Buriram Expats
Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: smoooth2 on January 26, 2013, 07:33:01 PM
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Little boy gets home from school and says " Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years"
His Dad replies " Never mind son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part !!"
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Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue. Paddy says " Look at these gorgeous women ! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees " I'm ordering one right now."
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick " Has your woman turned up yet?"
" No" said Mick " but shouldn't be too long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday !!"
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Teacher asks class to put the word " contagious" in a sentence.
Little Ronnie says " The measels are contagious."
Little Katie says " There is a bug going around and it's contagious."
Little Johnny pipes up and says "My neighbour is painting his house with a 2" brush, and Dad says it will take the contagious."
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Man walks into a book store and says " Do you have the new Self Help Book For Men With Small Dicks ?"
Girl says " I don't think it's in yet."
He replies " Yeah ... that's the one !!"
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After battling for years to overcome my addiction to alcohol gel, I'm finally clean.
Help to teach your children how the government works by simply taking all their sweets off them and telling them to f*@k off.
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A baby seal walk into a bar, and the bartender asks, "What will it be, stranger?"
"Anything but Canadian Club" replies the seal.
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Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge."
Doctor says "Take off your knickers and hop onto the bed."
He puts on his latex gloves and slides 3 fingers into her vagina.
"How does that feel ?" he asks.
"ooohh lovely" she replies "but the discharge is in my ear !"
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Q. Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
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The police came to my front door last night , holding a picture of my wife.
They said "Is this your wife Sir ?"
Shocked, I said "Yes"
They said "I'm afraid it looks like she has been in a car accident."
I said "Yeah ... I know ... but she has a lovely personality."
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Paddy caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself.
He puts the gun to his head, looks at his wife and says "Don't laugh, you're friggin next !!
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Two gay guys holidayed in London after reading Gay Travel Mags.
They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
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Blonde took her car to the local workshop for a service.
Mechanic asked why there was a coathanger on the back seat.
She replied "It's just in case I lock my keys in the car !"
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The police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.
They told me not to be so stupid, and to sit properly.
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Every girlfriend I've ever had has accused me of having a shit personality.
Which has given me a massive confidence boost because they must be with me for my looks.
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What's the difference between a G Spot and a wayward tee shot ?
Men will look for the golf ball.
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What is a woman's definition of a perfect lover ?
A guy with a 9" tongue and can breathe through his ears.
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Why do most men die before their wife ?
They want to.
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Why do men x more often than women ?
Women don't shutup long enough to accumulate the required pressure.
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Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says,
“I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
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Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.
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What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking ?
Slow down and use a lubricant
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My girlfriend says I only want sex when I'm drunk.
That's bullshit, I want a hamburger as well. tonguebar2
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Had a strange man call me last night, he wanted to meet me in the woods naked.
Fu@king weirdo
I waited for 2 hours and he didn't come
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Woman says to her husband "Darling ... I'd like to get my breasts enlarged"
Husband says "Rub some toilet paper on them ... it's worked on your bum !!"
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Woman is pestering her husband about his lurid past.
"Come on darling ... how many women have you slept with ?"
He says "Baby ... if I tell you ... you'll just get upset and really pissed off"
She promises him that she won't ... and that she really cares and loves him.
He ponders a little and finally says "ok .... now 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, and then there was you my love, then 9,10,11 ...."
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My daughter wanted to learn to ride a horse. So I called my father and asked him if he still had that broken down nag. He said if he ever got a divorce I would be the first to know.
Now I’m waiting for the subway so I can visit him at the hospital.
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The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
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Q: how do men sort out their laundry?
A: filthy and filthy but wearable.
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Q: what's the difference between apple pie and pussy?
A: you can eat your mums apple pie.
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Q: how do you find a blind man in a nudists colony?
A: it's not hard
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BATHTUB ANXIETIES
There was a little boy and a little girl in a bathtub having a bath. Suddenly the little girl looked down at the boy.
"Can I touch it?"
"No way -- you already broke yours off!"
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LITTLE JOHNNY'S STORK
Little Johnny asks, "Mommy, where do babies come from?"
His mother replies, "The stork brings them."
Little Johnny, puzzled, asks, "Then who fu@ks the stork?" buttslap
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The Infamous Glasgow Rangers
1. If the Glasgow Rangers ever win the Coronation Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
2. If they ever beat their deadliest rivals 7-1 in a major domestic cup final - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
3. If they ever reach the European Cup Semi-Final 4 times - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
4. If they ever win every competition they enter in one season - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
5. If they ever reach the European Cup Final - - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
6. If they ever reach the European Cup Final with eleven home bred Scots - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
7. If they ever reach the European Cup Final twice - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
8. If they ever WIN the European Cup - they will be the 2nd Scottish club ever to do so.
9. Having won 9-in-a-row - it must be a great feeling to know that for the NINTH TIME IN A ROW - you are
And always will be
2nd
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Rather a strange "JOKE"!
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Rather a strange "JOKE"!
Glasgow Rangers are a JOKE. crazydance
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LITTLE JOHNNY... THE WAY YOU THINK
Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?"
Little Johnny: "None."
Teacher: "Can you explain that answer?"
Little Johnny: "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."
Teacher: "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."
Little Johnny: "Teacher, can I ask a question?"
Teacher: "Sure."
Little Johnny: "There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone. Which one is married?"
Teacher: "The one sucking the cone."
Little Johnny: "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think."
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LITTLE JOHNNY... FINDING JESUS
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."
Mary answers, "He's in my heart."
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"
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Two beautiful blonde foreign women lost and confused in Bangkok.
They ask a policeman how to get to the Royal Palace.
In his best English, he said "Catch the number 54 bus ... it will take you direct to the Royal Palace."
3 hours later the cop notices the 2 blondes still standing on the same corner.
"Why are you still here ... I told you to catch the number 54 bus."
They smiled and said "No problem officer ... won't be long now ... the 46th bus just went by."
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Start of a new University semester, and the Lecturer is doing a roll call.
"Samantha Brown ..."
"Present"
"Richard Johnson ..."
"Present"
"Bob Fuckhauer ..."
"Present"
"You gotta be kidding Fuckhauer ... is that your real name ?"
"Yes sir ... you can ask my brother. He's doing Economics in the next room across the corridor."
Sensing a practical joke, the Lecturer stormed into the Economics class and demanded
"Have you got a Fuckhauer here ?"
"FUCKHAUER !!" said one of the students "Hell no .... we don't even get a toilet break in this class !! ...."
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There's a new Barbie doll on the shelves.
It's called Divorced Barbie
It comes with all Ken's stuff
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Blind man went bungee jumping.
He loved it.
But it scared the shit out of his dog !!
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In New Zealand ... what's a Hindu ?
Lays eggs
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Why are women like condoms ?
They spend 90% of their time in your wallet ... and 10% on your dick
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Men REALLY do have better friends than women.
Woman didn't come home one night. She told her boyfriend she slept over at a friends house.
He phoned her 10 best friends. None knew anything about it.
Man didn't come home one night. Next morning over breakfast he told his girlfriend that he slept at a mates house.
Girlfriend calls his 10 best friends.
8 confirmed that he slept over ... and 2 said he was still there.
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Husband .... "How about a quickie ?"
Wife .... "Compared to what ?"
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Jack and Jill are having sex for the first time.
Half way through the main event Jill says "Slow down tiger ... I've got acute angina."
Jack says "Yeah I know ... and your tits are awesome too !!"
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Guy goes into a whorehouse. "What have you got available ?"
"Sorry ... we're fully booked" says the Madam
"Are you joking ... I'm desperate for a root."
"Well ... we have one girl ... but you have to wear a black condom."
"Yeah yeah ... whatever" Black condom in hand he rushes upstairs.
30 minutes later he's done. Walks past the Madam and says "She was great ... bit on the quiet side ... but very compliant and a terrific body. What was the deal about the black condom though ?"
"Respect for the dead."
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An investment advisor was talking to his 90yo wealthy client.
"Sir ... I've found the most amazing investment for you. You will double your money in just 2 years !!"
"2 YEARS !!" spluttered the old guy. "Sonny Jim ... at my age I don't even buy green bananas !!"
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A guy rang the local newspaper. "What's the cost of placing an ad in the Obituary section ?"
"80c per word" came the reply.
"ok ... here goes ... Jones Dead."
"That's it ? ..... sorry sir .... but there is a 5 word minimum."
"ohhh .... ok .... make it .... Jones Dead. Volkswagon for sale."
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Two Irish hunters hire a plane to go moose hunting in the Canadian wilderness.
They bag six.
Paddy and Mick start loading the plane for the return trip.
The pilot says "The plane can only take 4 of those."
The two lads object strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put all of them onboard. He had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gives in, and all six are loaded. However, even with full power, the little plane can't handle the load and down it goes and crashes in the middle of nowhere.
A few moments later, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy says to Mick "Any idea where we are ?"
"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year." says Mick
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Wife walks into the kitchen and sees hubby stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing ?" she asked
"Hunting flies." he responded
"ohhh .... killing any ?" she asked
"yep ... 3 males and 2 females." he replied
Intrigued, she asked "How can you tell ?"
He responded "3 were on a beer can ... and 2 were on the phone."
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They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in Birmingham , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley , Leicester & Luton because the giant couldn't smell any Englishmen.
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Last night at the pizza shop I asked for "a supreme, thin and crusty" I got a picture of Dianna Ross .... bananadance
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The mother-in-law, comes home and finds her son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase. "What happened?"
"What happened? - I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife saying that I was coming home from my trip today. I got home and guess what I found?... My wife, yes my Yvonne, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is the end of our marriage, I will leave forever!"
"Calm down!" says mother-in-law. "There is something odd about this story. Yvonne would never do such a thing! Wait a minute while I check what happened."
Moments later, mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "You see, I said there must be a simple explanation..."
"Yvonne didn't receive your Email"
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UNDER THE BED
Three guys all think that their wives are cheating on them.
The first guy thinks his wife is screwing a plumber because he found a tool belt under his bed.
The second guy thinks his wife is screwing a judge because he found a robe and gavel under his bed.
The third guy says, "That's nothing! I came home and found a cowboy under my bed. I can't believe my wife is screwing a horse."
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An American paratrooper jumped out of his plane. But his parachute didn't open.
Falling to the ground, he saw a black dot moving towards him.
He didn't know what it was, until he recognised a man.
"Hello" he shouted "I'm Jim, US Army. Do you know anything about parachutes ?"
"Nice to meet you." the man replied. "I'm Paddy, Paddy's DIY Repairs, but sorry, I don't know anything about parachutes. Do you know anything about gas ovens ...?"
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Following the discovery of King Richard's remains , the Leicester branch of Millets have announced a sale on all camping gear until the spring.
A spokesperson said, "Now is the winter of our discount tents"
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Since I retired, I have been searching for that "just right" volunteer job. I just want to give back to the community a little something. I have looked around a long time & think I might have found it. It had to be one where I didn't feel like it was a chore. Some-thing enjoyable. Something a little different from the ordinary day-in, day-out routine. At last I am truly comfortable being a ‘volunteer. I no longer feel like my talents are being wasted on meaningless, irrelevant trivialities. I feel good again.
I have found the perfect retirement job ...
It’s only $12.00 an hour!
I would have paid more if they had asked.
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Albert ..... I'll give you $12 an hour to be your Assistant bananadance
There may be days when you need to take a "sickie" .......................... UNLIKELY !!
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Sorry Smoooth2 you will have to join the queue.
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But what contest is that, and where do I get tickets?
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nono
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing,
send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying,
send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, being a normal man, replied,
"I am on the toilet, what should I do?”
thumbup
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true..
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Did you press the wrong download button Co-Co ? haha
What happened to the 2 old geezers sitting at the bar ? Is there a story about them ?
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Did you press the wrong download button Co-Co ? haha
What happened to the 2 old geezers sitting at the bar ? Is there a story about them ?
I was hoping nobody would notice that...... b4stard ! :) Here goes again:-
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar and said to my buddy,
"That'll be us in ten years.
He said, "That's a mirror, you dickhead. "
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DIRTY MEAL
A guy orders spaghetti in a restaurant. In the middle of eating he finds a hair in his food.
He says to the waiter, "I'm not paying for this dirty meal," and walks out.
The waiter watches the guy go into a whorehouse. The waiter waits about 10 minutes, bursts through the door and finds the guy with his face buried in p**sy.
The waiter says, "You eat p**sy and complain about one hair in your spaghetti."
The man replies, "Yeah, and if I find any spaghetti in this p**sy, I'm not paying for it either."
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WALKS INTO A BAR... DRUNK DRY CLEANING
A drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt. "Wha' my gonna do now? My wifez gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thass a great idea!"
When the drunk gets home his wife answers the door. "Where have you been? What happened to your shirt?"
He tries to put on a sober voice and says, "Relaaax honey, some drunk guy puked on me and gave me five bucks to have my shirt cleaned."
The drunk's wife reaches in his pocket, grabs the money, and says, "There's $10 in here!"
"Oh yeah, he sh*t my pants, too."
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WALKS INTO A BAR... HORSING AROUND
A farmer walks into a bar with a horse. He says, "I will give any of you $1,000 if you can make my horse laugh."
A man yells, "I'll take that bet," and leads the horse into the men's room.
After a couple seconds, a loud braying laugh is heard from behind the door. The farmer screams to the man, "OK, I'll give you $2,000 if you can make my horse cry."
The man shouts, "You're on!"
After a few more seconds, the man exits with the horse trudging behind him with tears streaming down his long-snout. Flabbergasted, the farmer asks, "How did you do it?"
The man replies, "I said that my d**k was bigger than his and he laughed. Then I showed it to him."
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WALKS INTO A BAR... MERMAID SEX
An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the guy's head is the size of a cue ball.
"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"
The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the mermaid."
"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"
"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could just have a little head... ."
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I accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles today, my next crap could spell disaster.
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LITTLE JOHNNY... SALESMAN
A salesman rings the door bell and Little Johnny answers.
Salesman: "Can I see your dad?"
Johnny: "No, he's in the shower."
Salesman: "What about your mother? Can I see her?"
Johnny: "Nope. She's in the shower, too."
Salesman: "Do you think they'll be out soon?"
Johnny: "Doubt it. When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him super glue instead."
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AFTER 69
Q: What comes after 69?
A: Mouthwash.
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MEGASTORE, MEGASALE
The manager of a megastore came to check on his new salesman.
"How many customers did you serve today?" the manager asked.
"One," replied the new guy.
"Only one?" said the boss. "How much was the sale?"
The salesman answered, "$58,334."
Flabbergasted, the manager asked him to explain.
"First I sold a man a fishhook," the salesman said. "Then I sold him a rod and a reel. Then I asked where he was planning to fish, and he said down by the coast. So I suggested he'd need a boat - he bought that 20-foot runabout. When he said his Volkswagen might not be able to pull it, I took him to the automotive department and sold him a big SUV."
The amazed boss asked, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fishhook?"
"No," the new salesman replied. "He actually came in for a bottle of aspirin for his wife's migraine. I told him, "Your weekend's shot. You should probably go fishing."
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Q: How can you tell when an Irishman's drunk? (select the whitespace below with your mouse to see the answer)
A: I wouldn't know. I've never seen any other kind to identify the difference.
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Wherever you find four Irishmen, you’ll find a fifth.
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I think it is just terrible and disgusting how people have been treating Lance Armstrong. Especially after what he has achieved. Winning seven Tour de France titles while taking drugs is a monumental feat.
When I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.
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This is your Captain speaking;
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:
'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
One Aussie passenger yelled...
'For x's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'
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One for Albert:-
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A man goes into a retail store and approaches the perfume counter.
"I'll have that bottle of Chanel No5" he says. "It's for my wife's 60th birthday."
The pretty young salesgirl says "That's so nice ... it will be a big surprise."
He says "You bet it will be ....... she's expecting a cruise to Tahiti."
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What's the difference between a washing machine and a woman ?
You can bung your load into a washing machine and it won't call you next week.
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A Husband’s Ecstacy
He was in ecstasy, a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth ...back and forth ...in and out ...in and out .....
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back,she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed, then she moaned, softly at first, then louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted. “OK, OK! ... I CAN’T park the damn car!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNF6Ny0ScYs
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A guy was driving down the M6 with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up, "I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales". "Why do you think that?" he said. "Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says "stit ruoy su wohs".
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In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.
Below is a perfect example of those teachings:
Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her:
'Father, may I ask a favour?
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.
The Customs officer asked:
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the officer said:
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
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WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS
A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.
"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.
"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."
The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.
The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "
The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
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WALKS INTO A BAR... PORK PIE
A man walks into a bar with a pork pie on his head. The barman asks, "Why are you wearing a pork pie on your head?"
The man replies, "It's a family tradition. We always wear pork pies on our heads on Tuesday."
The barman remarks, "But it's Wednesday."
Sheepishly, the man says, "Man, I must look like a real fool."
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One day God came to Adam to pass on some news.
"I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.
The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.
She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.
At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took
her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.
At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.
'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.
The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'
'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'
The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:
'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking bricks on time.'
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I didn't want to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker; but when I got home, all the signs were there.....
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One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their
shovels. The crew's foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.
The supervisor radios back and says, "Don't worry, we'll send some shovels... just lean on each other until they arrive."
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A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.
The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."
Then the German doctor bragged, "That''s nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."
The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."
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A Welshman, an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside.
Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said... ''Meow'.'
"Just cats," he thought.
He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said... ''Woof'.'
"Just dogs," he thought.
As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said... ''Potatoes!''
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Big C. The husband picks up a ...case of Beer Leo and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only 350 baht for 24 cans', he replies. 'Put them back, it's a waste of money', demands the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a 700 baht jar of ...face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer Leo and it's half the price!
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One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.
This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.
He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him." buttslap
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Definition of a conductor:-
"A person that stands in front of the orchestra trying to wave his arms in time with the music".
Q. How do you know its a drummer at the front door.
A. When he knocks he gets louder and faster......
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After a night of heavy drinking, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up next to a really really ugly woman.
Only then did he realise that he'd made it home safely.
My mate has just hired an Eastern European domestic housemaid. Took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Apparently she's a Slovak
Since the big snow started, all my wife does is stare through the window.
If it gets any heavier, I suppose I'll have to let her in.
Middle aged woman standing naked in front of the mirror.
She asks her husband "What turns you on the most ... my pretty face, or my sexy body ?"
He replies thoughtfully "Your sense of humour."
Paddy says to Mick "I see Christmas is on a Friday this year."
Mick replies "Let's hope it's not the 13th then ..."
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HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested.'
So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are..
We're not interested.'
Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'
Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'
Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments ....'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'We'll take 10.'
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True story reported by an English guy who was stopped and asked to give a breathalyzer test.
The English guy lives near Le Bugue in the Dordogne and at the time he was stopped he was as pis*ed as a x...
The gendarme signals to him to wind down the window then asks him if he has been drinking, and with a slurring speech the English guy replies; 'Yes, this morning I was at my (hic)..daughter's wedding, and as I don't like church much I went to the cafe opposite and had several beers.'
'Then during the wedding banquet I seem to remember downing three great bottles of wine; (hic)... a corbieres, a Minervois and (hic)...a Faugeres.'
'Then to finish off during the celebrations.... and (hic) during the evening ...me and my mate downed two bottles of Johnny Walker's black label.'
Getting impatient the gendarme warns him; 'Do you understand I'm a policeman and have stopped you for an alcohol test'?
The Englishman with a grin on his face replies; 'Do you understand that I'm English, like my car, and that my wife is sitting in the other seat, at the wheel?'
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when i heard 160 indians died in a crash i was surprised it was an
airplane and not a nissan almera.
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old chinese proverb say,man who walk through doorway sideway's with a hardon is going to bangkok.
-statistically,nein out of ten german women are attractive.
-getting a hardon is the only way i can get my wife to leave me alone.
-light tavels faster than sound,that is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
-i wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponge's?
-my wife and i are a fastidious couple,i'm fast and she's hideous.
-i had the right to remain silent, but i didn't have the ability.
-the most expensive meal you will ever eat is pussy.
-the only reason i take my wife out with me is so i don't have to kiss the cunt goodby!
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An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. “In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.”
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
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It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally.
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honour" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill".
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white". The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, "There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer," or "That's Michael, he's a doctor". A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead".
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Guy sitting at the bar for 4 hours ... steadily getting more and more pissed.
Barman says "Rough day mate ? ... you ok ?"
Drunk looks up and says "Nah ... I'm in a bad way right now. The missus and I had a huge blue. She said she wasn't gonna talk to me for 6 months."
"Shit ... that's a bit rough." says the barman
Drunk says "Tell me about it ... today's the last day !!"