Author Topic: Ring any bells?  (Read 408737 times)

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Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1455 on: July 25, 2018, 09:43:46 PM »
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
(you're going to hate this)

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1456 on: August 20, 2018, 03:38:39 PM »
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts?
You are 78-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do.
I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1457 on: August 23, 2018, 01:38:06 AM »
The maid asked for a pay increase.


The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.


She asked: "Now Gloria, why do you want a pay increase?"


Gloria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."


"The first is that I iron better than you."


Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"


Gloria: "Jor huzban he say so."


Wife: "Oh yeah?"


Gloria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."


Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"


Gloria: "Jor hozban did"


Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"


Gloria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."


Wife: ... really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"


Gloria: "No Se?ora..... The gardener did."


Wife: "So... how much do you want?"

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1458 on: August 30, 2018, 10:40:38 PM »
A divorce lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called his


"Paul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good

news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me

that she had just invested ?5000 in two pictures that she thinks will

bring a minimum of ?15 million to ?20 million, and I think she could be


Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant

businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad

news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary?.

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1459 on: September 06, 2018, 02:40:21 AM »
For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

------------------------------ ---------------------
  Pasta had not been invented.
  Curry was a surname.
  A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
  A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
  Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
  All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.
  A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
  Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
  A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
  Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
  Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
  Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
  Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
  Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
  Only Heinz made beans.
  Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
  Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
  None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
  Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
  People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
  Indian restaurants were only found in  India .
  Cooking outside was called camping.
  Seaweed was not a recognised food.
  "Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
  Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being
white gold.
  Prunes were medicinal.
  Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle
  P ineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture
of a real one.
  Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing
  The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
was elbows!

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1460 on: September 20, 2018, 08:23:01 PM »
A woman's tale:
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to surprise our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here are the results:

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

My story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1461 on: October 09, 2018, 03:14:42 AM »
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot
« Last Edit: October 09, 2018, 03:25:55 AM by urleft »

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1462 on: October 20, 2018, 03:52:44 AM »
A man died and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover an elaborate funeral. After the funeral a family friend asked the man's widow how much of the money she used for the funeral. "All of it," she replied. "The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone."

After a quick calculation, the friend said, "You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it??"

"Two and a half carats," the widow replied.
« Last Edit: October 20, 2018, 03:54:39 AM by urleft »

Offline urleft

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1463 on: November 08, 2018, 08:34:58 PM »
Southern USA Humor

A guy from ALABAMA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a MISSISSIPPI hotel?

When you call the front desk and say,
"I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if a GEORGIA redneck is married?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high school.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw in GEORGIA ?


Where was the toothbrush invented?


If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An ALABAMA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver,

"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies"Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million GEORGIA State Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in ALABAMA burned down!

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poofed up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in MISSISSIPPI.

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in GEORGIA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says,"You ain't from 'round here are ya boy?

"No" replies the man, I?m from California.?

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in California?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says,"I mount animals.

"The bartender hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1464 on: November 09, 2018, 11:51:50 AM »
Like Golf........??

While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.  His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.  Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.  Today you voted."   

(Vote wisely :-)




Offline dimple joe

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1465 on: November 10, 2018, 12:29:26 PM »


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