Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

 Older men are more helpful
 
Two guys, one old bloke and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings
when they collide.

The older bloke says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
 The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my  wife,too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old bloke says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big b**bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'
 'Doesn't matter', the old bloke says, 'let's look for yours.'

Most of us older blokes are helpful like that.

[TBWG]

HE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.


Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre; Claude was never invited back to entertain.

[TBWG]

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years.  Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.



Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
 

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside.  He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.  A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven.  This will be your home now.'



Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.  'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied.  'You can play for free, every day.'
 
 

           


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony.  This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied.  'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. 
This is Heaven!'


'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again.  All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
 

                                     

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f**king Bran Flakes.  We could have been here ten years ago!'

[TBWG]

> GOLFER'S HONEYMOON
>
> 
> A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
>
> Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.   As soon as he could manage,  he took himself to the doctor.
>
> He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon  next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
>
> The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.  It should be okay next week.'
>
> He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
>
> The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
>
> That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts.  She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
>
> He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...'Look at this,
> it's still in the CRATE!'

[TBWG]

  A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
>
>         Doctor: "What happened?"
>
>         Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
>         comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
>
>         Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your
>         husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
>         and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but
>         don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
>
>         Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
>         fresh and reborn.
>
>         Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
>         husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
>         and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
>
>         Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[TBWG]

Just  imagine...
>
>
> If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines  one year ago, you
> will have $49.00 today!
>
> If you had purchased $1,000  of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
> $33.00 today.
>
> If you had  purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
> will have  $0.00 today.
>
> But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year  ago, drank all the
> beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling  refund, you will have
> received a $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best  current investment plan is to drink heavily &
> recycle.  It is called  the 401-Keg. 
>
> A recent study found that the average American  walks about 900 miles a
> year. Another study found that Americans drink, on  average, 22 gallons of
> alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans  get about 41 miles
> to the gallon!
>

[TBWG]

Really think about your answer, I found it very hard. 
 

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.


THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realise who it is... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b*stard who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!

NOW THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer..........


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

 

[TBWG]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely..

[TBWG]

        A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to
        the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
        response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
        ejaculate, try startling yourself."

        That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
        All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife At home, he
        found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found
        themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the
        sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

        The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
        go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit
        in my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet
        with his hands in the air."

[TBWG]

   

 
The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said:  "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

[TBWG]

PROOF THAT MEN CAN REMEMBER!


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of  Cocoa in 
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the 
wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot  Cocoa .

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his  Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of 
the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started 
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is 
so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in 
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to 
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out 
today.'

 

[TBWG]

Did you hear about the fat, transvestite –?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

 

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.

 

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

 Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

 

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year.

 Mick said Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.

 

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5  hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

 

[TBWG]

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit’s pond. Looks like frog’s porn to me.

 

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

 

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.

What sort of sick person  does that to someone’s advent calendar…

 

I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

 

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.

 

Sometimes you just can’t win. I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!

 

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat,  that's a lot  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month

Time to change supplier I think.

 

My missus says I’m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talk…

Like that’s gonna happen in the middle of conker season.

 

I just met a man with strange hobby, he collects empty bottles.

Sounds much nicer than .

 

[urleft]

US Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) today stated that he had a plan to cut down on fraud, claims for benefits forms will now only be printed in English.

[urleft]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 WHEN:


1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it..
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there was not a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.