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Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 15253 times)

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Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #45 on: February 15, 2018, 10:54:35 PM »
Sir Les Patterson (Barry Humphries)


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Offline urleft

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #46 on: February 17, 2018, 10:01:13 AM »
President Trump was walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, "Mickey Mouse!"

This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent?s supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, "Donald, duck!"
« Last Edit: February 17, 2018, 10:03:20 AM by urleft »

Offline jivvy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #47 on: February 17, 2018, 01:39:53 PM »

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Trump called up the director of the Central Intelligence Agency and said, ?I want to see your very best agent in White House first thing in the morning.?

Several minutes later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most talented American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. Mr. Trump said, ?I hear you?re the best in the business. I can?t trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Do I make myself clear??

The CIA agent responded approvingly. He left the Oval Office and wasn?t heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Sunday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, ?Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office??

?Yes, sir.?

?Well, then, express the will of the people,? Trump ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out his revolver, and shot him.

Offline jivvy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #48 on: March 20, 2018, 06:47:25 PM »

..I asked my mates wife how her diet was going,
"not good" she replied,"had eggs for breakfast",
"fried?" I asked
"Cadburys" she replied

Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #49 on: March 26, 2018, 12:31:05 PM »
Australia's Sir Les Patterson

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Offline nanglong218

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #50 on: March 26, 2018, 07:51:56 PM »
It's quarter to seven,is this a dry run? Too funny.

Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #51 on: April 01, 2018, 07:38:23 AM »
Live & Rampant! Les Patterson has a Stand Up
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Offline nanglong218

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #52 on: April 01, 2018, 03:55:42 PM »
Aussie suicide counselling. 

A desperate looking young woman stood on the edge of a high cliff....preparing to jump.
A dirty, filthy old tramp wandered by, stopped and said "Look, as you'll be dead shortly and it won't matter to you, how about having sex with me before you go"
"Get away from me you filthy bastard" she screamed.
"Never mind" said the tramp "I'll just go and wait at the bottom"
She didn't jump.

Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #53 on: April 01, 2018, 06:33:16 PM »
Love it.
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Offline nanglong218

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #54 on: April 06, 2018, 03:09:13 PM »
An absolute beaut from today's TVF

Two Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them, it would be like winning the lottery.
They were right, we had six matching balls.

Offline Smithy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #55 on: April 13, 2018, 11:13:09 AM »
Happy Songkran  thumbup

Offline jivvy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #56 on: April 14, 2018, 11:53:14 AM »
 loco

Offline jivvy

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #57 on: May 10, 2018, 06:59:10 PM »
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
« Last Edit: May 10, 2018, 07:09:08 PM by jivvy »

Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #58 on: May 17, 2018, 05:35:09 PM »
Channel 9 Best Of The Paul Hogan Show (1997)
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Offline Tassie

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #59 on: May 26, 2018, 03:25:56 PM »
The Honeymooners - Mom the Blabbermouth
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