from the evil spirits and lived to tell the tale?


TBWG

[Admin]

nice story.. seems like you enjoy life here mak mak.. me personally I never understand the spirit beliefs..
sorry..

[TBWG]

Hi folks

Well thats about it, I have run out of material until I get back to Thailand in about 6 weeks time.

But before I sign off I thought I'd introduce you to Toby, he is rather partial to the odd cockroach but is obviously missing some female company judging by the racket he makes all night by the bedroom window where he announces his availability to all the local females!

So I though I would have a cheap laugh on him when I saw a realistic looking toy rubber Tokay in the market, blow the expense (20 baht) if it shuts him up at night.

I positioned it on the fence right under his penthouse suite (under roof tiles) and wait to see if he would fall for it.

Five minutes later the sister in law is screaming like a banshee and laying into the defenseless toy with a big broom.. so it must have been realistic looking, but if Toby saw that from his high rise vantage point he won't be taken in by the Tokay version of a blow up sex doll... ah well back to plan B! That's the ear plugs.

I just hope he has scored by now as I would like a decent nights sleep when I return tired2

TBWG

PS: Can I assume that all my legions of fans are either paraplegics or multi amputees as surely this can be the only excuse for not using the keyboard and posting some of your own experiences in Thailand? or at least congratulating me on what a fabulous but equally modest chap I am!

[Lourens]

Since not too many people are responding to your or my posts maybe we can respond to each other:

I love your stories and I think you are the second best story writer here  . A lot of the things you write about I can relate to. Such as the friend coming for a visit. I had a few visits from friends and they all agreed on one thing: Buriram is a great place to come and relax.

As for the send-off party (not funeral) for a family member, those were some of the best functions I had the priviledge to attend.

The effigies you mentioned, they are all over our village and at first I thought this would just be another fad that will pass in a couple of weeks. But this has now been going on for many months. My wife tied a white teddy bear to our front door which has since turned distinctly brown with dust. (Turning Thai is what I said.) Mother-in-law has one of the telle-tubbies hanging by the neck and sister-in-law a rag doll.

Tokays, Ching-Choks and frogs all over the house at night time with the odd snake or two and a few scorpions at dusk to keep the dog furiously defending our property. The dog is particularly adept at keep the elephants away. There isn't an elephant within yards of our house.

Please keep writing. I enjoy reading it anyway.

[TBWG]

Hi Lourens

Know what you mean, seems all the other members are very shy and computer illiterate, like pulling teeth getting them to post. Let's hope they now set out to prove us wrong.

I too can empathise with your posts it seems we all suffer from the same problems out here, but that is why I love it. Seems to me some of the Thai logic is in fact commendable, your Mother-in-Law must be very astute, stringing up a tele tubby by the neck sounds an admirable thing to do and should be encouraged!!!

F'raid I have really run out of things to post in my blog but will be back in Thailand within the month so might have some new material then.

Keep up the posts as the forum is gradually building and I think will be a useful source of info in due course.


TBWG    

[TBWG]

Hi Lurkers!

Well with the distinct lack of posts on this forum I s'pose I had better put my thinking cap on and drag something up no matter how insignificant.



So I think I will bore you rigid with our family outing to Laos. Now this occurred shortly after I had met the Boss Lady and I think the family where wondering how to keep the tame farang interested and occupied!

It was decided they would hire a people carrier (which I was volunteered to pay for) and about 10 of us would go to Mukdahan and cross over on the ferry to Savannaket. This was 8 years ago so pre bridge days.

Off we set a day break and about 20 kilometers up the road stopped for breakfast. This involved massive amounts of grub and took about an hour. Anyway we where on the move again in the direction of Mahasarakam.

About an hour later we stopped again for mid morning meal. This involved massive amounts of grub    and took about an hour. Again we set off and after about an hour we stopped ...what for you've guessed it more food.   Lunch this time! which involved even larger quantities of food and drink and took best part of 2 hours.

By now I was feeling extremely bloated and needed a nap, so only Buddha knows how many more grub stops I slept through. Well as we got nearer to Mukdahan we came upon a Temple which had just been completed and was now open to the punters!

So we had to have a look, well I must say it was impressive, very, very, very, big in fact so big it had a lift up to the sixth floor so that devotees can get nearer to nirvana without to much effort! All you had to do was walk up the final staircase to get to the absolute top. Once there all that remained was to come
down again minus the odd 1,000 baht!

Now as we had rushed through the temple to be parted with our baht, I had quickly admired the delicate intricate carvings on the pillars and thought they must have taken hundreds of hours of loving dedication to carve, but upon closer examination I noticed that they where in fact moulded plastic and pop riveted on!

Ah well can't get the artisans these days and Buddha won't mind!

I have now lost track of how many more nourishment stops we had before we got to Mukdahan but suffice is to say we had spent so much time gorging ourselves that it was now to late to get the ferry to Laos!

So it was a quick look around the market, purchased a few orchid plants which had been freed from their rightful natural home in the jungle! and set off back home via another half a dozen food stops.

I vaguely remember not needing to eat for several days after this gastronomic tour.


TBWG 

PS Now why not break the habit of a lifetime and post something?

[Admin]

Buriramians are very shy people ,thats for sure. well we learn something every day ! 

on a more serious note : Lots of members are just logging inside to read,sometime not log in their user name as well and appear as guests..
Buriramians !!! wake up !!!

P A R T Y !!