The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[TBWG]

Donation

 Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
 
'It is!'
 
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
 
'I can!'
 
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
 
'I do!'
 
'Is he a member of your congregation?'>
'He is!'
 
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
 
  'He will.'

[TBWG]

  Looks of Disappointment

 A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
 was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
 beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
 
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
 side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of
 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
 
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
 
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

[TBWG]

Confession

 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
 ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
 children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
 up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had
 sex with each of them three times.'
 
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
 
Man: 'What sins?'
 
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
 
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
 
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
 
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Brothel Trip

 An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
 a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
 and asks how old he is.
 
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
 
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
 
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senility

 An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
 senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
 forget to zip down.'
 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pest Control

 A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
 pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
 bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
 
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she
 pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
 
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
 bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
 
'Who are you?' he asked him..>
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
 
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
 replied.
 
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
 
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.
 
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Humor
 
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
 Husband: Nothing.
 
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
 certificate for an hour.'
 Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
 
-------------------------------
 
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'>
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
 
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
 
----------------------------------------------------
 Stress Reliever
 
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

 Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
 worries or troubles.'
 
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
 
------------------------------
 Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
 told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
 
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
 
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
 
________________________________
 
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
 
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO
 MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------------------------------
 
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty
 face or my sexy body?'
 
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense
 of humour!'
 ________________________________
 
Husbands are husbands
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round
 the head with a frying pan.
 'What was that for?' the man asked.
 The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name
 Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
 The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
 name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with
 the housework..
 Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
 the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
 Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
 Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
 

[urleft]

For those that cannot read my Avatar:


And saw this, a classic




 



[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir

Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

Very angry Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I dam have one at home already!!!

[TBWG]

Morning Sex Cry


She was standing in the kitchen,  preparing our usual soft-boiled  eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the  'T' shirt that she normally
slept in. As  I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and  said
softly," You've got to  make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes  lit up and I thought, "I'm either still  dreaming or  this is
going to be my lucky day!" Not  wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and  then gave  it my all; right there on the kitchen  table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to  the stove, her  T-shirt
still around her neck.

Happy, but a  little puzzled, I asked " What was that all about?"

She  explained, "The egg timer's  broken."

[TBWG]

    Something to offend everyone
     

 
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and he injected that special resin into her crack.....................she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus", the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies, "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" .. The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"

Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

[Admin]

*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*


A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.


She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.


She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.




No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.

That's what beer does...

Never mind.

[TBWG]

London Taxi driver



A stark naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London Cab Rank.



The Indian driver was immediately upset and just kept staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the Cab.



"What's wrong with you, luv, haven't you seen a naked white woman before?"



"I'll not be staring at you lady I am telling you, that would not be proper,
where I am coming from".



"Well if your not bloody staring at me luvie, what are you doing then?"



"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping
the money to be paying me with."



___________________________



Yesterday morning I saw a radical Muslim ranting on about Western aggression
in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan, lose his footing and
fall into the Yarra River. Being a responsible citizen I notified the
emergency services.



By noon today they still hadn't arrived.  I'm beginning to think I've wasted
a frigging stamp!

___________________________



QUOTE FOR THE DAY



God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy.

--------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart! "

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

--------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.
"You dumb-arse," she says, "The dog's got no money to buy a paper!"

___________________________



A Pakistani was shot with a starting pistol at the Commonwealth Games.

 
Police say the attack was definitely race related.

___________________________







Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and
asks; "Have you got a pen?"



She looks up and smiles and says; "...Yes!"



"Well..." he says; "...you'd better f**k off back to it then before the
farmer finds you missing."

___________________________






A  little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down
in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to
see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.

"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When
I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any
insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed
with the milk man and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy
a drink, drop the cyanide in it and while I sit here watching the poison
dissolve; a smart arse like you shows up and drinks the whole fu....g
thing!"

 

[TBWG]

A Woman's Poem
 
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....

 

Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
  I love a good poem, don't you?!?!

[TBWG]

Three corpses turn up at the mortuary, all with very
> big
> > smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to
> tell
> > them what has happened.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of
> heart
> > failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
> Hence
> > the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won
> $50,000 on
> > the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
> > poisoning, hence the smile.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual
> one.
> > Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'He thought he was having his photo taken'.

[TBWG]

> > IRISH DIET
> >
> > 
> > An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
> him
> > on a diet.
> >
> > 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
> > day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a
> day
> > ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
> > The next time I see you, you should have lost at least
> 5
> > pounds.'
> >
> > When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
> having
> > lost nearly 60lbs!
> > 
> > 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
> follow my
> > instructions?'
> >
> > The Irishman nodded ...
> > 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going
> to
> > drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
> >
> > 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
> >
> > 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

[Admin]

The Origin Of Yodelling

Many, many years ago, a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

The farmer's daughter spotted the man, and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

The farmer replied, "That's a fellow traveling through, and he needs a place to stay for the night ... so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter thought, "He looks like a nice man, and he's probably hungry."

So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled, her top buttoned incorrectly, and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer, that perhaps the man might need a drink as well. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn.

She too, did not return for an hour. When she did, her clothing was askew, and her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up, and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke shortly after, and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears.

"How could he leave, without even saying goodbye??" she cried. "We made such passionate love last night, and he told me he loved me!!"

"What?!", shouted the father. He ran out of the house angrily looking for the man... who by now, was halfway up the nearby mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "You mongrel! You screwed my daughter and left her, without as much as a goodbye!'

The traveller looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled out.......

"ILAIDYOUROLADEETOO!!"

[TBWG]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.

Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned  That his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said:

'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her @ss that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station.  We'll never forget you!!!!''

[Admin]

good one !!