Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.
 
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
 
The old man didn't budge.
 
The usher became more impatient.
 
"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
 
Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.
 
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
 
Finally they summoned the police.
 
The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
 
"Ray," the old man moaned.
 
"Where you from, Ray?" asked the police officer.
 
With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Ray replied; "The balcony"......
 

[TBWG]

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!
 

[TBWG]

Like Adam  and Eve!
 
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car.  Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was  hurt.
 
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just  look at
our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This  must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together  in
peace for the rest of our days."
 
The man replied," I agree with you  completely. This must be a sign from
God!"
 
The woman continued, "And  look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my  bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.
 
Surely God meant for us to  drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our
good fortune." Then she handed  the bottle to the man.
 
The man nods his head in agreement, opened it,  drank half the bottle and
then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the  bottle, immediately put
the cap back on, and handed it back to the  man.
 
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
 
She replies, "Nah. I  think I'll just wait for the police."
 
Adam ate the apple,  too!
 
Men will never learn!
 

[TBWG]

THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

 
Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

 
Dear Penis:

 
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR DESIGNATED AREA AND ARE OFTEN SEEN VISITING OTHER LOCATIONS.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

 
Sincerely,
V. Gina

[urleft]

During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."

The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:

"No, the other end."

[TBWG]

This  is the actual message you get when you phone the  Australian
Social services/benefit office: 
 
Fantastic....

“Good morning, welcome to  Centrelink, the Australian Social Services and Benefits Office”
"Press '1' if you speak  English"
''Press '2' to  disconnect until you can.
Have a nice day"

[Sofa_King]

A Thailand misunderstanding
A Thai mother-in-law walks into her daughter's new house in the village (funded by the son-in-law of course) and finds her western son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happen?" she asked.
David: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to Noi saying that I was coming home from England today. I got here and guess what I found?.......
My wife, yes your daughter, in our bed with a local Thai guy!
This is the end of our marriage and I am leaving Thailand forever!"
"Relax, relax!" says mother-in-law, "Mistake, sure! Something not right about this story.
Noi never do something so stupid! Wait... I check to see what really happen."
Moments later she comes back with a big smile.
"See, I tell you there must be simple explanation.......
Noi not get your email !!"

[Sofa_King]

Nookies New Chinese Menu.

MEAT  DISHES
1.  Bol Oxs..................Hot Meat Balls
2.  Sur Kum Sihz.............Sausage Slices
3.  Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4.  Dik Sor..................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5.  Eja Kul Lait.............Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6.  Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7.  Long Dik.................Coq in van
8.  Yu Nux...................Meatball extract
9.  Veri Ti Rin..............Massive extrusion of forcemeat

VEGETABLES
10. Wan Kin..................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof..................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat..........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik...................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread

SAUCES
18. Pei Sol..................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum...................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol...........Invisible brown sauce without nuts

SPECIALITIES
24. Lik Mein.................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu...................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo....................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee...................Pick of the week

DESSERTS
31. Vee Dee..................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong..................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots.................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik..................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee...................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum............Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.......Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak.............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere..................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong..................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice

BEVERAGES
45. Yu Rine..................Jasmine Tea
46. Wob Li Tit...............Milk Shak

[Sofa_King]

Oh The Brexit Irony

95% Of British Expats Sent Home from Thailand For Failing the New Foreign Language Tests




The biggest movement of migrants since the Second World War began today, as countries across the world demanded UK expats had to speak the language of their chosen country, or they had to leave…and most failed.

Foreign officials have said the test wasn’t even that rigorous. You only had to know how to say “Two Beers” “Please” “No” “Yes” and “Do you have real brown sauce?” but almost one hundred per cent flunked it.

A Foreign Office Spokesman said: “We don’t know how to cope with the influx, even some Brits in Australia failed the test, as they didn’t add “mate” to the end of the brown sauce question.”

Steve Tate, 65, who was packing up his belongings in Buriram said: “I was just about to learn the Thai  for ‘two beers” but I just couldn't find the time, I’ve only been here eight years. I did integrate though, I went to the Paddys Irish Bar, with Stevie, Gaz and Larry everyday. I remember that day we ate Noodle Soup at one of the local Noodle Stands , it was rank though, never again. To be honest if it wasn't for Jimmy's Sport's Cafe and his decent Egg,Chips and beans I would have gone home years ago  .”

Dav Predegast, 55, who lives in Prakhonchai , was seething after being told she had to leave, telling  local Thai Immigration Officials, “I didn’t want to learn Thai anyway.”

 

[Sofa_King]

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

[TBWG]

 

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet


A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while
the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting
off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

 

 

[wombatballs]

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand.

Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth” he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?

"I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”


 
Just then the bell rings for recess.  Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"


 
A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny” he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?

" I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - Where's Kenneth?

[Sofa_King]

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff.  Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger.  "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

[iammike]

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

 CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

 The Guptas laid off 25 Parliamentarians.

 I met a Mormon with only one wife.

 If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

 MacDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

 Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Sandton fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of South Africans was caught sneaking into Zimbabwe.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I lay awake last night, depressed about the economy, Brexit, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc. I called the suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if ​I could ​drive a truck

[tommynew]

good one mike