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Author Topic: Ring any bells?  (Read 297527 times)

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Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1395 on: March 09, 2017, 12:31:51 PM »
GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS


A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring
a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."


Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!
 
You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."


Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1396 on: March 16, 2017, 03:09:11 PM »
We had power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down.   Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.
 
I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.
 
She seems nice...
 

Offline Freddy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1397 on: March 16, 2017, 05:41:53 PM »
I'll have to try that.

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1398 on: March 17, 2017, 09:10:08 AM »
I'll have to try that.


Talking to TBWG's wife for a couple of hours? 




Offline Freddy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1399 on: March 17, 2017, 10:06:39 AM »
 :) Yep, and that!

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1400 on: March 17, 2017, 01:01:42 PM »
A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.


He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.



The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
 


 

He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
 


So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
 
"We missed the 
R
 ! We missed the 
R
 !

We missed the bloody 
R
 !"
 
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
 
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,
 
"The word was ....


CELEBRATE!"

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1401 on: March 17, 2017, 10:25:07 PM »
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we?re stoning her in the morning.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She?s 25 and her name is Heather.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting ?pedophile!? and other names at me, just because my wife is 21 and I?m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ?Son, that?s three schools this year! You?d better stop before you?re banned from teaching altogether.?

A man calls 911 and says ?I think my wife is dead.? The operator says, ?How do you know?? The man says, ?The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, ?You obviously haven?t been listening.?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to Vinnies to get all her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, ?We?d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.?

If you get an email entitled, ?Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton?, don?t open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.


Offline rufusredtail

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1402 on: March 19, 2017, 09:26:53 AM »
Three men were sentenced for a serious crime of murder ,and were sentenced to 20 years of imprisonment,the judge gave all three one last request before locking them up and throwing the keys away.

Upon asking the English man , he requested as many ladies as possible to be in his cell with him.

The second man from Italy, wanted as many crates of wine they could cram into his cell.

The third man from Ireland wanted 2500 cartons of cigarettes

After 20 years they opened the cell of the Englishman , he had shagged himself to death .


The Italian had died of alcoholic poisoning, empty bottle still in his mouth.


As they were opening the door to the Irishman,s  cell he said    " Have you got a light mate "

 

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