Author Topic: The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW (Read 78164 times)

Lourens · « **Reply #15 on:** October 18, 2008, 07:46:44 PM »

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two, if they're small enough.

Lourens · « **Reply #16 on:** October 30, 2008, 12:04:00 PM »

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.

dave the dude · « **Reply #17 on:** November 05, 2008, 07:56:37 PM »

Madonna has always said she loves the English culture and wants to be more British......

Well now she's a single mother with three kids and one of them is a .........

Transformation complete, Id say.

Dave (Joke doing the rounds on UK mobiles, Not mine BTW)

TBWG · « **Reply #18 on:** December 03, 2008, 08:25:21 PM »

Another not my joke... pinched from the other forum.

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.

THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND

THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE
IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS
PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
W AS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEE P, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,
LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CA ME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPAN TS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO
HIS SHORTS

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USU AL TRUMPETING
WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER
YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRE TT Y GOOD..

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER
LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.

HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "A LL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME A
ND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALW AYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT
MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

TBWG

TBWG · « **Reply #19 on:** December 30, 2008, 09:42:27 PM »

Pinched from another forum .. but I thought it worth repeating and topical ....

I want to see the Faces of my Family and Friends When they unwrap their Christmas Presents and see the Woolworths Vouchers!

TBWG

Admin · « **Reply #20 on:** January 04, 2009, 08:25:54 PM »

nice..

[attachment deleted by admin]

Lourens · « **Reply #21 on:** January 05, 2009, 05:44:11 PM »

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.

Can you believe it?

It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

Lourens · « **Reply #22 on:** January 07, 2009, 05:08:08 PM »

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

Lourens · « **Reply #23 on:** February 22, 2009, 12:17:47 AM »

Not stricktly Thai but:

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"

Admin · « **Reply #24 on:** February 25, 2009, 06:57:33 PM »

Took me time to understand the joke.. hehe

Anyway,great link to website with thai local jokes.
VERY funny.

http://www.thaipulse.com/thailand-index-card-jokes/

urleft · « **Reply #25 on:** March 09, 2009, 10:15:34 PM »

Why don't women have brains?

Because they don't have a penis to put it in.

Admin · « **Reply #26 on:** March 22, 2009, 04:13:08 PM »

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic
sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from
here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.

This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.

Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her... he's naked as well! The bitch!

"He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.

"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I
think I can save you a grand here..."

urleft · « **Reply #27 on:** March 23, 2009, 05:59:04 PM »

What is the difference between a Woman's Track Team and a Tribe on Pygmies?

One is a cunning bunch of runts.

Lourens · « **Reply #28 on:** April 20, 2009, 10:09:40 PM »

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"

Admin · « **Reply #29 on:** July 28, 2009, 02:53:25 PM »

smart salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"

Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"

"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"

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