Ring any bells?

[urleft]

.

Origin of the comment:


What happened was -- this is back in the late eighties, I think -- Senator Kennedy is vacationing off the coast of the south of France and he's got a young nubile, very limber and flexible young woman with him, scantily clad in a nice bikini. We know this because paparazzi were taking pictures from neighboring boats, and the New York Daily News published the pictures, and there were a series of four pictures. The first picture shows them cavorting out there on the boat. The second picture shows us the scantily clad, nubile, very flexible and limber young woman diving in the water off the edge of the boat. The next picture showed Senator Kennedy jumping in after her -- which was a first for Senator Kennedy to go in the water after a woman -- and then the last picture showed them back in the boat making... uh, "having intimacies," let's say. The pictures made the rounds, and they showed them to Howell Heflin, a Senator from Alabama. He was a huge guy, and he looked at the picture and said (rare Howell Heflin impression), "Well, I do declare! Ha! Why, it do look to me like Senator Kennedy done changed his position on offshore drilling."


Unfortunate I can't seem to find the original pictures.

[TBWG]

...what happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she  said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do".

. . .. 1/3 ownership in the store,

. . .. A company pickup truck,

. . .. A king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[urleft]

First Witch: “What are you doing?

Second Witch: “I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer.

So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer.”

First Witch: “Good luck!”

[TBWG]

.

[urleft]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first. When the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup," said Gomer, "we never seen 'em, but everybody says, 'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.'”

[TBWG]

.

[urleft]

A C-130 "Hercules" cargo plane, an Air Force workhorse since 1954, was flying over the Persian Gulf on a mission when a cocky pilot in an F-16 "Fighting Falcon" fighter flew up next to him.


The fighter jock got on the radio and told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "I didn't see anything. What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

[dimple joe]

 

[BillH52]

 

[TBWG]

Condom on the aircraft


 A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her.  Get that condom on she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking? 

I worry about you sometimes!

[TBWG]

 








 
Celebrating 50 years together.
 

 
Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.
 
"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.“Sorry I'm running late.  I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
 
"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad.  I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."
 
"It's nothing," said the father.  "We're glad you were able to come."
 
Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."
 
After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but  we just never found the time to get married."
 
The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"
 
“Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too."

[TBWG]

 
 

Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....
 
September 9, 1850?
 
California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money
and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
 
So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women
had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
 
And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

[TBWG]

.

[urleft]

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. It’s been hard to find lately.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella.  Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought about it for a few seconds . . and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

[TBWG]

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT

THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982

 
The Magic Bank Account

 
Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use.  However, this prize has rules:

 
The set of rules:

 
1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.

 
2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

 
3. You may only spend it.

 
4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

 
5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

 

What would you personally do?

 
You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

 
You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

 
ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ...

 
Shocked YES!

 
Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it

 
The PRIZE is *TIME*

 
1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds
as a gift of life.

 
2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.

 
3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.

 
4. Yesterday is forever gone.

 
5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...

 
SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

 
Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars.  Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

 
So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

 
Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”....

 
"DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD…!"

 
SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!