Print Page - Ring any bells?

Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: TBWG on August 25, 2010, 02:15:51 AM

Title: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 25, 2010, 02:15:51 AM

Recognise anyone?

FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, she knocked on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_____________________________________

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into.. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."
_____________________________________
I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday..." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_____________________________________
SUPERSEX A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex.." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________
ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck.." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces," Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________
OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
_____________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!" _____________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"

Please !!!!

TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: scruffys on August 25, 2010, 03:03:46 PM

Recognise anyone?
very funny keep them coming,,,, scruffys

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 25, 2010, 07:54:24 PM

Quote from: scruffys on August 25, 2010, 03:03:46 PM

Recognise anyone?
very funny keep them coming,,,, scruffys

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and
she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it
wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they
cut off my electricity this morning!"

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: fox on August 26, 2010, 02:15:16 AM

Quote

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"

brick1 hahaha

about the hoover joke..... see picture. these sales men will never learn! wildman

(http://www.kirby.com/Portals/0/content_images/find_distributor_pic.jpg)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 26, 2010, 09:10:27 PM

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water **
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool? ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........

spot1 spot1 spot1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 29, 2010, 04:55:36 PM

Hi

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast. bigok

TBWG sawadi

[attachment deleted by admin]

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 31, 2010, 04:01:14 PM

6 affairs! pray1

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on August 31, 2010, 04:06:18 PM

This time all jokes were funny!! king1 party6

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on August 31, 2010, 09:40:58 PM

3,4 and 5 were even more than funny. bravo1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 01, 2010, 02:42:58 AM

Hi bums

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE,THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on September 02, 2010, 01:22:19 AM

hahaha party10 hahaha sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 02, 2010, 09:16:25 AM

Fred show up at the local hangout with this stunningly beautiful young lady on his arm, after she went to powder her nose, all the guys came up.

"Fred, how'd a 65 year old like you get a hot broad like that?"

Fred looks around nerviously "SHHHHHHHHH, she thinks I am 87."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 05, 2010, 03:38:22 PM

Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet

The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

If you find yourself in a hole- QUIT DIGGING!

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 05, 2010, 03:51:11 PM

Cardiologist's Funeral

A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.

The vicar fainted. clap

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 05, 2010, 10:28:47 PM

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Jim

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 10, 2010, 09:51:12 PM

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman said, â€œI need to be honest with you, Iâ€™m getting a boob job.â€

The second woman responded, â€œOh, thatâ€™s nothing. Iâ€™m thinking of having my asshole bleached!â€

â€œWhoa,â€ replied the first woman. â€œI just canâ€™t picture your husband as a blonde!â€ clap

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 15, 2010, 10:31:01 PM

A Short Neurological Test

1- Find the C below. Please do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations! spot1

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 14, 2010, 08:26:39 PM

What is Old?

What is Old?

"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Choose one, I can't do both!"

"OLD" IS WHENâ€¦. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

"OLD" IS WHENâ€¦ A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by.... The doctor instead of by the police.

"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fibre today.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.

"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to wee

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on October 14, 2010, 08:44:11 PM

Depressing!! newargue

Old is when you look at young people doing the SAME things you did when you were younger and think they are irresponsible. oldmanwithstick

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 14, 2010, 08:45:24 PM

just got a leaflet out from my letterbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73! clap

I'm sooooo happy, because I live at number 67.....
so it's not far to walk home afterwards!

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 15, 2010, 08:09:17 AM

KNOW THE SYMPTOMS......PLEASE READ!

Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!! Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full. So I decide to put the bills back on the table & take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Pepsi is getting warm. I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye. They need water. I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote someone had left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs..

But first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers. Quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day: the car isn't washed the bills aren't paid there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter the flowers don't have enough water, there is still only 1 check in my check book, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail..... Do me a favor. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to. Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 28, 2010, 09:05:23 PM

An inspiration

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well, I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, and margaritas into urine. hahaha

Harold should be an inspiration to all of us.

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 02, 2010, 12:48:40 PM

I WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !! icon_must

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and early 70's !

First, we survived being born to mothers who drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer..

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle...

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: FTE on December 02, 2010, 04:43:06 PM

WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 02, 2010, 07:52:47 PM

Hi FTE

Quite astute of you to recognise my Sad Old Git status ~~ glad that rings your bell. As they say it takes one to know one!

As for getting a life I am quite content as it is, thank you.

TBWG sawadi

PS: FYI Caps lock button is near bottom left of keyboard.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on December 02, 2010, 11:59:26 PM

Quote from: FTE on December 02, 2010, 04:43:06 PM

WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE

You must be a real frustrated little man, ain't ya? :'(

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on December 03, 2010, 12:01:40 AM

Quote from: den Buut on December 02, 2010, 11:59:26 PM

Quote from: FTE on December 02, 2010, 04:43:06 PM
WHAT RINGS MY BELL IS SAD OLD BLOKE LIKE U TBWG GET A LIFE
You must be a real frustrated little man, ain't ya? :'(

Oh yeah, something's wrong with your Caps Lock, have it checked.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 03, 2010, 07:38:37 PM

What drives teachers to drink!

The following questions were set in last year's examination
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL breed.

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard, and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

TBWG sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2010, 09:37:36 PM

The Light

A 75-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, 'Ray, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?'

Ray replies, 'God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it for when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, *poof*!, the light goes on. When I'm done, *poof*!, the light goes off.'

'Wow, that's incredible,' the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Ray's wife. ' Gail ,' he says, 'Ray is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof *!, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, *poof*! the light goes off?'

'OH MY!' Gail exclaims. 'He's pissing in the fridge again!!!!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 12, 2010, 11:54:04 AM

ONIONS & CHRISTMAS TREES

A family is at the dinner table.. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how
many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of
boobs:

In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50,
they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,

'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?.

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear,
a man goes through three phases.
In his 20's, his willy is like an oak
tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch,
flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2010, 10:14:59 AM

Older men are more helpful

Two guys, one old bloke and one young, are pushing their carts around Bunnings
when they collide.

The older bloke says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife,too.
I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old bloke says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair,
big blue eyes, long legs, big b**bs, and she's wearing tight white shorts,
a halter top and no bra. 'What does your wife look like?'
'Doesn't matter', the old bloke says, 'let's look for yours.'

Most of us older blokes are helpful like that.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 14, 2011, 09:13:47 PM

HE HYPNOTIST

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize
each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.
It's a very special watch.
It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre; Claude was never invited back to entertain.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:21:02 PM

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f**king Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:23:57 PM

> GOLFER'S HONEYMOON
>
>
> A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
>
> Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
>
> He said 'How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin - in every way'
>
> The doctor told him, 'I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.'
>
> He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; an impressive work of art.
>
> The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
>
> That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, 'You're the first; no one has EVER touched these.'
>
> He immediately drops his pants and replies, ...'Look at this,
> it's still in the CRATE!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:30:41 PM

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.
>
> Doctor: "What happened?"
>
> Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband
> comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
>
> Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your
> husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea
> and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but
> don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
>
> Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
> fresh and reborn.
>
> Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my
> husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished
> and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
>
> Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:32:35 PM

Just imagine...
>
>
> If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you
> will have $49.00 today!
>
> If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have
> $33.00 today.
>
> If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you
> will have $0.00 today.
>
> But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
> beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have
> received a $214.00.
>
> Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily &
> recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
>
> A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a
> year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of
> alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles
> to the gallon!
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:34:38 PM

Really think about your answer, I found it very hard.

This is a real tough one!!

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.

THE SITUATION:

You are in London .. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.

THE TEST:

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar....

You suddenly realise who it is... It's the Muslim Cleric, Abu Hamza, the one-eyed, hook handed b*stard who hates non-Muslims and wants the UK to become an Islamic state!! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.

You have two options:

You can save the life of Abu or you can shoot a dramatic Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most despised, evil and powerful men!

NOW THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer..........

Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2011, 08:35:31 PM

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I x the room smells lovely..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 16, 2011, 09:26:28 AM

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to
the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In
response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to
ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol.
All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife At home, he
found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found
themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the
sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it
go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit
in my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet
with his hands in the air."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 19, 2011, 08:31:58 PM

The wife and I were at home watching TV. I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel. She became more and more annoyed and finally said: "For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel! You already know how to fish!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 22, 2011, 10:29:46 AM

PROOF THAT MEN CAN REMEMBER!

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of Cocoa in
front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the
wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his Hot Cocoa .

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room,
'Why are you down here at this time of night?

The husband looks up from his Cocoa , 'It's the 20th Anniversary of
the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started
dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is
so caring and sensitive. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in
my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said 'I would have gotten out
today.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 22, 2011, 10:31:32 AM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite –?

All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.

Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, Christmas is on Friday this year.

Mick said Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 22, 2011, 10:33:17 AM

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermitâ€™s pond. Looks like frogâ€™s porn to me.

Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone.

What sort of sick person does that to someoneâ€™s advent calendarâ€¦

Iâ€™ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years.

The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year youâ€™ll get a speaking part.

Sometimes you just canâ€™t win. I thought Iâ€™d be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes later she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!

Just had my water bill of Â£175 drop on my mat, that's a lot Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just Â£2 a month

Time to change supplier I think.

My missus says Iâ€™m immature and we should set aside a day so that we can talkâ€¦

Like thatâ€™s gonna happen in the middle of conker season.

I just met a man with strange hobby, he collects empty bottles.

Sounds much nicer than alcoholic.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 22, 2011, 06:12:24 PM

US Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) today stated that he had a plan to cut down on fraud, claims for benefits forms will now only be printed in English.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 22, 2011, 08:08:02 PM

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 WHEN:

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it..
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there was not a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 24, 2011, 09:19:53 AM

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she see the well known Chinese sex therapist Dr.. Chang.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room Dr. Chang said 'OK take off all your crose.'

The woman did as she was told.

'Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room.'

Again the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said 'OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me.' So she did.

Dr.Chang shook his head slowly and said, 'Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates.'

Worried the woman asked anxiously, 'Oh my God Dr.Chang what is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, 'Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your arse.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: fox on January 24, 2011, 09:24:57 AM

Ring the bell. thats what buriram members here need I feel. wake up. party2

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 26, 2011, 08:06:42 PM

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition.

'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 26, 2011, 08:09:35 PM

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament nd showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,

But there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2011, 10:15:09 AM

There was a knock on the door this morning, I opened it and there was a young bloke standing there who said:

"I'm a Jehovah's Witness".

I said "Come in and sit down, what do you want to talk about"?

He said, " Fucked if I know I've never got this far before"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2011, 04:07:17 PM

Warning from Leicestershire Constabulary.

Homeowners are being warned about 4 keys

that can open 73% of doors, 84% of cars, 99% of houses.

They are dar-keys, pak-keys, pie-keys and jun-keys

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2011, 04:08:50 PM

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

One week later, the state’s Dept of Minerals and Energy in Western Australia , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in Western Australia ’s Pilbara region, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely x all. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."

Just makes you bloody proud to be Australian.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 29, 2011, 08:18:01 PM

Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub?

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.'

She replied, ' Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?'

'Nay, Jock replied, I'm switching the heater off while I'm out.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 07, 2011, 09:40:00 PM

Only Brits will get this one...

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But 3 days later his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 09, 2011, 08:12:12 AM

A DEA agent, together with an ATF and an FBI agent, as part of a task force, arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska. The agents tell the rancher, "We need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."

The old rancher says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes saying, "Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government with us." Reaching into his rear pocket and removing his badge, the agent proudly displays it to the farmer. "See this badge, this badge means we are allowed to go wherever we wish on any land. No questions asked nor answers given. Have I made myself clear, do you understand?"

The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the rancher hears loud screams and spies the three agents running for their lives and close behind is the rancher's notoriously ill-tempered and territorial bull. With every step, the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...

"Your badges! Show him your badges!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 22, 2011, 01:06:10 PM

A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 23, 2011, 11:38:22 AM

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was Bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me.
I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate.
She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over.
'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived.
She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore.

She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married.

She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom"
She said. "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me.

He said, 'Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son..'

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 26, 2011, 09:52:25 AM

An elderly Scottish Jew decided to take life a little easier and take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, that too.
Secretary: I'm terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. I know you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen.
And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus.

But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete dick to join a golf club.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2011, 09:01:17 PM

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant. 'Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. My young man, I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients'.

'Yes, sir!' answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: 'So, Murphy, how was your day?'

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. 'The first one had a headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol..'

'Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?' asks the doctor.

'The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir' says Murphy.

'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?' asks the doctor.

'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman borsts in so she does. Like bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any man!''

'Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what did you do?' asks the doctor.

'I put drops in her eyes.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2011, 10:09:24 PM

GOD ENJOYS A GOOD LAUGH!

There were 3 good arguments that

Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone brother

2. He liked Gospel

3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into His Father's business

2. He lived at home until he was 33

3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with His hands

2. He had wine with His meals

3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut His hair

2. He walked around barefoot all the time

3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:

1. He was at peace with nature

2. He ate a lot of fish

3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married..

2. He was always telling stories.

3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all -

3 proofs that Jesus was a WOMAN:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food.

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 05, 2011, 09:46:24 PM

A QUICK SELF TEST FOR THE SYMPTOMS OF ALZHEIMERâ€™S!

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

Answers Below

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

Well, you don't have Alzheimerâ€™s, but

you may be a pervert!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 07, 2011, 09:47:15 AM

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.' ...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 21, 2011, 08:46:50 PM

AN IRISH BLONDE IN A CASINO

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland arrived at the casino. She
seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single
Roll of the dice.

She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude'.

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an
Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and
squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'

The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'

MORAL OF THE STORY -

Not all Irish are drunks,
not all blondes are dumb,
but all men...are men.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 24, 2011, 08:25:39 PM

Once upon a time there was a handsome Prince. The Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO."

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and fucked skinny, big titted broads and hunted and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and ate pussies and ass fucked cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was fuckin cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up …...... THE END.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 24, 2011, 08:35:09 PM

When Love Fades...

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's lovely voice from the kitchen.

"What would you like for dinner my love. . . chicken, beef or lamb?"

I said, "Thank you sweetheart, I'll have chicken."
-

-

-

-

She replied "You're having soup. I was talking to the dog."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 24, 2011, 08:37:48 PM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning, there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says; "Mate, we have some news for you... unfortunately, some really bad news.... but, some good news.... and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first?"

The Sarge says; 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

After a few minutes, he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says; "Well, when we got your wife up, there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her.... so, we've brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

"Geez, thanks.... They're bloody beauties!! I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "if you fancy the trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2011, 08:04:12 PM

Whether or not you are a country music fan, these are truly the words of a deep thinker, and a highly intelligent person. So simple, yet so profound! Read the words of wisdom from that famous philosopher Willie Nelson, iconic country and western singer, on his 75th birthday . Only a man with such wisdom and maturity could be so concise and succinct in phrasing his feelings at this turning point in his life.

"I've outlived my Dick."

The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out.
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring.
But now I've got a full time job,
To find the f***in' thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave.
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues.
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 30, 2011, 09:41:21 PM

Hippo Gag

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=8fedb4054e&view=att&th=12f072110aa57e69&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=14ef769fa910f71a_0.1.4&zw

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 30, 2011, 09:46:17 PM

Great Balls of Fire!

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=8fedb4054e&view=att&th=12f021925b6e2fa1&attid=0.1.3&disp=emb&zw

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 30, 2011, 09:47:16 PM

Teatime Love bite!

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=8fedb4054e&view=att&th=12f021925b6e2fa1&attid=0.1.2&disp=emb&zw

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on March 30, 2011, 09:47:37 PM

All latest links get 'server error'.
you gave us a link from your email server....its not possible to do if not login to your account.
I think you better copy/paste. slapfight

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 31, 2011, 03:04:22 PM

Hi Admin orig document will not allow cut & paste or copy!

TBWG sawadi

PS I will e mail you document titled news see if you have more success!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on March 31, 2011, 03:55:04 PM

Quote from: TBWG on March 31, 2011, 03:04:22 PM

Hi Admin orig document will not allow cut & paste or copy!

TBWG sawadi

PS I will e mail you document titled news see if you have more success!

All you had to do is save the files (one by one) and upload to the forum.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 20, 2011, 08:57:14 PM

A Scottish Soldier in full dress uniform marched into a chemist shop.
Very carefully he opened his sporran and pulled out a neatly folded cotton bandana, unfolded it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolded to reveal a condom.

The condom had a number of patches on it.

The chemist held it up and eyed it critically.

"How much to repair it?" The Scot asked the chemist.

"Six pence," said the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" said the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folded the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaced it carefully in his sporran and marched out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist heard a great shout go up outside.....

followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marched back into the chemist and addressed the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he said.

"We'll have a new one."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 01, 2011, 05:33:14 PM

Prostate Exam...Thai Style..

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service,

a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating.

As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination.

"At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse.

"I haven't got an erection" said the man.

"No, but I have" replied the nurse.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2011, 09:27:36 PM

A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2008

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that
Everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Bloody hot down here!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 07, 2011, 01:06:03 PM

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 10, 2011, 08:22:57 PM

Whether Conservative, Liberal or Labor,

I think you'll get a kick out of this!

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the
Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to
check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the
nanny..

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now. '

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class
while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
the Future is in deep shit.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 11, 2011, 10:05:51 AM

These are sentences exactly as typed by medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow region.

1. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18.. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab. test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room..

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30.. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

For the sake of your health - stay away from hospital !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 13, 2011, 01:15:19 PM

Wisdom in Profound Truths.....

Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

Good friends are like condoms; they protect you when things get hard.

Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it's all good and fun until you realize you are only screwing yourself.

Without a doubt, women are the foundation stone of society; but always remember who laid them!!!

Money is just like an arse .. everybody has it, but ... nobody wants to give it !!!

Men play the game. Women know the score.

Wives are funny creatures .... Wives don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.!?!?

Whenever you feel low, depressed or useless, remember that you are the same sperm that won a battle against a million others.

The most enjoyable form of sex education is the Braille method.

Here is the definition of divorce ... She gets the ring and the man gets the finger!!!

Mahatma Gandhi says..........'man who puts hand in bush is not always a gardener!!!'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 13, 2011, 01:16:14 PM

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on May 13, 2011, 02:04:55 PM

Quote from: TBWG on May 13, 2011, 01:16:14 PM

The missus was watching a cookery programme the other day.

I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."

She said, "You watch porn."

Bitch.

Good one! chairhit

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 14, 2011, 05:00:45 PM

THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Question 1:
WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Question 2:
WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Question 3:
WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Question 4:
WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take
your house and car with them.

Question 5:
WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTION & ANSWER
Question 6:
What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 16, 2011, 08:49:12 PM

An old prospector shuffled into town leading a tired old pack mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitching rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance . . . never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When the last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir . . . but . . . I've always wanted to."

There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.

Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Don't mess with old men . . . they didn't get old by being stupid!

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you?

Remember: OLD MEN DESERVE RESPECT

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 16, 2011, 08:50:57 PM

“No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand:

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED but there is:

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ...
COMPLETELY FINISHED !!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 18, 2011, 09:07:39 AM

PASS THE BISCUITS

[]

When I was a kid, my mum liked to make breakfast food for dinner every now & then & I remember one night in particular when she had made breakfast after a long, hard day at work. On that evening so long ago, my mum placed a plate of eggs, sausage, and extremely burned biscuits in front of my dad. I remember waiting to see if anyone noticed! Yet all my dad did was reach for his biscuit, smile at my mum and ask me how my day was at school.

I don't remember what I told him that night, but I do remember hearing my mum apologize to my dad for burning the biscuits. And I'll never forget what he said: "Honey, I love burned biscuits."

Later that night, I went to kiss Daddy good night and I asked him if he really liked his biscuits burned. He wrapped me in his arms and said, "Your mummy put in a long hard day at work today and she's real tired. And besides... A burnt biscuit never hurt anyone!"

You know, life is full of imperfect things... And imperfect people. I'm not the best at hardly anything, and I forget birthdays and anniversaries just like everyone else. What I've learned over the years is that learning to accept each others faults and choosing to celebrate each others differences, is one of the most important keys to creating a healthy, growing, and lasting relationship.

So...please pass me a biscuit. And yes, the burned one will do just fine! And please pass this along to someone who has enriched your life.... I just did!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets... Love the people who treat you right and forget about the ones who don't.

ENJOY LIFE NOW - IT HAS AN EXPIRATION DATE![]

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 19, 2011, 08:24:52 AM

The Recession is hitting everyone:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Wives are sleeping with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 20, 2011, 08:50:44 PM

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful
bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up, some of us have got
homes to go to!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 25, 2011, 09:06:20 PM

Pass The Butter ... Please .

This is interesting. .. .

Margarine was originally manufactured to fatten turkeys. When it killed the turkeys, the people who had put all the money into the research wanted a payback so they put their heads together to figure out what to do with this product to get their money back.
It was a white substance with no food appeal so they added the yellow colouring and sold it to people to use in place of butter. How do you like it? They have come out with some clever new flavourings....

DO YOU KNOW.. The difference between margarine and butter?

Read on to the end...gets very interesting!

Both have the same amount of calories.

Butter is slightly higher in saturated fats at 8 grams; compared to 5 grams for margarine.

Eating margarine can increase heart disease in women by 53% over eating the same amount of butter, according to a recent Harvard Medical Study.

Eating butter increases the absorption of many other nutrients in other foods.

Butter has many nutritional benefits where margarine has a few and
only because they are added!

Butter tastes much better than margarine and it can enhance the flavours of other foods.

Butter has been around for centuries where margarine has been around for less than100 years.

And now, for Margarine..

Very High in Trans fatty acids.

Triples risk of coronary heart disease ...

Increases total cholesterol and LDL (this is the bad cholesterol) and lowers HDL cholesterol, (the good cholesterol)

Increases the risk of cancers up to five times..

Lowers quality of breast milk.

Decreases immune response.

Decreases insulin response.

And here's the most disturbing fact.... HERE IS THE PART THAT IS VERY INTERESTING!

Margarine is but ONE MOLECULE away from being PLASTIC...and shares 27 ingredients with PAINT

These facts alone were enough to have me avoiding margarine for life and anything else that is hydrogenated (this means hydrogen is added, changing the molecular structure of the substance).

You can try this yourself:

Purchase a tub of margarine and leave it open in your garage or shaded area. Within a couple of days you will notice a couple of things:

* no flies, not even those pesky fruit flies will go near it (that should tell you something)

* it does not rot or smell differently because it has no nutritional value ; nothing will grow on it. Even those teeny weeny microorganisms will not a find a home to grow. Why? Because it is nearly plastic. Would you melt your Tupperware and spread that on your toast?

Share This With Your Friends.....(If you want to butter them up')!

Chinese Proverb:
When someone shares something of value with you and you benefit from it, you have a moral obligation to share it with others.
Pass the BUTTER PLEASE

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 25, 2011, 09:08:54 PM

Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down.... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy , you explain the kids.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 26, 2011, 05:55:59 PM

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad
to watch a young Iraqi play football, is suitably impressed and
arranges for him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down
to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager gives the young Iraqi striker
the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in
20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool .

The fans are delighted, the players and
coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he
phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I
played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down

but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody
loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell
you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your
sister and I were ambushed, raped and beaten and your brother has
joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great
time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I
say mum, but I'm so sorry.'

Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum,

It's your bloody fault we moved to
Liverpool in the first place!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 28, 2011, 09:22:34 AM

Something to think about.....

I had amnesia once - or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50 cents for a sandwich. I said, “First let me see the sandwich.”

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not sure.

The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What’s another word for thesaurus?

If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Vombatus on May 31, 2011, 09:47:48 PM

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE : BY JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory,effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on May 31, 2011, 10:32:25 PM

:D, John Cleese, :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 02, 2011, 01:17:32 AM

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really,really hard on the top of
its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 03, 2011, 07:57:34 AM

this morning while looking for a clean shirt i found my wifes secret diary...........

......... i was both delighted and aroused to read about her rough and dirty sexual fantasies, all involving ANAL

That was of course until i remembered she's dyslexic and my best mates name is ALAN.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 04, 2011, 05:41:55 PM

WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

President Obama and Prime minister David Cameron are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Obama and Cameron sitting over there?"
The bartender says, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honour! What are you guys doing in here?"
Obama says, "We're planning WW III."
The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Obama says, "Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits."
The guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits?"
"Why are you going to kill a blonde with big tits?"
Obama turns to Cameron and says, "See, I told you.........
No one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 05, 2011, 08:09:32 AM

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 am this morning, can you believe that..... 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

Man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the laundry is building up!"

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg."

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my ass! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the thrift shop to get all her clothes back.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: den Buut on June 05, 2011, 11:55:40 AM

I LOLLED Urleft, thanks. :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 06, 2011, 09:48:20 AM

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.
Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"
"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".
///////////////////////////////
INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.
********************
Man of the House
A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be The Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The bleedin funeral director would be my first guess."
***********************
A man and woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing
lovingly at each other and holding hands. Their waitress, taking another
order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding
down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of
sight under the table. Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled,
apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared.
The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me,
ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked
in."
*****************
Dom, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Dom's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Dom, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'

Dom replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Dom replies.

'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Dom smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
************************
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."
The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."
The third boy says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow!
//////////////////////////////////////

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ..."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
/////////////////

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange and embarrasing development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back. A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."
////////////////////////
Blackpool Hotel sex

A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool while on a business trip and was a bit lonely.

He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone boxes. He popped into a phone box near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.

She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs... Well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel.

When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call. 'Hello', the woman says. Gosh, she sounded sexy. 'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic love, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 09, 2011, 07:32:59 PM

Aircraft Maintenance Log Entries from the U.S. Air Force

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. "Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight.

(Problem) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
(Solution) Almost replaced left inside main tire

(Problem) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough
(Solution) Autoland not installed on this aircraft

(Problem) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid,
(Solution) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

(Problem) Something loose in cockpit
(Solution) Something tightened in cockpit

(Problem) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
(Solution) Evidence removed

(Problem) DME volume unbelievably loud
(Solution) Volume set to more believable level

(Problem) Dead bugs on windshield
(Solution) Live bugs on order

(Problem) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent
(Solution) Cannot reproduce problem on ground

(Problem) IFF inoperative
(Solution) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

(Problem) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick
(Solution) That's what they're there for

(Problem) Number three engine missing
(Solution) Engine found on right wing after brief search

(Problem) Aircraft handles funny
(Solution) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "flyright", and be serious

(Problem) Target Radar hums
(Solution) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 12, 2011, 08:59:21 PM

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball..'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that....that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again; you're in my closet now.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 12, 2011, 09:03:57 PM

: The Thailand Gym

An old guy (not in the best of shape) was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing... He asked the trainer that was near by "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said "I would try the ATM in the lobby"......

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 13, 2011, 12:07:52 AM

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 13, 2011, 12:09:01 AM

Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean
they don’t love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients
in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered
her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news
and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able
to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

‘The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon
can I go home?’

Happy Mental Health Day!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 13, 2011, 04:35:25 PM

My neighbor found out that her dog ( a Schnauzer) could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady replied "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

The pharmacist says "Well stay off your bicycle for about a week."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 13, 2011, 04:39:19 PM

Dear Mr Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing the UK 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money
on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.

You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.

Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following
stipulations:

1) They MUST retire.
Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed

2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage -
Housing Crisis fixed

4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university -
Crime rate fixed

5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....
And there's your money back in duty/tax etc

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their
falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

*Also.. *
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.

This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.

They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment,
wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped
instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.

Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and
returned to them.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and
snacks to their cell.

They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.

They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling,
pool and education.

Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on
request.

Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.

Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.

There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would
have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay
£600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention):

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow
epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost
three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of
Cumbria?

And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to
locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we
should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also;
Think about this ... If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending
someone -- YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM! It is time for us grumpy old folk of
Britain to speak up!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 14, 2011, 09:33:55 AM

Bitches to the End...

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, "I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order."

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

"Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini."

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end. "I've been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, "Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?"

"Because I don't want any of those fucking bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone."

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, "Putting Your Affairs In Order."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 15, 2011, 10:20:11 AM

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing
50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come
back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 21, 2011, 09:15:05 PM

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a--hole" . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a "s--t head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 22, 2011, 03:39:31 PM

THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so,
he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece
of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.

"How long will this take?" I asked.

"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.

I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet
paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over
the years?"

Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may walk again,
although he will continue to take his meals through a straw.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 22, 2011, 03:40:33 PM

At Any Given Moment:

FACT:


79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:


58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:


37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:


1 person is reading emails.

You hang in there, Sunshine ...........

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 28, 2011, 11:38:11 PM

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE
MOON.

HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,

"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,"
WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE SPACECRAFT FOR THE RETURN
JOURNEY TO EARTH , HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR.
GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN
EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS
TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG
ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-
YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR.. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW
ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN
TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS
FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR
BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG
ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID
NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

TRUE STORY.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 29, 2011, 05:47:13 AM

WOMEN JOKES

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is
installing new "Drive-through" teller machines enabling customers to
withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when
accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE &
FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate
steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write deposit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Woman's Prayer:

I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Unusual Funeral

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her
morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long
black hearse about 50 feet behind the
first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary
woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance
back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman was so curious that she respectfully
approached the woman walking the dog and said,
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a
bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this.
Whose
funeral is it?"

"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was
trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 03, 2011, 05:58:16 PM

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style.

house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him
the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young..
I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in

rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog

would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting

any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the

airport to do some undercover security, wandering near

suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible

dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and
now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.

burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 03, 2011, 11:15:18 PM

A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Bradford, Yorks., and still wearing all this crap?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 03, 2011, 11:43:06 PM

WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!

"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 1940's, 50's, 60's and even early 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gob stoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate biscuits, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the street lights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY ,
no video/dvd films,
no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
RUGBY and CRICKET had try outs and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on
MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO
DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 04, 2011, 12:55:14 AM

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite?All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "

Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .""f*ck that" says Mick"have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p* nis she had ever laid her hands on.I said "You're pulling my leg"

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer.The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..."Where are you from?You sound English", "I'm from across the Severn ," replies the man nervously."What do you do, just across the Severn ?", "I'm a taxidermist.""What on earth is one of those?", "I mount animals.""Its alright boys," shouts the barman he's one of us.

Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p* nis enlarger.Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.

What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman? One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.

An old lady is being examined by the Dr. He asks have you ever been bedridden? she says yes I have and I've been table ended and backskuttled a few times too!

A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said i would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not f--k--g listening.

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called a wedding cake.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and i said i love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Hi mate i don't want you to panic but I'm texting you from the casualty. Turns out the new Dyson Ball cleaner isn't what i thought it was.

I've just come out of the takeaway with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'...I told him 'I wish I had your f*cking will power'.

I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me food in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually!'

Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!

Guess what – they sent my Census Form back!!!

In answer to the question ‘Do you have any dependents?’

I put ‘asylum seekers, gypos, smack heads, most of Liverpool, the cast of the Jeremy Kyle Show, the Tipton Taliban, robbing MPs, Lloyds Bank, RBS Bank, Northern Rock, the Scottish NHS, Civil Service pensioners and half of Eastern Europe’ ... and apparently it wasn’t the right answer.

END burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 04, 2011, 01:06:55 AM

Nice one! burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 04, 2011, 01:13:51 AM

COLONOSCOPY

. If you ever had a COLONOSCOPY or are planning on one, don't miss this one!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.

At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house..

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like . . . . .

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous!!!!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:

13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

burirampea burirampea burirampea burirampea burirampea burirampea burirampea burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 14, 2011, 06:43:48 AM

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Johnny 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 15, 2011, 04:47:25 AM

NEW 2012 FORD

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the European Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, only. It probably will be a favorite target for the female car thief, but the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 15, 2011, 04:04:30 PM

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f##k all.it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 16, 2011, 01:50:04 AM

Good morning to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail,
Altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter?

"A?. Africans, any Africans on board?"

No one answers "Ok then?

"B?. Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.

"C? - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"

"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.

Let dem Muslims go first."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 16, 2011, 02:01:37 AM

Fool proof way for old guys "to pick up chicks"!

A truly touching story....truly touching:

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and she

immediately dropped to her knees and laid

on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought

"These taser guns are well worth the money."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 16, 2011, 02:03:21 AM

If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be. What great copy!!!

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 22, 2011, 10:27:32 PM

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £4,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
Spent about £250
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 24, 2011, 09:24:46 AM

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b ) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.

"*#+*in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm #*+*in sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a *#*+in clock!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on July 24, 2011, 11:18:30 AM

Text from Husband to Wife: "Honey, I'm just having my last beer, I'll be home in 20 Mins, if I'm not, Read the message again"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 25, 2011, 03:25:02 AM

This may not apply to you yet, but it will. The frequency of having a craft moment rapidly increases (Craft: can't remember a fu..... thing)

AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't for the life of me remember to whom I've sent it.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 25, 2011, 03:34:24 AM

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07.. Things you buy now won't wear out

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19.You can't remember who sent you this list..

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2011, 03:03:23 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'

'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

'You dumber than buffalo Shit. It means someone stole the tent.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 31, 2011, 04:46:38 PM

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

But what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 31, 2011, 04:48:47 PM

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 02, 2011, 11:21:08 PM

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2011, 10:18:10 AM

The Biker and The Kiss

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw
a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a
big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive,...

he didn't want to miss an opportunity so ...he asked

"Well, before you jump,

why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished,

the biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I've ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous.

Why are you committing suicide?"
.

.

.

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2011, 09:16:34 PM

The Female Marine Instructor

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female
Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to
provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities
to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep skepticism
about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was
suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She
said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new " Bitching
Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason
given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern
revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male
homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were
wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 03, 2011, 10:13:15 PM

Hi Bums

Check this out before ADMIN pulls it! My new Crash helmet!

TBWG sawadi burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 05, 2011, 07:33:06 PM

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking
her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles
discovers that he's lost . Wandering about, he notices a leopard
heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch..
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!" Noticing some
bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is
about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one
delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look
of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew! ",
says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
protection from the leopard. S o off he goes, but the old poodle sees
him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that
something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard,
spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here,
monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving
canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back
and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the
dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle
says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me
another leopard!

Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome
youth and skill! Bullshit and brilliance only come with age and
experience.

If you don't send this to five "old" friends right away there will be
five fewer people laughing in the world.

I am in no way insinuating that any of us are old, some are just more
youthfully challenged.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 06, 2011, 12:14:03 AM

Tolerance

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Auckland.

I think it should be the goal of every New Zealander to be tolerant.

Thus the Mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque.

We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."

Next door should be a butcher's shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called "Iraq o' Ribs."

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop: "Koranal Knowledge "; its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."

All of this would encourage the Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so the mosque problem would be solved.

If you agree with promoting tolerance, and you think this is a good plan, please pass it on..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 06, 2011, 12:17:23 AM

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. Looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and, realising he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear............

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 07, 2011, 11:34:06 AM

Trying to put it in perspective for all you Brits.

Every Young Girls Dream:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 08, 2011, 11:03:05 PM

Beware of older men - they only get wiser!

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.

She spends £15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a Paper shop to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the shopkeeper, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am

'About 32,' is the reply.'

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into Big C and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself.. She stops at a Chemists on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some toothpaste and asks the counter girl this same burning question.

The girl responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't' she says.

'I was behind you at Big C.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 09, 2011, 08:54:27 AM

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jeff on August 09, 2011, 09:32:41 AM

Quote from: urleft on August 09, 2011, 08:54:27 AM

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'

Truer to life than not!!! whistle

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on August 09, 2011, 10:30:24 AM

Quote from: jeff on August 09, 2011, 09:32:41 AM

Quote from: urleft on August 09, 2011, 08:54:27 AM
Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole , just fishing quietly and drinking beer .

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish , Bob says, 'I think I'm
going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says ,

'You better think it over - women like that are hard to find.'
Truer to life than not!!! whistle

That's why it's a good joke....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 12, 2011, 06:05:14 AM

EMPLOYEE NOTICE

**********************

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the
economy, Federal Parliament has decided to implement a scheme to put workers
of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating
jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be considered
for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW
program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the
government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants
& Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any
further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT
(Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always
prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to
the attention of your local member of parliament, who has been trained to
give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E..V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and
oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the
Tunnel has been turned off.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Daft Ada on August 12, 2011, 03:42:11 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 13, 2011, 09:08:27 AM

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 17, 2011, 01:40:39 AM

RETIREMENT BONUS

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a
bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two
points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would
be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his
head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with
a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out
with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when
asked where he would like to be measured replied,

'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing
the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he
did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's
weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

burirampea burirampea burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 17, 2011, 01:42:05 AM

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.
> >After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze
> statue
>
> >of a rat.
>
> >It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it
>
> >anyway.
>
> >
>
> >He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
>
> >The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'
>
> >
>
> >The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat,
> you
>
> >can keep the story.'
>
> >
>
> >As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had
>
> >crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
>
> >
>
> >This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little
> faster, but
>
> >within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and
> they
>
> >were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
>
> >
>
> >He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he
> looked
>
> >behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they
> were
>
> >running faster & faster. By now very concerned, he ran down to the
> pier and
>
> >threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
>
> >
>
> >Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it
> and were
>
> >all drowned.
>
> >
>
> >The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said:
> 'Ah,
>
> >you've come back for the story then?'
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >
>
> >'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got a bronze
> Muslim
>
> >Fundamentalist Cleric, a couple of illegal immigrants,
>
> >a Manchester United supporter, and anything French!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 17, 2011, 07:57:59 AM

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.

After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"

She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 18, 2011, 02:23:52 AM

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'
'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.
'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'
'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, 'and Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father
John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'
'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.
'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'
'That wicked old bastard, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 18, 2011, 02:26:32 AM

No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!

With the average cost for a nursing home care costing £188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble.
I've already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn.
For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's £59.23 per night.
Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours in the afternoon.
That leaves £128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.
Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.
Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.
£5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.
They treat you like a customer, not a patient.
There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.
The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).
To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.
For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.
While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.
And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.
Want to see Hawaii? They have Holiday Inn there too.
TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . .. or the undertaker.

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

The grandkids can use the pool.
What more could I ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age, I'll face it with a grin.
AIDS WARNING!

To all of you approaching 50 or have REACHED 50 and past, this email is especially for you......
SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS!

HEARING AIDS

BAND AIDS

ROLL AIDS

WALKING AIDS

MEDICAL AIDS

GOVERNMENT AIDS

MOST OF ALL,

MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!

Not forgetting HIV
(Hair is Vanishing)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 18, 2011, 06:52:57 PM

THE RIOTERS PRAYER:-

Our father, who art in prison, my mum knows not his name, thy Riots come, read it in the Sun, in Birmingham, as it is in London, give us this day our Welfare bread & forgive us our looting, as we're happy to loot those who defend stuff against us, lead us not into employment but deliver us free housing, for thine is the tellies, the Burberry & the Blackberry, forever and ever...Innit !!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 20, 2011, 07:21:00 AM

Frank Feldman

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman... He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: ‘There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right.’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman..

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: ‘Well... I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his whining widow!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Krok Kinuh on August 20, 2011, 02:17:12 PM

I really LOLLED. :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 08, 2011, 08:26:28 AM

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says,

"Listen here, good looking, I will screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, their place, my place, in the car, front door, back door,on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on . . . It doesn't matter to me. I just love it."

His eyes now wide with interest, he responds,

"No kidding... I'm in Parliament too. What state are you from?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 08, 2011, 09:43:56 PM

Are you insured for sex?

Make sure you get the Correct Insurance for the sex you are having.
Please find a list of companies below catering for most tastes....
Sex with your wife - Legal and General ....
Sex on the telephone - Direct Line ....
Sex with your Partner - Standard Life.....
Sex with someone Different - Go Compare ...
Sex with a Fat bird - More Than ...
Sex On the back seat of a car- Sheila's Wheels ....
Sex with a posh bird - Privilege ....
Sex with a transvestite - confused.com.. .

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 08, 2011, 09:47:47 PM

A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, 'That's
about average in Yorkshire... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player.'
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of 'WOW!' One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, 'Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?'

The proud father answers, 'Twenty pounds.'
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. 'What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!'

The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's Bitter Beer,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,

'Had him circumcised...'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 08, 2011, 10:03:13 PM

- VERY BRAVE MAN JOKES ---

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there..

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 98%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 08, 2011, 10:08:22 PM

The recession has hit everybody really hard...

Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.

My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally....
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 10, 2011, 06:16:26 AM

Alzheimer's Test for Modern Seniors

How fast can you guess these words

1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?
Don't worry. You don't have Alzheimer's. You are just a pervert.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 10, 2011, 08:15:04 PM

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

ENGINEERING CASE NUMBER 8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 13, 2011, 10:04:55 PM

No Underwear . . .

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed .

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 16, 2011, 08:29:34 AM

WELL, NOW I UNDERSTAND .......

Our English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.

We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

Less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows, a Rook of ravens, an Exaltation of doves and, (presumably because they look so wise), a Parliament of owls.

Now, consider a group of Baboons. These are the loudest, most obnoxious, most aggressive, most vicious, most dangerous and least intelligent of all primates. And what is the proper collective noun for a group of these uncivilized creatures?

Believe it or not, it is: a Congress of baboons!

"I guess that pretty much explains everything that comes out of Washington!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 16, 2011, 08:30:15 AM

ONLY A MOTHER WOULD KNOW...

~A Cup of Tea ~

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my mom came home.

My dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!'

Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy; and she watched him drink it up.

Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 16, 2011, 07:49:18 PM

A Police STOP at 1AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 16, 2011, 07:52:12 PM

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old.. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it
- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 18, 2011, 08:52:31 AM

LIVING WILL FORM.

I, ____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead partisan politicians who couldn’t pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors/hospitals interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes, and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

______a Cold Beer____ a Scotch and soda ______a Bloody Mary ______a Gin and Tonic _______a Glass of Chardonnay ______a Steak ______Lobster or crab legs ______the remote control ______a bowl of ice cream ______the sports page______Sex ______or Chocolate: It should be presumed that I won’t ever get any better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day. At this point, it is time to call the New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.

Signature:__________________________ Date: _____

PS I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier, and they have a lot more visitors. Some of them don’t even need embalming when their time comes. If anyone knows the name of this happy place, PLEASE pass it on!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 18, 2011, 08:53:01 AM

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, ‘Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it , you cannot qualify for this job.’

Mujibar said, ‘I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink, and Green .’

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, ‘Mister manager, I am ready.’

The manager said, ‘Go ahead.’

Mujibar said, ‘The telephone goes green, green, and I pink it up, and say, Yellow, this is Mujibar.’

Mujibar now works at a call center.

No doubt you have spoken to him. I know I have.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 18, 2011, 05:31:48 PM

Think before you speak....

Here are six reasons why you should think
Before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that
You could immediately take the wordsback...
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....

FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help me..
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'

THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and
Passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon,
My toddler decided to release
Some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of
Her after receiving looks of disgust
And annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving
'right now' she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now,
I will tell Grandma that I saw you
Kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.

FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco,
I smelled something funny,
So of course I checked
My seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny
Had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go,
And he said 'No' ..
I kept thinking
'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.'
Then I said,
'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
S oooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants,
Bent over, spread his cheeks
And yelled
'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing,
He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.

An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't,
Turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you
Promised me last night?'

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

Now, didn't that feel good?
Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh
And remember
We all say things we don't really mean,
So think before you speak!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 19, 2011, 06:19:07 PM

> > After being married for thirty years....a wife asked her husband to
> > describe her.
> > He looked at her slowly...then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G,
> > H....
> > I, J, K."
> > She asks..... "What does that mean?"
> > He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy,
> > Gorgeous, Hot.
> > She smiled happily and said...."Oh, that's so lovely.....
> > What about I, J, K?"
> > He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
> >
> > His eye is still swollen....but it will get better.............
> > (men just never know when to quit!)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 20, 2011, 05:21:25 PM

Seniors Bus Tours

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again .....he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'

The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

It pays to be careful around old people!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 23, 2011, 12:20:56 AM

The Pastor's Ass

The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The ! Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

Have
a nice day!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 25, 2011, 12:17:57 AM

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're

having sex with your wife. The whole street was

watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says:

"Well the joke's on them cos I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and

playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jesus Paddy,

what ya doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on

in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy

to attracter.....

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it

a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.

Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to

Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?

Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year".

Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy & Mick find three hand grenades, so they take them to a police station.

Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say

we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"

Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just feckin wet mine."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 27, 2011, 03:09:22 AM

Sell my stuff if I die
Women, don’t you just luv them. The older you are and the longer you have been married, the funnier this is.
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don 't want some other asshole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 28, 2011, 09:16:37 AM

In the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval.
I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.
We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The British Government are already in the process of doing it."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 28, 2011, 04:03:33 PM

Subject: London Riots - Not PC

.........................The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics will be just like any other Friday night in London, you'll hear a gunshot followed by eight blacks legging it...........................Boots are reporting that after the looting of their shops throughout London, the only thing left on the shelves is fake tan
............................Police in London are to use a mixture of water and Persil in their cannons. That should stop the coloureds running.....................Apparently a masked superhero double act were seen on the streets of Tottenham last night. Blackman and Robbing.......................Cops stop a Pakki in a transit van on the motorway. Cop says 'You know the limit is 70?' Paki looks behined and says 'Hear that? Three of you will have to get out!'.....................The British Government has reacted to worldwide rioting by sending rescue vehicles to evacuate all British Citizens. They have sent three ships to Lybia two planes to Syria and a mini cab to Tottenham

..................Wow the new Planet of the Apes trailer is amazing...No wait a minute it's Sky News from Tottenham ........................Following the riots and looting in Tottenham a large number of scousers will not travel down for the match between Spurs and Everton, due to fears that all the best stuff has already been stolen..........................Following the riots in Tottenham I think it's important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The vast majority are in fact drug dealers and rapists..........................

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 28, 2011, 08:39:59 PM

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the

small accident I had with the 4 by 4 when I turned into the driveway.....

Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too

much about me.

I was coming home from Tesco and when I turned into the driveway.

I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is slightly bent but the 4 by 4 fortunately came to a halt when

it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will

forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart.

I am enclosing a photo for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

XX

P.S. Your girlfriend phoned. slapfight

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 01, 2011, 09:39:52 AM

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year.
You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

My new wig arrived the other day. It's made of arsehole hair. The bloody thing keeps blowing off.

A wise man once said "You should treat your women the way you treat your hoover. When it stops sucking, change the old bag."

Question - are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?" Apparently putting "Hundreds of f&cking Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

What do Tottenham Hotspur and Heather Mills have in common? The second leg is just for show

Just £3 will buy water and food for a family in Africa . But don't let your heart rule your head. Morrisons are doing 4 Stella for £2-99.

100 people from Liverpool were asked today if they thought Britain should change its currency. 98% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear. "What are you so happy about?" he asked. "I just f *cked the girl next door" he says proudly. "Well done son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava."

I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the programme's called Fact Hunt.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA information in it. That means that a normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1403808.59375GB in about 3 seconds. And you thought Virgin media was fast.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I've been ringing 08001730 for 2 bloody days. Why don't you answer the bloody phone. Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft twat.

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said "Wave" they legged it!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2011, 12:41:46 AM

I have to admit, I probably drink more in retirement than I ever used to. With that I needed to find ways to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:

Well, I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks. Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before. I took a bus home.

I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2011, 12:46:31 AM

THE ABBO AND THE GAY MAN
It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny near deserted local pub in Mt. Isa was an Abbo.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Abbo and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Abbo leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Abbo and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Abbo replied.. "Something about a job."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2011, 12:48:54 AM

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her,
'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday.
It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it.
Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it
under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked,
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2011, 05:10:44 PM

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2011, 05:18:34 PM

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says,
'What's wrong with you, little fellow?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you
the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................. I'm 7
feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3
pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown'?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2011, 04:58:44 PM

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f******g difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY..

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f******g beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f******g business.

I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2011, 05:00:38 PM

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet..

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far
As they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's reversing!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2011, 05:13:00 PM

For Sale:
Wedding Dress, Size 8.
Worn Once By Mistake.

Every Wife Is A 'Mistress" For Her Husband.
"Miss" For One Hour &"Stress" For the Rest 23 Hours..!.

There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn't Understand A Woman
Before Marriage And After Marriage.

Wife : I Will Die.
Husband :I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can't Bear That Much Happiness..!.

My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn't.

Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet
Those Waiting Outside Are Desperate To Get In
& Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.

Why Were Hurricanes Usually Named After Women?
Because When They Arrive, They're Wet And Wild, But
When They Go, They Take Your House And Car..

Text Messaging
Husband Sends The Following Message To His Wife
My Love,
If You're Sleeping, Send Me Your Dreams.
If You're Smiling, Send Me Your Smile.
If You're Crying, Send Me Your Tears.
I Love You.
Wife Texed Back :
I'm In The Toilet, What Should I Send You?

The Woman Applying For A Job In A Florida Lemon Grove Seemed Way Too Qualified For The Job.
"Look Miss," Said The Foreman, "Have You Any Actual Experience In Picking Lemons?"
"Well, As A Matter Of Fact, Yes!" She Replied. "I've Been Divorced Three Times."

Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention.
One Double And You Start Feeling Single Again.

A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can
Remove A Curse He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, "Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You."
The Man SaysWithout Hesitation, "I Now PronounceYou Man And Wife."

Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle Wife?`
Google Search Result, `still Searching`.

A Man Goes To A Shrink And Says, "Doctor, My Wife Is Unfaithful To Me.
Every Evening, She Goes To Larry's Bar And Picks Up Men.
In Fact, She Sleeps With Anybody Who Asks Her!
I'm GoingCrazy.
What Do You Think I Should Do?"
"Relax," SaysThe Doctor, "Take A Deep Breath And Calm Down.
Now, Tell Me, Exactly Where Is Larry's Bar?"

Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : Honey What Are You Doing..
Husband: MISSING YOU..

A Man Goes ToSee The Rabbi.
"Rabbi, Something Terrible Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It."
The Rabbi Asked,"What's Wrong?"
The Man Replied, "My Wife Is Poisoning Me."
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, "How Can That Be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi Then Offers,
"Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I'll See What I Can Find Out And I'll Let You Know."
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, "Well I SpokeTo Her For Three Hours.
You Want My Advice?"
The Man Said "Yes"
The Rabbi Replied, "Take The poison.....

Give me a sense of humor. Lord, Give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humor out of life, and pass it on to other folks.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2011, 05:14:45 PM

Adam
said, "Gladly,
Lord, what do You
want me to do?"

God
said, "Go down
into that
valley."
Adam said, "What's
a valley?"

God explained it to
him. Then God said,
"Cross the
river.."

Adam said, "What's a
river?"

God explained that
to him, and then said,
"Go over to the
hill...."

Adam said, "What is a
hill?"

So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On
the
other side of the
hill you will find a
cave."

Adam said, 'What's a
cave?'

After God explained,
He
said, "In the cave
you will find a woman."

Adam said, "What's a
woman?'

So God explained
that to him, too..
Then, God said, 'I
want you
to
reproduce."

Adam said, "How do
I do
that?"

God first said (under
His breath), "Geez....."

And then,
just like everything else, God explained that to
Adam, as
well.

So, Adam goes down
into
the valley,

across the river, and
over the hill,
into the
cave, and finds the
woman.

Then, in
about five minutes, he was back.

God,
His patience
wearing thin, said
angrily, "What is
it
now?"

And Adam said....

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

"What's a
headache?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2011, 05:17:28 PM

Health advice for women!

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

Do you suffer from shyness?

Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Sauvignon Blanc.

Sauvignon Blanc is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. It can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Sauvignon Blanc almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.

Stop hiding and start living.

Sauvignon Blanc may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use it. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

*WARNINGS:*

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may cause you to think you can sing.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may make you think you can converse
enthusiastically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

* The consumption of Sauvignon Blanc may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

Now just imagine what you could achieve with a good Pinot Noir...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 05, 2011, 08:30:51 PM

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Panadol also has a generic name of Paracetamol. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Nurofen is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Di xafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky Boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 06, 2011, 07:19:52 AM

Friends are like knickers....

Some crawl up your arse....
Some snap under pressure....
Some don't have the strength to hold you up....
Some get a little twisted....
Some are your favourite....
some get thrown away when new ones come along....
Some are holey....
Some are cheap and just plain nasty....
And some actually do cover your arse when u need them to :-)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 06, 2011, 07:22:10 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 06, 2011, 07:41:57 PM

'A petrol station owner in Ludhiana was trying to
increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon a Sardar pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The Sardar guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, the Sardar, along with his friend ,a Gujju, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. the Sardar guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, the Gujju said to the Sardar, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

The Sardar replied, 'No it ain't . It's not rigged at all.
My wife won twice last week.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 07, 2011, 05:58:31 PM

LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP (miss-match )
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!!
Glasgow cop says, " Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnt come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnt come to a complete stop. Licence and Registration, Please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye have to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration;and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says,
"Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 07, 2011, 07:45:45 PM

New make of WINE

A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night

sleep.

NEW Wine for Seniors

I kid you not...

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce

Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new

hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to

make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as

PINO MORE

I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 09, 2011, 03:46:14 AM

It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use
water cannons on the rioters. They are putting some Persil in though to
stop the coloureds running.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind ourselves
that not all black people are stereotypical thieves and arsonists. The
vast majority are drug dealers and rapists.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water, 7 miles
every day for food & 10 miles every day for medicine for him & his
family. This is because the daft bastard and all his mates torched the
Peckham Spar, Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now he has to
walk to Croydon for his breakfast

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Riots in Runcorn last night caused over £1 million worth of improvements

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 15, 2011, 09:25:59 PM

HOW TO START A FIGHT

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started......

________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me.. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

______________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started...

_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And then the fight started......

______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair..

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 15, 2011, 09:29:16 PM

If the global crisis continues at the present rate,
by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational

..... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank!

And before you know it, these two will merge and the
whole place will be full of bloody wankers.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 16, 2011, 07:33:00 PM

Subject: Religion

A young couple wanted to join the church. The priest told them, 'We have a special requirement for new member couples.. You must abstain from sex for one whole month.'

The couple agreed, but after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the priest ushered them into
his office, the wife was crying and the husband was obviously very depressed.

'You are back so soon, is there a problem?' the priest enquired.

'We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month,' the young man replied sadly.

The priest asked him what happened.

'Well, the first week was difficult, however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However the third week was unbearable; we tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts.

One afternoon my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and I just had my way with her right then and there. It was lustful, loud, passionate sex. It lasted for over an hour and when we were done we were both drenched in sweat,' admitted the man, shamefacedly.

The priest lowered his head and said sternly, 'You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church.'

'We know.' said the young man, hanging his head, 'We're not welcome at Homebase, either' !!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 19, 2011, 07:50:22 PM

A guy calls the company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program..
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads; 'If you catch me you can have me’.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone... 'This is our most rigorous program.’
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 63 pounds that week.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 23, 2011, 07:29:29 PM

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.

They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.

=============================================== =

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder

by mistake - both are in intensive care...

One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.

================================================

During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.

A spokesman for the Birmingham City Council said 'We didn't even know

they were living up there'.

================================================

Asian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough

television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown

3 times a week now.

================================================

I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean,

a ginger haired kid, with two friends?

================================================

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him

in front of a steam train. He was chuffed to bits.

================================================

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was

caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them.... they are bound to be

curious about Sex at that age."

"Curious about Sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her appendix out!"

================================================

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

================================================

I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 23, 2011, 07:43:46 PM

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT. boatsailing
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING!)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 23, 2011, 07:46:47 PM

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona

when her car broke down.

An American Indian on horseback came along

and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful,
except that every few minutes the Indian would let out

a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,

yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?"

asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered.
"I merely sat behind him on the horse,
put my arms around his waist,

And held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off.
"Lady," the attendant said,

"Indians don't use saddles."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 23, 2011, 07:57:18 PM

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 23, 2011, 08:00:04 PM

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a

well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start

to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Eric: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He's no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil

and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - ‘Scuse me. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do

for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example. Do you have a goldfish at home?

Phil: - Er. Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you

have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house, built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you

haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife

on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive. Thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Eric: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Eric: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on October 24, 2011, 09:13:44 AM

Hey Dave, thanks for starting my week with a good laugh

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 26, 2011, 06:34:07 PM

You know there are so many TV channels, each starved of new programs.
In a rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease,
arranged for an interview with a farmer who may have some theories on the matter...

The interview was as follows:

The lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease.
Can you offer any reason for this disease?
The farmer stared at the reporter and said,
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?
Reporter: (obviously embarrassed): Well, sir, that's a new piece of information
but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?
Farmer: And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?
Reporter: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?
Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam.
Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day....
and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?

THE TV INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 28, 2011, 07:18:57 PM

The Dead Parrot

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor . He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I shot her with your new Kreighoff Limited Edition Custom Gold Engraved Trap Special with the custom Wangi Exhibition Grade Stock.

SILENCE... LONG SILENCE...VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you scratched that shotgun,
you're in deep shit."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 09:39:41 PM

PRICELESS!

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that..'
The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of
many.'
The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said.. 'I am the Father of hundreds',
and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and
said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards
instead of your collar."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 09:43:47 PM

Subject: FW: Things to know - ENJO

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

------------

Many years ago in Scotland , a new game was invented.
It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .
and thus, the word GOLF entered into the English language.

------------

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma Flintstone

------------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

------------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

------------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog
to the age of eleven:
£ 10,120.00

------------

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

------------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents
a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

------------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

------------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

------------

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand (I FOUND THIS ONE QUITE INCREDIBLE)

------------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented by women.

------------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

------------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

------------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

------------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts....
So in old England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down. It's where we get the phrase: 'mind your P's and Q's'

------------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------

At least 75% of people who read this will try to
lick their elbow!

------------

Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not,
you can read it.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by

istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family
of three.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses..

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom
of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting
your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no 9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't
a 9 on this list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

Stop trying to lick your elbow!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 09:50:05 PM

Bill Cosby "I'm 76 and Tired" Worth reading.....

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand etc.

"I'm 76 and I'm Tired"

I'm 76. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it.

I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honour"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and mandrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia, New Zealand, UK, America and Canada, while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20's bedeck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 76.. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not on the way in.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!

This is your chance to make a difference.
" I'm 76 and I'm tired. If you don't forward this you are part of the problem".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 09:54:09 PM

Tony Blair-Walking Eagle

On a recent trip to the United States , Tony Blair, Ex. Prime Minister of the UK , addressed a major gathering of Native American Indians.

He spoke for almost an hour on his plans for a Carbon Trading Tax for the UK and Europe.

At the conclusion of his speech, the crowd presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle.

A very chuffed Tony then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds..

A news reporter later asked one of the Indians how they came to select the new name given to Tony Blair.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 09:57:41 PM

NO Speak English

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)

>
>

>
>
>>
>
?
?
>

What were you
Thinking?

Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:00:08 PM

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women

which should be far less susceptible to theft.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus,

calling it the "Clitaurus."

The average male thief won't even be able to find it,

let alone operate the damn thing.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:03:04 PM

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Mike,
I hope you can help me. the other day, I set off for work, leaving my
husband watching TV. My car broke about a mile down the way.
I had to walk back to my house to get the help of my husband. when I got
home I couldn't believe my eyes.
My husband was having sex with our neighbour's daughter! I am 32, my husband
is 34 and the neighbors daughter is 19.
We have been married for 10 years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and told me that they had been having
an affair for 6 months.
He won't go to counselling and I am a wreck and need advice immediately.
Can you help me?
Sincerely,
Sheila.

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line.
If it is clear, check the hoses and vacuum pipes on the intake manifold and
also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, then the fuel pump itself is
faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the engines.
I hope this helps,
Mike.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:04:36 PM

Subject: Fwd: Did I read that sign correctly?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:07:20 PM

The cowboy

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man

standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him

of his great ambition to be a great shot...

‘Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the

holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will '

the young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie

off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -

that’ll give you a smoother draw'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur,

and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon.

'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano,

he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:08:54 PM

My friend, who is a the head of Human Resources at a very large bank, says
that the best excuse for absenteeism, that he had ever received in his
career of almost 22 years, was from a female Indian employee, at their
bank's head quarters at Mumbai, India, in July, 2010.

He says when the lady, was questioned on why she remained absent the
previous day, she simply replied .......

" But sir, I had no option. My husband was on casual leave yesterday and
was at home. By mistake he took pills from the wrong bottle in our
medicine cabinet and ended up consuming an over-dose of Viagra !

Now how could I have left him, all alone at home, with the house-maid ? "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:12:24 PM

A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”

“Yes,” she replied, “You are checking for abrasions or Dermatological abnormalities.”

“That's right,” said the doctor.. He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said, “You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.”

“Correct,” replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”

“Yes,” she said, “You’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:14:14 PM

The Irish Funeral

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

"I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

''What happened to her?"

"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Get in line."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: pfbrown on November 03, 2011, 10:33:19 PM

Thank you TBWG, you make my day every time you post ! Your hard work is appreciated, you have a big following among my friends!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 03, 2011, 10:38:57 PM

Thanks pfb

I particularly like the Tony Blair ~~ Walking Eagle one! :D

TBWG sawadi burirampea burirampea burirampea

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 04, 2011, 08:53:47 AM

Some succeed in licking their elbows

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c97TQsD6qtA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5flgquKmik

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 06, 2011, 08:41:21 PM

Subject: French & pins dropping.

.

wonder why the French are so unpopular?

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO.

De Gaulle said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded
"Does that include those who are buried here?"

You could have
Heard a pin drop

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American.

During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done?

He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly:

'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply
emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day,

They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.

We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.

At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English.

He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied,

'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN
WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane.

At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The Englishman said,

'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You English always have to show your passports on arrival in France !"

The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained,

''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

You could have
Heard a pin drop.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Daft Ada on November 07, 2011, 07:31:35 PM

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."
The President said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"
The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek."
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, "That's because it's set in the future".

Daft screwy

May the sauce be with you!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 09, 2011, 08:27:19 PM

Magic Sandals

[]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica.

They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 10, 2011, 08:57:54 PM

Drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 10, 2011, 10:14:57 PM

Differences between conservatives and liberals

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others her age, she considered herself to be very liberal, and among other liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch conservative, a feeling she openly expressed. Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the rich and the need for more government programs.

The self-professed objectivity proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go out and party like other people she knew. She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, "How is your friend Audrey doing?"

She replied, "Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never studies and she barely has a 2.0 GPA. She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because she's too hung over."

Her wise father asked his daughter, "Why don't you go to the Dean's office and ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a 2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair and equal distribution of GPA."

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back, "That's a crazy idea, how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done next to nothing toward her degree. She played while I worked my tail off!"

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, "Welcome to the conservative side of the fence."

If you ever wondered what side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a conservative doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one. If a liberal doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat. If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation. A liberal wonders who is going to take care of him..

If a conservative doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels. Liberals demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church. A liberal non-believer wants any mention of God and Jesus silenced.

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.. A liberal demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh. A liberal will delete it because he's "offended.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 10, 2011, 10:34:55 PM

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.

They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pump’s haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, “Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.”

The other alien shouted to his comrade, “No, you must not anger him…” but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.

There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said “What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?”

The other alien answered, “If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy it’s if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, don’t screw with him.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 14, 2011, 11:15:12 AM

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...

"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious, grabs her purse

and storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 15, 2011, 02:33:07 PM

Postman Pat's Last Day:

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and
towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted
by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and
sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in
her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the
bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced. When they ;went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a
full English breakfast: Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly
squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee,
he noticed a quid coin in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but
what's the quid for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband
that today would be your last day and that we should do something
special for you'. 'I asked him what I should give you'.

He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 15, 2011, 07:51:14 PM

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
>
> The town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. They
> brought the cow from Scotland. It was wonderful, produced lots of milk
> every day and everyone was happy.
>
> They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never
> have to worry about their milk supply again.
>
> They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried
> to mount the cow, the cow would move away.
> No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the
> bull and he was never able to do the deed.
>
> The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very
> wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
>
> "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
> approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from
> the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away
> to the other side."
>
> The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did
> you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
>
> The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had
> brought the cow over from Scotland. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
> "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
>
> The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland."
>
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 19, 2011, 09:22:19 AM

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide.

The bartender looks at the man and says, “You ain’t from ‘round here are ya?’

“No,” replies the man, “I’m from Massachusetts.”

The bartender looks at him and says, “Well, what do ya do in Massachusetts?”

“I’m a taxidermist,” said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?”

“The man says, “I mount animals.”

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar...”It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 20, 2011, 08:02:54 PM

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community..

After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during s & x and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.

So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding, with a big towel. This would cool her down and make her relax.

So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having s & x. This, the Vet said,would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.

After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the

young man have s & x with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours.

When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: 'And that, me son, is how ya wave a fookin' towel!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 21, 2011, 08:40:09 PM

Where did “piss poor” come from ?

We older people need to learn something new every day...

Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting History.

They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot.

And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the tannery...

if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot...

They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of the low.

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500's

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May,

And they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water,

Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children.

Last of all the babies.

By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs." There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings

Could mess up your nice clean bed.

Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.

As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire.

Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.

Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.

Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old”. Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests

And would all sit around and chew the fat.

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status.

Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,

and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom; “of holding a wake”.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people.

So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave..

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive.

So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell.

Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, “saved by the bell” or was "considered a dead ringer”.

And that's the truth.

Now, whoever said History was boring!!! So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

Share these facts with a friend. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

'What the heck happened?'

We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

Then we'll be new friends.

Smile, it gives your face something to do!

Soon we'll all be Piss Poor

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 21, 2011, 08:42:22 PM

If “password” is your password, chances are you’ve been the victim of a hack attack.

“Password” is the least successful, according to SplashData’s annual list of worst Internet passwords.

The list, notes Mashable.com, is somewhat predictable. Sequences of adjacent numbers or letters on the keyboard, such as “qwerty” and “123456,” and popular names, such as “ashley” and “michael,” all are common choices. Other common choices, such as “monkey” and “shadow,” are harder to explain.

As some websites have begun to require passwords to include both numbers and letters, it makes sense varied choices, such as “abc123″ and “trustno1,” have become popular choices.

SplashData created the rankings based on millions of stolen passwords posted online by hackers. Here is the complete list:

1. password
2. 123456
3.12345678
4. qwerty
5. abc123
6. monkey
7. 1234567
8. letmein
9. trustno1
10. dragon
11. baseball
12. 111111
13. iloveyou
14. master
15. sunshine
16. ashley
17. bailey
18. passw0rd
19. shadow
20. 123123
21. 654321
22. superman
23. qazwsx
24. michael
25. football

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 21, 2011, 09:40:01 PM

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers.....

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
**************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'
****************************************************************************************************
>From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm f...ing bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'
****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'
****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

I thought these were very good....
****************************************************************************************************
Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... We've already notified our caterers.'
*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.'
Ground round (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'
*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 21, 2011, 09:44:11 PM

Mechanic vs. Pilot
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right..

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on November 22, 2011, 07:06:18 AM

Good one TBWG. Really liked the ATC one...passed it to some of fellow workers. Make sure to read newspaper tomorrow to hear about some incidents in Australian air space....LOL

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 23, 2011, 03:02:58 PM

A plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the copilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!"

"No, no", the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah" That Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...doesn't matter, you're all alike."

There's a few minutes of silence....

"I no rike Jews." the copilot suddenly announces.

"Oh yeah, why not?" Asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic." says the co-pilot.

"What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain "It was an iceberg."

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , nomattah...all same

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on November 23, 2011, 03:52:58 PM

Good one TBWG :D
Makes several good points Cheeeerrzz
John T

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2011, 08:27:38 PM

A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2011, 08:34:54 PM

Five Catholics

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square, Rome.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room,

Everyone calls him 'Father'.” The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.

When he walks into a room, People call him 'Your Grace'. "The third Catholic gent says,"

My son is a Cardinal.When he enters a room, Everyone bows their head and says

'Your Eminence'. "The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope.

When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'. "Since the lone Catholic woman

was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well...?" She proudly replies,

"I have a daughter, Slim, Tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say,'My God!'"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2011, 08:58:31 PM

Hung Chow calls into work and says,
'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'
The boss says,
'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again and says,
'I do what you say and I feel great.. I be at work soon..........You got nice house!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Walter on November 30, 2011, 09:59:24 PM

Saw (heard ) this today...made me laugh. :laugh: ...Caution does contain swearwords smilenod

Audio: Horse Race
Getting married horse race. click here to listen (http://www.dirtybutton.com/audio/449-horse-race/)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 09, 2011, 09:44:30 PM

The Blind Cashier:
A woman goes into Cabala's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades. She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 09, 2011, 09:53:46 PM

A family is at the dinner able. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many
kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs:
In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions'.

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many
kinds of 'willies' are there?

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through
three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his
50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes - the tree is dead and the balls are just for decoration.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 10, 2011, 10:11:39 AM

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 10, 2011, 10:12:26 AM

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 12, 2011, 09:12:59 PM

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Vombatus on December 14, 2011, 09:20:21 PM

The wife was counting out all the 1 Baht's and 2 Baht's on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.

I thought to myself: "She's going through the change"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 14, 2011, 09:38:31 PM

For all Ryanair users....

Spare a thought for Michael O'Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be 1 Euro please, Mr O'Leary."

Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.

"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"

"That is remarkable value" Michael comments.

"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 Euro please."

O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 Euro. - You could have pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you 1 Euro."

"I think you may be too big for the seat sir; can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".

"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 Euro for your seat Sir"

O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 Euro."

O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".

"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 Euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.

"Do you know who I am?"

"Of course I do Mr O'Leary,"

"I've had enough. What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"

"Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 Cents per second".

"I will never use this bar again"

"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for 1 Euro".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 15, 2011, 08:50:44 AM

Two Scotsmen had been pals since childhood and had shared everything over the years. One day, Angus won a rare bottle of Scotch in a door prize.

Immediately, Jock says, "Open it up and we'll have a dram."

"Naw, ah'm goin' tae save it for a special occasion."

Birthdays came and went, his anniversaries came and went, but Jock could never get Angus to open the bottle.

Finally Angus had a heart attack, and was laying on his deathbed. He motioned for his old friend to come closer.

"Jock, remember that rare bottle of Scotch I won?"

"Aye, ah certainly do, Angus!"

"Weell, ah like ye tae do me a favor Jock, my dear friend."

"Aye, anything ye ask Angus."

"When ah'm dead, wid ye take that bottle an' open it up."

"Aye, Angus, then what?"

"Wid ye pour it over ma grave?"

"Pour it over yer grave? My god Angus. It's 40 year old Scotch! But I'll do it for ye."

"Oh, ye're a real pal Jock, and ah'll appreciate that."

Jock says, "There's just one thing Angus, wid ye mind if ah filter it through my kidneys first?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 15, 2011, 10:14:25 AM

Old Poems

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2011, 01:08:33 PM

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus, and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.

We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Mod on December 16, 2011, 04:43:26 PM

smilenod very true... thumbup

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 17, 2011, 09:05:11 PM

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a Huge stack of dirty dishes..

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation..

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word..

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted.....'I'll do the bloody dishes!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 17, 2011, 09:06:19 PM

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and some rather nice claret
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from! :) :)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 17, 2011, 09:09:03 PM

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least .....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 18, 2011, 07:17:48 PM

SMART ASS:

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them, They didn't get old by being stupid!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 18, 2011, 07:19:34 PM

2011's First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The man from England fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The man from wales reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Thomas on December 19, 2011, 06:30:20 AM

Always read your posts TBWG. Cheers

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2011, 08:08:58 PM

JEWISH DIVORCE

A Jewish daughter says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Irv."

All he Wants is sex, sex and more sex.

My vagina is now the size of a 50 pence piece

When it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."

Her mother says,

"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

You live in an 8 Bedroom mansion

You drive a £350,000 Ferrari,

You get £3,000 a week allowance,

You take 6 vacations a year and

You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 pence?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 26, 2011, 08:35:42 PM

If My Body Was a Car
scary how true it is!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ... but that's not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.
My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..
My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.
It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.
But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 28, 2011, 10:30:39 AM

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very high class neighborhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses.

He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".

He leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby,"That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"

"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 28, 2011, 11:25:33 AM

Two Coffees in Heaven!

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
Barrack Obama meets a man with a beard.

'Are you Mohamed?' he asks.
'No my son, I am St. Peter; Mohamed is higher up.' Peter then points to a
ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohamed should be higher than St. Peter, Obama climbs the
ladder in great strides, climbs up through the clouds and comes into a room
where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'
'Why no,' he answers, 'I am Moses; Mohamed is higher still.'

Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he climbs the ladder yet again.

He discovers a larger room where he meets an angelic looking man
with a beard. Full of hope, he asks again, 'Are you Mohamed?'

'No, I am Jesus, the Christ; you will find Mohamed higher up.'

Mohamed higher than Jesus!
Man, oh man! Obama can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs ever
higher.

Once again, he reaches an even larger room where he meets this truly
magnificent looking man with a silver white beard and once again repeats his
question:

'Are you Mohamed?' he gasps as he is by now, totally out of breath from all
his climbing.

'No, my son, I am Almighty God, the Alpha and the Omega, but you look
exhausted. Would you like a cup of coffee?'

Obama says, 'Yes please!'
As God looks behind him, he claps his hands and yells out: 'Hey, Mohamed,
two coffees!'

Keep your trust in God;

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 31, 2011, 07:53:36 PM

A guy having ordered 12 straight shots - to be delivered all at once.
Barkeep axes "what's the special occasion?" and the guy replies, "It was my first BJ"

The bartender tells him, "Well, let me give you a thirteenth on the house", but the guy declines, by way of "Nah - if 12 don't get rid of the taste, another won't make any difference".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 31, 2011, 07:59:54 PM

Dieting - New Year Resolutions

2008: I will get my weight down below 180 pounds.

2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.

2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight. 2011: I will work out 3 days a week.

2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 31, 2011, 08:06:31 PM

A man goes into a bar and asks for 2 double martinis. "Wow," the bartender says, "it's only 2:00. You must have had a really bad day."

"Yeah," the man replies. "First I had an accident on the way to work that made me 2 hours late for a meeting with an important client. Then my boss fired me for being late. So I went home and found my wife in bed with my best friend. I told her I was leaving her, packed my bags, and came here."

"That is pretty bad," says the bartender. "What did you say to your best friend?"

"Bad dog!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 02, 2012, 09:39:51 PM

Why we are in DEEP trouble...

The population of the UK is

Approximately 60 million.

32 million are retired.

That leaves 28 million to do the work.

There are 17 million in school or at Universities.

Which leaves 11 million to do the work.

Of this there are 8 million employed by the UK government.

Leaving 3 million to do the work.

1.2 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden, and fighting in Afghanistan .

Which leaves 1.8 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 0.8 million people who work for Local County Councils. And that leaves 1 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 488,000 people in hospitals or claiming Invalidity Benefit.

Leaving 512,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 511,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Is it any wonder that we are in such a mess and that I am stressed out through trying to cope on my own?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 04, 2012, 08:07:01 PM

The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer last night ...

I told her I was looking for cheap flights ...

"I love you!" she cried, then got all excited, unzipped my trousers and we had the most amazing sex ever!

Strange that - she's never shown any interest in darts before!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 05, 2012, 09:12:00 AM

A man walked into a bar at 7 am and said "Give me a double scotch".

The bartender looked at him saying, "That's pretty strong for the top of the morning."

'Well", the guy replied, "I just had my first blowjob."

The Bartenter said "In that case let me make it a triple."

The guy thought as said, "Naw, if a double won't clear the taste neither will a triple."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Tonyc on January 05, 2012, 07:00:06 PM

Quote from: urleft on January 05, 2012, 09:12:00 AM

A man walked into a bar at 7 am and said "Give me a double scotch".

The bartender looked at him saying, "That's pretty strong for the top of the morning."

'Well", the guy replied, "I just had my first blowjob."

The Bartenter said "In that case let me make it a triple."

The guy thought as said, "Naw, if a double won't clear the taste neither will a triple."

Nookie recommends Chang Export smilebar

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 06, 2012, 08:22:04 AM

> Five Rules to Remember in Life
> 1. Money cannot buy happiness but its more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
> 2. Forgive your enemy but remember the bastards name.
> 3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
> 4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.
> 5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 06, 2012, 10:40:07 AM

Quasimodo wanted to go on vacation, but he needed someone to take over ringing the Cathedral Bell, so he put an advertisement in the paper. The next day a just before noon an armless dwarf shows up wanting the job.

Quasimodo asked if the guy could really do the job, to which the dwarf affirmed he could.

“Well, it’s noon, go ahead and ring the bell.”

The dwarf took a few steps back and ran full speed, face first into the bell. The bell rang loudly surprising Quasimodo. The dwarf continued to run face first to ring the bell. However, after the seventh ring, the dwarf got wobbly. And got worse for the next few rings until he started for the tenth ring and completely missed his run at the bell causing him to fly out of the bell tower and fall to the ground.

Quasimodo hurried to the ground where the local constable was already on the scene standing over the dead dwarf.

“Do you know who he was?” Asked the constable.

To which Quasimodo replied, “No, but his face rings a bell.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 06, 2012, 10:41:23 AM

However, Quasimodo still needed a temporary replacement, so he kept the advertisement in the paper. Just before noon, another armless dwarf can to apply for the job.

“You look just like the guy from yesterday.” Stated Quasimodo.

“Yes, he was my brother.” Replied the dwarf.

“Well, it is noon, let’s see you ring the bell.”

The dwarf did the same as the one before running face first into the bell, and causing it ring. He continued, got wobbly, and as with his twin, missed the bell and ran out of the bell tower opening.

Quasimodo hurried downstairs and encountered the same constable standing over the dwarf. “I don’t suppose you know who this guy is either?”

“No,” replied Quasimodo, “but he is a dead ringer for his brother.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 06, 2012, 11:29:44 AM

It was a long few days for Quasimodo and he was glad to get home. When he opened the door he saw his wife had the Wok out.

"We having Chineese food tonight?" He asked.

She replied, "No, I am ironing your shirts."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 06, 2012, 12:26:23 PM

saw this on-line, thought some others here might have better in-sight:

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when West Brom win the premier league."

"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 08, 2012, 03:37:27 PM

WOMEN

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him
after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though, he's the most
handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whiskey. It's whiskey that does all that shit.

Never mind

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 10, 2012, 08:19:34 PM

A man walks into a cocktail lounge and approaches a French woman sitting by herself and asks, "May I buy you a cocktail?"

"No thank you," the women replies, "alcohol is bad for my legs."

"Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"

"No, they spread."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 10, 2012, 08:23:28 PM

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynacologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it.....
" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the

"GOVERNMENT" This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 10, 2012, 08:25:15 PM

The Italian Lover

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.
The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping, turns his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blond, whispers in his ear, "No, I Norwegian".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 11, 2012, 12:59:19 PM

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed
a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his
paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding
salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how
much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the synagogue, and
how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his
chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God and we will take as
many gifts as He gives us.'

Silence fell on the congregation. In the back of the shul, little old
Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice,
'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear
rubbers.

The entire congregation said, AMEN

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 12, 2012, 08:17:18 PM

If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let's all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.

Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC

Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LO

No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her shit.

Men ' s Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC

=0 A
It's hard to make a comeback
When you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT

If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
Revolution Books
New York , New York .

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC

Express Lane:
Five beers or less.

Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ

You're too good for him..

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA

~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You're going to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
0A

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE
FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started
doing
The same thing to them at funerals..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 13, 2012, 08:57:53 PM

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 13, 2012, 08:58:59 PM

10 years ago Bob Hope died

5 years ago Johnny Cash died

A couple of months ago Steve Jobs died

A few weeks ago Jimmy Saville died

Now we have no Hope, no Cash, no Jobs and nobody left to Fix It

Let's hope nothing happens to Ed Balls!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 13, 2012, 09:08:48 PM

Courtesy of John the Traveller!

> After making love...The Italian says :
> 'When I've a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down an
>> gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches above a da bed
>> in ecstasy'.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The Frenchman replies:
>> 'Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making ze love with ze
>> girlfriend,
>> Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick zer soles of her feet
>> wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy'.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> The Aussie says:
>> 'Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin me missus, I get out
>> of bed, walk over to the window and wipe my willy on the curtains.
>> And MATE ......
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> She hits the f*****n' roof.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 14, 2012, 03:02:56 PM

THE PROMISED LAND

Over five thousand years ago Moses said to the children of Israel "pick up your
shovel, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the promised land."
Nearly 50 years ago, Harold Wilson said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your
asses, and light up a camel, this is the promised land."
Then Gordon Brown stole your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of
camels, and mortgaged the promised land.

Now David Cameron has loaned my shovel to a third World country, (he hasn't
realised yet that WE are now a third World country), raised my fuel bills, lent
my money to a crowd of incompetent, greedy "merchant bankers" and increased Vat
to 20%.

I am so depressed last night I called the Samaritans, they diverted my call to a
call centre in Pakistan . I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and
asked if I could drive a truck.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2012, 07:08:22 PM

NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND!

A woman was in a coma and had been for some months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.

One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and told him what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'Oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma'

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart beat.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.

The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked!?'

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER ASSUME THAT MEN UNDERSTAND.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 15, 2012, 07:26:25 PM

There's been a murder,
a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub,
partially filled.

A pair of policemen
went into the house
and thoroughly questioned
the poor woman's spouse.

He'd just come home
from working all night
and found her like that,
a terrible sight.

The younger policeman
looked on with dismay.
He'd never forget
that terrible day.

He saw the young woman
from behind the door
and empty milk cartons
all over the floor,

scattered strawberries,
slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar
and honey to boot.

"Who could have done
this terrible thing?"
His voice had a horrified,
pitiful ring.

"Just look at the clues,"
replied Sargeant Miller.
"It looks like the work
of a Cereal Killer."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 20, 2012, 08:29:03 AM

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and see three people waiting for the bus:

1 An old lady who looks as if she is about to die

2 An old friend who once saved your life

3 The perfect partner you have been dreaming about and haven’t seen for years.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is amoral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE THIS ……………

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box”.

HOWEVER …. The correct answer is run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because NHS won’t now pay for her hospital visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I just love happy endings!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 20, 2012, 08:21:50 PM

Woman - "Can I drive?"

Man - "No, I'm fine."

Woman - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"

Man - "No!"

Woman - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, I'll give you a blow job."

Man - "Really?"

Woman - "Promise!"

Man - "Oh go on then..."

"And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Cruise Liner Costa Concordia."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 20, 2012, 08:26:30 PM

1981 & 2005 - Two Interesting Years
Interesting Year 1981
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Interesting Year 2005
1. Prince Charles got married.
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe.
3. Australia lost the Ashes.
4. The Pope died.

Lesson to be learned:
The next time Charles gets married, someone should warn the Pope.

KEEP READING.......................................

REMEMBER WHEN:
All the girls had ugly gym slips

It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny

Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces

All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels

You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant
With your parents

They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school year. . .. And
They did!

When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car,
In the ignition, and the doors were never locked

Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?

Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game

Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals
Because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger

And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time
And savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home

Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc.Our parents and grandparents werea much bigger threat!But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating and visits
To the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?

I am sharing this with you today because it ended with a Double Dare to pass it on. To remember what a Double Dare is, read on, and remember that the perfect age is somewhere between old enough to know better and too young to care.

Send this on to someone who can stillremember the Lone Ranger and Sgt Bilko

How Many Of These Do You Remember?

Blackjacks and bubble gums.

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops

Hi-FI's & 45 RPM records.

78 RPM records!

Adding Machines.

Scalextric.

Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?

It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was'chickenpox'?

Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a Catapult ?

(we used unwind the core of Golf balls for the elastic!)

War was a card game?

Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?

Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 23, 2012, 05:31:27 PM

At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool sat a scouser. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the Scouser.

Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

At this, the Scouser leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him swiftly off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.

Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the Scouser, and said, "I've never seen you react like that.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," the Scouser replied.. "Something about a job."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on January 24, 2012, 05:48:56 AM

Quote from: TBWG on January 20, 2012, 08:26:30 PM

Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops

<And, I would run to be the 1st one to open the bottle to lick the butter off of tinfoil cap>

Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

<Or, filled condoms which were hard to get as nobody dared to ask the chemist for a pack....LOL>

Oh!!! stop teasing TBWG. Reminds me of good ole' days.....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 26, 2012, 08:59:12 PM

My nine-year-old son told me a girl at school was yelling at him and he just sat there wondering what he did wrong.

I think he's ready for marriage.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 08:40:34 PM

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Brilliant !!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 08:57:54 PM

CALORIES BURNED DURING SEX

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent.................................12 Calories

Without her consent...........................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................. 8 Calories

With one hand....................................12 Calories

With your teeth.................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection..................................6 Calories

Without an erection...........................3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary...................................12 Calories

69 lying down...............................78 Calories

69 standing up..............................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow................................216 Calories

Doggy Style..................................326 Calories

Italian Chandelier..........................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real........................................112 Calories

Fake..........................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging.............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately...816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

18-29 years......................................36 Calories

30-39 years......................................80 Calories

40-49 years.....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1,972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7,916 Calories

70 and over........................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS

Calmly..........................................32 Calories

In a hurry.......................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door..........5,218 Calories

With her husband knocking at the door......8,775 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 08:59:39 PM

Google it - this is absolutely true!

In the sleepy village of Erbum , in the town of Tillet , Hertfordshire lives a lady by the name Linda Lykes. She owns the local pub called The Cock Inn. Her mail is addressed:

Linda Lykes
The Cock Inn
ERBUM
Tillet, Herts.

The Postie still laughs with every delivery

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 09:03:35 PM

My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 09:11:43 PM

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in both eyes is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about managing to save his testicles!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2012, 09:22:08 PM

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but
prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need
arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so,
the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type.
The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation
for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through
a corrective surgery.

His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to
donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a
thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his
kind gesture as he had anticipated.

He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous
again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only
gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street ."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish
blood in ma veins".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2012, 09:59:30 PM

How the Irish intend to solve the current banking crisis.

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for €100. The farmer agreed to deliver it the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry Paddy, but I have some bad news.

The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'

Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at €2 each and made a profit of €898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said,

'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his €2 back.'

Paddy now works for the Bank of Ireland.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2012, 10:04:01 PM

Dear Employees
>
> It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
> throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
> of normal conversation with their colleagues.
>
> Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
> offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
>
> We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
> accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
>
> Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has
> been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
> continue in an effective manner.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> 1.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I think you could do with more training
>
> Instead Of:
>
> You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?
>
>
> 2.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> She's an aggressive go-getter
>
> Instead Of:
>
> She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch
>
>
> 3.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Perhaps I can work late
>
> Instead Of:
>
> And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?
>
>
> 4.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I'm certain that isn't feasible
>
> Instead Of:
>
> F*** off a*se-hole
>
>
> 5.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Really?
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole
>
>
> 6.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Perhaps you should check with..
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Tell someone who gives a f***.
>
>
> 7.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I wasn't involved in the project.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Not my f***ing problem.
>
>
> 8.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> That's interesting.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> What the f***?
>
>
> 9.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> I'm not sure this can be implemented
> Within the given timescale.
>
> Instead Of:
>
> No f***ing chance mate.
>
>
> 10.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?
>
>
> 11.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> He's not familiar with the issues
>
> Instead Of:
>
> He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.
>
>
> 12.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Excuse me, sir?
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Oi, f*** face.
>
>
> 13.
>
> Try Saying:
>
> Of course, I was only going
> To be at home anyway
>
> Instead Of:
>
> Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Mungbar on February 03, 2012, 10:14:16 PM

Nice one thumbup thumbup thumbup thumbup

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2012, 09:04:49 PM

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved".
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance".

The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards".

They don't have any other levels.

This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".

The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".

Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs".

They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy..
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies "just in case".

Canada doesn't have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA". Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, mate".

Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"

and

"The barbie is cancelled".

So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2012, 09:07:54 PM

Medical marvel......

A Pakistani immigrant goes to a Doctor and says "I feel terrible".

The Doctor says "You need to pee and poop in a bucket for a week,
throw in a dead fish and a rotting cabbage. Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for 3 days".

The man does this and goes back to the Doctor and says "I feel wonderful!! What was wrong with me?"

"You were homesick".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2012, 09:37:41 PM

An Indian gentleman goes to announce the death of his wife in the obituary column of the local paper.

They inform him that it will cost him a £1 a word to do this, unfortunately, he only has £4 on him so he says that the advert should read:

“ Sanjit Patel is dead”

at this the local paper take pity on him and advise him that he can have another 4 words for free.

So he thanks them politely and says:

OK then please print “ Sanjit Patel is dead, Nissan Micra for sale”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 05, 2012, 09:46:27 AM

THE TAX SYSTEM EXPLAINED IN BEER

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing
The fifth would pay $1
The sixth would pay $3
The seventh would pay $7
The eighth would pay $12
The ninth would pay $18
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve ball. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20”. Drinks for the ten men would now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men ? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody’s share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage the poorer he was, to allow the principle of the tax system they had been using, and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% saving).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% saving).

The seventh now paid $5 instead of $7 (28% saving).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% saving).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% saving).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% saving).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare theirsavings.

“I only got a dollar out of the $20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got $10!”

“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a dollar too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”

“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get $10 back, when I got only $2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”

“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!”

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn’t have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In
fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Professor of Economics.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.
For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 05, 2012, 02:41:47 PM

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
And
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
And
It's all organized by the Italians

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 05, 2012, 08:32:19 PM

An Irishman goes back to his Doctor and tells him the laxatives he was given did not help his constipation.

The Doctor says OK I'll give you some suppositries and that should move you.

A week later the Irishman goes back and tells the Doc "these suppositries had a terrible taste and for all the good they did me i might as well have stuck them up my arse."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 09, 2012, 08:24:36 PM

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men
by greeting them at the door

Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We
agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend :

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black
leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.

He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.

I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing
a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and

Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word,
but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,

Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.

When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(You'll love this)

"What's for dinner, Zorro ?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 09, 2012, 08:32:06 PM

Jones and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Jones says, 'Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner.' She's out there five minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, 'How much?' She says, 'A hundred dollars'. He says, 'Shit. All I've got is thirty'. She says, 'Hold on.' She runs back to Jones and says, 'What can he get for thirty dollars?' Jones says, 'A hand job'. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a hand job. He says, 'Okay'.
She gets in the car; he unzips his pants and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says,
'I'll be right back.' She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly,
'Jones can you please lend this guy seventy bucks?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2012, 09:16:20 AM

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio

1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'

2. New ZealandRugbyCommentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'

5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god !! What have I just said??'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2012, 09:16:55 AM

BRITAIN'S NEW NAVY!

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers.
Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS
Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure
from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence.
The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS
Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st
century and comply with the very latest employment, equality,
health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with
wheelchair access.

Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce
the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number
of compensation claims.

Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day
and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in
accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
gender, sexuality and disability.

Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in
line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All
the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and
nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager
to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash";
so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced
by sparkling water.

Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include
all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on
request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of
flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist
and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All
information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different
languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be
required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches - this
applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the
White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The
Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned
soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She
will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People.

Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal
immigrants across the channel to ports on England's south
coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest
in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to
comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2012, 09:18:05 AM

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'exotic' pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs. The sign says: 'SEX FROGS' Only $20 each! Come with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter "I'll TAKE one!" As the man packages the frog, he quietly says to her "Just follow the instructions!" The blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions and reads them very carefully and does EXACTLY what is specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise. NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says 'If you have any problems or questions... Please call the pet store. So, she does. The man says "I'll be right over".

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says "See, I've done everything according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!" The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and STERNLY says: 'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE MORE TIME...'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2012, 09:21:47 AM

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 11, 2012, 04:03:37 PM

Ifyou yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb..
(Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out of the body to
squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig..)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its
body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the
length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.... ...)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed
people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light..
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig?? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 11, 2012, 04:08:02 PM

New definition for S.O.S.

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!'
and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb..
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.
The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and
then the C-130 pilot came back on and said:
'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled.
'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back,
took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.'

When you are young & foolish -
speed & flash may seem a good thing!

When you get older & smarter -
comfort & dull is not such a bad thing!

Older folks understand this one, it's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2012, 04:34:39 PM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob," where a small
knob is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten
up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects
were wonderful; she remained young looking and vibrant. After
fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
"All these years, everything has been working just fine.
I've had to turn the knob and I've always loved the results.
But now I've developed two annoying points, firstly
I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid
of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are
your breasts."
She said, "Ahh.......No point asking about the beard then..........."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2012, 04:36:12 PM

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2012, 04:36:50 PM

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, an avid golfer named Walter Barnes, who attended church only when the weather was bad.

"Mr. Barnes, it's obviously not a good morning for golf. It's good to see you here today. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,

"I outlived the bastards."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on February 12, 2012, 04:45:49 PM

Quote from: TBWG on February 12, 2012, 04:36:12 PM

How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? - On the rocks

What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? - Leeks

What's the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? - Follow the captain

When the captain of the ill fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied "off course."

So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That's more than can be said for his ship.

What's the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia? Nothing - The bottoms dropped out of both.

Is bottom falling off any different from front falling off?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m5qxZm_JqM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on February 12, 2012, 04:50:23 PM

Front fell off

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m5qxZm_JqM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 13, 2012, 08:06:15 AM

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 13, 2012, 09:33:25 PM

Armed police are involved in a stand-off with a man who was acting suspiciously in a Glasgow restaurant.

He was sober.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 15, 2012, 08:23:58 PM

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must
tell you all something. Wehave a case of gonorrhea in the
convent.'THANK God,' said an elderly nun at the back.'I'm so tired of
chardonay.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 17, 2012, 10:57:39 PM

SPEEDING TICKET...
Getting out of a Ticket

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend,” said the officer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 17, 2012, 10:59:10 PM

THINGS SOUTHERN BOYS DON’T SAY...

31. When I retire, I’m movin’ north.

30. Oh I just couldn’t, she’s only sixteen.

29. I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.

28. Duct tape won’t fix that.

27. Come to think of it, I’ll have a Heineken

26. We don’t keep firearms in this house.

25. You can’t feed that to the dog.

24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.

23. Wrestling is fake.

22. We’re vegetarians.

21. Do you think my gut is too big?

20. I’ll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.

19. Honey, we don’t need another dog.

18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?

17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.

16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.

15. I just couldn’t find a thing at Wal-Mart today.

14. Trim the fat off that steak.

13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.

12. The tires on that truck are too big.

11. I’ve got it all on the C: DRIVE.

10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.

9. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany’s.

8. I’ve got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.

7. Checkmate

6. She’s too young to be wearing a bikini.

5. Hey, here’s an episode of “Hee Haw” that we haven’t seen.

4. I don’t have a favorite college team.

3. You Guys.

2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I’m driving a whole bus load of us down to re-elect OBAMA!

Title: The Regiment
Post by: John the Traveller on February 18, 2012, 04:52:55 AM

A Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.

Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana,
unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.

The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.

"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.

"Six pence" says the chemist.

"How much for a new one?"

"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandana, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.

A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.

The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.

"The regiment has taken a vote," he says. We'll have a new one."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2012, 02:52:26 PM

the cremated husband......

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the
insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the
insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in
the ashes she said, "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it
too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember
that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2012, 02:54:20 PM

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading

when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question....
>
> WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
>
> WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Of course I do..."
>
> WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
>
> HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
>
> WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
>
> HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
>
> WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.."
>
> WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
>
> WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
>
> HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new.."
>
> WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
>
> HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
>
> WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
>
> HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
>
> WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
>
> HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
>
> WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
>
> HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
>
> WIFE: -- silence --
>
> HUSBAND: "SHIT."
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2012, 02:56:01 PM

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am...?

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?’

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'

'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

After a moment of silence...he farted.

The End

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2012, 02:57:27 PM

When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this
out:

Stop at your pharmacy

and
go to the thermometer section and

purchase
a rectal thermometer made

by
Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this
brand.

When
you get home, lock your doors,

draw
the curtains and disconnect the phone
so
you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable clothing and sit
in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the
thermometer.

Now,
carefully place it on a table or a surface
so
that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now
the fun part begins.

Take
out the literature from the box and read it
carefully.

You
will notice that in small print there is a
statement:

"Every
Rectal
Thermometer
made by Johnson & Johnson
is
personally tested

and then
sanitized."
Now,
close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in
the thermometer quality control department at

Johnson
& Johnson.'

HAVE
A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE
OF A PAIN IN THE ASS THAN YOURS!

Remember,
if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your
heart....

Maybe
you should go and work for Johnson and Johnson!

Enjoy life now - It has an expiration date!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 18, 2012, 05:02:22 PM

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked,
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied...
‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old :
‘And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?’ the reporter asked..
Answer: No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I’ve sure gotten old!
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license..

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor’s permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
Told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed.
‘Why Wal-Mart?’
‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.’

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker..

These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
‘For fast relief.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 18, 2012, 05:09:35 PM

As You Slide Down the Bannister of Life in 2012— Remember.....

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book.

It’s called ....... ‘Ministers Do More Than Lay People’

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice,
well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes. Now, of course, there’s shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. Definition of a teenager? God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

11. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way...

12. POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 19, 2012, 08:56:28 PM

CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE ....... JUST PRICELESS

Reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle U.K. recently:
Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless. And so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!

A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her in October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then in December added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.

A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you that my grandma died in September.'

MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and so the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to your collections section.'

MBNA: ‘Since it is two months over due, it already has been.'

Family Member: ‘So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

MBNA: 'Either report her account to the Frauds Department or report her to The Credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

MBNA: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you . . The part about her being dead?'

MBNA: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA: 'But the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

MBNA: (Stammer) 'Are you her solicitor?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her grandson'

MBNA: 'Could you fax us a death certificate?'

Family Member: 'Sure.'

( fax number is given )

After they get the fax:

MBNA: 'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'

MBNA: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.'

Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?'

MBNA: 'That would help.'

Family Member: ' Plot 1049.' Heaton Cemetary, Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne

MBNA: 'But, that's a cemetery!'

Family Member: 'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'

The MBNA were not available for comment when a reporter from the Newcastle Evening Chronicle rang them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 22, 2012, 09:39:32 PM

The Aussie Version of Creation

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach.....

And BBQ's......

He created night for going prawning, sleeping and BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water....

for surfing,

and BBQ's on the beach,
and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good..

On the Fourth Day God created animals

steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke

to make use of all these wondrous creations -

go to the footy, enjoy the beach,

drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke

was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy,

surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, y were good Blokes,

and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the

twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans

and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes.

He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and

sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .. ...

Well.... Almost good.....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired

to clean up and needed a rest.
So God created Sheilas to clean the house,

to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie,

and then God saw that it was not just good.....

...........It was better than that..............................................

...............it was BLOODY AWESOME...!!!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA.....!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 22, 2012, 10:15:40 PM

Subject: Interesting facts on investments.
If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have £49.00 today

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have £0.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years ago, you would have £0.00 today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at Tescos, drank all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the scrap metal dealer, you would have received a £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle.
And then..........................

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 25, 2012, 09:06:41 PM

You think you have lived to be 83 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all away!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, ‘Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans.... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but ............I just found out I'm a lesbian."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 25, 2012, 09:33:43 PM

A 75 Year Old Lady rings her local NHS hospital and this conversation follows:

'Hello I'd like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree. She was admitted last week with chest pains and I just want to know if her condition has deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'Do you know which ward she is in?'

'Yes, ward P, room 2B'

'I'll just put you through to the nurse station.'

'Hello, ward P, how can I help?'

'I would just like some information on a patient, Mrs Tiptree, I was wondering if her condition had deteriorated, stabilised or improved?'

'I'll just check her notes. I'm pleased to say that Mrs Tiptree's condition has improved. She has regained her appetite, her temperature has steadied and after some routine checks tonight, she should be well enough to go home tomorrow.'

'Oh that's wonderful news, I'm so happy, thank you ever so much!'

'You seem very relieved, are you a close friend or relative?'

'No, I'm Mrs Tiptree in room 2b. Nobody tells you f**k all in here

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 28, 2012, 06:47:42 PM

Pastor and His Ass
The Pastor entered his donkey in a
race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the
donkey that he entered it in the race
again and it won again.

The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor
not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have
to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey
and lead it to the plains where it could
run wild.

The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . .
even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 28, 2012, 08:04:47 PM

At last a British version !!

I THINK THIS PERSON HAS IT ALL COVERED. I COULDN'T SPOT
ANYTHING HE/SHE LEFT OUT.

I am the political Parties' Worst Nightmare.
I am a White, Conservative, Tax-Paying, BRIT ......
I am hard working and l work long hours to earn a living.

I believe in the freedom of religion, but I don't push my beliefs on others...

I believe the money I make belongs to me and not some bloody governmental functionary, Labour/Greens or Liberal, that wants to share it with others who don't work!

I'm in touch with my feelings and I like it that way!

I think owning a home doesn't make you a capitalist; it makes you a smart BRIT.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything. Get over it!

I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac or any other item, you should do it in English.

I believe there should be no other language option.

I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.

I don't hate the rich, but hate the way they are always finding ways to pay less taxes.
I don't pity the poor, I hate the way they are always crying that they are hard done by!!

I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time watching or arguing about it.

I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks, and neither have you!

I believe if you don't like the way things are here, go back to where you came from and change your own country!

This is BRITAIN .....We like it the way it is and more so the way it was ....so stop trying to change it to look like USA , India , Africa, Pakistan , Iraq , Russia or China , or some socialist country!

If you were born or legally migrated here and don't like it... You are free to move to any Socialist country that will have you. (and take Clegg, his dick head group and the Greens with you.)
I believe it is time to really clean house, starting with the Houses of Parliament, the seat of our biggest problems.

I want to know exactly, where the "Do Gooder's " get their money from, and why are they always part of the problem and not the solution?

Can I get an AMEN on that one?

I also think the cops have the right to pull you over if you're breaking the law, regardless of what race, colour or creed you are, but not just because you happen to be an illegal alien and scream that they are "RACISTS PIGS"
.
And, no, I don't mind having my face shown on my driver's licence. I think it's good....
I hope you are not too stupid to claim to know how our electoral ballot system works, the Politician's don't, so what hope have we??

I dislike those people standing in the intersections trying to sell me stuff or trying to guilt me into making 'donations' to their cause.... Get a job and do your part to support yourself and your family!

I believe that it doesn't take all the intellectuals to raise a child, it takes two parents....

I believe 'illegal' is illegal no matter what the lawyers think!

I believe the Union Jack flag should be the only one allowed to be flown in Great Britain !

If this makes me a BAD BRIT, then yes, I'm a BAD BRIT
If you are a BAD BRIT, please forward this to everyone you know.....

We want our country back!
My Country.....
I hope this offends all illegal aliens.

My great, great, great grandfather watched as his friends died in the Boer War.
My grandfather watched and bled as his friends died in the World Wars 1&2
My grandfather watched as his friends & brothers died in the Depression of 32.
Our son's and daughters watched & bled as their friends died in Afghanistan and Iraq .. None of them died for the Afghanistan and Iraq Flag. Every BRIT died for our flag.
Our young men are getting killed in Afghanistan whilst their young men run away, and get on a boat for BRITAIN , taking the place of genuine refugees!

At a well known University foreign students raised a Middle East flag on a flag pole, BRITISH students took it down. Guess who was expelled...the students who took it down.

Enough is enough

This message needs to be viewed by every BRIT; and every BRIT needs to stand up for BRITAIN ..

We've bent over to appease the Brit-haters long enough. I'm taking a stand.

I'm standing up because of the hundreds of thousands who died fighting in wars for this country, and for the BRITISH flag.

If you agree, stand up with me. If you disagree, please let me know. I will gladly remove you from my e-mail list.

And shame on anyone who tries to make this a racist message.

BRITS, stop giving away Your RIGHTS !

Let me make this clear! THIS IS OUR COUNTRY !

This statement DOES NOT mean I'm against immigration !

YOU ARE WELCOME HERE, IN MY COUNTRY, welcome to come legally:

1. Get a sponsor !
2. Learn the LANGUAGE, as immigrants have in the past !
3. Live by OUR rules ! Dress as we ,BRITS do.
4. Get a job !
5. Pay YOUR Taxes !
6. No Social Security until you have earned it and Paid for it !
7. NOW find a place to lay your head !

If you don't want to forward this for fear of offending someone, then YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM !

We've gone so far the other way . . . bent over backwards not to offend anyone

Only BRITS seems to care when BRITISH Citizens are being offended !

WAKE UP BRITAIN/ENGLAND ! ! !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 28, 2012, 08:05:40 PM

The female dentist prepares the needle to give the man with toothache an anaesthetic injection.

“No way! No needles, I hate needles!”
the guy said.

So the dentist starts to hook up her nitrous oxide gas and the man objects again.

“I can't do the gas thing either.
The thought of having the gas mask on my face makes me faint!”

She then asks the guy if he has any objection to taking a pill.

“No objection,” the patient says.
“'I'm fine with pills.”

When she returns she says, “Here's a Viagra and a glass of water.”

The guy says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer?”

“It doesn't” she said,
“But it’ll give you something to hold on to while I pull your tooth out!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 28, 2012, 08:35:25 PM

Ever wondered what the difference between Grannies and Grandads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.

When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:
"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 01, 2012, 09:34:53 PM

Italian Bank Robbery

A hooded armed robber bursts into the Bank of Italy and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off, revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy dead without hesitation!

He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him. He sees one of the tellers looking straight at him; the robber walks over and calmly shoots him dead.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

"Dida anyone elsa see a my face?" calls the robber.

There follows a tense minute of silence.

Then an elderly Italian gentleman, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I tinka my wife caught a glimpse"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 01, 2012, 09:51:35 PM

> I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...

> A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving
> at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't
> place where he knows her from.

> So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're
> the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the
> only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you
> the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool
> table with all my buddies watching?? She looks into his eyes and
> says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 02, 2012, 08:46:57 AM

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
> pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,
>
> "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
>
> The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
>
> The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
>
> The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't giveyou cyanide
> to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license!
> They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds ofbad things will happen.
> Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
>
> The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of herhusband in
> bed with the pharmacist's wife.
>
> The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had
> a prescription."
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 02, 2012, 09:55:05 AM

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 03, 2012, 09:46:07 AM

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring.

He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the “No Bell Piece Prize,” but they also awarded him the “Pulletsurprise” as well.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 03, 2012, 09:16:35 PM

most women would be estatic to be woken up on their birthday

with flowers ,a nice breakfast in bed ,and 20 minutes amazing oral sex

but oh no not my sister

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 04, 2012, 11:05:09 AM

Story from a Minnesota State Trooper:

I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding MN State Highway 210 at Mile Marker 197 just East of McGregor, MN. I asked for her driver’s license, registration, and proof of insurance.

The lady took out the required information and handed it to me. In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age) to see she had a Conceal Carry Permit. I looked at her and asked if she had a weapon in her possession at this time.

She responded that she indeed had a .45 semi-automatic in her glove box. Something…body language, or the way she said it…made me want to ask if she had any other firearms.

She did admit to also having a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what was she so afraid of.

She looked me right in the eye and said, “Not a f****** thing!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 04, 2012, 11:08:09 AM

TEXAS RANCHER

An 80-year-old Texas Rancher goes to the Mayo clinic in Rochester for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, ‘How do You stay in such great physical condition?’

‘I’m from Texas and in my spare time I like to hunt and fish says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight riding herd and mending fences and when I’m not doing that, I’m out hunting or fishing. In the evening, I have a beer and all is well.’

‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?’

‘Who said my father’s dead?’

The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 80 years old and your father’s still alive? How old is he?’

‘He’s 100 years old,’ says the old Texan. ‘In fact he worked with and hunted with me this morning, and then we went to the topless bar for a while and had a little beer and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s a Texas rancher and he’s a hunter and fisherman too.’

‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your father’s father? How old was he when he died?’

‘Who said my Grandpa’s dead?’

Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 80 years old and your grandfather’s’ still alive?’

‘He’s 118 years old,’ says the man

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went hunting with you this morning too?’

‘No, Grandpa couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?’

‘Who said he wanted to?’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 04, 2012, 11:34:53 AM

Some short jokes:

How is a marriage like a deck of cards?
You start out with two hearts and a diamond, but after awhile you're looking for a club and a spade.

I haven't spoken to my wife in over three months...we're not fighting, I just don't like to interrupt.

The last time I golfed I only hit two good balls all day...and THAT was when I stepped on a rake in the sand trap!

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A Doberman.

A baby seal goes into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?"
The seal says "Anything but the Canadian Club."

from a nurse:
Q: What's twelve inches long and hangs in front of an a$$?
A: A stethoscope.

“How do you get a guitar player off your front porch?
Pay him for the pizza.”

Did you hear about the doctor who reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a rectal thermometer and said: "Ah, some a$$hole's got my pen.

An Englishman, an American, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar having a pint of Guiness, when suddenly each has a fly land in his beer. The Englishman snorts in disgust and pushes the glass away. The American flicks the fly out and continues drinking like nothing happened. The Irishman grabs the fly between his fingers, holds it upside down over the glass, and screams, “Spit it out, ya bastard!”

What is the difference between bagpipes and a chainsaw?
You can tune the chainsaw.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2012, 08:43:27 PM

How to start a fight

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....

_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
___________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is
terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started....
_______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2012, 09:07:41 PM

Makes you weep - or be bl—dy annoyed.

Dear Prime Minister The RT. HON. David Cameron. MP.
I wish to ask you a Question :- " Is This True ?"
I refer to the Pension Reality Check.
Are you aware of the following ?
The British Government provides the

following financial assistance:-

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER (bearing in mind they worked hard and paid
their Income Tax and National Insurance contributions to the British
government all their working life) Weekly allowance: £106.00

IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN (No Income Tax and National
Insurance contribution whatsoever) Weekly allowance: £250.00

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Weekly Spouse allowance: £25.00

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Weekly Spouse
allowance: £225.00

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER Additional weekly hardship allowance £0.00

ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN Additional weekly
hardship allowance£100.00

A British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal
immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing

BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT:
£29,900

Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can
lobby for a decent state pension.

After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the
growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.

Sad isn't it? Its about time we put our own people first.

Please have the guts to forward this.

I Just did

Something I don't understand...I get these emails every now and then,

there is a simple message which the goverment is trying to get over to

everyone......."Tuff, get used to it".......

YOUR OPINION DOES NOT MATTER....SO STOP BITCHING

"have a nice day"........mugs

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 07, 2012, 09:09:02 PM

Gynaecologist's Assistant

An unemployed man went into a Job Centre in Central London, and saw a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went up to the desk and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled out the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £45,000, but you'll have to go to Dagenham, Essex."

"Good grief . . . Is that where the job is?"

"No sir . . . that's where the end of the queue is right now."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 07, 2012, 09:09:41 PM

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a get
> acquainted tour of the White House.
>
> After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked outgoing President
> Bill
> Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.
>
> When he entered Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that
> President Clinton had a solid gold urinal!
>
> That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just
> think,'
> he said, 'when I am President, I too could have a gold urinal.
> But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"
>
> Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House,
> she
> told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact
> that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
>
> That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary
> smiled, and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone."
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 07, 2012, 09:10:19 PM

Dr. Smith's Prescriptions

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her breasts Dr. Smith advised her, 'Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, 'Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!'

She did this faithfully for several months!

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs!

One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely b00bs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood up in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said, 'Scooby doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies.'

A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, 'Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?

'Yes I am... How did you know?'

He winked and replied, " Hickory dickory dock "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 07, 2012, 09:13:02 PM

A lady helps her man install a new computer.
Once it is completed,
she tells him to select a password,
a word that he'll always remember.
as the computer asks him to enter it,
he looks at his wife and with a macho
gesture and a wink in his eye, he selects
a word but he is annoyed with her reaction,
when he selects: penis.
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection,
his wife collapses with laughter and
rolls on the floor in hysteria

cid:X.MA2.1325815360@aol.com
The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 08, 2012, 08:59:00 PM

HOLY PROSTITUTES
A man is driving down a deserted
Stretch of highway
When he notices a sign
Out of the corner of his eye...
It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

'What may we do for you! My son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 09, 2012, 08:53:40 PM

O x y m o r o n s

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand On the watch Called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled In the dictionary, How would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, Where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” Mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” When we are already there?

10. Why are they called “ stands” When they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” When it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” Make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and A “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” Mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” Not spelled The way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, Why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, Where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, Why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed And have dyslexia, Can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular And panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder On the buttons of a remote control When you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags And garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated Is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue Stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set When you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year Do you sit in front of a dead tree And eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway And park on a driveway?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 10, 2012, 08:51:22 PM

OLD x PRIDE
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old x receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand to attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing. They remember the 50 plus Peacekeeping Missions from 1945 to 2005, not to mention Vietnam .
If you bump into an Old x on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old x on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our great country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.
We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 16, 2012, 11:31:10 PM

Hard to argue this logic

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it would be nice to have another kid.”

You never hear a guy say, “I would like another kick in the nuts.”

Case closed.
____

Of course, the male exceptions are those that plan to vote for Obama, again.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 18, 2012, 09:15:42 PM

A guy is sitting in his living room watching TV when he notices a Police car pull up in front of his house. The Sheriff and his deputy come up and knock on the front door.

He answers the door and the Sheriff says, "Are you Mr. Smith?"

"Yes," he says.

"Are you married, sir?"

"Yes I am," replies Mr. Smith.

"Would you happen to have a picture of your wife, sir?"

"Yes I do," says Mr. Smith.

"Would you mind getting it and showing it to us."

"No problem, gents." He goes into the living room and returns with her picture and hands it to the Sheriff.

A very serious look comes across the Sheriff's face and he looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry Mr. Smith but it looks like your wife was run over by a truck."

Mr. Smith replies, "I know, but she has a great personality and is a fantastic cook!!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 18, 2012, 09:17:09 PM

CONDOM HISTORY :

An interesting piece of history...
In 1272, the Iranians invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.

In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

I hope you appreciate this history update.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 18, 2012, 09:17:45 PM

In Australia, a rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and
emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no
answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man.

"Gidday, mate!
Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, Where's y'r wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 19, 2012, 09:49:50 PM

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately there's only one space left that day so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Dolly takes off her top and says "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for all eternity".

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question. The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down. Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says "Okay your Majesty, you may go in".

Dolly is outraged and asks "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down. She pees into a toilet and she gets in! Would you explain that to me!?

" "Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel "but even in Heaven a royal flush beats a pair..."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 24, 2012, 09:27:04 AM

And in 2012 Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn’t you say ?

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
I just couldn’t help but send this along. Too funny...

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 24, 2012, 09:33:12 AM

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to
their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says
she’ll see him later and walks away.

... The wife glares at her husband and says, “Who was that?”

“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”

“Well, that’s the last straw,” says the wife. “I’ve had enough, I want a divorce!”

“I can understand that,” replies her husband, “but remember, if we get
a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in
the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank
accounts. But.... The decision is all yours.”

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

“Who’s that woman with Tony?” asks the wife.

“That’s his mistress,” says her husband.

“Ours is prettier,” she replies.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 24, 2012, 09:36:42 AM

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”

Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 12:03:02 AM

You're playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating bastard's ball out of your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:20:04 PM

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you
determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you
want a bed near the window?"

DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:20:42 PM

DONATIONS
>
> A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.
>
> Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.
>
> The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"
>
> "Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP's during a sitting of parliament,
> and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to
> douse them all in petrol and set them on fire.
>
> We are going from car to car collecting donations."
>
> "How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.
>
> The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:24:29 PM

SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN

When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey. Oprah asked, 'Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working, and at your age I think that is remarkable.'

George Burns said, 'I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it.'

Oprah said, 'I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age.'

George said, 'Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it.'

Oprah said, 'I have never been with an older man. Would you do it with me?'

So they had sex and when they finished, Oprah said, 'I just don't believe I have ever been so satisfied. You are a remarkable man!'

George said, 'The second time is even better than the first time.'

Oprah asked, 'You can really do it again at your age?'

George said, 'Just let me sleep for half an hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes.'

When she woke him up, they had great sex again, and Oprah was beside herself with joy.

She said, 'Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be even better than the first time. At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!'

George told her that the third time would be even better. 'You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes.'

Oprah asked, 'Does my holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?'

George replied, 'No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:25:31 PM

It takes an Italian Man to make a Woman feel like a Woman??!!

> On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then an Italian man stands up in the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well

built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. ........He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. ......One button at a time.

........No one moves. ..............Everyone is transfixed. ...........He removes his shirt. ...........Muscles ripple across his hairy chest. ...........She gasps...

.............He whispers...

"Iron this, and get me something to eat...."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:27:49 PM

Grammar

On his 67th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only one teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3'.
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4'," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 01:29:02 PM

Wine taster.

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died

and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.

The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink.

He tried it and said,

"It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope,

matured in steel containers".

Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....

"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope,

oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees.

Requires three more years for finest results.."

"Correct."

A third glass...

''It's a pinot blanc champagne,

high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The Director was astonished

He winked at his secretary to suggest something

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant

and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 08:56:11 PM

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years.. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect.. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

Two elderly gentlemenfrom a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

An elderly couplehad dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great... I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

I love this one!
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted hedidn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he sa id. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

Couple in their ninetiesare both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember…
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, soas not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse..'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guysare out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A co uple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

And One more. . ..!
A little old manshuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool…After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 28, 2012, 09:33:24 PM

Test Your Brain
This is really cool.

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST
(i love this part.. its absolutely amazing!)
Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.

The reasoning behind is further down.

The brain cannot process "OF".

Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!

Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.

<http://www.aip.org/history/einstein/ae77.htm%3e>

Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 29, 2012, 08:44:02 PM

An Arab enters a taxi cab in Austin, Texas..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because
he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of
the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is
music of the infidel's and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the
side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: “What are you doing man?”

The Texan answers: “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis.

So get your ass out and wait for a camel.”

You gotta love Texas.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 30, 2012, 08:08:21 PM

Little Johnny is told to write an essay about his daily routine. Next day, he has to read it out in front of the class:

"My Sex Life

I have to get up at 4:30 in the morning to feed the chickens and drive the cows out onto the meadow. Then I make a full breakfast for my grandparents and coffee and toast for my mother before I go to school.

After school, I have to do my homework, muck out the pigsty and chop firewood. Sometimes I help my dad out in the fields, hoeing weeds and lifting stones. Before going to bed, I have to do all the washing up and polish the kitchen floor. That's my daily routine."

"Very good, Johnny," says the teacher, "but why did you use that strange title?"

"Well," says Johnny, "I couldn't write 'My F**king Life', could I?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 31, 2012, 10:48:34 AM

Can you believe it?

The IRS sent my income tax return form back to me!

In response to question # 4, “Do you have any dependants?”
I replied :
12 million illegal immigrants,
7.1 million crack heads,
16 million unemployed people,
2 million people in prison
and about 600 idiots in Congress.
Apparently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.

Who the h*ll did I miss

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 31, 2012, 10:53:26 AM

I understand that you don’t have a ton of extra time to read books, so I’ve
compiled a short list of books that can be read at a single sitting:

World’s
Shortest
Books
MY BLACK
GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger
Woods
____________________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda & Cindy Sheehan

Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
________________________________________
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS
& HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al
Sharpton
______________________________________
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
BILL
By Hillary Clinton
___________________________________
Sequel: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT
HILLARY
By Bill Clinton
_____________________________
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
____________________________________
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
_________________________________
THINGS WE KNOWTO BE
TRUE
By Al Gore & John Kerry
_____________________________________
GUIDE TO: THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
____________________________________
HOW TO LIVE LIFETO THE
FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
__________________________________
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED
BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes & Rosie
O’Donnell
_______________________
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
__________________________________
THE AMISH PHONE
DIRECTORY
_______________________________________
MY PLAN TO FINDTHE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
_________________________________________
HOW TO DRINK &DRIVE
SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
______________________________
MY BOOKOF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introductionby
The Rev. Jesse Jackson
____________________________________________________
HOW TO WIN A
SUPERBOWL
BY THE DETROIT LIONS
___________________________________________________
My Complete
Knowledgeof Military Strategy
By Nancy Pelosi
________________________________________________________
And the shortest
book of them all...
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL
PEACE PRIZE
by Barack Obama

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 03, 2012, 03:27:17 PM

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mummy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mummy when she's been on the piss."

I love these touching stories!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 05, 2012, 10:05:24 AM

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen"

Husband texts back, "pour some luke warm water over it”

Wife texts back "computer completely f_cked now

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 08, 2012, 11:54:31 AM

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 Beers.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full.

They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full...

The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.

The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things-—your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions-—and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.

The sand is everything else-—the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18.

There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal.

Take care of the golf balls first-—the things that really matter.

Set your priorities.

The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the Beer represented.

The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’

The Beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 08, 2012, 12:00:18 PM

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her,
Give her jewelry,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Show up naked,
Bring Beer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 08, 2012, 08:00:12 PM

A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 09, 2012, 08:43:54 PM

STUD ROOSTER
A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

'OK old x, time for you to retire.'
The old rooster replies, 'Come on, surely you cannot handle
ALL of these chickens.
Look what it has done to me
Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'
The young rooster says,
'Beat it: You are washed up
And I am taking over.'
The old rooster says,
'I tell you what, young stud.
I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs.
'You know you don't stand a chance, old man.
So, just to be fair,
I will give you a head start.'

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch
When he sees the roosters running by.
The Old Rooster is squawking
And running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and
- BOOM -
He blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

'Dammit.....
Third gay rooster I bought this month.'

Moral of this Story? ....

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS -

Age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery

Always overcome youth and arrogance!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 10, 2012, 09:07:00 PM

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite !'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 12, 2012, 09:25:11 PM

This letter was sent to the Kirkcaldy High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners.

An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Kirkcaldy High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Raith home for Elderly Ladies.

All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it.

She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to x off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 13, 2012, 08:58:42 PM

Subj: Little girl and the building site workers

Subject: This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building
workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the
goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race.............

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of
building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity
going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the
little girl as a sort of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do
here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope -
containing two pounds in 10p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her
mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open
a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site
and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously: 'I think so. Provided those wankers at Jewsons deliver the fucking
bricks.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 14, 2012, 09:40:37 AM

Several days ago as I left a meeting,I desperately gave myself a pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets.

A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. As I burst back out through the doors,I came to a terrifying conclusion. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, I called my wife,...”Honey,” I stammered. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard her voice. “Idiot”, she barked, “I dropped you off!”

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.

“She retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car.”

Yep it’s getting like that. The golden

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 14, 2012, 05:41:21 PM

Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at the Paris airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?"

"No, just here for a few days."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 18, 2012, 08:27:12 PM

A man and woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant, gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

Still, the woman appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware her dining companion had disappeared. The waitress went over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 19, 2012, 06:25:42 PM

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you lie.

He decides to test it out on his son at supper. "Where were you last night?"
"I was at the library."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK I was at a friend's house," the son admits. "Doing what?" asked the
father. "Watching a movie: Toy Story."

The robot slaps the son.

"OK it was porn!" cried the son. Father yells "What? When I was your age I
didn't know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son!"

The robot slaps the mother.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 19, 2012, 08:01:02 PM

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

'I don't want to know,' the child said, bursting into tears. 'Promise me you won't tell me.'

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

The boy sobbed, 'When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.

At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for !!!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 19, 2012, 08:03:02 PM

As we have seen with various personalities

whose transgressions have been posted in the news,

Tiger Woods only returned to golf after a 5-month hiatus,

Arnold Schwarzenegger is still in limbo,
Charlie Sheen has been cut from both his wife & show,

the Italians have accepted the resignation of their

Prime Minister, Berlesconi,

it's probably prudent to remind you of the following

“Wisdom”

When you see a woman....
And want her badly....
Please consider the following.....

No matter how beautiful she is.....

No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her breasts are...

..... I've forgotten where I was going with this...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on April 20, 2012, 05:08:32 AM

I can finish it for you TBWG!

"No matter how huge her breast are......"

Somewhere in the world there is a bloke saying " Thank God she's gone !!!! "

Cheers,
J T whistle

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 20, 2012, 09:23:37 PM

Drunk Driver - True story from Australia

Only an Aussie could pull this one off ! A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland ..

Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy"..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 20, 2012, 09:30:58 PM

*ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE*****
*From JOHN CLEESE *

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and
have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon,
though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A
Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940
when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from
"Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a
"Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish
Armada.

The Irish have just two threat levels, though of late, neither of these is in common

use. “Top o’the Mornin’” for all non-threatening approaches, and “Feck Off” for all others.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get
the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they
have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are
"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire
that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the
country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to
"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat
Operations" and "Change Sides". However, just lately Italians Commanders

have introduced a further intermediary level for errors of judgement entitled

“Get Out! We are First in the Lifeboats”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to
"Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy
can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final
escalation level.****
Regards,****
*John*****

John Cleese,****
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.****

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 24, 2012, 08:45:35 PM

Hard to argue this logic......
>
>
>
>
> Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
> getting kicked in the nuts.
>
> Here is proof that they are wrong.
>
>
> A year or so after giving birth a woman will often surmise "It’d be
> nice to have another baby".
>
> You never hear a bloke say "I wouldn’t mind another kick in the nuts".
>
>
> Case closed.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 27, 2012, 11:19:29 PM

American Railroads . . . the rest of the story:

The U.S. Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that’s the way they built them in England , and English expatriates designed the U.S. Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they had used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular Odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So, who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (including England ) for their legions. Those roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels.

Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore, the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. In other words, bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification, procedure, or process, and wonder, ‘What horse’s ass came up with this?’, you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses.

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, you will notice that there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah.

The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit larger, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s behind.

And you thought being a horse’s behind wasn’t important!

Now you know, Horses’ Behinds control almost everything... including all the politicians in Congress.

Explains a whole lot of stuff, doesn’t it?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 29, 2012, 03:48:25 PM

A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess. . .
“Will you marry me?”
The Princess said, “No!!!” And the Prince lived happily ever after and
rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and
hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated
women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and
never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and
banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and
potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated
on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was
frikin cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up.

The end.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 30, 2012, 08:00:02 PM

AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Some People Are Like Slinkies - Not Really Good For Anything But They Bring A Smile To Your Face When They're Pushed Down The Stairs!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 04, 2012, 07:02:38 PM

A group of 15-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner.
Finally, they agreed to meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they had only $6.00 among them and Jimmy Johnson, the cute boy in Social Studies, lived on that street.

10 years later, the group of 25-year-old girlfriends discussed where
to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View
restaurant because the beer was cheap, the restaurant offered free
snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the group of 35-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the cosmos were good, it was right near the gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the group of 45-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, the group of 55-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good, the restaurant had windows that opened (in case of hot flashes), and fish is good for cholesterol.

10 years later, the group of 65-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and the restaurant had an early bird special.

10 years later, the group of 75-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped-accessible and had an elevator.

10 years later, the group of 85-year-old girlfriends discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally, they agreed to meet at the Ocean View restaurant because it sounded nice and they had never been there before.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 04, 2012, 08:44:02 PM

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School. They
rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle
of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel
number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of
wine. Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans
and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford
University, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful
daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the
daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to
become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading
financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey
stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that after she left school at 17 she ran off with her
boyfriend Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their
own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco's. They live
in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front
drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old peoples
home.
They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 05, 2012, 07:51:38 PM

And in rememberance of the Mexican 5th of May:

Most people don’t know that back in 1912, Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delievered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 08, 2012, 08:29:38 PM

This one MADE MY DAY!!! I hope it does the same for you!!!!!
Goodness me, haven't we all known people like this! The Arrogance of Authority

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher."See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"

The rancher nodded politely, apologised, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull....

With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

(I just love this part....)

"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 10, 2012, 08:08:22 AM

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M; University, has designed a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and bouncing up and down, and prevents nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the $hit out of him.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 10, 2012, 08:12:07 PM

The Secret Service scandal was discovered when a disagreement on how much a prostitute wanted for her services came to light. She wanted $800.00. The Secret Service Agent offered $30.00. How ironic is it that the only person in Washington willing to cut spending gets fired?

"In God We Trust"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 13, 2012, 09:24:51 AM

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog
chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out
line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant? So because I’m retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I
was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50
pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming
out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and
simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was
now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a
poodle’s ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard.

Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask
retired people. They have all the time in the World to think of crazy
things to say.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 13, 2012, 09:31:12 AM

Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.

One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.

“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job when you finally get here; but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”

“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”

“Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear”.

“Yes sir, I understand your concern and I will try harder”.

Seeming puzzled, the manager went on to comment, “I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say to you there if you showed up in the morning late so often?”

The old man looked down at the floor, then smiled. He chuckled quietly, then said with a grin,
“They usually saluted and said, Good morning, General, can I get your coffee, sir”?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 13, 2012, 09:35:08 AM

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

The brain said: “I should be in charge, because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the heart, “because I pump the blood and circulate oxygen all over the body, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “because I process food and give all of you energy.”

“I should be in charge,” said the rectum, “because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic.
Eventually the other organs gave in. They all agreed that the rectum should be the boss,

The Moral of the story?

Even though others do all the work, the a$$ hole is usually in charge.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 13, 2012, 09:44:42 AM

There is a factory in Eastern Wisconsinwhich that the Tickle Me Elmo toys. In case you didn’t know, the toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. “I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...”

“Your job was to give Elmo two test tickles.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 13, 2012, 05:20:34 PM

Senior moment, double post!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 15, 2012, 07:35:42 PM

Coming soon - The Aspirin Tax
>

>News Bulletin:
>
>
>The Government is going to impose a 40% tax on
Aspirin!
>
>
>
>Why, you ask..?
>
>
>Well, primarily because it’s WHITE
and it WORKS!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 15, 2012, 07:40:12 PM

2012 Darwin Awards

Nominee No. 1: [ San Jose Mercury News]:

An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girl friend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

Nominee No. 2: [ Kalamazoo Gazette]:

James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of Alamo , MI , was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive shaft."

Nominee No. 3: [ Hickory Daily Record]:

Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton , NC . Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto ]:

Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death.? A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association. A person has to wonder what the dimmer members of this law firm are like.

Nominee No. 5: [The News of the Weird]:

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolina 's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.

Nominee No. 6: [The Indianapolis Star]:

A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk , IN. A Jay County man, using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzleloader, was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54-caliber muzzle-loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.

Nominee No. 7: [Reuters, Mississauga , Ontario ]:

A man cleaning a bird feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. "Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheelchair when the accident occurred," said Inspector Darcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said.

Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [ Arkansas Democrat Gazette]:

Two local men were injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock , were returning to Des Arc after a frog-catching trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Poole 's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned.

The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullets from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on eastbound toward the White River Bridge .

After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exited the pavement, and struck a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to his testicles, which will never operate as intended.

Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. "Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off, or we might be dead," stated Wallis

"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this accident happened," said Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia ( Poole 's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck? Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole did in fact effectively remove himself from the gene pool.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 16, 2012, 08:18:36 PM

St. Peter is sitting at the Pearly Gates
when three black guys in baggy pants arrive,
having been killed in a drive-by on the south side of Chicago.
St. Peter looks out through the Gates and said,
"Wait here. I will be right back."
St. Peter goes over to God's office
and tells him who is waiting for entrance.
God says to Peter, "How many times do I have to tell you!
You can't be racist and judgmental here.
This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers.
Go back and let them in!"
St. Peter goes back to the Gates,
looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh.
He returns to God's office and says,
"Well, they're gone."
“Who, the black guys?" asked God!
"No. The Pearly Gates!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 18, 2012, 06:43:44 PM

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,
"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a £500,000.00 home, a £35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2012, 09:10:57 PM

Paddy's birthday.

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So, when Paddy's, 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 19, 2012, 09:50:47 AM

“When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became Optional, and now it’s Legal.

I’m getting out before Our Commander & Chief makes it mandatory.”

GySgt Harry Berres, USMC

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 19, 2012, 09:45:55 PM

Price of gas in France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and
made it safely to his van..

However, he was captured only two

blocks away when his van ran out of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an
obvious error,

he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the Van Gogh.'

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....

I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 21, 2012, 09:32:12 PM

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 29, 2012, 11:40:42 AM

Al Qa'eeda to go on strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike next
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the
afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an
agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of
virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25%
this April from 72 to only 54 . The rationale for the cut was the increase
in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage
of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs
(or B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its
members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary
Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves
to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be
treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently
resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained,

"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities
of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Westerndepravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying
people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of
my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle , Middlesbrough, Essex,
Glasgow and Doncaster stated that they would be unaffected as there
are no virgins in these areas anyway.

Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been largely put
down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle.
Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on
going to paradise.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 29, 2012, 02:47:55 PM

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the
next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm
doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the
shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was
a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 31, 2012, 03:33:57 AM

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan.

He's making land mines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing well.

He says prophets are going through the roof…

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 31, 2012, 03:35:36 AM

Baldrick: "What I want to know, Sir is, before there was a Euro there were lots of different types of money that different people used. And now there's only one type of money that the foreign people use. And what I want to know is, how did we get from one state of affairs to the other state of affairs"

Blackadder: "Baldrick. Do you mean, how did the Euro start?"

Baldrick: "Yes Sir"

Blackadder: "Well, you see Baldrick, back in the 1980s there were many different countries all running their own finances and using different types of money. On one side you had the major economies of France, Belgium, Holland and Germany, and on the other, the weaker nations of Spain, Greece, Ireland, Italy and Portugal. They got together and decided that it would be much easier for everyone if they could all use the same money, have one Central Bank, and belong to one large club where everyone would be happy. This meant that there could never be a situation whereby financial meltdown would lead to social unrest, wars and crises".

Baldrick: "But this is sort of a crisis, isn't it Sir?".

Blackadder: "That's right Baldrick. You see, there was only one slight flaw with the plan".

Baldrick: "What was that then, Sir?"

Blackadder: "It was bollocks".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 31, 2012, 08:27:33 PM

News flashes:

1. Now on sale at IKEA – beds for lesbians: no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove.

2. A Muslim has been shot with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related.

3. Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

4. I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 01, 2012, 02:37:39 PM

SATUK style drive in shopping!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on June 01, 2012, 07:30:42 PM

Archa on special TBWG??

Hope no one was hurt.
Cheers,
JT

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 07, 2012, 01:12:37 AM

Hi J the T

I do not know if anyone was hurt ~~~ but ~~~ suspect the driver needed more than a bandaid!

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

The Traffic Warden’s funeral
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s funeral
a voice from inside screams "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters
"Too f*cking late pal, the paperwork’s already done"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 07, 2012, 02:45:44 AM

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is a doggie position.

The husband sits up and begs..

The wife rolls over and plays dead.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Vombatus on June 07, 2012, 11:10:54 PM

How to make a woman happy:-

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13.. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. Determined!
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring Alcohol

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Vombatus on June 08, 2012, 06:40:46 PM

It's been one of those days.

Went to the swimming pool got bored so decided to have a pee in the deep end.

The lifeguard must have noticed as he blew his whistle so loud I fell in.

I tell you it not been a good day so far.

Hope your day is going a little better.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 10, 2012, 11:09:30 AM

PUNS

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 13, 2012, 09:42:11 PM

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on
> a long flight.
>
>
> The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could
> get one over on them easily.
> So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.
> The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
> declines and tries to
> catch a few winks.
> The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun....
> "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay
> me only $5.00.
> Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
> you $500.00," he says.
> This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer
> quiet, he agrees to play the game.
> The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
> from the Earth to the Moon?"
> The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket,
> pulls out a five-dollar bill,
> and hands it to the lawyer.
> Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What
> goes up a hill with three legs,
> and comes down with four?"
> The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find
> on the Net.
>
> He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
> After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.
> He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior
> pockets the $500.00 and
> goes right back to sleep.
> The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes
> the senior up and asks,
> "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down
> with four?"
>
> The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and
> goes back to sleep.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 15, 2012, 03:18:23 PM

What has caused more long term destruction -
the Hiroshima A-bomb,
or
Government welfare programs created to buy the
votes of those who want someone to take care of them?

Japan does not have a welfare system.

Work for it or do without.

These are possibly the 5 best sentences you'll ever read and all applicable to this experiment:

1. You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.

2. What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.

3. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

4. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!

5. When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 17, 2012, 07:23:05 PM

On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in Glasgow were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow plows can get through".
So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through".
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.

You must park......." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,

"I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that all Scotsmen who are married to blondes always exhibit,

the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smithy99 on June 18, 2012, 12:38:40 AM

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 19, 2012, 05:02:53 PM

Quote from: smithy99 on June 18, 2012, 12:38:40 AM

A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 19, 2012, 05:03:08 PM

Polish Joke

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bastard!"

The judge stops and says to the Pollock in the back of the courtroom,

Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

The Pollock in the back of the court stands up and says,

"I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that Asshole, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 19, 2012, 05:15:26 PM

A young Catholic girl went to confession and said to the priest, "I'm pregnant."

He asked, "How did this happen, my child?"

She said, "I think it must be the second coming."

The priest, shocked by this reply asked, "What makes you think this has anything to do with the second coming?"

She replied, "Because I swallowed the first one ...."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smithy99 on June 19, 2012, 08:24:56 PM

Quote from: TBWG on June 19, 2012, 05:02:53 PM

Quote from: smithy99 on June 18, 2012, 12:38:40 AM
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

1# cave brat & brave cat
2# witch daughter & ditch water
3# dairy foods & fairy dudes
4# touch down & Dutch town

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 19, 2012, 09:13:49 PM

Quote from: smithy99 on June 19, 2012, 08:24:56 PM

Quote from: TBWG on June 19, 2012, 05:02:53 PM
Quote from: smithy99 on June 18, 2012, 12:38:40 AM
A spoonerism is a pair of words that can have their initial sounds switched to form new words. The pairs need only sound the same, not necessarily be spelled the same (power saw & sour paw, horse cart & coarse heart). There may sometimes be one or two connecting words (kick the stone & stick the cone, king of the rats & ring of the cats). Given the following definitions, what are the spoonerisms?

1) spoiled Neanderthal child & courageous cougar
2) child of a sorceress & liquid in a trench
3) milk and cheese & fops who are imaginary beings with magical powers
4) fondle feathers & Amsterdam

Is No 4 Touch down & Dutch town ?

No idea on others!

TBWG

1# cave brat & brave cat
2# witch daughter & ditch water
3# dairy foods & fairy dudes
4# touch down & Dutch town

Difference between a pigmay tribe and woman's track team.

One is a cunning bunch of runts.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 21, 2012, 08:06:19 PM

A young man stopped at a local restaurant after a day of roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table.

It looked good.

It smelled good.

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The visitor, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on holiday down here! Bring me an order!"

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the man returned, placed his order, and then that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.

After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 22, 2012, 11:17:37 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 23, 2012, 10:50:00 AM

There was a bit of confusion at the store this morning. When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us ***seniors*** a little clearer!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 23, 2012, 11:13:18 AM

I was working on my computer and as usual I could not get it to function correctly. So I gave up and called the whiz kid next door.

He came over, hit a few keys and my system was back on line. "Wow, what did you do?"

He said, "It was an 'ID Ten T' error."

"How do I keep it from happening again?" I asked.

He just smiled at me, "Just type out 'ID Ten T', eventually it will come to you." And he left.

So I started typing 'ID Ten T', and then tried it a diffent way: ID10T

The little Smartass chairhit

\

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 23, 2012, 03:32:00 PM

INVITATION

I am hosting a charity concert for people who struggle to reach orgasm

If you can't come let me know

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 23, 2012, 06:00:16 PM

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 23, 2012, 10:07:30 PM

"I'm sorry love, but do you take it up the arse? Or can you just swallow it?" I asked this fit bird down the drug store.

"Can you x off you creep?!" she yelled back, "I'm sick of men like you thinking we're so easy."

"Listen miss can you calm the x down and tell me how I'm supposed to take these suppositories you've just sold me?" I replied

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Beer Leo on June 24, 2012, 07:42:26 AM

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE
BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT......I'M GETTING A
FAX!!"

:D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Hank Marvin on June 24, 2012, 02:18:44 PM

Urleft u must be a yankie doodle just a guess

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 24, 2012, 08:12:56 PM

Quote from: Hank Marvin on June 24, 2012, 02:18:44 PM

Urleft u must be a yankie doodle just a guess

If you mean an American, yup. But I am not a "Yankie Doodle Dandy born on the 4th of July."

Cheers.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 26, 2012, 12:40:10 AM

In an Australian rural program for farmers, a female TV reporter was sent out to try and seek an explanation for Mad Cow disease. She arranged an interview with a farmer who may have theories on the matter to try and find an answer.

The interview went as follows:

Lady reporter: I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?

The farmer stared at the reporter and said.
Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?

Reporter: Well, sir, I have to admit that I was not aware of this fact (obviously embarrassed), but what's that got to do with Mad Cow disease?

Farmer: Well, madam, do you know that cows get milked twice a day?

Reporter: Yes Sir, but what's the point?

Farmer: I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day.... and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad?

THE INTERVIEW WAS NEVER AIRED...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 26, 2012, 08:40:43 PM

Years ago in Ireland, there was a priest who was very anti-British.

Every Sunday he would blast them from the pulpit, eventually becoming so notorious that the Pope himself summoned him to Rome for an audience.

"Father," said the Pope,
"I want to see peace between the British and the Irish. You're not helping matters at all. I want you to kiss my ring and swear by the Blessed Virgin that you'll never so much as mention the British in public again."

"But Your Holiness, I ... I ... " the priest stammered.

"No buts," said the Pope. "Swear it here and now or there'll be trouble!"

"Aye, Holy Father," sighed the father. "All right. I swear it."

The very next Sunday just happened to be Easter, and the priest was back at his pulpit in Ireland, giving his annual Easter sermon.

He got to the part of the Easter story where Jesus said,
"And one of you shall betray Me."

The priest continues:
"Saint Andrew jumps up and says, 'Is it I, Lord?' and the Lord says, 'Nay, Andy darlin', it's not you. Sit down now and dunna worry. Eat your supper.'

Then Saint John the Divine gets up with tears in his eyes and cries,
'Is it I, Lord?' And the Lord says, 'Nay, Johnny me boy, it's not you. Sit down now and dunna fret yourself. Eat your supper.'

"Then that dirty dog Judas Iscariot slowly rises to his feet. And he looks the Lord right in the eye and says,
'Cor blimey, mate. You fink it's me?'"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 27, 2012, 03:40:27 PM

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

"The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse....."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 28, 2012, 09:51:04 PM

In church, while reverently preparing for the service, I heard a sweet little old lady, sitting next to me in the pew, quietly whispering a prayer.

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you. She said,

"Dear Lord, this has been a tough two or three years ...
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze,
my favorite musician Michael Jackson,
my favorite salesman Billy Mays,
my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
my favorite singer Whitney Houston,
and, now, my favorite announcer Dick Clark.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politician is Barack Obama.
Amen."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 30, 2012, 09:00:35 PM

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.

Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says,

"The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to the women!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 30, 2012, 09:06:02 PM

Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir... gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

Putting up a tent, is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole an'...slip in to the old bag.

Washing a car, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

And yet, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

Going to the brink of death and back, in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriage-way, is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

Going fishing was very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up while not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 01, 2012, 08:43:25 PM

For us Large individuals:

I forgot to go to the gym yesterday.
That's ten years in a row.

I started hanging out with this American the other day...not by choice though, I got pulled into his orbit.

I overheard a lady ordering in McDonald's.
"That's an interesting accent," I said.
"Oh, I'm from Texas," she replied.
"I bet you get that all the time, don't you?"
"Not really, I've been living here for a few years."
"I was actually referring to your large Big Mac meal, you fat bitch."

After queuing up for almost half an hour in the chemist last week, I finally got to the counter and the woman looked at me and said, "I'm really sorry about your wait."
In a rattled state, I replied, "You're not so fucking skinny yourself, actually."

I went up to this fat bird in the pub last night.
"You're a big lass, aren't you?" I said.
"Tell me something I don't know," she replied with a tear in her eye.
"Salad tastes nice."

Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk but McDonald's continue serving the fat fuckers? It's hardly fair.

I find all these obese jokes horrible.
Don't you think they have enough on their plate?

I spotted a fat chick giving it large on the dance floor in the club last night, so I went over.
"Fancy going for a few drinks somewhere a little quieter?" I winked.
"Oh yes, definitely," she giggled.

"Thanks," I replied. "You're making me and the lads a little sick."

I shagged a fat bird last night.
Its amazing what you will do to an oven ready turkey when you are pissed.

I've just seen an advert in the lonely hearts column, "I'm a curvy girl with a bubbly personality."
Yeah, the only thing bubbly about you is the Aero in your back pocket, you fat bitch.

Dear crisp eater,
We'll start making full bags when you can button your trousers up, you fat x.
Kind regards,

Walkers.

I picked up this woman Saturday night. I'm not saying she's fat, but when I pulled her knickers down to her knees, her ass was still in them.

I was chatting up a bird online earlier.She said, "I'm curvy, voluptuous and cuddly".

I said, "and I'm not stupid, fatty".

A guy is shagging his overweight missus when his phone rings.
"You'll have to phone back, mate," he says. "I'm in the tub."

I was telling my mate I had to dump my girlfriend now she was 16.
I carried on, "When we first got together she was 8."
He said, "You dirty fucking pervert. People like you should be locked up. I can't believe what you are telling me."
I said, "Mate, dress size is important."

On Yahoo answers I saw: 'What would Jesus do if he were an American citizen today?'
So I wrote...
...Perform the miracle of feeding FIVE people with only 5,000 Loaves and Fishes.

I was in a club the other night when I saw this fat fucking bitch standing by herself. I went over to the bar, bought 2 beers, walked over to her and handed her one, saying 'Happy birthday'.
She looked at me funny and said, "It's not my birthday."
I looked her up and down and whispered in her ear, "Then stop eating cake, you fat cunt."

A waiter approached our table and asked us if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!" said my wife.
"And Sir?" said the waiter. "How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on holiday."

Lying in bed with the wife last night.
"I'm wide awake, babe," she said seductively.
"You're also wide in your sleep, fatty," I replied.

I was sitting in the pub the other day.
This nice looking bird walks up, takes a look at my beer belly and asks, "Is that Carlsberg or Tetleys?"
I told her, "There is a tap underneath, help yourself."

I was waiting at the bus stop when a fat woman waddled up.
"When's it due, love?" I asked.
"You cheeky bastard!" she spat.
"The bus, chubby," I said. "Who'd want to x you?"

I got chatting to a really fat bird down the pub. She was delighted when I invited her back to my place.
"This is Fay," I said to the kids when we arrived. "I've brought her here today to show you the dangers of fast foods and binge eating."

I love shagging fat birds.
You are always guaranteed a cracking breakfast in the morning.

I picked up a fat chick wearing a tracksuit in my taxi and dropped her off at the park.
She jumped out and started jogging down the road beside me.
"You go girl!" I shouted with a wolf whistle. "You'll be losing those pounds before you know it."
"My fucking scarf's trapped in the door, you cunt," she replied.

What do we want?
A cure for obesity!
When do we want it?
After dinner!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 06, 2012, 01:37:37 AM

Check this out!

http://www.safeshare.tv/v/fJuNgBkloFE

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dundeemk6 on July 06, 2012, 08:15:54 AM

TBWG : that is really freeking me out ... this is what the future looks like : ignorance and plain stupidity ...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Makman on July 06, 2012, 10:27:48 AM

Quote from: dundeemk6 on July 06, 2012, 08:15:54 AM

TBWG : that is really freeking me out ... this is what the future looks like : ignorance and plain stupidity ...

This is a video response to "Americans are NOT stupid"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w_mkwB9ayK4

and this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ONCrE4IoSsY&feature=watch_response_rev

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 06, 2012, 03:06:00 PM

TODAY'S SMILE!

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school
classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without
fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made
foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow
smiling coyly back at him.

Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... Yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next
morning he was troubled.

Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.

He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone
and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her.

"When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

"Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't
remember who asked me!"
.

.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 07, 2012, 12:09:04 PM

“Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other man pulls out his phone and calls emergency services.

He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm, soothing voice replies: “Take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

Silence, then a shot is heard.

Back on the phone, the hunter says, “Ok, now what?”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 07, 2012, 05:27:58 PM

Daddy Longlegs from the eyes of a child!

Such a heartwarming story... Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing ?" she asked.
"They're mating." her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top ?" she asked.
"A Daddy Longlegs." her father answered.
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs ?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
"No dear both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled thought for a moment,
then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
"Well," she said, "that may be okay in San Francisco ,
but we're not having any of that shit in Delaware ."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 07, 2012, 08:29:58 PM

A guy does a California stop at a stop sign and is pulled over by a cop.

The cop says " I pulled you over for failing to do a full stop at that sign.

The guy says come on officer, I slowed down and it was clear

The cop say yeah you slowed down, but you didn't fully stop. That is against the law.

The guy says, slow down, stop its the same thing.

Then the cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating the guy on the head and says,

"Do you want me to slow down or stop?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 07, 2012, 11:13:06 PM

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her lady bits.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologised and explained "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her".

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole!" she screamed.

"Strange" he muttered "you even sound exactly like her!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 08, 2012, 12:10:38 AM

ECONOMICS 101

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you." The girl looked at him, then said, "NO."

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend.... so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money really fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down." She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "what happened....?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, "The bastard had all quarters!"

Management Lesson:

Always carefully consider a business proposition in it's entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 10, 2012, 04:02:39 PM

Lee Trevino: a true story, you have to love him.

One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas ,
Texas mowing his front lawn, as he always did.

A lady driving by in a big, shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house,
lowered the window and asked,
" Excuse me, do you speak English ?"

Lee responded, " Yes Ma'am, I do "
The lady then asked, " What do you charge to do yard work? "

Lee said, " Well, the lady in this house lets me sleep with her ".

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 10, 2012, 04:05:01 PM

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck
owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:
'Didn't you say to the state trooper
at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my
fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene
of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down
da road.... '

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the
accident,
this man told the

police on the scene that he was fine. Now
several weeks after the accident, he is
trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply
answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to
the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what
he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.

Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust
loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de
Trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and
trailer came tundering tru a stop
sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one
ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder
ditch.

By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move.
An even vurse dan dat, I could
hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain
yust by her
groans.

Shortly

after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could
hear Bessie a moanin' and a
groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her
condition, he took out his
Gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and
said, 'How are you feelin'?'

'Now wot da fock vud you say?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 10, 2012, 04:07:00 PM

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and
Family values.

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 11, 2012, 02:21:36 AM

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1. U can't count your hair
2. U can't wash your eyes with soap
3. U can't breathe when your tongue is out

Put your tongue back in fool.

10 Things I know about you...

1) U are reading this
2) U are human.
3) U can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips
4) U just attempted to do it
6) U are laughing at yourself
7) U have a smile on your face and you skipped No.5
8) U just checked to see if there is a No.5
9) U laugh at this because you are an idiot & everyone does it too.
10) U are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 11, 2012, 03:45:54 PM

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you
5 extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in
any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job", the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 11, 2012, 03:49:34 PM

> ABSOLUTELY POLITICALLY INCORRECT, but funny.....
>
>
>
> Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque...
> They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside.
>
>
> During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
> A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know
> they were living up there".
>
>
> Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not
> enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is
> being shown 5 times a week now.
>
>
> I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got
> pick-pocketed. How could anyone stoop so low.
>
>
> I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a
> fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up
> Abdul, won't it start?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 11, 2012, 03:51:33 PM

A Lesson in Irony

The Food Stamp Program , administered by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, is
actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals
and food stamps ever.

Meanwhile, the National Park Service , administered by the U.S. Department of
the Interior, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their
stated reason for the policy
is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not
learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 12, 2012, 10:59:50 PM

I’m just passing this along, Politically Correct???

Is this so wrong?

I saw a one legged Muslim with no arms at the ATM today.

He asked me to check his balance,

so I pushed the f**ker over.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 13, 2012, 10:17:17 PM

(Four worms and a lesson to be learned !!!)

A priest decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol..

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol ... Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke ... Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup ... Dead.

The fourth worm in good, clean soil ... Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 14, 2012, 03:19:31 AM

Subject: The Euro

In light of the latest problems facing the European currency,
e.g. Ireland and Portugal having had a bailout
Greece facing collapse and needing another bailout,
a Belgian bank collapsing
and now Italy teetering on the brink
and possibly tipping Austria over the edge...
Should the UK adopt the Euro?

A cross-section survey of 10,000 people in Bolton , U.K. , made up of
a representative sample of local citizens consisting of
Afghans, Albanians, Pakistanis, Poles, Iraqis, Somalis,
Bosnians, Turks, Moldovans, Latvians, Lithuanians, Bangladeshis,
Ethiopians, Russians, Congolese and Zimbabweans were asked if they
thought Britain should change its currency and adopt the Euro.
99.9% said no, they were happy with the Giro.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 14, 2012, 09:46:56 AM

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 16, 2012, 12:01:33 AM

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I
ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music,
takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I
signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
their spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate
with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as
simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter,
Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck,
Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and
every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of
everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I
am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in
my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get
lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I
keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red]
phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was
standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone
in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing
aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady
inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into
in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was
like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh
and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a
right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship..
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of
the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone
as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the
cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I
still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at once and
have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms
and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up
every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could
settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?"
every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of
those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never
remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I
just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their
turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I
tweet. I answered, No, but I do x a lot."

Us senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the
garage door remote are about all we can handle.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on July 16, 2012, 11:00:36 AM

Just got back from taking my wife to see a specialist about her Tourettes. steamingMad

After many tests and interviews, he said he could find no evidence of the disease. thumbup

It seems I really am a Tw*t and really should F*ck Off...... :'(

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 16, 2012, 10:09:51 PM

I was sitting at a stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, "praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, " Man...that could have been me !"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 16, 2012, 10:23:33 PM

bravo1

and add meatballs to your truck.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 19, 2012, 04:00:28 PM

> A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
> shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

> The owner was going on holiday for a couple of days and asked if she
> would be willing to run the shop on her own.

> She had to confide in him her worries about selling the
> contraceptives.
>
> "Look," he said. "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they'll
> ask for a 310 [small] a 320 [medium] or a 330 [large].
> The word condom wont even be used.
>
> The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to
> the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
>
> The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
> her predicament.
>
> "Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
> legs" her boss told her.
>
> She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
> his legs. "Yes "!!!! She said " He's got one hanging there"....!
>
> The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................He's
> the Window cleaner"!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 19, 2012, 04:02:12 PM

A young Ventriloquist is touring Essex and, one night, he's doing a show in a

small town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde

jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts

shouting,

"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you

can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have

to do with her worth as a human being?

It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work

and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people

like you that make others think Blondes are thick! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

The embarrassed Ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,

"You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 19, 2012, 04:04:35 PM

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart

problems.

When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 20, 2012, 03:50:31 AM

I'm about to take part in the Great Bradford Run. It's not an official race - I just stand in the city centre and shout "Allah is a bastard"

and then off we go....

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call No 69.

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them - they said it would be just like winning the lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and, to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a Skydiver. The "BNP School of Diving" said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 20, 2012, 08:27:21 PM

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and
his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and
he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by
his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he
said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because
instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 20, 2012, 08:31:26 PM

**Catholic Dog**

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could
ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church..... But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they
believe.. Maybe they'll do something for the creature..'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000
is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? **

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 21, 2012, 01:31:24 AM

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked!
'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied,
'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 21, 2012, 09:25:33 AM

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica – where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”
“Freeze a jolly good fellow.”

Then, they kick him in the ice hole.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 22, 2012, 03:11:33 AM

THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they

Haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and

Walks to the gate.

" McTavish , Scotland ," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over

His shoulder.

" Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks

It under his arm.

"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 23, 2012, 11:34:42 PM

My daughter walked into the family living room last night and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget the college tuition, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window; take my TV, iPhone, iPod, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away from me, and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone that wants it."

Well, she didn't put it quite like that.

She actually said, "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Muhammed. We're going to work together on President Obama's re-election campaign."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on July 25, 2012, 06:19:11 PM

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2012, 06:50:15 PM

The Bridge

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied: 'You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2012, 07:20:02 PM

Be the kind of man that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says "Oh Crap, He's up!" Brother, life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forgive the ones who don't just because you can. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it. Take a few minutes to think before you act when you're mad. Forgive quickly. God never said life would be easy, He just promised it would be worth it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: silver on July 26, 2012, 10:26:28 PM

Woke up yesterday morning with a wicked hangover, all I could hear was the neighbour mowing his bloody lawn! I thought about ringing the bastards neck, then thought x it let him mow round me!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 27, 2012, 02:24:46 AM

Subject: Why She Changed Motels

Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll
call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum....

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" . . . Oh my, he
sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex.
I want it hot, and I want it now.
Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I' m ready!! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: aparasher on July 27, 2012, 09:32:30 AM

If we do bad things then we are supposed to go to hell that is owned and run by the devil and devil supports bad and evil stuff.

Does this mean that more bad things we do, better treatment we will get from devil in hell?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 28, 2012, 09:27:34 AM

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and Family values.

Bill said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Larry replied, ‘I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?’
___________________________________________

A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’

The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’
___________________________________________

‘Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,’ the divorce Court Judge said, ‘And I’ve decided to give your wife $775 a week,’

‘That’s very fair, your honor,’ the husband said. ‘And every now and then I’ll try to send her a few bucks myself.’
___________________________________________

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, ‘I don’t like the looks of your wife at all.’

‘Me neither doc,’ said the husband. ‘But she’s a great cook and really good with the kids.’
___________________________________________

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, ‘Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.’

The old man says without hesitation, ‘I now pronounce you man and wife.’
___________________________________________

Two Reasons Why It’s So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.
___________________________________________

A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, ‘Can you tell me how long it’ll take to fly from San Francisco
to New York City?’

The agent replies, ‘Just a minute.’

‘Thank you,’ the blonde says, and hangs up.
___________________________________________

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

‘How was he killed?’ asked one detective.

‘With a golf gun,’ the other detective replied.

‘A golf gun! What is a golf gun?’

‘I don’t know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.’
___________________________________________

Moe: ‘My wife got me to believe in religion.’

Joe: ‘Really?’

Moe: ‘Yeah. Until I married her I didn’t believe in Hell.’
___________________________________________

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

‘I’m O. K. But I didn’t like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,’ he answered.

‘What did he say,’ asked the nurse.

‘Oops!’
___________________________________________

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband’s advice.

‘What do you think?’ I asked. ‘Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?’

‘Better get a bikini,’ he replied. ‘You’d never get it all in one.’

He’s still in intensive care.
___________________________________________

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, ‘Well, she’s there.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 28, 2012, 10:27:17 PM

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.

She did.

He then said "Now get on your knees."

She did.

"Now take down my zipper."

She did.

"Now go ahead ..... Take it out....." He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

"Well ..... Go ahead."

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... .tentatively said ......

"Hello. Mum, can you hear me?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on July 29, 2012, 06:34:50 AM

A tourist walked into a Brighton antique shop.

After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's £12 for the rat, and £100 for the story.'

The tourist gave the owner his £12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story.'

As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS and they were running faster & faster.

By now very concerned, he ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the sea.

Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned..

The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'

'No,' said the tourist,

'I came back to see if you've got a bronzes of a Muslim Fundamentalist Cleric, an illegal immigrant and a Manchester United supporter'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 31, 2012, 04:20:05 PM

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago,
you would have £49.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in AIG insurance company one
year ago, you would have £33.00 today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers five years
ago, you would have nothing today.

If you had purchased £1,000 of shares in Northern Rock three years
ago, you would have nothing today

But, if you had purchased £1,000 worth of beer one year ago at
Tesco's, drunk all the beer, then taken the aluminium cans to the
scrap metal dealer, you would have received £214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink
heavily & recycle.

A recent study found that the average Briton walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that Britons drink, on average, 22 gallons of
alcohol a year.

That means that, on average, Britons get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you proud to be British!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 31, 2012, 04:30:30 PM

HOW TO INSTALL A SOUTHERN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Donnie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo . Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right
back.

Cooter

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 01, 2012, 03:57:11 AM

If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one ........

A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at a Durban Cab Rank.

The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the Cab.

"What's wrong with you,
haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I come from".

"Well if you're not bloody staring at me, what are you doing then?"

"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking to myself, where is this
lady keeping the money to be paying me with."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 01, 2012, 07:25:19 PM

A Blonde goes to Heaven

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned

St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload

of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new

arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'
'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'
'Just three questions' said St Peter.
'Which are?' asked the Blonde.
'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?
The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you,

I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some

considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).
The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had

considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'
'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'
The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that

indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions'

St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February,

right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'
St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your

answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde.

'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question

absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven.

Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'
The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer.

Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde,

asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'
'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'
And the Blonde entered Heaven...?

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 06, 2012, 07:59:14 AM

Lance Armstrong Finally Busted

Apparently the constant witch hunts over the years by the French has paid off. They’ve been trying to prove Lance Armstrong used illegal substances to win the Tour de France, and they finally have him.

A leading French newspaper stated today that they found THREE French banned substances in his hotel room. They were deodorant, toothpaste, and soap...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 07, 2012, 02:13:21 AM

Mother of all Jihadist Jokes...

Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''

''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son.. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18 years old '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says .. .

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

-

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 08, 2012, 09:50:17 PM

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 09, 2012, 07:19:18 PM

Wisdom that will make you smile!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
<><>
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
<><>
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
<><>
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
<><>
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
<><>
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
<><>
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
<><>
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
<><>
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
<><>
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
<><>
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
<><>
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
<><>
Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
<><>
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
<><>
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
<><>
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields
<><>
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
<><>
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
<><>
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller
<><>
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Bill y Crystal
And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on August 10, 2012, 04:35:36 PM

Oh dear

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 17, 2012, 08:09:44 PM

A husband took his wife to a disco at the weekend…

There was a guy on the dance floor giving it large… Breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works!

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says, without skipping a beat: "Looks like he's still f*cking celebrating!!!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 17, 2012, 08:44:14 PM

Sex With an Illegal Immigrant
An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker in Soho .

"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?"
he asks.

"£100,"
she replies.

In broken English, he says,
"Do you do immigrant style?"

"No"
she says.

"I pay you £200 to do immigrant style."

"No,"
she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you £300."

"No,"
she says.
"I pay you £400."

"No,"
she says.

So finally he says,
"OK, I pay £1,000 to do immigrant style."

She thinks,
"Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.
I've had every kind of request from weirdoes
from every part of the world.
How bad could immigrant style be?"

So she agrees and has sex with him.
Finally, after several hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says,
"Hey, I was expecting something
perverted and disgusting. But that was good.
So, what exactly is immigrant style?"

The illegal immigrant replies,
"You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY FELLOW TAXPAYERS,
IS EXACTLY HOW THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: binnsy on August 18, 2012, 12:13:56 PM

whistle whistle

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.
...
They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 19, 2012, 07:56:04 PM

The wife left a note on the fridge "It's not working, I can't take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my Mother"

I opened the fridge, the light came on and the beer was cold.........
What the hell is she talking about?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 19, 2012, 09:08:24 PM

TAKING THE DOG FOR A WALK....

A little girl asked her Mom, 'Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Mom replies, 'No, because she is in heat.'

'What's that mean?' asked the child.

'Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes to the garage and says, 'Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.'

Dad said, 'Bring Belle over here.' He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said
'OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Belle?'

The little girl said, 'She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home .'

If you ain't laffin'..
You ain't livin'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 20, 2012, 09:23:38 PM

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Philip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 22, 2012, 07:23:34 PM

The Muslims are not happy!
> >
> > They're not happy in Gaza .
> > They're not happy in Egypt .
> > They're not happy in Libya .
> > They're not happy in Morocco .
> > They're not happy in Iran .
> > They're not happy in Iraq .
> > They're not happy in Yemen .
> > They're not happy in Afghanistan .
> > They're not happy in Pakistan .
> > They're not happy in Syria .
> > They're not happy in Lebanon .
> >
> >
> > So, where are they happy?
> >
> > They're happy in Australia .
> > They're happy in Canada .
> > They're happy in England .
> > They're happy in France .
> > They're happy in Italy .
> > They're happy in Germany .
> > They're happy in Sweden .
> > They're happy in the USA .
> > They're happy in Norway .
> > They're happy in Holland .
> > They're happy in Denmark .
> >
> > Basically, they're happy in every country
> >
> > that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!
> >
> > And who do they blame?
> >
> > Not Islam.
> > Not their leadership.
> > Not themselves.
> >
> > THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES
> >
> > THEY ARE HAPPY IN!
> >
> > AND THEN; They want to change
> > those countries to be like....
> > THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM
> >
> > WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
> >
> >
> > Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
> >
> > How damn dumb can you get?
> >
>
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 22, 2012, 07:32:22 PM

Subject: Muslim Dilemma

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim
Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
-No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some idiot in a tower
- More than one wife
More than one mother in law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkey
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
Then they tell you that "when you die, it all gets better"??
Well no shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 22, 2012, 07:36:35 PM

The Queen & Dolly Go To Heaven!
Queen Elizabeth
And
Dolly Parton
Die on the same day and they both go
Before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.
Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,
So the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular Reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these,
They're the most perfect breasts God ever created,
And I'm sure it will please God to be able to see
Them every day, for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty
The same question. The Queen takes a bottle of
Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.

Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."
Dolly is out raged and asks, "What was that all about?
I show you two of God's own perfect creations and
You turn me down. She wees into a toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly" says the Angel, "but even in Heaven,
A Royal Flush
Beats a Pair -
No Matter How Big They Are.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 23, 2012, 09:12:32 AM

fter 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came in for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched–with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”

“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 23, 2012, 09:13:43 AM

She came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. The wife was VERY upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me - a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what happened"
"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair like them."

He took a quick breath and continued: She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said

"Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"

=

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 23, 2012, 07:21:52 PM

During a commercial airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms.

When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby...and he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing gum

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 24, 2012, 07:45:07 PM

Wisdom from an old Jewish man! Ahhhhh……the wisdom of the ages. .

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

The Journalist then asked: "How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 24, 2012, 07:47:40 PM

Dear Prime Minister The RT. Hon. David Cameron, MP.
I wish to ask you a Question:- "Is This True?"
I refer to the Pension Reality Check.
Are you aware of the following ?
The British Government provides the following financial assistance:-
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
(bearing in mind they worked hard and paid their Income Tax and
National Insurance contributions to the British Government all their
working life)
Weekly allowance: £106.00?
IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
(No Income Tax and National Insurance contribution whatsoever)
Weekly allowance: £250.00
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
Weekly Spouse Allowance: £25.00?
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Weekly Spouse Allowance: £225.00
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £0.00?
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
Additional Weekly Hardship Allowance: £100.00
A British old age pensioner is no less hard up than an illegal
immigrant/refugee yet receives nothing
BRITISH OLD AGED PENSIONER
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT £6,000?
ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS/REFUGEES LIVING IN BRITAIN
TOTAL YEARLY BENEFIT: £29,900
Please read all and then forward to all your contacts so that we can
lobby for a decent state pension..
After all, the average pensioner has paid taxes and contributed to the
growth of this country for the last 40 to 60 years.
Sad isn't it? Surely it's about time we put our own people first.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 24, 2012, 07:54:15 PM

I was chatting to this girl in the pub last night & telling her of my uncanny ability to be able to tell the day any woman was born by holding their breasts in my hands.

She thought I was having her on but was curious none the less. Eventually curiosity got the better of her & she said go on then give it a go!

I stood there feeling her breasts for about a minute before she could contain herself no longer & asked, "So go on when was I born then?"

I replied "Yesterday.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 24, 2012, 09:57:41 PM

*** 23 ADULT TRUTHS *** (the best is saved for last)

1. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Is learning cursive really necessary in today’s world?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind-of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day. [Like when you get there?]

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu-ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. [Mine does]

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Light than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option. [I think they now do.]

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

23. The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first “helmet” was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. [Ladies.....Quit Laughing.]

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 25, 2012, 12:24:23 PM

No Sex Tonight

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said “WHAT??!! What was that?!”

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

“You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man”.
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store.

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, “That’s fine, honey”.

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.
Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all
dear, let’s go to the cashier”.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel
like it”.

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled
“WHAT?”.

I then said “honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.”

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”.

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 26, 2012, 04:31:47 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Nobby on August 26, 2012, 05:17:39 PM

That rings a bell!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 28, 2012, 07:57:01 PM

After a relaxing bath, Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself naked in a mirror...remembering the time with Bill Clinton.

Her frustration over her inability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help..."God, if you
take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you," she prayed.

And just like that, her ears fell off!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 29, 2012, 07:05:10 PM

Drafting Guys Over 60 This is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier... New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35. For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy. Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry.' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for awhile.. An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like I said, I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch. If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser. Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling. They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... I've been in combat and never saw a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet. An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off Old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them. HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night! Send this to all of your senior friends...it's in big type so they can read it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 29, 2012, 07:06:53 PM

Tony and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because Tony watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on yet another holiday and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

Tony asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
Tony looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled Tony..
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Tony. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
Tony looked around and glanced nervously at Yvonne.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Tony
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

Tony glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your f*cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 30, 2012, 08:28:40 PM

I AM THANKFUL: FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT, BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA BEING A COUCH POTATO, BECAUSE HE IS HOME
WITH ME AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS.

FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES BECAUSE IT MEANS
SHE IS AT HOME, NOT ON THE STREETS.

FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM EMPLOYED .

FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS.

FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A
LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT.

FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE

FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME ..

FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

FOR THE PARKING SPOT I FIND AT THE
FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING AND I HAVE BEEN
BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION ..

FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM WARM.

FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I CAN HEAR.

FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR.

FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD.

FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE.

AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MANY E-MAILS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE FRIENDS WHO ARE
THINKING OF ME.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 31, 2012, 06:20:31 PM

The difference between heaven and hell:

Hell:

Where Brits Cook, French run the Railroads, and Germans are the Police.

Heaven:

Where French cook, Germans run the Railroad and Brits are the Police.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Nobby on August 31, 2012, 07:30:53 PM

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd
seen the Sydney Harbor and everything else but he wanted to
see the real Australia.
So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah.
There wasn't much to see. There was a drought on it was hot and
the wind was blowing dust everywhere.
He got off the train and made for the pub, sweating and
cursing as he swatted in vain at the clouds of files that
buzzed around him.
The pub's only customer a bloke in a blue singlet greeted him
with a G'day."
The American ordered a beer.
"Yank eh?" quizzed the aussie.
"Sure am buddy" the Yank replied.
"Waddya think of this part of Australia, yank?" the bloke asked.
"It's the goddamn asshol_e of the world," the Yank replied.
There was a five second pause as the local sucked on his smoke.
Then he asked, "You just passing through?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 01, 2012, 11:23:45 AM

There a posting for a cooked meat slicer for sale:

http://www.buriramexpats.com/forum/index.php/topic,6681.0/topicseen.html

Reminded me of the Pickle slicer:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess
to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 03, 2012, 08:37:32 PM

CAR KEYS

Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down.

I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot.

My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is that the car will be stolen.

As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; ( I always call him "honey" in times like these.)

"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kiddin' me", he barked, "I dropped you off"!!!!!!!

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop I didn't steal your car."

Yep it's the golden years................ :-

PS Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JimNasium on September 04, 2012, 09:36:21 AM

Quote from: TBWG on September 03, 2012, 08:37:32 PM

PS Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

Transportation Security Administration

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 04, 2012, 10:58:33 AM

Quote from: JimNasium on September 04, 2012, 09:36:21 AM

Quote from: TBWG on September 03, 2012, 08:37:32 PM
PS Before you ask I have no idea what a TSA is!

They are USA groppers that check you at airports.

Transportation Security Administration

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 06, 2012, 11:32:52 AM

The Dot l FINALLY, SOMEONE HAS CLEARED THIS UP . For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian embassy in London has recently revealed the true story.
When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a corner shop, a petrol station, a curry house, a taxi cab, or an old peoples home in the UK. If nothing is there, he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with BT technical advice.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on September 06, 2012, 02:30:52 PM

Saw an Indian lady on the tube and was worried she had died.

My pal pointed out the red dot on her forehead.

Seems she was just on standby.... redman

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 07, 2012, 10:15:29 PM

Found in an old joke book compiled in 1921 by Edward Clode:

A member of the faculty in a London medical college was appointed an honorary physician to the king. He proudly wrote a notice, on the blackboard in his class-room:

“Professor Jennings informs his students hat he has been appointed honorary physician to His Majesty, King George.”

When he returned to the class-room in the afternoon he found written below his notice this line:

“God save the King!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 08, 2012, 05:23:50 PM

> An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather (Abdullah) in a nursing home. All the Arab facilities were completely full, so they put him in an Italian home.
>
>
> After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Grandpa. "How do you like it here?" asked the grandson.
>
>
> "It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said grandpa.
>
>
> "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you, since you are a little different from everyone."
>
>
> "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents," Abdullah said with a big smile.
>
>
> There's a musician here - he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him “Maestro”!
>
>
> There is a judge in here - he's 95 years old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him “Your Honor”!
>
>
> There's a dentist here - 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him “Doctor”!
>
>
> And Me - I haven't had sex for 35 years, and they still call me “The Fu*king Arab”!
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 08, 2012, 09:35:07 PM

When Bill Met The Parents

One evening Mr. Rodham was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He’d toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, Hillary came home with her new boyfriend, a boy named Bill. After being informed of the problem,
Bill said he could get the peanut out..

The Bill told Mr. Rodham to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up Mr. Rodham’s nose and told him to blow hard.

When Mr. Rodham blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and dHillary jumped and yelled for joy.

The young Bill insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to Mr. Rodham and said, ‘That’s so wonderful! Isn’t that Bill smart? What do you think he’s going to be when he grows older?’

Mr. Rodham replied, ‘From the smell of his fingers, I would say our son-in-law.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 14, 2012, 03:08:58 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 15, 2012, 01:15:53 PM

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on September 16, 2012, 06:36:17 PM

New UK tax disc:-

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 16, 2012, 10:03:10 PM

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an
early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for
Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight
line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose
what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top
of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be
measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked
Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who,
when asked where he would like to be measured replied,
'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider,
explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had
received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him
providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,'
which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip
of the Chief's weenie and began to work back. "Dear Lord!", he
suddenly exclaimed,

''Where are your testicles?''

The old Chief calmly replied, '' Vietnam ''.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 17, 2012, 09:10:43 AM

Last night, my wife and I decided to do a little role play in the bedroom. As I was lying in bed waiting for her, she came out of the bathroom, wearing smoking hot lingerie.

"Tonight, I want you to treat me like I'm your whore", she said. "And who do you you wanna be", she asked me.

"Jack the Ripper", I replied.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 18, 2012, 03:26:34 PM

A business man was walking down the street when he was

accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless

man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,

"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it

instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said..

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?"

the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played

golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead,

I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner

cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious

with you for doing that?

The man replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for

her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking,

fishing and golf.."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 20, 2012, 05:36:33 PM

Inner Peace: This is so true
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without alcohol,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

...Then You Are Probably .........

Wait for it....

The Family Dog!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 22, 2012, 10:45:25 PM

A Mexican (an undocumented Democrat), an African, who was black, a Muslim,
> and a Redneck, who was white, were walking together on a beach when the
> African, who was black, stumbled over a bottle in the sand.
>
> He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off, and a Genie appeared. "I can
> only grant four wishes," said the Genie. "Since there are four of you, you
> may each have a wish."
>
> Pointing at the African, who was black, he said, "Since you found the
> bottle, you may have the first wish."
>
> The African, who was black, thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a
> fleet of ships so that I can gather all black African Americans and take
> them all back to our homeland, Africa."
>
> Poof! Thousands of huge container ships appeared on the horizon.
>
> The Mexican said, "I weesh for plenty Chebby-peekups to take all my people
> back to our homeland, May-he-co."
>
> Poof! 40 million new Chevrolet trucks appeared on the beach.
>
> The Muslim said, "I wish for one million flying camels to take each Muslim
> away from this horrible country loaded with infidels. We want to return to
> Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Pakistan, Africa, and Iran."
>
> Poof! One million saddled flying camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
> Turning to the Redneck, who was white, the Genie asked, "And what is your
> wish?
>
> The Redneck, who was white, watched as the loaded pickups began moving
> toward the border; and he looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships
> sailing into the sunset; and he looked at all of the Muslims climbing on top
> of the flying camels.
>
> Then he answered. "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than
> this."
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 23, 2012, 05:33:38 PM

From:
An Obituary printed in the LondonTimes.....Absolutely Brilliant ! WORTH REPEATING

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
I Know My Rights
I Want It Now
Someone Else Is To Blame
I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 26, 2012, 04:18:25 PM

What's all the Huss? Soldiers from D Squadron The King's Royal Hussars pose in front of tanks..

Support for Prince Harry!

Title: Why you should wear a tie
Post by: John the Traveller on September 27, 2012, 06:17:09 PM

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped......

"They won't let me in without a tie!

Inshallah JT sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 27, 2012, 08:50:13 PM

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter,

I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb..Test line.
It's a good all around combination, and it's actually on sale this week for $44."

She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts..

At first she's really embarrassed, but then realises there is no way

the blind salesman would tell exactly who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

"Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44. How did you get $58.50?"

"The Duck Caller is $11, and the Fish Bait is $3.50

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 28, 2012, 06:25:48 PM

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a Muslim man who was wearing a turban eating fresh shrimp.
> >
> > Every time he ate one he spat the tail in her direction, requiring her to deflect it.
> >
> > Eventually she had enough and pulled the Emergency Cord.
> >
> > The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing that, you stupid Catholic bitch!
> >
> > She laughed and said, "When I cry 'rape' and they smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel-headed
> > Camel-SOB"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 28, 2012, 09:26:48 PM

New Australian Telephone Greeting:
Wouldn't it be amazing, if this were to be introduced in Europe!

'GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO "CENTRELINK" THE AUSTRALIAN SOCIAL SERVICES AND BENEFITS OFFICE'

"Press '1' if you speak English." ''Press ''2'' to disconnect until you can." Have a nice day.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 29, 2012, 03:36:46 AM

DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one rag head terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:
'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 29, 2012, 07:19:06 PM

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, ‘Notice anything different about me?’

Margaret looked him over. ‘Nope.’

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, ‘Notice anything different NOW?’

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, ‘Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow!’

Furious, Bert yelled, ‘AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?’

‘Nope’, she replied.

‘IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!’

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 30, 2012, 04:17:24 PM

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off..

(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm.......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2012, 02:23:37 AM

David Cameron was visiting a Glasgow primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Cameron if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy.'

'Incorrect,' said Cameron, 'that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy.'

'I'm afraid not', explained Cameron, 'that's what we would refer to as a great loss'.

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Cameron searched the room.

'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand and said, 'If a plane carrying you, Mr. Clegg and Mr. Osborne was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic' exclaimed Cameron, 'and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'

'Well', said Johnny, 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2012, 02:26:24 AM

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2012, 02:26:57 AM

Students at a local school were assigned to read two books,

'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.

One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

His cool professor gave him an A for this report.

Titanic: cost - $29.99
Clinton: cost - $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewellery
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton remembers Monica for the rest of his life.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2012, 02:29:08 AM

WHITE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date:
You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date:
You get to have sex but only when she wants to and only in the missionary position.

SCOTTISH WOMEN:

First Date:
You both get blinding drunk and have sex.
Second Date:
You both get blinding drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary:
You both get blinding drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date:
You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date:
You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary:
You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary:
You find yourself a Mistress.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date:
You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date:
You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date:
You don't even get to the third date and you realize nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date:
You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date:
You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date:
You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date:
She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date:
You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in One week later, her mother, father, her two sisters, her brother, all of their kids, her grandma, her sister's boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You spend all your money to impress her.
Second Date: You take a loan to keep the image
Third Date: You're broke, she finds someone wealthier

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire Arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead in the street and your balls are fed to the goats.
No third date:
THAI WOMEN:

First Date: You stick your hands down her pants and find a 10 dick
Second Date: Arraigned for murder
Third Date: Convicted
Fourth Date: Executed

The POINT?

'DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SCOTTISH WOMEN?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2012, 02:30:28 AM

An atheist was walking through the woods.

'What majestic trees!
'What powerful rivers!
'What beautiful animals!
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground.

He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him...

At that instant the Atheist cried out,
'Oh my God!'

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?

Am I to count you as a believer?

The atheist looked directly into the light, 'It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian'?

'Very well,' said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
'For what I am about to receive, may the Lord make me truly thankful, Amen.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 03, 2012, 12:01:30 AM

'Vigara' is now available
in powder form
for your tea.

It doesn't enhance your sexual performance
but it does stop your biscuit going soft

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 04, 2012, 10:20:06 AM

In South Los Angeles, a 4-plex home was destroyed by a fire. A Mexican family of six, all welfare recipients and gang members, lived on the first floor, they died. An Islamic group of seven welfare cheats, all illegally in the country from Kenya, lived on the second floor. And they, too, all perished in the fire.

6 LA, Hispanic, Gang Bangers, & ex-cons, who lived on the 3rd floor died too.

A lone, white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

President Obama was furious!! He flew into LA and met with the fire chief, on camera and then loudly demanded to know, ‘Why have the Blacks, Muslims and Hispanics, all died in the fire and why only the White couple lived?’

The Fire Chief said, "They were at work"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on October 04, 2012, 04:08:05 PM

^^ good one Urleft :D

The first day at his new school in Sydney
Mohammed entered his classroom.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammed".... answered the kid.
"This is Australia and there is no Mohammed, from now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home.
"How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammed, we are in Australia and now my name is Bruce" said the boy.

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your
parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you," and she beat him.

Then she called his father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school.
When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked:
"What happened to you little Bruce?"

"Well, Miss, 6 hours after becoming an Australian, I was attacked by two f..in’ Arabs!..."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on October 04, 2012, 04:14:24 PM

Over to you Tony thumbup

JT sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on October 04, 2012, 04:15:41 PM

Your a terror DJ ! :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2012, 05:42:42 PM

Hi IT

This thread was started over 2 years ago has over 500 posts and more than 30,000 views.

During that time the p*ss has been taken out of all nationalities, religions, ethnic groups etc but you are the first one to find it offensive.

It is posted in the entertainment section and the very nature of a joke means someone, something has to be the butt of the joke if you find it offensive perhaps you should refrain from looking at the thread!

Alternatively you are welcome to join in the spirit of it and post jokes yourself.

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2012, 05:45:10 PM

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.
So I bought her some scales.

Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. .. .
I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 04, 2012, 05:47:59 PM

A Muslim Dies And Goes Up To Heaven

A Muslim dies and goes up to heaven. He's stopped at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who says "Sorry, but we don't allow Muslims into Heaven!"

"What?" replies the Muslim, "Why not?"

"Well, we just don't!"

The Muslim complains and carries on until Saint Peter gets fed up, "Well," says Saint Peter, "have you ever done anything good in you life?"

"Erm ..." the Muslim replies, "yeah, just the other day a lady stopped me on the street collecting for a children's charity so I gave her ten dollars. Then last week I also donated ten dollars to the American Cancer Society. Plus a couple of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him ten dollars too!"

"Alrighty then," says Saint Peter, "let me go and have a quick word with God."

Five minutes later Saint Peter returns and says to the Muslim, "Listen, I've spoken with God and He agrees with me - here's your 30 bucks back, now f*#k off!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 04, 2012, 05:53:06 PM

At the World Women's Conference, the first speaker from England stood up:

"At last year's conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."

The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Italy stood up:
"After last year's conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2012, 05:56:01 PM

A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay. He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.

I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs..
The birds love it!

The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits.
From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.

Husband says to wife My Olympic condoms have arrived I think Ill wear gold tonight.
Wife says, Why dont you wear silver and come second for a change.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guys heading for a breakdown.

On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said English speaking Doctor
I thought, 'What a good idea, why dont we have them in our country?'

The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night.
To be fair the audience did try to warn him

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on October 04, 2012, 06:38:43 PM

Vestra frui vita Tony et non vastate nostra.
I ,of course, don't have to explain that to you do I ITALIAN Tony!
I suggest you follow the thought as we are all tired of you.
Ciao,
Gianni

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 04, 2012, 07:43:16 PM

Because there are no Mosques in Venice , The Government has allowed the Italian Muslims to pray in the streets.

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Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: mike on October 04, 2012, 07:55:54 PM

It seems that we do not have to worry about offending Tony with racist jokes, especially as it seems he is a self-proclaimed racist himself.

IT - it is not my intention to offend you and if it does then perhaps you could explain to me how your statement could not be construed as being racist.

Quote from: Italiantony on September 30, 2012, 12:17:02 PM

Quote from: CO-CO on September 30, 2012, 10:47:03 AM
Are you not a fan of America/Americans, Tony ?
No i am not a fan of America.
America has turned into a despicable country,and has a following of robotic mind controlled fools.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 04, 2012, 08:04:56 PM

Can we please keep this place for fun and piss take. buttslap

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2012, 08:44:08 PM

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest p*nis she had ever laid her hands on.

I said "You're pulling my leg"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 05, 2012, 08:08:35 PM

got an email from a bud in Alabama:

I finally got around to going fishing this mornin but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: John the Traveller on October 05, 2012, 09:12:23 PM

Well Urleft that's a smart "Bama" snake................. :D :D :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 06, 2012, 06:23:32 PM

THESE ARE INSTRUCTIONS HANDED OUT TO ALL OFFICERS AT C.I.D COURSES AND ANTI-TERRORISTS COURSES IN THE BEDFORDSHIRE FORCE/SERVICE
UK’s Bedfordshire Police’s rules regarding terrorists and dangerous criminals
If they’re non-Muslim
• Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with minimum resistance
• Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and arrest suspects accordingly.
If they’re Muslim:
• Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
• Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
• Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
• Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case of capturing women in inappropriate dress.
• If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer.
They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
• Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
• The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and transparent.
• Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without permission.
• Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.
With this continuing appeasement, no wonder it’s now predicted that
Britain will become an Islamic state by 2070.
(Time to think about your children.)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Italiantony on October 06, 2012, 07:36:30 PM

Quote from: TBWG on October 06, 2012, 06:23:32 PM

THESE ARE INSTRUCTIONS HANDED OUT TO ALL OFFICERS AT C.I.D COURSES AND ANTI-TERRORISTS COURSES IN THE BEDFORDSHIRE FORCE/SERVICE
UK’s Bedfordshire Police’s rules regarding terrorists and dangerous criminals
If they’re non-Muslim
• Consider the most opportune time of day to be able to arrest suspects with minimum resistance
• Apply all necessary force to enter the premises and arrest suspects accordingly.
If they’re Muslim:
• Community leaders must be consulted before raids into Muslim houses.
• Officers must not search occupied bedrooms and bathrooms before dawn.
• Use of police dogs will be considered serious desecration of the premises.
• Cameras and camcorders should not be used in case of capturing women in inappropriate dress.
• If people are praying at home officers should stand aside and not disrupt the prayer.
They should be allowed the opportunity to finish.
• Officers should take their shoes off before raiding a Muslim house.
• The reasons for pre-dawn raids on Muslim houses needs to be clear and transparent.
• Officers must not touch holy books or religious artefacts without permission.
• Muslim prisoners should be allowed to take additional clothing to the station.
With this continuing appeasement, no wonder it’s now predicted that
Britain will become an Islamic state by 2070.
(Time to think about your children.)

Maybe it's a good idea for all of us to convert to Islam,especially if your a criminal.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 06, 2012, 07:41:29 PM

IT it obviously pays ~~~ Last time I went to USA it took about a month to get a visa and I travelled riff raff class!

Some people get instant acceptance and private jets. Where have I gone wrong ? Think I know the answer to that!

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Italiantony on October 06, 2012, 07:56:10 PM

Quote from: TBWG on October 06, 2012, 07:41:29 PM

IT it obviously pays ~~~ Last time I went to USA it took about a month to get a visa and I travelled riff raff class!

Some people get instant acceptance and private jets. Where have I gone wrong ? Think I know the answer to that!

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

You forgot to add free room and board for life.
Also free medical care.
It seems turning to Islam is the way forward.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 07, 2012, 01:04:42 AM

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a
couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful,
and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth
more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I
have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a
baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it
might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I
think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

Case closed.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 07, 2012, 01:07:58 AM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave..

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'You’re Jewish, Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... At my age, I'm telling everybody!'

Trip to the Brothel
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet...

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 08, 2012, 02:01:31 AM

Another Famous American converts to Islam ...
It was announced today that Buckwheat,OfOur Gang fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat.
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 09, 2012, 05:02:11 PM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when
she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 09, 2012, 05:10:23 PM

Sometimes, we try
Too hard to get to the greener grass.
In the process, we end
Up in trouble.

And when you find yourself in troubleAnd you're stuck in a
Situation that you can't get out of, There is one thing you
Should always remember that not everyone who shows up...

Is there to help you!!!!

That is the end of today’s lesson

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on October 09, 2012, 10:21:50 PM

runningdog

I went down to the Benefits Office this morning to sign up my Dog.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit".

I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

The UK is a great country.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 11, 2012, 01:27:19 PM

Some Police don't get it. You can't be using radar guns around a USMC or Naval air base.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar Naval Air Station. One of the officers was using a hand held radar gun to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the F-18 Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment. The Hornet automatically sent a jamming signal back to your radar gun, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the perceived hostile radar position.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 11, 2012, 06:40:04 PM

> A cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name.

> 'Fred,' he replies.

> 'Fred what?' the officer asks.

> 'Just Fred,' the man responds.

> The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a break and, write him out a warning instead of

> a ticket.The officer then presses him for the last name.

> The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands

> but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

> The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.

> When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency,

> and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Johnson, MD.

> After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.

> Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.

> Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was

> Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

> Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS..

> Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD,

> so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD.

> Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

> The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on October 11, 2012, 07:34:47 PM

The BBC News channel just displayed images of the three women who claimed that Jimmy Savile interfered with them sexually.

They showed a current picture of each of the women and a picture taken of each of them from the 1970s.

The caption read:-

Now, then. Now, then. Now, then

Title: Great wife...not!
Post by: John the Traveller on October 12, 2012, 07:38:25 AM

A retired gentlemen went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks. The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed his Social Security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 13, 2012, 10:47:32 PM

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one
with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f........ difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today
we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked
for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful'
in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father
bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f..... beautiful!''

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f......... business.

You gotta LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 15, 2012, 09:27:26 AM

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Vigra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"£7. A pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found £107 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was £7, not £107.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 15, 2012, 09:34:07 AM

A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note on email'.
Bosses wife read the mail and filed a divorce in court The mails says: 'Your
penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night.
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm strokes.
Initially its tip was to be licked to bring to working order & it is equally
good on both sides.
I loved its perfect size and grip.
Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish.
At last it is mine and mine for ever.
Thanks a lot"

Moral: space is an essential part in English.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: nookiebear on October 15, 2012, 03:46:02 PM

As I entered my 15 year old daughters bedroom I tripped over an 8 inch long brown object with a wet end.Shocked & disgusted I confronted her when she came in from school.'What do you call that?'I asked.Ashamed she replied 'Sorry Dad,its my vibrator'.'Thank fcuk for that' I replied,'I thought it was Jimmy Saville's cigar!!!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 16, 2012, 08:22:11 PM

Drinking and Driving

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the various social sessions over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks in Pattaya with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a good idea. Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a taxi home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise.

I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 16, 2012, 08:29:47 PM

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
> The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
>
> Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
>
> OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
>
> "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
>
> A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
>
> The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
>
> The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
>
> After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
>
> So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to t his?"
>
> Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
>
> "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence ."
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 19, 2012, 09:34:52 PM

Late one night in Washington, D.C., a mugger jumped a well-dressed man and held a gun to his ribs.

"Give me your money!" he demanded.

The man stiffened, but said indignantly, "You can not do this to me ? I am a U. S. Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me my money!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 19, 2012, 09:35:20 PM

Comedians in Chief

- When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer “present” or “not guilty”. Teddy Roosevelt.

- One day, first Lady Eleanor Roosevelt visited a penitentiary. When FDR asked where she was, he was told, “She’s in prison.” “I’m not surprised” Roosevelt responded. “But what for?” Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

- “I don’t know whether it’s the finest public housing in America or the crown jewel of the American penal system.” Bill Clinton on the White House.

- “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” Jimmy Carter

- “If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read “President Can’t Swim”. Lyndon Johnson

- During a state visit to Great Britain, President Ronald Reagan purportedly went horseback riding with Queen Elizabeth. At one point, one of the horses passed gas quite loudly. The queen apologized, saying, “there are some things even royalty can’t control.” Reagan replied, “I’m glad you told me, or I would have thought it was the horse.” Ronald Reagan

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Alan on October 20, 2012, 06:10:02 AM

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... The Magic Penis!'

The husband said, 'The what'?

The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'

The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, door!'

The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.

Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.

The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.

After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said: 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'

The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'

The rest, as they say, is history ... ... ...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Prakhonchai Nick on October 20, 2012, 06:23:24 AM

The Defective Parrot.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way.

I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies.

'You actually understood and answered me. !'

'I got every word,' says the parrot.

'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks.

'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook.

You can't see it, because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy.

'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology.

You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag.

'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet.

You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!'

The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by.

The parrot is sensational.

He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing.

'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the Austpost man.'

'What are you talking about,?' asks the guy.

'When he delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously.

'THEN what happened?'

'Well, he came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?'

'Yes.

Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?'

DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 20, 2012, 11:20:01 AM

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a dating agency...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69

Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."
Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"
Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish submariners were amazed to find that the Titanics swimming pool was still full.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 20, 2012, 12:54:14 PM

Husband Store vs. Wife Store
These should exist, no?

THE HUSBAND STORE

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband...

On each floor the signs on the doors read:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!” Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,261,496,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

THE WIFE STORE

Floor 1 - has wives that love sex.

Floor 2 - has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 21, 2012, 10:31:19 AM

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the
candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to
the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
candles"

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question
had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about
all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of
holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the
know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins
from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up
all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year
they send us a complete dick."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:50:44 PM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1

Partners help each other undress before sex.

However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats".

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story: "Hard work is never appreciated.

NO UNDERWEAR - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.

The old man looked off in the distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well ... .last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE

1. Money can not buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole’s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.

THERE YOU HAVE IT .....AND REMEMBER, "LIFE IS GOOD".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:53:37 PM

BEER BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.'
--Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.'
--Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think this is very funny.'
--Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.'
--Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much.
--Sarah, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.'
--Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.'
--Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.'
--Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.'

--Jack, 7 years

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:54:44 PM

This indeed is worrisome

Beer contains female hormones.
Last month, Sydney University and CSIRO scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.

The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8) Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary.

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:56:39 PM

In hindsight, I should probably have written on Facebook, "I've blown the head gasket on my 1998 Ford XR3," rather than, "I've just f**ked my fourteen year-old escort."

The police still haven't seen the funny side of it, and they've confiscated my laptop. However, the news isn't all bad; the wife has gone to stay with her mother.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:57:47 PM

TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story - possibly)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 10:05:27 PM

Subject:

WOW! Read This. This is One ticked off Lady!! !

FANBLOODYTASTIC

Thought you might like to read this letter to the editor of a British national newspaper. Ever notice how some people just seem to know how to write a letter?.
Here is a woman who should run for Prime Minister!

Written by a housewife, to her daily newspaper. This is one ticked off lady..

'Are we fighting a war on terror or aren't we? Was it or was it not started by Islamic people who brought it to our shores in July 2002, and in New York Sept 11 2001 and have continually threatened to do so since?

Were people from all over the world, not brutally murdered that day in Washington, and in downtown Manhattan , and in a field in Pennsylvania ?

Did nearly three thousand men, women and children die a horrible, burning or crushing death that day, or didn't they?

And I'm supposed to care that a few Taliban were claiming to be tortured by a justice system of the nation they come from and are fighting against in a brutal insurgency.

I'll care about the Koran when the fanatics in the Middle East start caring about the Holy Bible, the mere belief of which is a crime punishable by beheading in Afghanistan

I'll care when these thugs tell the world they are sorry for hacking off Nick Berg's head while Berg screamed through his gurgling slashed throat.

I'll care when the cowardly so-called 'insurgents' in Afghanistan come out and fight like men instead of disrespecting their own religion by hiding in mosques and behind women and children.

I'll care when the mindless zealots who blow themselves up in search of Nirvana care about the innocent children within range of their suicide bombs.

I'll care when the British media stops pretending that their freedom of speech on stories is more important than the lives of the soldiers on the ground or their families waiting at home to hear about them when something happens.

In the meantime, when I hear a story about a British soldier roughing up an Insurgent terrorist to obtain information, know this:

I don't care.

When I see a wounded terrorist get shot in the head when he is told not to move because he might be booby-trapped, you can take this to the bank:

I don't care.

When I hear that a prisoner - who was issued a Koran and a prayer mat, and 'fed special food' that is paid for by my taxes - is complaining that his holy book is being 'mishandled,' you can absolutely believe in your heart of hearts:

I don't care.

And oh, by the way, I've noticed that sometimes it's spelled 'Koran' and other times 'Quran.' Well, believe me!! you guessed it .......

I don't care!!

If you agree with this viewpoint, pass this on to all your E-mail friends. Sooner or later, it'll get to the people responsible for this ridiculous Behaviour!

If you don't agree, then by all means hit the delete button. Should you choose the latter, then please don't complain when more atrocities committed by radical Muslims happen here in our great country! And may I add:

'Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. Our soldiers don't have that problem.'

I have another quote that I would like to add, AND.......I hope you forward all this.

Only six defining forces have ever offered to die for you:

1. Jesus Christ

2. The British Soldier.

3. The Canadian Soldier.

4. The US Soldier

5. The New Zealand Soldier

6. The Australian Soldier

One died for your soul, the other 5 for your freedom.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO PASS THIS ON, AS MANY SEEM TO FORGET ABOUT ALL OF THEM.

AMEN!

GIVE THIS LADY A STANDING OVATION. SHE HAS INDEED TICKED ALL THE BOXES Isn't it interesting that so many people in the Western World feel this way, but not one of our politicians, who are supposed to represent us, ever have the guts to state the situation like it is ???
We do not have strong politicians, just weaklings that bend in the wind

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 23, 2012, 11:54:48 AM

Quote from: TBWG on October 22, 2012, 09:57:47 PM

TRUE STORY FROM Rolls Royce's OWN MAGAZINE

Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist! (true story - possibly)

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the Windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.

Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:

"Defrost the chicken."

What a fowl weapon.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 24, 2012, 08:08:05 PM

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO
> > HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
> >
> >
> > AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL
> > >
> >
> > THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER
> > MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL
> > IN EACH BED.
> >
> > THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK; I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON
> > THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'
> >
> > THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND
> > TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN
> > SAYS,
> >
> > 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'
> >
> > 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'
> >
> > 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'
> > HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'A WITCH? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'
> >
> >
> > 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE
> > HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK
> > MY TEETH WITH HER!'
> >
> >
> >
> >

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on October 24, 2012, 09:21:15 PM

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer..

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 27, 2012, 11:12:07 AM

Men - Translations

“I’M GOING FISHING” Means: “I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”

“IT’S A GUY THING” Means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”

“CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?” Means: “Why isn’t dinner already on the table?”

“UH HUH,” “SURE, HONEY,” OR “YES, DEAR...” Means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.

“IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN” Means: “I have no idea how it works.”

“I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT’S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND.” Means: “I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra.”

“TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU ARE WORKING TOO HARD.” Means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”

“THAT’S INTERESTING, DEAR.” Means: “Are you still talking?”

“YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS.” Means: “I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”

“I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES.” Means: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”

“OH, DON’T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT’S NO BIG DEAL.” Means: “I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”

“HEY, I’VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I’M DOING.” Means: “And I sure hope I think of some pretty good reasons soon.”

“I CAN’T FIND IT.” Means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”

“WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?” Means: “What did you catch me at?”

“I HEARD YOU.” Means: “I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”

“YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE” Means: “I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”

“YOU LOOK TERRIFIC.” Means: “”Please don’t try on one more outfit, I’m starving.”

“I’M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE.” Means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”

I must say I resemble a lot of these, especially the outstretched hands translation.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 08:26:48 PM

Single Black Female

This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

Love the response this ad got!!

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.... Call (404) 875-6420and ask for Annie, I'll be waiting.....

Over 150 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 08:58:14 PM

CHINESE WISDOM

Woman asks:

If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a slut.

But when a man sleeps with 10 girls, everyone

calls him a real man. How come?

Man replies:

It's very simple.

Confucius say 'When one lock can be opened by 3

different keys, it's a bad lock.

But when one key can open 10 different locks, we

call it a master key!'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 09:00:26 PM

This is forwarded purely for its literary merit. Please don't shoot the messenger

He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again. Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now. Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!

"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the f**king car yourself you SMUG BASTARD!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 09:03:49 PM

Some Bitch looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"
>
> I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.
>
> She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut,
> you'd look pretty good."
>
> I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.
>
> I said to her, "Nice legs."
>
> The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."
>
> I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now. "
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a
> woman was born just by feeling their breasts.
>
> "Really" she said, "Go on then... try."
>
> After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.
>
> "Come on, what day was I born"?
>
> I said, "Yesterday."
>
>
>
>
> ***
>
> "Jesus loves you."
>
> A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.
>
>
>
> ***
>
> I got caught taking a leak in the local swimming pool today.
>
> The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.
>
>
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 09:04:55 PM

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Jonathan Ross has been accused
of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross said it was a whisk he was prepared to take..
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway.
Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo
with blood pouring from them..
"B*ll*ks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new
drug for depressed lesbians.. It's called Trydixagain.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
8 illegal immigrants were suffocated in the back of
a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 30, 2012, 07:57:43 PM

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived inScotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy
knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 30, 2012, 08:08:59 PM

UPDATE ON MY FRIENDS SURGERY
.
I tried to keep this a secret, but somehow the
news leaked out about it, so I thought I had
better tell everyone.
.
Dear Family and Friends,
.
Most of you know my friend went in for a surgical
procedure an -
Arse Lift.
She didn't have the
most pleasant experience. She should've left
well enough alone.
.
I wanted to show you how it turned out. I
hope this keeps YOU from having this done.
.
Please, PLEASE, PLEASE . . . don't get an
Arse Lift. You will most certainly regret it!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 30, 2012, 08:50:52 PM

Quote from: TBWG on October 29, 2012, 09:00:26 PM

This is forwarded purely for its literary merit. Please don't shoot the messenger

He was in ecstasy and a huge smile spread across his face as his girlfriend moved slowly forwards and then backwards again. Forwards then backwards. Back and forth. Back and forth. In and out. In and out. Her heart was pounding faster now. Her face was flushed and she moaned, softly at first, then progressively louder. Finally, exhausted, she let out one almighty scream, then sighed heavily and relaxed her vice-like grip!!!

"Oh! Okay! You'd better park the f**king car yourself you SMUG BASTARD!"

I believe there is a video of her parking, not the elapsed time:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTKFaBvW6oc&noredirect=1 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LTKFaBvW6oc&noredirect=1)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 31, 2012, 07:35:23 PM

CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.

The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.

He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.

The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..

True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.

Confronting Him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings!'.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.

'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on October 31, 2012, 07:49:12 PM

Keeping with the horse theme .... and Australia's Melbourne Cup is next week .........

Riding the favorite in the Melbourne Cup, the jockey is well ahead of the field.

Suddenly he’s hit on the head by a turkey and a string of sausages.

He manages to keep control of his mount and pulls back into the lead, only to be struck by a box of Christmas crackers and a dozen mince pies as the round the final bend.

With great skill he manages to steer the horse to the front of the field once more when, on the run in, he’s struck on the head by a bottle of sherry and a Christmas pudding.

Thus distracted, he succeeds in only coming second.

He immediately goes to the stewards to complain that he has been seriously ‘hampered?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 02, 2012, 09:35:43 PM

While hiking along the white cliffs of Dover this morning, I noticed a
Muslim extremist slip from the cliffs and fall into the English channel .
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives
he had been carrying. If he didn't get help he would surely drown.

Being a responsible Brit and abiding by the law of the land, that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed Kent Police, the
life boat rescue squad and the home office.
It's now 16.00 he has drowned and none of the authorities have responded.
I'm starting to think I've wasted 3 stamps

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 05, 2012, 07:53:36 PM

Subject: Building Permit

I just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It was going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at
various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside
entertainment sound system.

It would have parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it bright
purple with pink trim.

The City Council told me to f*** off.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a Mosque.

Work starts on Monday!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 05, 2012, 07:56:29 PM

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!!
>
> Cab driver picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
>
> She asks him why he is staring.
> He replies: "I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you"
>
> She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
>
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
>
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!
> "OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
>
> The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
> But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
> "My dear child," said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
> "Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish."
> The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 07, 2012, 09:22:42 PM

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's
And shyly walked up to
The woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. "
"What type of bra?"
Asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?"

"Look around,"
Said the saleslady,
As she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color
And material imaginable!

"Actually,
Even with all of this variety,
There are really only
Four types of bras to choose from ."
Relieved, the man asked
About the types.
The saleslady replied:
"There are the Catholic,
The Salvation Army,
The Presbyterian,
And the Baptist types.
Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled,
The man asked about
The differences between them.
The Saleslady responded,
"It is all really quite simple. .

The Catholic type
Supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."

Have you ever wondered why
A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H
are the letters used
To define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why,
But couldn't figure out
What the letters stood for,
It is about time
You became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!....
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!......
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen
And I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra.
Holtzemfromfloppen

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 07, 2012, 09:32:26 PM

THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY who I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED..
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 07, 2012, 09:37:45 PM

My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this note, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset; I shall be home before midnight.

When the man came home late that night, he found the following note on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your note and thank you for your honesty about my being 57 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 57 a lot more times than 57 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 09, 2012, 09:39:36 PM

Ole won a fishing boat in a raffle drawing in a small upstate
Minnesota town.

He brought it home and Lena looks at him and says, "Vot da heck you gonna do vit dat. Dere ain't no water deep enough ta float a boat widin 50 miles uv here."

Ole says, "I vun it and I'ma gonna keep it."

Sven came over to visit several days later. He sees Lena and asks where Ole is.

She says, "He's out dere in his fishin boat," pointing to the
field behind the house.

Sven heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in a fishing boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
a big field.

He yells out to him, "Vot da heck are you doing out dere?"

Ole replies, "I'ma fishin'. Vot da heck duz it look like I'ma
doing?"

Sven yells back, "It's a people lika you that give people from
Norvay a bad name; make everybody tink we are stoopid. If I cud
svim, I'd come out dere and kick yor ass."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 10, 2012, 12:51:49 PM

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 11, 2012, 11:06:35 AM

The US standard railroad gauge is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?
Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did “they” use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for! an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever

So the next time you are handed a spec and told we have always done it that way and wonder what horse’s ass came up with that, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman war chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.

Now the twist to the story…

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site.

The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is bout as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 11, 2012, 08:38:03 PM

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair
styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there?
It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Air Canada ," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

" Air Canada ?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive,
but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a
million other people trying to see him. He'll look
the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Air Canada 's brand new planes,
but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to
first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and
I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited
on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a
£5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel,
the finest hotel in the city. They too, were
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well
and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we
toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me
on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes
to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind
as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down
and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said:

"Who the x did your hair?”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 11, 2012, 08:44:18 PM

Subject: FW: Southern knowledge
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Alabama
>
>
> A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
>
>
>
> "Where's Henry?" the others asked.
>
>
>
> "Henry had a stroke o' some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.
>
>
>
> "You left Henry layin' out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
>
> "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's gonna steal Henry!"
>
>
>
> Georgia
>
> The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
>
>
>
> He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
>
>
>
> The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
>
>
>
>
>
> Louisiana
>
> A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .."
>
> When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
>
>
> Mississippi
>
> The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
>
> Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
>
> The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
>
>
> North Carolina
>
> A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
>
>
>
> A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
>
> The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
>
>
>
> The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
>
>
>
> The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
>
>
>
> Tennessee
>
> A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
>
> The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
>
>
> Texas
>
> The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
>
>
>
> "Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
>
>
> ***
>
> Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South, but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.
>
>
>
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 11, 2012, 08:47:06 PM

The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.

"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency! I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."

Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in from Mexico ..."

Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK?"

Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches wide. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."

Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches wide, exactly as requested... all coloured with Union Jacks with small writing on each one:

’MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL’

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of s*x.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 14, 2012, 09:25:16 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Asda.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Asda:

Dear Mrs. Harris ,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris , are listed below and are "documented by our video surveillance cameras":

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

One of the Staff passed out.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 14, 2012, 09:28:25 PM

ty - LETTER TO DAVID CAMERON & ED MILLIBAND

To David Cameron (Prime Minister) & Ed Milliband (Leader of the Opposition) ...

You BOTH Worry me ! ( In fact both of your Political parties worry the hell out of me !!!)

Over the last three years, I find myself becoming more and more fearful of the pair of you, and between you, you are turning this country into a place that I no longer feel at home in, or feel a part of! I watch you in parliament, and no, not just the two of you, but every politician that I see, stand up in parliament sneering at each other, and acting like children !!! (..and if you were my children, I would be ashamed of you all ... What an example to set!)

Although you would like us all to believe that you are putting the needs of this country at the forefront, NEITHER of you are doing that, you seem more interested in "one-up-manship ", in scoring off each other, & denigrating each other, to the detriment of this country & its people !!! It seems to be all about YOU as individuals, and not about what you can DO for this country !
It is fast becoming a place that I do not recognize, as the place I always thought, was the best place in the world to be !!! But no longer !!!

You are not listening to the people of this country !!!
I am watching the deterioration of living standards in this country, (and according to you, on a world stage we are doing better than most countries ... REALLY ???) ... And yet the gap is widening between the "haves" and the "have-nots" . I see our homeless on the streets, our hospitals under-funded, and understaffed, our health system is an absolute mess and a disgrace ... And yet I see multi-millions of dollars being sent offshore, in aid to other countries, before attending to this country's needs !

I see the "selling off of water rights to foreign interests, WHY...? Especially when you go to great lengths to tell us that water is a finite resource, & supposedly, we must ALL be careful with how we use it, so that we ensure we have it for the future ? A Carbon Tax,( which you KNOW is just another tax ) which will make NO appreciable difference, to carbon emissions, AT ALL!
A tax, which in spite of all your arguments FOR it, you are doing alone, when other major countries will NOT & DO NOT embrace it, or believe in it !

All that it will do for this country is put working families and small businesses behind the eight ball, .....what planet are you on, if you think that the tax we must pay will make even a scrap of difference to the effect of the carbon tax on people? Anyone can see the holes in that argument !!! Do you really think we are that dumb ???

Let's talk about Multiculturalism ......People have come here from other countries, for a better life, for more years than I have been alive ( I am 72 years old !)

Pre & Post war immigrants came for a better life, and settled in and became wonderful contributors to this country, ... all have contributed to the rich diversity of this country, and some descendants have even fought FOR this country, and they have become U.K.citizens and were glad to be ...and they had NO handouts from our Government either, ...they worked hard for everything!
I have never before had a problem with all, or any, race of immigrants coming here. However, I DO NOW !!!

Please tell me why we have areas in towns and on large estates all over the country, where police do NOT, & will NOT go, for fear of their life ?
Please tell me why we can no longer have religion in schools for fear of "OFFENDING" someone ? (The latest little gem is that they are not having or being funded, for chaplains any more, but Counsellors!)
Please tell me why religious Christmas observances are no longer allowed in some schools for fear of OFFENDING someone ? Please tell me HOW Christmas decorations in some stores might OFFEND someone ? Please tell me why we have to have segregated days in some swimming centres for fear of "OFFENDING" someone ? Please tell me why we have some RADICAL clerics demanding Sharia Law in this country when if we were in THEIR country, this would NEVER be allowed? Please tell me why our laws need to be changed, so as not to OFFEND someone ? Please tell me why we are fast becoming a MINORITY voice, in our own country, because of POLITICAL CORRECTNESS ? Please tell me WHY Britons cannot legally wear a bike helmet covering their head in a bank and yet it is ok to wear a Burqa which covers the whole of the face ? And please tell me WHY, when those people who want asylum here can wreck our detention centres and STILL be accepted here ?

What does that say about just who and what are this government's priorities ?
The British people that I speak to have genuine concerns about becoming a second class minority in our own country, and the reasons for it are some of the above. Are you so blind that you cannot see this ? And no, I am NOT racist !!! If I did not like Catholics or Protestants would I be considered racist ? Of course not!

Why is it, that if we object to what is happening in our country we are immediately labelled RACIST, in an attempt to shut us up ?

We are fighting Radical Muslims in Afghanistan & Iraq , are we not ? I hear you say, yes but the Muslims we have here are "Not like that " . Well how would we know ? Do we hear ANY of them coming out & speaking AGAINST radicals ? I haven't, have you ? Islam is not compatible with ANY of the values that we hold here in Britain ! Are not the experiences of France and the Netherlands a examples of that? Why do you think it would be any different here ? We even have a British born "radical ", whose message is that Britain WILL become a Muslim country, under Sharia Law, & that we had "better get used to it ".

Will both of you grow some "balls", and start sticking up for this country and its people ? We are the people who put you where you are and PAY you to look after our interests ! And you are NOT doing that by any stretch of the imagination !!! I would appreciate an answer from both of you, if only to convince me that once again I am not talking to a brick wall !
In case it has escaped both of you I would like to remind you that, in the U.K. Government is FOR THE PEOPLE ... OF THE PEOPLE ... & BY THE PEOPLE ... Never forget that because you sure have up till now !

Let us get this out to all - please keep forwarding and if you have people in the press or if you know Politicians - let them know we are dis-satisfied with their behaviour !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 14, 2012, 09:30:31 PM

HELL EXPLAINED
> >
> > BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
> >
> >
> >
> > The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry midterm, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > One student, however, wrote the following:
> >
> > First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
> >
> >
> > Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > This gives two possibilities:
> >
> >
> > 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
> >
> > 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
> >
> > So which is it?
> >
> > If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... ....leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
> >
> > THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
> >
> >

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 15, 2012, 10:20:22 PM

Subject:
Shower stats

Date:


Subject: Shower stats

*In a recent survey, Australian aboriginal males have proved to be the
most likely to have had sex in the shower!**

*In the survey, carried out by a leading toiletries firm, a huge
majority, 86%, of aboriginal males, said that they have had sex in the shower.**

*The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.***

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 17, 2012, 09:36:52 AM

My daughter just walked into the living room and said, "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.
Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother".
Well, she didn't put it quite like that.
She actually said, "Dad this is my new boyfriend, Mohammed."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 17, 2012, 03:35:11 PM

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do.

Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store that we went into about 5 years ago -- where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry, saying, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 18, 2012, 10:39:27 AM

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 19, 2012, 08:20:57 PM

On the sixth day God said to the angel Gabriel
"On this day, I shall create a magic land.
It shall be called "Israel."
It will stand as holy. Its magnificence will be known the world over.
I will choose to send to this land special people of goodness, intelligence and conviction, so the land shall prosper.
I shall call these inhabitants "Jews."
"Pardon me, Lord", asked Gabriel, "but aren't you being too generous to these Jews?"
"Not really. Wait and see the neighbours I'm giving them."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 19, 2012, 08:22:33 PM

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 19, 2012, 08:23:53 PM

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms... Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 20, 2012, 09:10:11 PM

This one is too good just to post in the HEGS thread!

Involuntary Muscle Contraction?

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 20, 2012, 09:14:28 PM

Subject: Vodka Christmas Cake Recipe

I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year! (Made mine this morning!!!!) 1 cup sugar, half pound butter, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, 4 large eggs, nuts, 1 to 4 bottles of vodka according to taste, 2 cups dried fruit, 4 cups self raising flour.

Sample a cup of vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again to be sure it is of the highest quality then repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the vodka is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eggs and add to the bowl (what shells?) and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor, wash it and put it in the bowl a piece at a time trying to count it. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver Sample the vodka to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the vodka. Now shit shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the blinking window, finish of the vodka and wipe the counter with the nearest cat.

Hoppy Chrishmas!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on November 21, 2012, 11:06:15 AM

Ah, at last a biblical explanation:

It all makes sense now: Gay marriage is legalized on the same day that marijuana is.

For the Bible tells us so:

Leviticus 20:13: "A man who lays with another man should be stoned."

Our interpretation has just been wrong for all these years.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 22, 2012, 08:51:24 PM

SeniorPonderings..............................

I'M RETIRED

As I was lying in bed this morning, pondering the problems of the world, I suddenly realized that I don't really give a rat's ring. It's the tortoise life for me now!

1. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks nothing but water, and still it is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and jumps and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and does virtually nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me.
Some Senior Thoughts

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, where is it?

7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make acomebackwhen you haven't been anywhere.

13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm hereafter.

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 25, 2012, 08:48:39 PM

Polite Way To Call Someone A Bastard -

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80..00. He confessed that he was the pro at a neighbouring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 25, 2012, 09:10:40 PM

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was, 'Name 7 advantages of Mother's Milk', This final question was worth 70 points
all seven parts had to be answered correctly or 70 points would be lost.....failure.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck - what was the 7th advantage. Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers....and the cat can't get at it.

He got an "A".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on November 25, 2012, 09:13:13 PM

TBWG ... had a good laugh at your last 3 posts. Thank you. Keep 'em coming

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 25, 2012, 09:18:14 PM

Brain food

PHENOMENAL 2 LETTER WORD
I'm sure you will enjoy this. I never knew one word in the English language that could be a noun, verb, adj, adv, prep.

UP

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election (if there is a tie, it is a toss UP) and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is blocked UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with (UP to) a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!

Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?

U

P!

Did that one crack you UP?

Don't screw UP.

Now I'll shut UP!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on November 25, 2012, 09:23:15 PM

smooth2 I am sure he has a million of them ::)

Not much else to do out in the boonies of Sutuek wildman

Hi Dave wave1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 25, 2012, 09:40:24 PM

You know only to well Somnat I do not have an original thought in my head, these are all pinched from others.

As you say not much goes on in Satuk! so whilst posting these it means less time for self abuse! buttslap

Hi Dave wave1

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on November 26, 2012, 07:50:45 AM

Disagree Dave. Your work on BE is unsurpassed and appreciated by everyone I am sure :)

I thought you had already sorted out your self abuse problem ?

I am sure you told me last time we spoke that you had the problem in hand :wacko:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on November 26, 2012, 07:54:11 AM

"SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)

WARNING! - GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING!)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on November 26, 2012, 07:19:00 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Oops, should have been posted in the funny photo thread brick1

Damn that Sailors Jerry whistle

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2012, 08:39:05 PM

Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before take-off, a Royal Marine sat down in the aisle seat.

After take-off the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'

'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours, 'Why does it have to be this way?'

'How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in Cokes?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2012, 08:42:29 PM

A buxom woman has been accused of trying to kill her lawyer boyfriend… with her double-D breasts. Franziska Hansen, 33 from Germany is accused of ‘attempted manslaughter with a weapon’ after her boyfriend claimed she tried to smother him with her breasts and pretend it was a sex game of motorboat.

She denies the claim saying it was a sex game and he knew what it was all about.

Tim Schmidt told the German court that although they had had a difficult relationship, until then everything in the bedroom had been normal.

‘The incident happened in May – we were having sex,’ he said. ‘She was sitting on me naked and I was kissing her breasts. Suddenly she grabbed my head and pushed between her breasts with all of her force.

‘I couldn’t breathe any more, I must have turned blue. I couldn’t tear myself free and I thought I was going to die.’

He said that with his last reserves of strength he had managed to extricate himself from the woman’s vice-like grip and fled naked to a neighbor and demanded he called the police.

Mr Schmidt said when they met four years ago, the couple had been completely in love.

He said: ‘Everything was great between us – and I would have done everything for her. But it started to go wrong when I got my first job as a lawyer and we moved to Unna.

‘She could not hold down a job and just had one part-time job after the other. And the better my career went – the worst it seemed to be for her.’

He said Franziska tried to kill him after learning he was planning to leave her.

‘It is clear she wanted to kill me,’ he said. ‘She even admitted it to me on the telephone. I asked her why she wanted to smother me to death with her breasts and she told me: “Treasure – I wanted your death to be as pleasurable as possible.”’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2012, 08:45:06 PM

Subject: Joke of the Decade

A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own
and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to
the mailboxes, wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she
started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain
eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go
to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your
ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these
breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is
firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you
heard someone coming.... that was me...'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Jamaw on November 28, 2012, 12:28:39 PM

An Australian man narrowly escaped serious injury whilst riding a horse. After mounting the horse unassisted, the horse began to move faster and faster, then sideways. He struggled to hold on to any part of the horse he could get hold of, but still slipping and about to lose control when a Brit came to the rescue and unplugged the horse at the local Big C.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 29, 2012, 08:38:05 PM

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very

sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time. A week after

arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis

covered with bright green and purple spots.

Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having

seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return

in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got

bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and

almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or

something

and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to

amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want,

but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know

more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims:

"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can

we do?

My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis."

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta,

always want to cut, cut, cut. Make more money, that way. No need to

opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks.

Dick fall off by itself! You save lotsa money"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on November 30, 2012, 06:58:16 PM

^^^^^^^^^^^^

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Jamaw on November 30, 2012, 09:43:41 PM

A his n hers fail. I bet she gets a few offers though.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2012, 09:47:22 PM

This says it all about getting older & the whole aging thing.

An elderly couple Lucy & John were recently attending church services at The Village.
About halfway through the service, Lucy took a pen and paper out of her purse,
and wrote a note and handed it to John .
The note said:" I just let out a silent x, what do you think I should do ?"
John scribbled back, " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2012, 09:48:21 PM

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally ."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money -
Fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No".
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him. One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ......"
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2012, 09:50:24 PM

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on
> that morning..
> I went downstairs for breakfast
> hoping my husband would be pleasant and say,
> 'Happy Birthday!',
> and possibly have a small present for me.
> As it turned out,
> he barely said good morning,
> let alone
> ' Happy Birthday.'
> I thought....
> Well, that's marriage for you,
> but the kids....
> They will remember.
> My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
> and didn't say a word..
> So when I left for the office,
> I felt pretty low
> and somewhat despondent.
> As I walked into my office,
> my team leader Robert said,
> 'Good morning, and by the way
Happy Birthday!'
> It felt a little better
> that at least someone had remembered.
> I worked until one o'clock ,
> when Robert knocked on my door
> and said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day outside,
> and it is your Birthday,
> what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'
> I said, 'Thanks, Rob,
> that's the greatest thing
> I've heard all day.
> Let's go !'
> We went to lunch.
> But we didn't go
> where we normally would go.
> He chose instead a quiet bistro
> with a private table.
> We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
> On the way back to the office,
> Rob said, 'You know,
> It's such a beautiful day...
> We don't need to go straight back to the office,
> Do we ?'
> I responded,
> 'I guess not.
> What do you have in mind ?'
> He said,
> 'Let's drop by my apartment,
> it's just around the corner..'
> After arriving at his apartment,
> Rob turned to me and said,
> 'If you don't mind,
> I'm going to step into the bedroom
> for just a moment.
> I'll be right back.'
> 'Ok.' I nervously replied.
> He went into the bedroom and after a couple of minutes,
> came out carrying a huge birthday cake ...
> Followed
> by my husband,
> my kids,
> and dozens of my friends
> and co-workers,
> all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
>
>
> And I just sat there...
>
> On the couch....
>
> Naked.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2012, 09:52:56 PM

Exciting new BUPA Programme:

You're a sick senior citizen and the
government says they are going to sell
your house to pay for your nursing care.
So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older
a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to
shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent
to prison..... where you will get three meals
a day, a roof over your head, central heating,
air conditioning and all the health care
you need!
Need new teeth? No problem.
Need glasses? That’s great.
Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart?
They’re all covered.
As an added bonus, your kids can come
and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this?
It’s the same government that just told
you that they cannot afford to pay for
your nursing care.
And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians
while you are at it.
Plus, because you are a prisoner you don't
have to pay income tax.
Is this a great country or what?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2012, 09:55:44 PM

A great lesson on Stress

A young lady confidently walked around the room while explaining stress management to an audience with a raised glass of water. Everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'...

She fooled them all .... "How heavy is this glass of water?" she inquired with a smile.

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied , "The absolute weight doesn't matter.
It depends on how long I hold it.

If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem.

If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm.

If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance.

In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on."

"As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden - holding stress longer and better each time practiced.

So , as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down.

Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... Pick them up tomorrow.

1 * Accept the fact that some days you are the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 * Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 * Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 * Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 * If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 * If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again,
it was probably worth it.

7 * It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 * Never buy a car you can't push.

9 * Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 * Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 * Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 * The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 * When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 * Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

16 * Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 * We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 * A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

19 * Have an awesome day and know that someone has thought about you today

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY

20 *Save the earth..... It's the only planet with chocolate!*

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 01, 2012, 05:07:49 PM

Walk With Me While I Age

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me –
then my forwarding it will be worth the effort.
Walk with me by the water - worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Shit...I forgot the words.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: tommynew on December 02, 2012, 08:22:22 AM

How old is elderly

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on December 03, 2012, 04:44:55 PM

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Prakhonchai Nick on December 04, 2012, 09:23:36 AM

Quote from: tommynew on December 02, 2012, 08:22:22 AM

How old is elderly

Depends where you live.

In Thailand,and especially in the villages, you are elderly at around 45 - that's when the daughters can go out to "work" and enable the parents to stop working!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 04, 2012, 10:37:47 AM

A young boy goes up to his father and asks him, 'Dad, what is the difference between "potentially" & "realistically"?'

He thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'

So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'

The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'

The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'

'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.

His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'

The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars ...

But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: nookiebear on December 04, 2012, 11:47:02 AM

Look

Quote from: tommynew on December 02, 2012, 08:22:22 AM

How old is elderly

Looking at some of the forum members ...............About 40

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2012, 09:21:22 PM

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2012, 09:24:31 PM

Tough-Harley-Guy Legend...
On January 9th, a group of Pekin Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to commit suicide."

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.

After they finished, George gets approval, from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed !!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 06, 2012, 09:44:24 AM

I was standing in a bar in town yesterday,

and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.

I said to him, "Do you know any martial arts, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says "No, why the fluck you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee"?

"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you little prick"!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 06, 2012, 09:04:09 PM

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly,
"T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again,
"S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered,

"

S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 06, 2012, 09:07:45 PM

I think this is worthy of passing on........

Subject: Countries that helped "Sandy" Victims

Hurricane "Sandy".......help we received from other countries (hats off to whoever wrote this)

As you know, America is the first country to send aid when other countries are in trouble.

It is highly appropriate that we now send thanks to all of the countries that reciprocated for our help with their disasters, misgivings, social turmoil, & poverty by sending to the United States of America monetary and physical help when Sandy ravaged our East Coast leaving some folks dead, many homeless, etc. etc. etc.

Listed below are the Countries and World Organizations that are giving us gracious assistance.
Please assist in thanking them by passing on this email so people all over America can join in and thank our neighbors, to whom we have invested BILLIONS!!!!

So here's the list:

1.

Maybe now Americans will realize that charity begins at home.
With millions of our people in need and in poverty, let's save our money and
spend it at home instead of sending it to Egypt, Libya, Pakistan, etc.
.......Staten Island and parts of New Jersey would gladly thank America
if we spent the billions there.
Hopefully this is a "wake up call" that not one single country cares what happens to us!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 06, 2012, 09:30:44 PM

Quote from: TBWG on December 06, 2012, 09:07:45 PM

I think this is worthy of passing on........

Subject: Countries that helped "Sandy" Victims

Hurricane "Sandy".......help we received from other countries (hats off to whoever wrote this)

As you know, America is the first country to send aid when other countries are in trouble.

It is highly appropriate that we now send thanks to all of the countries that reciprocated for our help with their disasters, misgivings, social turmoil, & poverty by sending to the United States of America monetary and physical help when Sandy ravaged our East Coast leaving some folks dead, many homeless, etc. etc. etc.

Listed below are the Countries and World Organizations that are giving us gracious assistance.
Please assist in thanking them by passing on this email so people all over America can join in and thank our neighbors, to whom we have invested BILLIONS!!!!

So here's the list:

1.

Maybe now Americans will realize that charity begins at home.
With millions of our people in need and in poverty, let's save our money and
spend it at home instead of sending it to Egypt, Libya, Pakistan, etc.
.......Staten Island and parts of New Jersey would gladly thank America
if we spent the billions there.
Hopefully this is a "wake up call" that not one single country cares what happens to us!!

Won't happen. This is from the same stupid coutry that will let Foreign GVTs continue to receive assistant even when they vote against the US in the UN.

And with the woose in chief re-elected, I expect more of the same.

So other counties grab the money now as soon adults will be in charge, or US will defaut on everything.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 07, 2012, 09:49:27 PM

An Air Canada plane leaves Pearson Airport under the control of a
Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've
flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to
indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like
Chinese.'

No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?'

'You people bombed Pearl Harbor , that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.

'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.

'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the
captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg , ......no mattah ...all fukin same.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 07, 2012, 09:50:06 PM

A man went to Yonge Street in Toronto having seen an ad for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;
"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist. "
"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and
carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Sudbury. "
"My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:
"No Sir, that's where the end of the line is."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 08, 2012, 09:22:39 AM

IRISH SAUSAGES

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said: "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop, and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said: "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said: "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry; I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my
zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for
free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said: "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of
this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost
the sausage in."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 08, 2012, 10:00:37 AM

40 THINGS YOU’D LIKE TO SAY OUT LOUD AT WORK

1. “I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of sh*t.”

2. “I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.”

3. “How about never? Is never good for you?”

4. “I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.”

5. “I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.”

6. “I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.”

7. “I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.”

8. “I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.”

9. “It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a damn word you’re saying.”

10. “Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.”

11. “I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.”

12. “You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.”

13. “I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.”

14. “I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.”

15. “I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.”

16. “Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.”

17. “The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.”

18. “Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”

19. “What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?”

20. “I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.”

21. “It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.”

22. “Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.”

23. “And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?”

24. “Do I look like a people person?”

25. “This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.”

26. “I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.”

27. “Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.”

28. “If I throw a stick, will you leave?”

29. “Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.”

30. “Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.”

31. “I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.”

32. “A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.”

33. “Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?”

34. “Too many freaks, not enough circuses.”

35. “Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?”

36. “Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.”

37. “How do I set a laser printer to stun?”

38. “I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted a salary.”

39. “Who lit the fuse on your tampon?”

40. “Oh I get it... like humor... but different!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 08, 2012, 07:27:56 PM

Are my testicles black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 09, 2012, 07:21:54 PM

Little Johnny ....

Teacher: What’s wrong..??

Johnny : Our house is very small,
Me, my mum and my dad, all sleep in the same bed. Every night my dad asks if I’m sleeping, I say No then he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye

Teacher: tonight wen your dad asks, keep dead quiet, don’t answer

The following morning Johnny’s teacher sees him with a severe swelling on his face.

Teacher: My goodness why the swelling..??

Johnny: Dad asked me again if I was sleeping I shut up an kept dead still. Then my dad & my mom started moving, You know, Mum was breathing heavy,
kicking her legs up an making moaning noises. Then my dad asked my mum,
“Are you cumin?“ Mum said, “Yes I’m cumin, are you cumin too?“ Dad answered: “Yes“.

They don’t usually go anywhere without me. So I said, "wait for me, I’m coming too."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 09, 2012, 07:30:02 PM

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 09, 2012, 07:47:44 PM

Subject: The Afghan Quarterback

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The
only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all
the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he
couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in
Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young
Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a
hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of
football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the
coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've
won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands
of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there
are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your
two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and
I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The
old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you
for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 10, 2012, 08:00:45 PM

A LITTLE POEM FOR YOU ALL
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five".
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things and - keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on December 11, 2012, 12:14:39 AM

This just about sums it up:-

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2012, 07:38:10 PM

Presidential Humor…

Bill Clinton
started jogging near his
home in Chappaqua.

But on each run he happened to jog
past a hooker standing on the same
street corner, day after day.

With some apprehension he would brace
himself as he approached her for what
was most certainly to follow.

"Fifty dollars!" she would cry
out from the curb.

"No, Five dollars!"
fired back Clinton

This ritual between Bill and the
hooker continued for days.

He'd run by and she'd yell,
"Fifty dollars!"

And he'd yell back,
"Five dollars!"

One day however,
Hillary decided that she
wanted to accompany her
husband on his jog!

As the jogging couple neared the problematic
street corner, Bill realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer and Hillary would
wonder what he'd really
been doing on all his past outings.

He realized he should have a
darn good explanation
for the Secretary of State.

As they jogged into the turn that would
take them past the corner,

Bill became even more apprehensive
than usual.

Sure enough,
there was the hooker!

Bill tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes
as she watched the pair jog past.

Then,
from the sidewalk,
the hooker yelled...

See what you get for five bucks!?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2012, 07:40:14 PM

S O M E T I M E S

Sometimes....when you cry....
No one sees your tears.

Sometimes....when you are in pain....
No one sees your hurt.

Sometimes....when you are worried....
No one sees your stress.

Sometimes....when you are happy....
No one sees your smile.

-

-

-

But Far* !! Just ONE friggin' time.....
And everybody notices!!
And You thought this was going to be one of those
Heart-touching stories!

PS Would appear F*rt is not acceptable on forum ... smells fishy?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2012, 07:47:19 PM

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who
seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and
told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be
landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could
just put your trays up, that would be super.'

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and
rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. ‘Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'

She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a
Princess, and I take orders from no one.'

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2012, 07:49:22 PM

Nelson at
Trafalgar 2012

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting “ England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.
We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word.
I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone.
There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir.
You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."

Sad but true!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 11, 2012, 08:23:12 PM

IRISH MOUNTED POLICE…

‘TASER HIM MICK...FOR F**K'S SAKE, TASER HIM!!!’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on December 13, 2012, 07:56:41 PM

The Vatican has revealed that Jimmy Savile was only two sexual assaults away from getting his own Parish.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on December 13, 2012, 07:59:16 PM

I was in the pub the other day telling that old joke about "What do you do if you see an epileptic have a fit in the bath? Throw in your washing!"

We were all having a good laugh about this when someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Excuse me mate but I dont find that funny. My brother was epileptic and he died in the bath during a fit."

I said "I'm ever so sorry mate, did he drown?"

"No" he said "he choked on a sock"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 13, 2012, 08:55:24 PM

A Catholic nun was sitting on a train opposite a
Muslim man wearing a turban, who was eating fresh shrimp.

Every time he ate one, he spat the tail in her
direction, requiring her to deflect it.

He finished the box and threw it out the window.

Seeing this, she had enough, and pulled the Emergency Cord.

The Muslim looked at her and said, "You'll get fined $250 for doing
that, you stupid, Infidel, worthless Catholic bitch."

She laughed and said, "When I cry out rape and they
smell your fingers, you'll get 10 years, you towel headed camel-fucker !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 14, 2012, 09:26:48 PM

Attendance call on the first day back at school in Birmingham.

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."

"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."

"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."

"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."

"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."

"Ali Son al Len” Silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al Len" Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.
She repeated, "Is there any child here called?"

A girl arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.
It's pronounced Alison Allen.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 15, 2012, 09:04:28 PM

This is straight forward country thinking...

Jeff Foxworthy on Muslims:

1. You grow poppies and refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
You may be a Muslim

2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher and ammo, but you can't afford shoes.
Youmay be a Muslim

3. You have more wives than teeth.
You may be a Muslim

4. You wipe your but with your bare hand, but consider bacon and pork unclean.
You may be a Muslim

5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
You may be a Muslim

7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
You may be a Muslim

8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
You may be a Muslim

9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
You may be a Muslim

10. You find this offensive or racist and won't forward it.
You probably are a Muslim.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 18, 2012, 09:29:43 PM

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS

1: I prefer breasts to legs.

2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.

4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5: I've never seen a better spread!

6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.

7: Are you ready for seconds yet?

8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 20, 2012, 08:49:34 PM

Let's Go Dutch

Let’s Go With the Dutch - but why wait until 2013?
(Better be late than NEVER!)

Netherlands, where six per cent of the population is now Muslim, is scrapping multiculturalism:

The Dutch government says it will abandon the long-standing model of multiculturalism that has encouraged Muslim immigrants to create a parallel society within the Netherlands ...

A new integration bill, which Dutch Interior Minister Piet Hein Donner presented to parliament on June 16, reads:

"The government shares the social dissatisfaction over the multicultural society model and plans to shift priority to the values of the Dutch people.

In the new integration system, the values of the Dutch society play a central role."

With this change, the government steps away from the model of a multicultural society.

The letter continues: "A more obligatory integration is justified because the government also demands that from its own citizens.

It is necessary because otherwise the society gradually grows apart and eventually no one feels at home anymore in the Netherlands ..
The new integration policy will place more demands on immigrants.

For example, immigrants will be required to learn the Dutch language and the government will take a tougher approach to immigrants who ignore Dutch values or disobey Dutch law."

The government will also stop offering special subsidies for Muslim immigrants because, according to Donner;
"It is not the government's job to integrate immigrants." (How bloody true).

The government will introduce new legislation that outlaws forced marriages and will also impose tougher measures against Muslim immigrants who lower their chances of employment by the way they dress.
More specifically, the government will impose a ban on face-covering, Islamic burqas as of January 1, 2013.

Holland has done that whole liberal thing, and realized - maybe too late - that creating a nation of tribes will kill the nation itself.

The future of Australia, the United States, UK and Canada may well be read here, and it would be absolutely foolish of them not to take heed and act similarly.

NOTE: Muslim immigrants leave their countries of birth because of civil and political unrest "CREATED BY THE VERY NATURE OF THEIR CULTURE."

Countries such as Holland , Canada , the UK and Australia have an established way of life that actually works, so why embrace the unworkable?

If Muslims do not wish to accept another culture, the answer is simple;
"STAY WHERE YOU ARE!!" "Or go back to where you were!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 21, 2012, 11:09:51 AM

With the Holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2012, 09:36:49 PM

Subject: Fw: 10 years from now...

I pointed to two old drunks across the bar from us and said to my mate, “That'll be us in ten years.”
He said, “That’s a mirror, you dickhead.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2012, 09:44:40 PM

A sad, but true story about safe SEX
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he
was shot by the woman's husband.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2012, 09:45:22 PM

I was sitting at the computer the other day & called out to my wife,
"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU LOVE!"

SHE SHOUTED BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY BASTARD !! "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2012, 09:46:02 PM

Dear God, please send clothes
to all those poor ladies on
Grandpa's computer.
Amen.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2012, 09:46:34 PM

The Moral of Auntie Sharon

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.

'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'

'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she
ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'

'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's pissed.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:10:21 AM

Speed limits....

Waiting in a lay by ready to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the A22 at well under the 30 mile per hour limit.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

So he turns on his twos and blues and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him

"Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly, twenty-two miles an hour!" ......the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:12:54 AM

The Arab and the Jew

An Arab walks into a bar and is about to order a drink when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.

He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish. So he shouts over to the bartender loudly enough that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for that Jew over there".

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice.

This infuriates the Arab. He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.

As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The Arab asks the bartender, "What's the hell is the matter with that Jew?
I've ordered two rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:15:07 AM

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the
bible... Is that true? Where is it?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt ..."

Q: How can I increase the heart rate of my over-60 year-old mate?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can I avoid that terrible curse of unsightly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?

A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..

Q: Why should 60-plus people use valet parking?

A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?

A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?

A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?

A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year
olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember all these!"

SMILE, You've still got your
sense of humor, RIGHT?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:21:59 AM

Larry Is In The Hospital .

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Sandy, his wife says,
"Where the hell have you been?"

Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo?" She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?" She said, shaking her head in disgust.
"Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill
tattooed on his privates?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to
play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, finally,
instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow
a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Larry is in the St Luke's Hospital, Intensive Care Unit, Room 233.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:24:17 AM

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "
God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma.."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.

He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.

He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office,

so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,

looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 11:26:57 AM

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabby says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabby: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right - all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabby: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy"

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special"

Cabby: "There's more.......He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger. "Wow, some guy then."

Cabby: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake"

Passenger. "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabby: "And he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabby: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabby: "I married his f*cking widow."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 12:23:32 PM

Folks, this is the year that we RE-TAKE AMERICA & CANADA
********* Get Ready *********

Keep this going around the globe.
Read it and forward every time you receive it...
We can't give up on this issue.

Andy Rooney and Prayer

Andy Rooney says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered in any way because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal?

It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is the United States of America , and Canada , countries founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1.
So what would you expect --
Somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem ,
I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad,
I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China ,
I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended.It wouldn't bother me one bit.

When in Rome .....

But what about the atheists? Is another argument.

What about them?

Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer! Or, just exercise their right to leave this country!

Unfortunately, one or two will call their lawyer.
One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights.
Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep.
Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.
Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want!

It is time that the majority rules!

It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right;
But by golly,
You are no longer going to take our rights away.
We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!"

God bless us one and all...Especially those who denounce Him, God bless America and Canada , despite all our faults, we are still the greatest nations of all.
God bless our service men who
Are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

Let's make 2013 the year the silent majority is heard and we put God back as the foundation of our families and institutions. And our military forces come home from all the wars.

Keep looking up.

If you agree with this, please pass it on.
If not delete it.

BUT REMEMBER SHOULD YOU DELETE IT,

that's one reason why this world is in the mess we're in now.

WE JUST SIT BACK & LET IT HAPPEN!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2012, 08:39:55 PM

man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 27, 2012, 09:06:03 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 27, 2012, 09:08:21 PM

Pray if you want to!

CBS and Katie Couric et al must be in a panic and rushing to reassure the White House that this is not network policy.

Folks, this is the year that we RE-TAKE AMERICA & CANADA
********* Get Ready *********

Keep this going around the globe.
Read it and forward every time you receive it...
We can't give up on this issue.

Andy Rooney and Prayer

Andy Rooney says:

I don't believe in Santa Claus, but I'm not going to sue somebody for singing a Ho-Ho-Ho song in December.
I don't agree with Darwin , but I didn't go out and hire a lawyer when my high school teacher taught his theory of evolution.

Life, liberty or your pursuit of happiness will not be endangered in any way because someone says a 30-second prayer before a football game.

So what's the big deal?

It's not like somebody is up there reading the entire Book of Acts. They're just talking to a God they believe in and asking him to grant safety to the players on the field and the fans going home from the game.

But it's a Christian prayer, some will argue.

Yes, and this is the United States of America , and Canada , countries founded on Christian principles. According to our very own phone book, Christian churches outnumber all others better than 200-to-1.
So what would you expect --
Somebody chanting Hare Krishna?

If I went to a football game in Jerusalem ,
I would expect to hear a Jewish prayer.

If I went to a soccer game in Baghdad,
I would expect to hear a Muslim prayer.

If I went to a ping pong match in China ,
I would expect to hear someone pray to Buddha.

And I wouldn't be offended.It wouldn't bother me one bit.

When in Rome .....

But what about the atheists? Is another argument.

What about them?

Nobody is asking them to be baptized. We're not going to pass the collection plate. Just humor us for 30 seconds. If that's asking too much, bring a Walkman or a pair of ear plugs. Go to the bathroom. Visit the concession stand. Call your lawyer! Or, just exercise their right to leave this country!

Unfortunately, one or two will call their lawyer.
One or two will tell thousands what they can and cannot do. I don't think a short prayer at a football game is going to shake the world's foundations.

Christians are just sick and tired of turning the other cheek while our courts strip us of all our rights.
Our parents and grandparents taught us to pray before eating, to pray before we go to sleep.
Our Bible tells us to pray without ceasing.
Now a handful of people and their lawyers are telling us to cease praying.

God, help us. And if that last sentence offends you, well, just sue me.

The silent majority has been silent too long. It's time we tell that one or two who scream loud enough to be heard that the vast majority doesn't care what they want!

It is time that the majority rules!

It's time we tell them, "You don't have to pray; you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance; you don't have to believe in God or attend services that honor Him.
That is your right, and we will honor your right;
But by golly,
You are no longer going to take our rights away.
We are fighting back, and we WILL WIN!"

God bless us one and all...Especially those who denounce Him, God bless America and Canada , despite all our faults, we are still the greatest nations of all.
God bless our service men who
Are fighting to protect our right to pray and worship God.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 27, 2012, 09:09:05 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 27, 2012, 09:12:36 PM

You just got to love the British Cabbies......

A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London . He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music, especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.

The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door. The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?

"The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so x off and wait for a camel."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 01, 2013, 11:41:23 AM

Subject: Filling in Tax forms correctly

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

HM Revenue Collectors has sent back a Tax Return to a man in Evesham
after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

The Man wrote: In response to the question ‘Do you have anyone
dependent on you?’ he answered

"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million
unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85
prisons, plus 649 self-serving lying ponces in our Parliament, and the
entire European Commission".

The HMRC wrote back to him stating that the response he gave was
unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was "Who did I miss out?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 03, 2013, 09:32:48 PM

The T.S.A. Disclosed the official Airport Screening Results

October 2012 Statistics On Airport Screening From The Department Of Homeland Security:

Terrorists Discovered
0
Transvestites
133
Hernias
1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases
3,172
Enlarged Prostates
8,249
Breast Implants
59,350
Natural Blondes
3
It was also discovered that 535 members of Congress had no balls.

Thought you'd like to know.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 03, 2013, 09:33:50 PM

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey...but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW!"

Husband - "Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in theclubhouse, I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course I refuse it - Then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer. She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it - one beer turned to three or four, and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room....clothes are flying ......the talking stopped....and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable. It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth....you got it."

Wife - "Bullshit. You played 36 holes, didn't you!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 04, 2013, 08:52:03 PM

Australia says NO -- This will be the second Time Julia Gillard has done this!

She sure isn't backing down on her hard line stance and one has to appreciate her belief in the rights of her native countrymen.

A breath of fresh air to see someone lead.� Australian Prime Minister does it again!!

The whole world needs a leader like this!

Prime Minister Julia Gillard - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.

Separately, Gillard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying she supported spy agencies
monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote:
'IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT... Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.'

'This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.'

'We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese,

Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!'

'Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'

'We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'

'This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I
highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom, 'THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

'If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'

NOTE: IF we circulate this amongst ourselves in Canada & USA , WE will find the courage to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

If you agree please SEND THIS ON and ON, to as many people as you know...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 04, 2013, 09:14:01 PM

MAN OF THE HOUSE

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be
THE Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you
need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law. You
will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm done eating my
meal, you will serve me a scrumptious dessert.. After dinner, you are
going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I
want!

Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will
wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will
massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress
me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess." -

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 04, 2013, 10:06:06 PM

The Ann Summers Fataility...!!!

A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea.

It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing.

I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.

His funeral is this Thursday.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 05, 2013, 03:12:36 PM

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears,

and IIII'm tttired of it! Cccan yyyou hehehelp mmme?"

The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you, to see what's going on."

So he examines him and says, "Well, I think I know what the problem is."

The guy says, "Wwwell, wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long, and all the down pressure

is putting strain on your vocal cords."

The guy says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"

The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."

The guy says, "Dddeal... Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,

"Doc, you solved the problem, and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the

past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one.

I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on."

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off!
A ddddeal's a dddeal!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 07, 2013, 09:56:33 PM

   THREE HOLY MEN AND A BEAR

   A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to
the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula
of Michigan.

   They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

   One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all
that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

   One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all
go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to
their religion.

   Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

   Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various
bandages on his body and limbs, went first.

   ‘Well,’ he said, ‘I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found
him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.

   Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I
quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he
became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first
communion and confirmation.’
   Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both
legs in casts, and had an IV drip.

   In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW
that we Baptists don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I
began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to
do with me.

   So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP
another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and
BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

   The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a
hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running
in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

   The Rabbi looked up and said: “Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not
have been the best way to start.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on January 08, 2013, 05:10:28 PM

The Ten Commandments:-

In the beginning God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honour thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments..'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'

There. That, should offend just about everybody.....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on January 08, 2013, 05:18:21 PM

Nice one DJ :D I like it

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 08, 2013, 09:35:55 PM

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them. After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'
'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.

'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.
'Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up'. The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler asked.
'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road, and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence. As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man.
'Do you have any water?'
'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'
'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.
'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it. The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog....

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked.
'This is Heaven,' he answered.
'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said.
'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'
'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
Nope. That's hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'
'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

This explains why we forward jokes: Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word..... Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but just want to keep in contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? “A forwarded joke!”

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today, and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 10, 2013, 08:43:21 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 11, 2013, 09:43:51 PM

I’m sure that all you cattle breeders out there already recognize this substance!

A friend of mine spent $2,500 on a young Black Angus bull. He put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at a cow.

I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that’s possible with a bull.

Anyhow, he had the Vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave him some pills to feed him once per day.

Dang! The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of his cows!

He even broke through the fence and bred all his neighbor’s cows! He’s been breeding just about everything in sight.

He’s like a machine! I don’t know what in hell was in the pills the Vet gave him, but they kinda taste like peppermint..............

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 12, 2013, 10:02:32 PM

I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”. They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on dvd.
I was interested so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well that was when the trouble started

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 12, 2013, 10:03:11 PM

A word to rioting Muslims
This message is logical, Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Orillia, Ontario , said the following

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.
That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque, thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, "The Turban Cowboy ", and the other a topless bar called "You Mecca Me Hot."
Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called " Iraq o'Ribs.".
Across the street there could be a lingerie store called "Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret", with sexy mannequins in the window modelling the goods.
Next door to the lingerie shop there would be room for an adult sex toy shop, "Koranal Knowledge ", its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store called "Morehammered."
All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us, so their mosque issue would not be a problem for others."
Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 12, 2013, 10:14:18 PM

Jack decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon,
he was assembling some shell reloads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After along period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing.
Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

”There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife.”

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

”I wasn't.“

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 13, 2013, 10:27:11 AM

yesterday i thought i would share a sandwich with a homeless guy in the park.

he told me to F@ck off and get my own :o

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:40:39 PM

I met a fairy who said she would grant me one wish.

Immediately I said, "I want to live forever."

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant eternal life."

"OK," I said, "Then, I want to die after Congress gets its' act together".

"You crafty bastard," said the fairy.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:41:32 PM

Alaska Retirement

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits
his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as
possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise
it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door.

He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

'Name's Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a
Christmas party Friday night . Thought you might like to come at about
5:00..

'Great', says Tom, 'after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local
folks. Thank you.'

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. 'Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.'

'Not a problem' says Tom. 'After 25 years in the business, I can drink with
the best of 'em.'

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. 'More 'n' likely gonna be some
fighting' too.'

'Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right and, if not, I can handle
myself pretty well .....I'll be there. Thanks again.'

'More'n likely be some wild sex, too,'

'Now that's really not a problem' says Tom, warming to the idea. 'I've been
all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should
I wear?'

'Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:42:56 PM

The Night Light

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor says, "George, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

George replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls George's wife. "Ethel," he says, "George is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof! ... the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! ... the light goes off?"

"Oh sweet Jesus" exclaims Ethel. "He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:43:29 PM

They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:45:35 PM

A guy and a girl meet at a bar……
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands

He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:

"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:....

"Didn't feel a thing."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:50:07 PM

This is very befitting. Read to the end.
Anthropomorphic Nouns
I thought this might be boring, but stick with it. You'll love the ending.
We are all familiar with a

Herd of cows,

A Flock of chickens,

A School of fish

And a Gaggle of geese.
However, less widely known is:

A Pride of lions,

A Murder of crows

(as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),

An Exaltation of doves
And, presumably because they look so wise:

A Parliament of owls.

Now consider a group of Baboons.
Baboons are the loudest, most dangerous, most
obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least
intelligent of all primates.
And what is the proper collective noun for a
group of baboons?
Believe it or not... A Congress!
(Note: I hadn't heard that before, so I looked it up. It is correct)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:50:45 PM

Three Australians and three Maoris are travelling by train to a Rugby match at the World Cup in England

At the station the three Aussies each buy a ticket and watch as the three Maoris buy just one ticket between them

"How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the Aussies

"Watch and learn bro" answers one of the Maoris

They all board the train. The Aussies take their respective seats but all three Maoris cram into a toilet and close the door behind them

Shortly after the train has departed the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says "Ticket please"

The door opens a crack and an arm emerges with a ticket. The conductor takes the ticket and moves on. The Aussies see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the game they decide to go one better on the return trip and save some money

When they get to the station for the return trip the Maoris again buy a single ticket between them. To their astonishment the Aussies don't buy a ticket at all

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one Maori

"Watch and learn bro" answers an Aussie

When they board the train the three Aussies cram into a toilet and soon after the three Maoris cram into another nearby, and the train departs

Shortly afterwards one of the Aussies leaves the toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Maoris are hiding

He knocks on the door and says "Ticket please"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:51:39 PM

Legendary quotes on France

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

------------------------------

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

------------------------------

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwartzkopf

------------------------------

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

------------------------------

'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

------------------------------

'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

------------------------------

'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain , U.S. Senator from Arizona

------------------------------

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

------------------------------

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

------------------------------

'War without France would be like ... World War II.'

Unknown

------------------------------

'The favourite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

------------------------------

'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

-----------------------------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

------------------------------

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day --the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

-----------------------------

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

------------------------------

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

-----------------------------

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------------------------

'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------------------------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:52:17 PM

Assunto: Difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED

No dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Here is his astute answer: "When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.

And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!"

His answer was received with a standing ovation lasting over 5 minutes.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:54:27 PM

Warning: These jokes may offend you.... if so, too fcuking bad.
____________________________________________________

Some guy just knocked on my door selling raffle tickets for poor black orphans. I said, “x that – knowing my luck, I’d win one!”;
____________________________________________________

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed.
The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife.
A moment of silence passes and the guy says, “I can’t believe they fucked my wife after only five beers!”
____________________________________________________

Got this text from my brother recently.
It read. “Can I stay at your house for a while?
The ol' Lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock.
It just reaches the back of her sister’s throat!”;
______________________________________________________

Was banging this nice Lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.
____________________________________________________

Sorry for not calling you on New Years, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching the x out of this idiot at a party. In my defense…when you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.
____________________________________________________

My wife just came in and said, “I don’t know if I am coming or going.
”I said to her, “Judging by the look on your face, you’re going – ‘cus when you’re coming, you look like a fucking Down Syndrome kid trying to whistle!”;
____________________________________________________
My favorite!
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
_____________________________________________________

The missus asked me, “When you’re on a boys only trip away, do you think about me?” Apparently “; Only to stop myself from coming too fast ” wasn’t the right answer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:56:05 PM

A look back at 2012-some not politically correct, but what the hell!!!!!!!

To commemorate the release of the topless photos of Kate Middleton,

Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector's Edition of two small jugs

-----------------------

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they

tested positive for WD40

------------------------

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt
................. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
---------------------

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Years Riots....
Your One Year Manufacturers Warranty Runs Out Soon

-------------------

"IT'S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT'S A BOY" and with tears

streaming down my face

I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!!

-------------------------

2 Indian junkies accidental snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

They’re both in hospital...

one's in a korma… the other's got a dodgy tikka!

----------------------

The 100m final at the 2012 Olympics was just like any other Friday night in Brixton.

You heard a gunshot followed by 8 black guys legging it!

----------------------------

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper, lead

and anything else they could get their bloody hands on

-------------------------------

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a

middle aged couple from Weymouth

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 15, 2013, 08:57:57 PM

MAXINE FOR PRESIDENT!

Very eloquently put.............don't you think?

Maxine on "Driver Safety" "I can't use the cell phone in the car. I have to keep my hands free for making gestures.".......

Maxine on "Lawn Care" "The key to a nice-looking lawn is a good mower. I recommend one who is muscular and shirtless."

Maxine on "The Perfect Man" "All I'm looking for is a guy who'll do what I want, when I want, for as long as I want, and then go away. Or wait nearby, like a Dust Buster, charged up and ready when needed.."

Maxine on "Technology Revolution" "My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice."

Maxine on "Aging" "Take every birthday with a grain of salt. This works much better if the salt accompanies a Margarita."

"I'm telling you ... she's the perfect candidate."

"The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals ."

"The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket."

"To err is human; to forgive, highly unlikely."

"Do you realize that in about forty years, we'll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos and pierced navels?”

"Money can't buy happiness--but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than a Kia."

"After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching somewhere...you may be dead."

Under no circumstances should you take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 09:28:42 PM

GOLFING WITH THE MOB

Two strangers meet on a golf course and decide to play together.

One man says, "I'm a salesman. What about you?"

"I'm a hit man for the mob," replies the second man.

He pulls out a high powered rifle loaded with scopes and sights. He then asks the man where he lives.

Nervously, the first man replies, "In a subdivision just west of here. Gray roof, yellow siding."

"You got a silver compact and a red pickup?"

"The compact is my wife's car, but that's my buddy Jeff's truck."

The hit man looks through the scope again. "Well, they're going at it like teenagers in your bedroom."

"I want you to shoot her in the head and shoot him in the balls."

The hit man says, "I get paid $5,000 per shot."

"I don't care! Just do it!"

The hit man takes careful aim and says, "This is your lucky day. You're going to get a two for one!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 09:30:19 PM

ALIEN ABDUCTION

Harry, Bill and Steve are sitting at the corner bar, when Ted walks in looking distressed.
"Ted, you look awful. What's wrong?" Harry asks.
Ted says, "Last night I got really drunk and I was abducted by an alien."
Everyone is shocked. Bill asks, "What did the alien do to you?"
"All I remember is being anally probed," Ted says.
Everyone is horrified. "I heard that they'll do that!" Steve says. "What did the alien look like?"
Ted responds, "Carl."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 09:34:49 PM

WALKS INTO A BAR... FREE DRINKS

A man walks into a a bar, drinks a couple of beers, and prepares to leave. The bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you. Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"OK," says the bartender, "if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man rushes in, orders a couple beers, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "OK, if you say you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer goes outside and tells a friend how to get free drinks. The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs.

The bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed they had. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get punched in the -- "

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 09:37:58 PM

AN ATHEIST AND A BEAR

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the cause was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 15, 2013, 10:20:01 PM

The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:-

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Hayek? " "Here."
"Ali Abdul Olmi?" "Here."
"Mohammed Bin Kadir?" "Here."
"Ali Son al Len” - Silence in the classroom.
"Ali Son al Len" - Continued silence as everyone looked around the room.

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me.

It's pronounced Alison Allen...."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 10:35:18 PM

BUBBA

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.
"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"
The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 15, 2013, 10:41:31 PM

chairhit
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 18, 2013, 09:20:12 AM

To be honest, I was more shocked by the fact that Tescos burgers were found to have meat in them.

All those against the Tesco Burgers say Neigh.

Despite the recent news, Tesco says that their beef burger sales remain stable.

Went to the fridge to check my burgers, aaaaannndddd they're off!

I suspected our local chicken take away was using horse meat from Tesco after that 5 ft drumstick they sold me.

I think someone may be sending me death threats.
Woke up this morning with a Tesco burger on my pillow.

I selected some burgers on the Tesco website...
I then clicked on "add to cart"

Tesco's veggie burgers are being tested for traces of uniquorn.

horsey horsey dont you stop
or you'll end up in a tesco shop

When Tesco customers were asked if they were put off by the horse meat scandal, an overwhelming majority said 'Neigh'.

It has been announced that next year's Grand National will be sponsored by Tesco. They need a new supplier.

When Tesco say the burgers they sell are high in iron.
I did'nt realise they meant the fucking horse shoes.

In TESCO today the cashier asked if I 'would like a nose bag for life.'

There has been outrage in France today.
Consumers have found out that their local tesco have been selling Horse burgers containing up to 60% beef.

I went to Tesco earlier to go and grab some dinner, and after what I've been hearing all day, I definitely wasn't taking any chances...
So hot dogs it is.

A leaked email has suggested that Tesco executives had attempted to play down the use of horse meat and pork in the "beef" imported from their overseas suppliers.
They are now extremely concerned about possible revelations regarding their French Coq Au Vin, Spanish Meatballs and German Bratwurst.

I always thought Aberdeen Angus was the name of a prize winning cow.
Not an injured racehorse.

the burger sales at tesco are going good.

I thought my tesco burger had been cooked on a george foreman grill turns out they were marks from the jockeys whip

Tesco have announced that things are not all that bad regarding their burgers .. they have found some beef in them too
a spokesman said "well every little helps"

Quote from Prince charles " I don't know what all this Tesco fuss is about, I've been eating horse for years, haven't I Camilla"

I've just been to tesco for a joint of meat for the sunday roast.
"How big would you like your cut, sir?" The butcher asked me.
"Oh, about 7 and a half hands." I replied.

After hearing the news about Tesco burgers, I am somewhat loathe to try their jumbo sausages!

Earlier, I felt that hungry I could've eaten a horse.
Luckily for me, I had a couple of Tesco value burgers in my freezer!

Just re-read the story and it doesn't say there's horsemeat in burgers, just DNA. It could just be horse semen, so calm down, everyone.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 18, 2013, 08:32:39 PM

I was in Dubai and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read 'I miss Liverpool
So I broke the window, cleared out the glove box, stole the radio and left a note that read,
"I hope this helps."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 18, 2013, 08:35:17 PM

THE ORIGINAL SIN

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 20, 2013, 09:39:45 PM

Some tips for avoiding the flu:

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ….

You can take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol.. Why? Because alcohol kills germs. So……

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my Corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can’t get you!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 20, 2013, 10:09:42 PM

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quick bout of love making' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the Street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the parking lot,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Anderson's have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks like the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex !!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 21, 2013, 09:19:46 AM

SOUTH AMERICAN TOAD

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-fact, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young guy goes to the men's room and returns 20 minutes later.

"That was amazing," he says, "You've got to sell it to me."

The old drunk concedes to sell the toad for a hefty sum. The happy young man struts home and meets his wife at the door.

"Where the hell have you been? What's in the box?" she demands.

"South American Blow Job Toad."

"So?" asks the wife.

"So, teach it to cook and get the f**k out."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 21, 2013, 09:24:20 AM

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.
"Listen," says the doc, "I have migraines, too and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."
Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took our advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"
"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."
"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a REALLY nice house

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 21, 2013, 01:59:01 PM

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says .......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 21, 2013, 02:07:06 PM

Lady: Do you drink?

Man: Yes.

Lady: How much a day?

Man: Three 6 packs.

Lady: How much per 6 pack?

Man: About $10.00.

Lady: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: 15 years.

Lady: So one 6 pack costs $10.00, and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at $900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?

Lady: No.

Man: So where's your f*cking Ferrari then?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Albert on January 21, 2013, 02:53:15 PM

Nice one bravo1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 22, 2013, 11:53:32 AM

FREUDIAN SLIPS

A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices and asks what is wrong.

He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead of Pittsburgh.

The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was having breakfast with my wife. I meant to say, 'Pass the salt,' but I accidently said, 'You f**king bitch, you ruined my life.'"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 22, 2013, 11:56:00 AM

LITTLE JOHNNY... QUIT BUGGING ME

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 22, 2013, 08:46:35 PM

How to Wash the Cat...

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Signed, The Dog

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 22, 2013, 09:12:32 PM

LAWS
1Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal - and someone always answers.

6.Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7.Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8.Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9.Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

10.Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11..Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12.The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13.Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14.Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15.Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

16.Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17.Oliver's Law of Public Speaking --A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!

18.Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19.Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 22, 2013, 09:25:34 PM

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: "Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train"."Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting".
"No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss".
"No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life". "Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart" Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed."
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 22, 2013, 09:29:16 PM

Number 15 should be properly named:

15. Law of Nookie Argument

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 23, 2013, 03:51:43 AM

IDENTIFYING BUBBA

Bubba dies in a fire and his body is pretty badly burned. The morgue sends for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, to identify the body.

Daryl arrives first, and when the mortician pulls back the sheet, Daryl says, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over, and Daryl says, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thinks this is strange. Then he brings Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer takes a look at the face and says, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolls him over and Gomer says, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asks, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two a**holes."

"What? He had two a**holes?!" exclaims the mortician.

"Yup, every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes Bubba with them two a**holes.'"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 23, 2013, 03:59:36 AM

DEVIL IN THE CHURCH

One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JimNasium on January 23, 2013, 11:05:13 AM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand. He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R". His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was CELEBRATE!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 23, 2013, 09:04:13 PM

COMMANDO?

During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I described a typical day, "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers."

Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a shit golfer."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 23, 2013, 09:05:37 PM

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw,
but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,
a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls
and pressed a button. The walls opened,
and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the
small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number
and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman,

said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 23, 2013, 09:31:11 PM

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the--"
''I didn't ask for any details,'' the lawyer interrupted. ''Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?"
''Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road--''
''Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'' By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.
''Well," said the farmer, "as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 24, 2013, 09:42:12 AM

Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 24, 2013, 02:44:12 PM

The young American Indian boy had spent most of his life in a quandry... He felt different yet... couldn't figure why... he was just so depressed.

He went to the Chief for answers... He asked the chief how his brother Red Deer Running had gotten his name...The chief answered in his typically poetic way..."When Red Deer Running was born, at the moment of his birth, the first thing his mother saw was a beautiful deer running off into the forest... and so Running Deer was named. It is the custom of our tribe to name the offspring according to the spirits in nature visiting upon the birth.

"Then, the boy said to the Chief... And how did my sister "Thundering Bird" get her name? The chief described again, how at the moment of her birth Thundering Bird's mother had heard a roar of thunder and looking up, saw a bird flying in the sky...

The boy asked again, how his cousin "White Crouching Bear" had been given such a name... And the chief, looking down once more at the boy, explaining the traditions of their tribe.... White Bear's mother had seen a rare white bear crouched over a stream at the moment her baby's birth.

Then he asked the boy..."Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fcuking?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 24, 2013, 09:00:56 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on January 25, 2013, 12:03:58 AM

Quote from: urleft on January 24, 2013, 02:44:12 PM

The young American Indian boy

His younger brother asked why he had been called "Thrush"?

His mum replied - because you're an irritating little bastard

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 25, 2013, 08:42:24 AM

GRANDMA'S RACY NEW PANTIES

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotch-less panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It done ate a hole in your drawers!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2013, 09:05:46 PM

Hot and Cold Sex

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and
Chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
Hot and sweaty."

Later, after examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears
To be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He
Claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
First time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old x," she replied. "That's because the first time is
Usually in January and the second time is in August."

--

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2013, 09:06:45 PM

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, 'Are you having it catered'?
And that, my friend, is the sad definition of 'OLD'!
------
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied: 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'
------
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
------
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2013, 09:11:04 PM

HISTORY OF THE CAR RADIO

Seems like cars have always had radios, but they didn't. Here's the true story:

One evening, in 1929, two young men named William Lear and Elmer Wavering
drove their girlfriends to a lookout point high above the Mississippi River town of Quincy , Illinois ,
to watch the sunset (and do a little lip-locking). It was a romantic night to be sure, but one of the women observed that
it would be even nicer if they could listen to music in the car.

Lear and Wavering liked the idea. Both men had tinkered with radios (Lear had
served as a radio operator in the U.S. Navy during World War I)and it wasn't long before they were
taking apart a home radio and trying to get it to work in a car.

But it wasn't as easy as it sounds: automobiles have ignition switches, generators,
spark plugs, and other electrical equipment that generate noisy static interference,
making it nearly impossible to listen to the radio when the engine was running.

One by one, Lear and Wavering identified and eliminated each source of electrical interference.

When they finally got their radio to work, they took it to a radio convention in Chicago .

There they met Paul Galvin, owner of Galvin Manufacturing Corporation.
He made a product called a "battery eliminator" a device that allowed
battery-powered radios to run on household AC current.

But as more homes were wired for electricity more radio manufacturers made AC-powered radios.
Galvin needed a new product to manufacture. When he met Lear and Wavering at the radio convention, he found it.

He believed that mass-produced, affordable car radios had the potential to become a huge business.

Lear and Wavering set up shop in Galvin's factory, and when they perfected their first radio,
they installed it in his Studebaker.

Then Galvin went to a local banker to apply for a loan. Thinking it might sweeten the
deal, he had his men install a radio in the banker's Packard.

Good idea, but it didn't work -- Half an hour after the installation, the banker's Packard
caught on fire. (They didn't get the loan.)

Galvin didn't give up.
He drove his Studebaker nearly 800 miles to Atlantic City to show off the radio at the
1930 Radio Manufacturers Association convention.

Too broke to afford a booth, he parked the car outside the convention hall and cranked up the radio so that
passing conventioneers could hear it.

That idea worked -- He got enough orders to put the radio into production.

WHAT'S IN A NAME

That first production model was called the 5T71.

Galvin decided he needed to come up with something a little catchier.

In those days many companies in the phonograph and radio businesses used the suffix "ola" for their names –
Radiola, Columbiola, and Victrola were three of the biggest. Galvin decided to do the same thing, and
since his radio was intended for use in a motor vehicle, he decided to call it the Motorola.

But even with the name change, the radio still had problems:
When Motorola went on sale in 1930, it cost about $110 uninstalled, at a time when you could buy a
brand-new car for $650, and the country was sliding into the Great Depression.

(By that measure, a radio for a new car would cost about $3,000 today.)

In 1930 it took two men several days to put in a carradio --

The dashboard had to be taken apart so that the receiver and a single speaker could be installed, and the ceiling had to be cut open to install the antenna.
These early radios ran on their own batteries, not on the car battery, so holes had to be cut into the floorboard to accommodate them.

The installation manual had eight complete diagrams and 28 pages of instructions.

Selling complicated car radios that cost 20 percent of the price of a brand-new car wouldn't have been easy in the best of
times, let alone during the Great Depression --

Galvin lost money in 1930 and struggled for a couple of years after that.

But things picked up in 1933 when Ford began offering Motorola's pre-installed at the factory.

In 1934 they got another boost when Galvin struck a deal with B.F. Goodrich tire company to sell and install them in its chain of tire stores.
By then the price of the radio, installation included, had dropped to $55. The Motorola car radio was off and running.
(The name of the company would be officially changed from Galvin Manufacturing to "Motorola" in 1947.)

In the meantime, Galvin continued to develop new uses for car radios.

In 1936, the same year that it introduced push-button tuning, it also introduced the Motorola Police Cruiser, a standard car radio that was factory
preset to a single frequency to pick up police broadcasts.

In 1940 he developed with the first handheld two-way radio -- The Handie-Talkie -- for the U. S. Army.

A lot of the communications technologies that we take for granted today were born in Motorola labs in the years that followed World War II.

In 1947 they came out with the first television to sell under $200.

In 1956 the company introduced the world's first pager; in 1969 it supplied the radio and television equipment that was used to televise
Neil Armstrong's first steps on the Moon.

In 1973 it invented the world's first handheld cellular phone.

Today Motorola is one of the largest cell phone manufacturer in the world --

And it all started with the car radio.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO

The two men who installed the first radio in Paul Galvin's car, Elmer Wavering and William Lear, ended up taking very different paths in life.

Wavering stayed with Motorola. In the1950's he helped change the automobile experience again when he developed the first automotive
alternator, replacing inefficient and unreliable generators.

The invention lead to such luxuries as power windows, power seats, and,eventually, air-conditioning.

Lear also continued inventing.

He holds more than 150 patents. Remember eight-track tape players? Lear invented that.

But what he's really famous for are his contributions to the field of aviation.

He invented radio direction finders for planes, aided in the invention of the autopilot, designed the first fully automatic aircraft landing system,
and in 1963 introduced his most famous invention of all, the Lear Jet, the world's first mass-produced, affordable business jet.

(Not bad for a guy who dropped out of school after the eighth grade.)

Sometimes it is fun to find out how some of the many things that we take for granted actually came into being!
and
It all started with a woman's suggestion!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 28, 2013, 10:00:04 AM

Now this is pitiful, but it fits the mold,
Ranks Right Up There.

I don't know whether to laugh or cry...

You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real
problem.

In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to
be President of the United States .. It was pretty simple. The candidate
must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the
requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that
this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the
floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a natural
born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by
C-section?"

Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our
elections! They breed, and they walk among US...

Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did!

ABSOLUTELY FRIGHTENING!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 28, 2013, 10:02:51 AM

Subject: Being a dick
    1.
It ain't easy
being a dick      2.
I've got a head I
can't think with
   3.
An eye I can't
see out of      4.
I have to hang
around with two
nuts all the time
   5.
My closest neighbor
is a real asshole      6.
My best friend
is a pussy
   7.
and every time I get
excited I throw up!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 29, 2013, 09:19:53 PM

Doesn't the warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry bring a tear to the eye?

We are blessed to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.

A Poem About Tomatoes

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know a Muslim whose name is Jim,

I love throwing tomatoes at him,

Tomatoes are soft & don't hurt the skin,

But these do, 'cos they're still in the tin !!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 29, 2013, 09:30:30 PM

I get this poem every winter & every winter I love re-reading it.
It's a beautiful poem and very well written.

A poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

Shit
ITS COLD

The End.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 29, 2013, 09:34:26 PM

Son: “Dad we’re learning about prisms at school.They’re fascinating

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

Cyril Smith is accused of having abused kids throughout his career. Well I’m sorry, but if you couldn’t run faster than that fat bastard you deserved a good spanking!

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”

Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 29, 2013, 09:39:39 PM

In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying.The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips.The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader..

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " "DON'T SELL THAT COW."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 30, 2013, 02:02:23 PM

HOLE IN THE WALL

A man took a poop in a gas station and then realized there was no toilet paper. There was a hole in the wall and a sign above it that read: "When you go to the bathroom, wipe yourself with your index finger, stick it through this hole and it will be thoroughly cleaned."
The man did exactly what the sign said, but when he stuck his finger through the hole, someone at the other side slapped two bricks together against his finger and because of the pain he stuck his finger in his mouth and started to suck on it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 30, 2013, 02:10:29 PM

THE UNCONCERNED WIDOW

An old man and woman hate each other, but remain married for years. During their shouting fights, the old man constantly warns his wife, "If I die first, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

One day, the man abruptly dies. After the burial, the wife goes straight to the local bar and begins to party. Her friends ask if she isn't worried about her husband digging himself out of the grave.

The wife smiles, "Let the old bugger dig. I had him buried upside down!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 30, 2013, 02:11:20 PM

THE DEVOUT CATHOLIC WOMAN

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.

At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together."

Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?"

The priest replied, "I mean her legs."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 30, 2013, 10:00:34 PM

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the Yorkshire Show every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that there 'elicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid,

And twenty quid is twenty quid! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that there 'elicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that 'elicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say

a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's twenty quid. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't..

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you t'truth

I almost said summat when Blanche fell out,

But tha' knows,

twenty quid is twenty quid! "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: BillH52 on January 31, 2013, 11:48:32 AM

1. "Jesus" clip - A spring clip that holds a pin in place.
"Hand me that Jesus clip". <sound of clip flying to the other end of the garage>
Jesus! Where did it go?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 31, 2013, 11:57:06 AM

LITTLE JOHNNY... NICKELS AND DIMES

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on January 31, 2013, 07:23:50 PM

Two aliens landed in the Nullarbor near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”

The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.

The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I were you.”

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.

Ticked off at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”

The older alien again warned his comrade saying, “You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.”

“Rubbish”, replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 50 metres away.

Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.

“What a ferocious creature!” exclaimed the young, fried alien. “He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?”

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, “If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, it’s that you never fool with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 31, 2013, 07:40:28 PM

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as they are. If you can't give me the correct answer, however, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, alright. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal? "

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment) , all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor, and asks his favourite student to answer.

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student. "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 22 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A", which is neither legal nor logical !!!!!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 31, 2013, 09:44:36 PM

Englishman, American, Frenchman and a Pole on top of the Eiffel Tower.

The American throws a load of money off the top.

"Why did you do that," ask the others?

"We have so much money in the States I can afford to do it," says the American.

"Ok," says the Frenchman and throws a bottle of

champagne off the top, saying, "we have so much champagne in France I can afford to do it."

The Pole looks at the Englishman and says

" Don't you fucking dare!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 01, 2013, 08:56:05 PM

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Xv1tMioGgXI?rel=0

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 02, 2013, 01:05:22 PM

Subject: The Chili Cookoff
Date: Sunday, January 31, 1999 5:04 PM

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted
to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment
and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking
directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the
other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides,
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted
this as being one of those burdens you endure when you’re an internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno
tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted
to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her.

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a
pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to
stop screaming.

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number
3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy,
they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too
painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just
let it in through the hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild

nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell
and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
all, not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: —————————

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 02, 2013, 01:21:56 PM

So this guy gets on an airplane, locates his seat and finds that he is setting next to, of all people, the Pope.

“Wow”, he thinks, “I’ve always been a big admirer of His Holiness, but what do I say to him?”

Then he sees the Pope pull out his newspaper and start to work the crossword puzzle. “This is great, I’m a whiz at crosswords”

Soon the Pope says, “Excuse me sir, but do you know a four letter word that refers to a woman and ends in U-N-T. Well, of course, a word immediately springs to mind, but he thinks “Geez, I can’t say THAT to the Pope.” So the guy gives the Pope a sheepish shrug and tells him that he can’t think of anything.

However, A few minutes later, a thought come to him. Excuse me sir, I think that the word you were looking for was “aunt”.

“”Yes, yes, the Pope smiles, “that must be right, say, do you have an eraser

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 02, 2013, 03:21:46 PM

DISGRACING THE FAMILY

There was this virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. So, the gramdmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to feel your breast, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs, you are going to like that but, don't let him do that. But most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that but, don't let him do that, it will disgrace the family.”
With that bit of advice, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. So, the next day she told her grandmother that her date went just like she had said. "But," she said, "I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried that I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 02, 2013, 03:23:17 PM

BROOM FACTORY

A blonde has been working in a broom factory since childhood, despite the state's strict anti-child labor laws, and has always been a good worker. But one day, she storms into her boss' office.
"I quit! That's it, I'm not working here anymore!"
"Why?" asks the boss. "What's the problem?"
"I've been working here for so long that I've grown the broom bristles between my legs. I can't take it anymore."
"Listen," the boss says. "That's perfectly normal. Look, I have those too."
"Oh, my God!" she exclaims. "It's worse than I thought! You've also grown a broom handle!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 02, 2013, 03:25:26 PM

FARMER AND THE COW

A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied, "Some things you just can't explain. This morning I was outside milking. As soon as the bucket was fill the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milkin'' him again he knocked down the bucket with his with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2013, 08:25:24 PM

Definition of Handsome

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha says,
"Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of the educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2013, 09:07:37 PM

Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black", the non racist version of "Snow White", has been put on hold .
All of the 7 dwarfs : Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Car Jack, Drive By, Pimp and Wog, have refused to sing "Hi Ho...."
And they say they have no freaking intention of "Going off to work".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 05, 2013, 08:57:21 PM

IF YOU'VE EVER BEEN CALLED FOR JURY DUTY THEN YOU HAVE TO KNOW THIS IS
These are from a book called: "Disorder in the American Courts",
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court
reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about
it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers
and our nation is so screwed up.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 05, 2013, 09:03:13 PM

An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
> wined and dined by the State Department.
> The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
> cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his
> manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.
> Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of
> water, but then came the time when he returned empty handed.
>
> "Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water?" demanded the
diplomat.
>
> "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.
> "But a man is sitting on the well!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JimNasium on February 06, 2013, 04:31:01 PM

The South African Minister of Agriculture, Tina Joemat-Petterson was visiting a farm and feigned interest in farming.
“Why does that cow not have horns?” she asked.
“There are several reasons why some cattle do not have horns”, answers the farmer patiently.
“Horns can hurt other animals and for this reason some farmers de-horn their animals chemically or with a de-horning iron that works with heat or with a horn cutter or even with a saw. Some breeds of cattle are even born totally without horns. But this particular cow does not have horns because it’s a fcuking horse.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 06, 2013, 08:43:06 PM

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the Best

patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants

on my operating table because when you open them up, everything

inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try

electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians

are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like

construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have

a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when

he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine..

Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 08, 2013, 03:47:33 PM

The Hunting Accident
A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your eye."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 08, 2013, 08:52:09 PM

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard.

Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 08, 2013, 09:29:19 PM

-An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks:

-How do you stay in such great physical condition?

-I'm Italian and I am a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.

-Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

-Who said my Father's dead?

-You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?

-'He's 100 years old. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

-Well, the doctor says, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

-'Who said my Nono's dead?

-You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living !!! Incredible, how old is he?

-He's 118 years old ' says the Old Italian golfer.

-The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, so I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?

-'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

-At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married !!! Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

-'Who said he wanted to?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 09, 2013, 08:48:46 PM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, waiting outside the operating Room.

The first kid leans over and asks, ‘What are you in here for?’

The second kid says, ‘I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.’

The first kid says, ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.’

The second kid then asks, ‘What are you in here for?’

The first kid says, ‘A circumcision.’

And the second kid says, ‘Whoa, good luck with that one, buddy! I had that done when I was BORN ... Couldn’t walk for 18 months.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:45:44 PM

In a Tottenham church on Sunday morning a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over,
please come forward to the front of the altar."With that, Leroy got in line and when it was his turn the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing. The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and the whole congregation joined in with much enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:47:45 PM

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

David Bissonette

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

Sacha Guitry

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.

Anonymous

The great question, which I have not been able to answer... Is, "What does a woman want?"

Dumas

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

'Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.'

Anonymous

'There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.'

Sam Kinison

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Patrick Murra

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once....

Nash

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.

Anonymous

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.

Henny Youngman

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Rodney Dangerfield

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:49:10 PM

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was
waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus
stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height
of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind
her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time, attempted the step, and, once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With little smile to the driver,
she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make
the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know
who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:50:29 PM

Three people were able to walk on water...

There was Jesus...

There was Saint Peter

and there was Pedro...

Pedro, who the f**k is Pedro?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:55:48 PM

A Golfer’s Story

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table,took his wife's hand in his and said,"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that.. Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 173 more votes?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:56:39 PM

Today's word is.................. Fluctuations

(I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.)

I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady
in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.
It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller,

"Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla of yen.
Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2013, 09:59:17 PM

Generation "Y"

People born before 1946 were called The Silent and Powerful Generation

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called Generation X

People born between 1980 and 2012 are called Generation Y

Why do we call the last group
Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently

below...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 11, 2013, 09:01:19 AM

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his mobile, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 11, 2013, 09:03:20 AM

A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, (US Pro Golfer) "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 11, 2013, 09:04:24 AM

Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody 3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did."

The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 11, 2013, 09:05:20 AM

The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2013, 11:47:53 AM

"G'day mate, Foster's Helpline - what's the problem mate?"

"I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet...now her vagina has completely closed up!!!"

"Bummer mate"

"Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2013, 09:35:08 PM

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell. It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says with a sneer: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake, he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back, or I’ll sue!"

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 12, 2013, 09:35:39 PM

After being married for 40 years, I took a
careful look at my wife one day and said,

"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a
junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a
10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.

Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00
car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but
I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems
to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me
to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she
would make sure that I would once again be living
in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on
a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and
white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know
how to solve an old guy's problems.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 13, 2013, 09:24:23 AM

CHURCH

One Sunday morning, a little girl and her mother go to church. Halfway through, the little girl tells her mother she's going to be sick. Her mother tells her to go in the bushes behind the church. The girl leaves and comes back after about five minutes. Her mother asks her if she threw up.
''Yes," the girl says. "But I didn't have to go all the way 'round the back. There was a box near the front door that said 'For the Sick.'''

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 13, 2013, 09:04:27 PM

The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close
to me and sat down.
She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return.
She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

'So, does that make you feel good ?' she asked. 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 17, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the National School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.'

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go. But she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

'How do you feel now,' she purred.

'OK' I replied

Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, re-gathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'til full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal to win the match.”

"Ahhh...." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!

She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect cunt?'

'I certainly have,' I answered,

'I missed the kick.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 13, 2013, 09:06:43 PM

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every now and then he'd hear an internal

reassuring voice in his head that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice in his head

would bring him back to reality.

Whispering.......
Dave..........
Dave .............

Dave........

Dave..........

..........you're a vet.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 14, 2013, 12:28:53 AM

THE DOCTOR'S CONVENTION

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.''
Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 14, 2013, 12:31:15 AM

ACCIDENT ON THE GOLF COURSE

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 14, 2013, 09:44:25 AM

A MAN'S LOGIC

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me." The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 15, 2013, 10:50:52 AM

When I bought my iphone, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees,
all without a mobile phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with
Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their
spouses, 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I
figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl,
Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twittererific Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message
to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel
movements of my entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I now keep my iphone in
the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and
then going over to the supermarket or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the
Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I used it once when I was standing
in line at Tesco talking to my wife and everyone within 50 mtrs was glaring at me. I had taken out
my hearing aid to use it, and I was talking little loud!

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was
the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would
sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could
barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn when
possible. Then if I made a right turn instead, well, it was not a good relationship..

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross roads and while
she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house.
We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I can lose three phones all at
once and have to run around digging under chair cushions and checking bathrooms and the dirty
laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the
supermarkets. You would think they could make a decision themselves, but this sudden "Paper or
Plastic?" every time I check out just leaves me confused. I bought some of those cloth reusable
bags to avoid looking stupid, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now when they ask me, "Paper or Plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-
sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I
answered, No, but I do x a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 50. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those
who are.

We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote
are already more than we can handle.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 15, 2013, 08:28:49 PM

I LOVE MY JOB

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!

This is even funnier when you realize it's real!

Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.

Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana

He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.

She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in
Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.

Read his letter below...

~Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office.
I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma
with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.
Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few
technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.

It's a wet suit.

This time of year the water is quite cool.

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.

This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.

It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air
hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no
complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it
down the back of my wet suit.

This floods my whole suit with warm water.

It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.

So, of course, I scratched it.

This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.

I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.

In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.

Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it,
however, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish
into the crack of my ass.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.

His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers,
were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling
thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry
decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in
the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my ass was
swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be
if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!

Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 16, 2013, 09:14:43 PM

A woman has been taken into hospital after eating horse meat burgers from Tesco
Her condition is said to be stable

Not entirely sure how Tesco are going to get over this hurdle.
Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger. So I had a £5 each way !

Tesco Quarter Pounders: The affordable way to buy your daughter the pony that she's
always wanted!

Had a burger from tesco for my tea last night...I still have a bit between my teeth.

Tesco are now testing all their vegetarian burgers for traces of unicorn

Anyone want a burger from Tesco? Yay or Neigh?

"I've just checked the Tesco burgers in my freezer...AND THEY'RE OFF"

"I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse....."

Tesco now forced to deny presence of zebra in burgers, as shoppers confuse barcodes
for serving suggestions.

A cow walks into a bar. Barman says 'why the long face?'
Cow says 'Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!'

I hear the smaller version of those Tesco burgers make great horse d'oeuvres.
Said to the Mrs, 'These Tesco burgers given me terrible trots..'

To beef or not to beef.
That is equestrian

Is it a coincidence that HAMBURGERS is a anagram of ....SHERGARS BUM?
(Shergar was a famous Irish racehorse)

These Tesco burger jokes are going on a bit. Talk about flogging a dead.. NO! NO NO NO!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 16, 2013, 09:23:23 PM

A Californian and an Arizonian were Elk hunting in the Arizona mountains when an illegal alien runs across a clearing.

The Arizonian takes careful aim, shoots, and kills him.

"You can't do that!" cried the Californian.

"It's legal here in Arizona " replies the Arizonian.

Later that night the Californian goes to town to buy some beer from Wal-Mart. He puts the beer on the roof of his truck and while he's making room behind the seat, an illegal alien runs by, grabs the beer, and runs away.

The Californian draws his pistol, shoots, and kills him.

As he is retrieving his beer the police come and arrest him.

"But I thought it was legal to shoot illegal aliens here in Arizona !" protests the Californian.

"Well yeah," says the cop, "but you can't use bait."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 17, 2013, 03:28:17 PM

EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

I don't know who writes this stuff but a lot of it is so correct.

Eating in the UK in the Fifties:

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

Olive oil was kept in the medicine cabinet

Spices came from the Middle East where they were used for embalming

Herbs were used to make rather dodgy medicine.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

The only vegetables known to us were spuds, peas, carrots and cabbage,

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.

Condiments consisted of salt, pepper, vinegar and ketchup and brown sauce if we were lucky.

Soft drinks were called pop.

Coke was something that we put on the fire.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

A Pizza Hut was an Italian shed.

A microwave was something out of a science fiction movie.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Bread and jam was a treat.

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Figs and dates only appeared at Christmas.

Coconuts only appeared when the fair came to town.

Jellied eels were peculiar to Londoners.

Salad cream was a dressing for salads, mayonnaise did not exist

Hors d'oeuvre was a spelling mistake.

The starter was our main meal. Soup was a main meal.

Only Heinz made beans.

Leftovers went in the dog.

Special food for dogs and cats was unheard of.

Fish was only eaten on Fridays.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

Ready meals only came from the fish and chip shop.

For the best taste fish and chips had to be eaten out of newspapers.

Frozen food was called ice cream.

Nothing ever went off in the fridge because we never had one.

Ice cream only came in one colour and one flavour.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Jelly and blancmange was only eaten at parties.

If we said that we were on a diet, we simply got less.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India .

Brunch was not a meal.

If we had eaten bacon lettuce and tomato in the same sandwich we would
have been certified

A bun was a small cake back then.

The word" Barbie" was not associated with anything to do with food.

Eating outside was a picnic.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

Pancakes were only eaten on Pancake Tuesday

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food..

Hot dogs were a type of sausage that only the Americans ate.

Cornflakes had arrived from America but it was obvious they would never
catch on.

The phrase "boil in the bag" would have been beyond comprehension.

The idea of "oven chips" would not have made any sense at all to us.

The world had not heard of Pot Noodles, Instant Mash and Pop Tarts.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being
white gold.

Lettuce and tomatoes in winter were only found abroad.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly muesli was readily available in those days, it was called
cattle feed.

Turkeys were definitely seasonal.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a
real one.

Mushrooms were an occasional treat

We never heard of Croissants; we certainly couldn't pronounce it.

We thought that Baguettes were a problem the French needed to deal with.

Garlic was used to ward off vampires, but never used to flavour food.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

Food hygiene was all about washing your hands before meals.

Campylobacter, Salmonella, E.coli, Listeria, and Botulism were all
called "food poisoning."

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ....
elbows.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Albert on February 17, 2013, 03:48:54 PM

So glad times have changed.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2013, 03:53:36 PM

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says,"What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says,"Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2013, 03:54:41 PM

A little old lady went to Fareway to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check out counter.

The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but Jim says we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but Jim wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, "That smells like shit."

The little old lady said, "It is. I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."
~~~~Don't mess with old people.~~~~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2013, 03:58:07 PM

PREGNANT AT 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.
After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What the heck is the matter with you?!"the older doctor demanded."
Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
*
*
*]
*
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2013, 03:58:43 PM

A plane is on its way to Melbourne, when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down in a spare seat.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. On producing her cheaper ticket, the attendant tells the blonde
passenger that she's only paid for Economy and that she will have to go and sit in the back.

The blonde replies: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The frustrated flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First
Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the First Class cabin and tries to explain to the blonde that because she only paid for Economy she is only
entitled to an Economy place and she will have to leave and return to her original seat.

The blonde replies once again: "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying just where I am! "

Exasperated, the co-pilot tells the pilot that it was no use, and that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.

The pilot says: "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and over the years I've learnt to speak fluent blonde!"

The co-pilot is immediately dubious and at the same time curious.

The pilot goes back to the blonde, whispers something in her ear.

She replies: "Oh dear, I am sorry, I had no idea," gets up and moves back to her seat in the rear of the aircraft.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed, and asked the pilot what he said to make her return to her seat without any fuss.

The Pilot replies: "I told her First Class isn't going to Melbourne".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2013, 03:59:38 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 19, 2013, 08:59:00 PM

An Italian MaMa

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner.

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:

Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

Moral:

Never Bulla Shita you MaMa

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 19, 2013, 09:06:41 PM

Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JimNasium on February 20, 2013, 10:14:58 AM

Thanks TBWG. For the benefit of those who do NOT read Persian:

If you can not find the light went shadow eyes and stared at the wall.
We can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. The left
If you can not find the light went shadow eyes staring at the wall and we can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. We went to the wall and staring eye shadow role again dan do not go light on the walls of the staring shadow Pydanyst Masayh
We can not wait to don the shadow of the wall and staring eyes light if the light went Pydanyst the wall and staring eyes Mapyda

It is not the role

Makes perfect sence...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Prakhonchai Nick on February 20, 2013, 10:20:48 AM

Words of wisdom!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on February 20, 2013, 10:31:49 AM

Quote from: JimNasium on February 20, 2013, 10:14:58 AM

Thanks TBWG. For the benefit of those who do NOT read Persian:

If you can not find the light went shadow eyes and stared at the wall.
We can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. The left
If you can not find the light went shadow eyes staring at the wall and we can not wait to don the role of light in the shadows if shadows disappeared. We went to the wall and staring eye shadow role again dan do not go light on the walls of the staring shadow Pydanyst Masayh
We can not wait to don the shadow of the wall and staring eyes light if the light went Pydanyst the wall and staring eyes Mapyda

It is not the role

Makes perfect sence...

I'm sure this is an extract from Julia Gillard's last policy speech. :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Nobby on February 20, 2013, 11:13:13 AM

Quote from: Prakhonchai Nick on February 20, 2013, 10:20:48 AM

Words of wisdom!

Norman?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on February 20, 2013, 05:01:41 PM

Quote from: TBWG on February 19, 2013, 09:06:41 PM

Fantastic News from Social Security concerning Pensions and Benefits

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت
نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگر رفت سايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا

نيست نقش
If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

TBWG ... Thanks for the post. Now, I'm sure it kept some of us amused and diving for the translator ... but I've missed the point of your post completely ???

I just knew that reading Hustler during the Persian language & culture lessons in High School was going to come back and bite me one day !!

Perhaps it's a coded message to the 1000's of Persian expats living quietly in Buriram ... now is the time to rise up and underwhelm the locals !!

Or is it just simply a message that Makro has Pydanst Masayh's on special this week ??

I eagerly await your reply. My curiosity bubbleth over.

My Persian is a little rusty, but my Swahili is fine.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 20, 2013, 08:17:39 PM

The doctor said, 'Harry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell
of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

I was shocked and depressed. I wondered if I had anything to live for. I had no choice but to go under the knife.
When I left the hospital, I was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but I felt like I was missing an
important part of myself. As I walked down the street, I realized that I felt like a different person. I could make
a new beginning and live a new life.

I saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

I entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed me briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

I laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

I tried on the suit it fitted perfectly.

As I, admired myself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

I thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed me and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

I was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

I tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly.

I walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

I thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

I laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles
up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 20, 2013, 08:18:21 PM

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking
deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JimNasium on February 21, 2013, 10:38:06 AM

Quote from: TBWG on February 20, 2013, 08:18:21 PM

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

"Almost but not as much as shuttlecock."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 21, 2013, 05:28:21 PM

WALKS INTO A BAR... MONKEY EATS EVERYTHING

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table -- whole!"

"Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again. He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on February 21, 2013, 05:30:08 PM

WALKS INTO A BAR... THREE TESTS

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on February 23, 2013, 05:15:27 PM

When Women Say ... she's really thinking

Yes ... No
No ... Yes
I'm sorry ... You'll be sorry
We need ... I want
Up to you ... The decision I want you to make should be blindingly obvious to you by now
Do whatever you want ... You'll pay for it later
We need to talk ... I need to complain
Sure, go ahead ... You'd better not if you know what's good for you
I'm NOT upset ... Of course I'm upset, you idiot
You're so manly ... You need a shave and a shower
Be romantic, turn off the lights ... I have flabby bits
This kitchen is so inconvenient ... I want a new house
I'd like new curtains ... And a new bed, furniture, big screen TV, carpets
I just heard a noise ... I just noticed you had fallen asleep
Do you love me ? ... I'm going to ask you for something expensive
How much do you love me ? ... I did something today that you're not going to like
You have to learn to communicate ... Just agree with me
I'll be ready in a minute ... I'll be ready in 10 minutes
TGF I'll be ready at 6pm ... I'll be ready anywhere between 6.15pm and 7.15pm

When Men Say ... he's really thinking

I'm hungry ... I'm hungry
I'm tired ... I'm tired
Do you want to go out to see a movie ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
May I have this dance ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
Nice dress ... Nice cleavage
You look tense, you want my famous massage ? ... I'd like to have sex with you
You look upset, what's wrong ? ... What stupid, self inflicted, psychological drama is it this time
I'm bored ... Do you want to have sex ?
I love you ... Do you want to have sex ?
I love you too ... OK, I said it, now can we have sex ?
Of course I don't mind that you've gained a few extra kgs ... I'm such a liar
Yes, I like your new hairstyle ... I like the old one much better
Those flat sandals and knee length dress look nice ... So wish it was the 4" stilettos and red mini
I don't think that ruffled chiffon top and plaid pleted skirt go together ... I'm so gay

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 23, 2013, 09:38:52 PM

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing
on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot
a rescue boat coming...
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe
my eyes.
There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've
finally lost your mind."
But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face
up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered,
yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been
on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 24, 2013, 08:31:14 PM

Old Sailor & the Working Girl

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times’ sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,
'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots? he asks.. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 24, 2013, 08:34:18 PM

Wow this thread now has over 50,000 views so I look forward to my award from Admin. brick1

Or another way of looking at it is that there is an awful lot of farangs sitting about with a lot of spare time on their hands!

Whatever keep it up!

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 24, 2013, 08:38:46 PM

"I'm 74 and Tired" Worth reading... By Bill Cosby

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand

"I'm 74 and I'm Tired"

I'm 74. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic.. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's and even 40’s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 24, 2013, 08:41:13 PM

Roses are red,
Violets are glorious,
Don't try to surprise
Oscar Pistorius.
--
New evidence has been found outside the Pistorious home that could completely acquit him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints.
--
Oscar Pistorius has murdered his girlfriend.

Proof that even a man with no legs has a better shot than any Bafana Bafana striker.
--
Oscar Pistorius. Just because he has no legs doesn't mean he's unarmed.
--
I guess Oscar Pistorius just got cold feet about the relationship
--
She didn't notice Oscar sneaking up behind her. It was the silence of the limbs.
--
When Oscar Pistorius said he wanted to be just like able bodied athletes, who would have thought he meant OJ Simpson?
--
What did Oscar Pistorius get for Valentine's day?... 20 years.
--
Shame about Oscar Pistorius the man had the world at his knees.
--
It must have been dark when Oscar Pitorius shot his girlfriend. He said he could not see two feet in front of him
--
And the Oscar goes to .......(drumroll)...... JAIL
--
Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name. Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument.
--
A young woman is dead and the up and coming athlete Oscar Pistorious' life is ruined and people are already making jokes about it. That's prosthetic... I mean pathetic.
--
Oscar Pistorius 'shoots girlfriend' This is the sort of behaviour from celebrities that we need to stump out.
--
Just like every other intruder in South Africa, Reeva Steenkamp was blonde, white and beautiful. It's an easy mistake.
--
Well, at least someone’s Valentine started off with a bang !!
--
Take your marks, get set .....BANG
--
Oscar will be pleading diminished responsibility. He was intoxicated & legless

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 24, 2013, 09:47:00 PM

Bill says he didn't write it:

http://billcosby.com/2011/09/if-you-got-the-bogus-email-its-time-to-hit-delete/ (http://billcosby.com/2011/09/if-you-got-the-bogus-email-its-time-to-hit-delete/)

Quote from: TBWG on February 24, 2013, 08:38:46 PM

"I'm 74 and Tired" Worth reading... By Bill Cosby

This should be required reading for every man, woman and child in Jamaica,
the UK , United States of America , Canada , Australia and New Zealand

"I'm 74 and I'm Tired"

I'm 74. Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National
Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some serious
health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly
40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my
income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as
though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired.

I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic.. I'm tired of being told the government will take
the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy
to earn it.

I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help
support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ
rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses
or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all
parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful
mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting
caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination
or big-whatever for their problems.

I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and
early 20's and even 40’s be-deck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making
themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government.

Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 74. Because, mostly, I'm not
going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for
my granddaughter and her children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not
on the way in.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us
sends it on!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 26, 2013, 07:47:06 PM

Subject: Paddy

Paddy goes into Wetherspoons and asks how much are the cocktails?

The Barman says, "£4 a glass and £10 for a Pitcher"

Paddy replied "I'll have a glass, x the photo!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 27, 2013, 07:57:19 PM

635 Employees

Thought you might find this interesting ......

I bet this will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but has the following Employee Statistics.

29 have been accused of spouse abuse,
7 have been arrested for fraud,
9 have been accused of writing bad cheques,
17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses,
3 have done time for assault,
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit,
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges,
8 have been arrested for shoplifting,
21 are currently defendants in lawsuits,
84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year,

And collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses!

Which organisation is this?

It's the 635 members of the House of Commons.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year designed to keep the rest of us in line.

What a bunch of crooks we have running our country - it says it all..

And just to top all that they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country - whilst trying to ensure that everyone

else has the worst possible !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 27, 2013, 08:01:30 PM

Grins and Snickers

I was in the 'Six Item Express' lane at the supermarket, quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So - which six items would you like to buy?"

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?
------------------------------------------------------------
Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
------------------------------------------------------------
The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
------------------------------------------------------------
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom, the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
------------------------------------------------------------
Women and cats will do as they please; and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
------------------------------------------------------------
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
-------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
-------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob.."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi.
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes;" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 28, 2013, 09:54:47 PM

British humour..........politically incorrect !

It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Following the riots in Tottenham, it's important to remind
ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical thieves
and arsonists. The vast majority are drug dealers
and rapists.

Ngogo Mwambi has to travel 5 miles every day for fresh water,
7 miles every day for food & 10 miles every day for
medicine for him & his family. This is because the daft
bastard and all his mates torched the Peckham Spar,
Tottenham KFC and Hackney Medical Centre and now
he has to walk to Croydon for his breakfast.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
million pounds worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as
high as 1.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I
saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just
on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London. Apparently the giant couldn't smell any
Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
Doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've
found that a bacon sandwich does the trick.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Albert on March 01, 2013, 02:26:58 PM

Has this ever happened to you?

It's amazing what a cheap suit and a rented car can get you.

"https://www.facebook.com/video/embed?video_id=115102942008941"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 01, 2013, 02:58:33 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Yn0ey0vePwI

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 02, 2013, 03:28:28 PM

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.

I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently " A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call no 69

I've just fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. . . . . .It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls!

A Muslim has died whilst training to be a skydiver. The BNP School of Diving said they had no idea why his snorkel and flippers did not open.

Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife.
Bound to end in tears though; she's crap at snooker.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!

Got a new Jack Russell pup today, he's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him Bradford.

If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine 'flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.

They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 03, 2013, 03:23:25 PM

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three

very hefty women talking at the bar.

Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and

asked, "Hello, are you three ladies from Scotland ?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!"

So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are
you three whales from Scotland ?"

And that's the last thing I remember.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2013, 09:15:21 PM

One day a Barnsley man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.."

"Amazing," he notes... "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron, I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and a treehouse.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice"

"It's not coconut juice" winks the woman, "I have a still, how would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk..
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the Barnsley lad goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end
inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then
beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like right now, something you've been longing for,
right?" She stares into his eye.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean ..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've made a chip pan?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2013, 09:24:09 PM

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her
Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book
without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the
name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have
wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes
water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said..

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about
living up to her promise..

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for
breath and Paddy said

"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 04, 2013, 09:26:30 PM

How times and politicians have changed....**
> I read Truman's biography and it contained the following information and a
> LOT more. I gained a new appreciation of President Truman. **
>
> *Thought you'd enjoy this! *****
> *It's one you want your Children and Grandchildren to read. *****
> *They won't believe this happened, but it DID.*****
> *Harry & Bess*
> *(This seems unreal.)* ****

> *Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many,
> or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the
> other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may
> rest on what he did after he left the White House.
>
> The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in
> Independence Missouri . His wife had inherited the house from her mother
> and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their
> entire lives there.
>
> When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension
> reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was
> paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an
> 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.
>
> After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to
> Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
>
> When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating,
> "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't
> belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
>
> Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the
> Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I
> don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any
> award, Congressional or otherwise."
>
> As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
>
> Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the
> Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have
> found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their
> offices. Political offices are now for sale (cf. Illinois ).
>
> Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life
> were either to be a piano player in a whore house or a politician. And to
> tell the truth, there's hardly any difference!"
>
> I say dig him up and clone him!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 05, 2013, 08:55:07 PM

Yorkshire Farmer

A farmer in Yorkshire sees a man drinking from his stream, so he shouts ,

“Ey up cocker, tha dunt wanna be drinkin watta frum theer, its full o hoss piss an cow shite an it could kill thee”

The man says: "Excuse me Sir, I am a muslim from Pakistan , can you be speaking clearer and slower please”

The farmer replies: " if....you.... Use.... Two .....Hands....... You.....Wont.... Spill ....Any"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on March 06, 2013, 06:16:41 PM

WALKS INTO A BAR... THE BALLERINA

A good looking woman walks into a bar wearing a tube top. She raises her hand to signal the bartender for a beer, revealing that she does not shave her armpits.

Meanwhile, a sloppy drunk on the other side of the bar signals the bartender, "Buy that ballerina over there a drink on me."

The bartender replies, "What makes you think she's a ballerina?"

"Because," answers the drunken man, "any chick that can lift her leg that high has GOT to be a ballerina."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on March 06, 2013, 06:18:34 PM

WALKS INTO A BAR... DOG DAY AFTERNOON

A guy walks into a bar and orders six shooters. The bartender says, "Looks like you are having a bad day."

The guy says, "Am I ever! I woke up late for work. On my way to work, I got in an accident. When I got to work, I was four hours late, so the boss fired me. To top it off, I came home to my wife screwing my best friend."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your wife?"

The guy says, "I told her to get out, and I never want to see her again."

The bartender says, "What did you say to your best friend?"

The guy says, "BAD DOG!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2013, 08:30:13 PM

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship with an itsy bitsy shooter by a woman against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?

The Beretta Jetfire:

While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of nowhere.

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took...the bear got him and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection.....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2013, 08:32:59 PM

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'
The nun fainted !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2013, 08:35:28 PM

Chicago Schools
are finally starting to teach practical maths that these kids can use in
real-world situations!
NAME____________________________________________________

GANG/CREW
NAME_________________________________________

CRIB_____________________________________________________

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round clip. He usually
misses 6 of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive- by shooting. How
many mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload ?

2. Angel has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to
Antonio for $320
and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street
value of the rest of his shit ?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 ho's. If the price is $85 per trick, how many
tricks per
day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day Crack
habit ?
4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000
to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20%
upside ?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a
Corvette, and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's,
how many more Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's
bail?.

6. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and
the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with
three 8 oz.
Cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over ?
7. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in
his gang.
What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up ?

8. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa Constrictor
that eats 5 rats per week and a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a
week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's income
?

9.
Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his
common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money
will be left when he gets out ?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As
Marvin skates away at 15 mph, Juan loads his
357 Magnum
piece. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will
Marvin be when
he gets whacked
?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2013, 10:09:16 PM

Heaven or Hell
An old lady dies and goes to Heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and sodomised.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2013, 10:15:49 PM

Her First Date

This is probably the funniest date story ever, first date or not!!! We have all had bad dates but this takes the cake.

Jay Leno went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had.

The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!

She said it was midwinter...snowing and quite cold... and the guy had taken her skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City,Utah.

It was a day trip (no overnight).

They were strangers, after all, and had never met before.

The outing was fun but relatively uneventful, until they were headed home late that afternoon.

They were driving back down the mountain, when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra latte!! They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere!

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while. Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her go beside the road, or it would be the front seat of his car.

They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. In the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from peeking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to poles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal..

It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem,

due to the extreme cold.

Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor of the moment, she answered her date's concerns about 'what is taking so long?' with a reply that indeed, she was 'freezing her butt off'

and in need of some assistance!

He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing. She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real problem.

Both agreed it would take something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal! Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free.

So, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed in laughter, she took the Tonight Show prize hands down. Or perhaps that should be 'pants down'.

And you thought your first date was embarrassing.

Jay Leno's comment... 'This gives a whole new meaning

to being pissed off.'

Oh and how did the first date turn out?

He became her husband and was sitting next to her

on the Leno show.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 08, 2013, 10:08:00 PM

Great News for YOU during these financially challenging times!

I found a prostitute who charges by the inch.

Obviously, I can't afford her, but I thought
you might enjoy an inexpensive night out.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 09, 2013, 03:10:24 PM

Subject: Medicare Part X

Medicare Part X

New Medicare Senior Program

You’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no nursing home available for you. So what do you do?

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. You are allowed to shoot four Politicians.

Of course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating, air conditioning and all the health care you need! Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a new hip, knees, kidney, lungs or heart? They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you as often as they do now.

And who will be paying for all of this? It’s the same government that just told you that you they cannot afford for you to go into a home.

And you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you are at it.

Plus, and because you are a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any income taxes anymore.

Is this a great country or what?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 09, 2013, 09:07:45 PM

"The son of an illegal immigrant asks his dad:

"Dad, what's democracy?"

"Well, son, that's when the Belgians work, and we get all the benefits from it!"

"But Dad, aren't the Belgian people unhappy about that?"

"Sure they are son, but that's called 'racism.'""

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 12, 2013, 08:58:51 PM

I think it is just terrible

and disgusting how everyone has treated

Lance Armstrong,

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races on drugs.

When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike..!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 13, 2013, 08:10:36 PM

This is all part of the education process.. enjoy!

For those of you who x (and who doesn't?) this is educational. Read carefully!

I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old x receiving it, so if you know any other than me, send it to 'em...

If you bump into an Old x on the sidewalk he will apologize. If you pass an Old x on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.

Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.

This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility, pride in their country and decent values.

We need them now more than ever.

Pass this on to all the Old Farts you know.

I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them.

[attachment deleted by admin]

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 13, 2013, 08:12:46 PM

Seems farts is OK but Fa*t too offensive

Mai Pen Rai

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 13, 2013, 08:53:44 PM

What really died at Auschwitz? Here's an interesting viewpoint.

The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian
Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan 15 2011.
It doesn't take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the
rest of Europe - and possibly to the rest of the world.

THIS WAS IN A SPANISH NEWSPAPER: "EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ"

by Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez

"I walked down the street in Barcelona and suddenly discovered a
terrible truth - Europe died in Auschwitz ... We killed six million
Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned
a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people,

truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who

changed the world.

The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art,

international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world.

These are the people we burned.

And under the pretence of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to
ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our
gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance,
religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to
an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.

They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities
into the third world, drowning in filth and crime. Shut up in the
apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder
and destruction of their naive hosts.

And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical
hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness

and superstition. We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the

Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children,

their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue

death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others,

for our children and theirs.

What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe.

A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they
imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to
themselves. Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust
from its school curriculum because it 'offends' the Muslim population
which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet. However,
this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world
and how easily each country is giving in to it.

It is now more than sixty years after the Second World War in Europe
ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the
six million Jews, twenty million Russians, ten million Christians, and
nineteen-hundred Catholic priests who were 'murdered, raped, burned,
starved, beaten, experimented on and humiliated.' Now, more than ever,
with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is
imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the
memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.

How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Centre
'NEVER HAPPENED' because it offends some Muslim in the United States?
If our Judeo-Christian heritage is offensive to Muslims, they should
pack up and move to Iran, Iraq or some other Muslim country.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 16, 2013, 07:27:49 PM

Three Irish women were walking home one night when they noticed a man passed out under a cart. His upper body was underneath the cart but his kilt and legs were extending out into the sidewalk.

The first woman says, "I wonder who he is?" With no other option to identify him, she discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Och, at least it's not my Angus."

The second woman discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Tank de Virgin, it's not my Paddie."

The third woman discretely lifts the kilt and says, "Ladies, he's not even from our village."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 16, 2013, 07:44:28 PM

A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on March 16, 2013, 07:48:16 PM

Quote from: urleft on March 16, 2013, 07:44:28 PM

A Chinese couple gets married, and she’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either.

On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:

“My daring,” he says, “I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Watchou wan?” he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually replies shyly and unsure, “I wan...numba 69.”

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries, “You wan...beef with brocceri?”

:D Thanks urleft .... best laugh I've had all day !!!!!!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 23, 2013, 11:28:49 AM

Why we shoot deer in the wild:
(A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)

I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up— 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer— no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn’t want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head—almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse —strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:24:12 AM

Subject:Women know how to turn a left-handed compliment

>Happy and Sad…………….
>
>A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychologywhich was explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
>The husband turned to his wife and said,"What a load of absolute bullshit. I bet you can't tell me anythingthat will make me happy and sad at the same time."
>
>She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:24:55 AM

>> TWO IRISH MEN
>
> Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.
>
> After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but
> think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland"
>
> The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"
>
> The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"
>
> The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
>
> The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street
> did you live on in Dublin ?"
>
> The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary
> Street in the old central part of town."
>
> The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I.
>
> And to what school would you have been going?"
>
> The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
>
> The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me,
> what year did you graduate?"
>
> The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
>
> The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
>
> I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight.
>
> Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."
>
> About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
> Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters,
> "It's going to be a long night tonight"
> Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
> "The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:26:23 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:27:39 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:30:03 AM

.

Putin's speech on Feb.04, 2013

This is one time I would recommend to our elected leaders, that they pay attention to the advice of Vladimir Putin....how scary is that? Spread the word and pass this on, and on, and on.

On February 4th, 2013, Vladimir Putin, the Russian president, addressed the Duma, (Russian Parliament), and gave a speech about the tensions with minorities in Russia:

"In Russia live Russians. Any minority, from anywhere, if it wants to live in Russia, to work and eat in Russia, should speak Russian, and should respect the Russian laws. If they prefer Sharia Law, then we advise them to go to those places where that's the state law. Russia does not need minorities. Minorities need Russia, and we will not grant them special privileges, or try to change our laws to fit their desires, no matter how loud they yell 'discrimination'. We better learn from the suicides of America, England, Holland and France, if we are to survive as a nation. The Russian customs and traditions are not compatible with the lack of culture or the primitive ways of most minorities. When this honorable legislative body thinks of creating new laws, it should have in mind the national interest first, observing that the minorities are not Russians.

The politicians in the Duma gave Putin a standing ovation for five minutes.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:30:31 AM

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never
looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly
curious as to why there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special
anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But, now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years
you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior. However, since you are addicted to sex I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you
have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and
redeemed them for cash."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:43:29 AM

- Do you speak English?

- Yes!

- Name?

- Abdul al-Rhazib.

- Sex?

- Three to five times a week.

- No, no...I mean male or female?

- Yes, male, female, sometimes camel.

- Holy cow!

- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.

- But isn't that hostile?

- Horse style, doggy style, any style!

- Oh dear!

- No, no! Deer run too fast...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 27, 2013, 10:47:56 AM

Man's Age -- as Determined by a Trip to Lowe's

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house ... Mowing
the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room or whatever.
You are hot and sweaty, covered in dust, lawn clippings, dirt or paint.
You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the
hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who-knows-what and an
old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home
improvement project you realize you need to run to Lowe's to get something
to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the
following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror
and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you
just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And
you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes.
You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and
comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of
your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the
register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover
the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.
Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you
don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Lowe's. Check yourself in the
mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The hot young thing running
the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is
spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat; wipe the dirt off your hands onto
your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog crap in your
new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear
that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the
register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
Then you remember the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer Bar and
it says, 'I Got Worms .'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog crap
off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You
hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.
The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses
on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Lowe's until the drug store has
your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your
shoes.
The young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your
testicles are hanging out the hole in your crotch.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember
you need to go to Lowe's. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying
to think what it is you are looking for. x out loud and you think
someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who
greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond:

Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who
farted?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Antonio on March 27, 2013, 10:59:23 AM

Quote from: TBWG on March 13, 2013, 08:53:44 PM

What really died at Auschwitz? Here's an interesting viewpoint.

The following is a copy of an article written by Spanish writer Sebastian
Vilar Rodrigez and published in a Spanish newspaper on Jan 15 2011.
It doesn't take much imagination to extrapolate the message to the
rest of Europe - and possibly to the rest of the world.

THIS WAS IN A SPANISH NEWSPAPER: "EUROPEAN LIFE DIED IN AUSCHWITZ"

by Sebastian Vilar Rodrigez

"I walked down the street in Barcelona and suddenly discovered a
terrible truth - Europe died in Auschwitz ... We killed six million
Jews and replaced them with 20 million Muslims. In Auschwitz we burned
a culture, thought, creativity, talent. We destroyed the chosen people,

truly chosen, because they produced great and wonderful people who

changed the world.

The contribution of this people is felt in all areas of life: science, art,

international trade, and above all, as the conscience of the world.

These are the people we burned.

And under the pretence of tolerance, and because we wanted to prove to
ourselves that we were cured of the disease of racism, we opened our
gates to 20 million Muslims, who brought us stupidity and ignorance,
religious extremism and lack of tolerance, crime and poverty, due to
an unwillingness to work and support their families with pride.

They have blown up our trains and turned our beautiful Spanish cities
into the third world, drowning in filth and crime. Shut up in the
apartments they receive free from the government, they plan the murder
and destruction of their naive hosts.

And thus, in our misery, we have exchanged culture for fanatical
hatred, creative skill for destructive skill, intelligence for backwardness

and superstition. We have exchanged the pursuit of peace of the

Jews of Europe and their talent for a better future for their children,

their determined clinging to life because life is holy, for those who pursue

death, for people consumed by the desire for death for themselves and others,

for our children and theirs.

What a terrible mistake was made by miserable Europe.

A lot of Americans have become so insulated from reality that they
imagine America can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to
themselves. Recently, the UK debated whether to remove The Holocaust
from its school curriculum because it 'offends' the Muslim population
which claims it never occurred. It is not removed as yet. However,
this is a frightening portent of the fear that is gripping the world
and how easily each country is giving in to it.

It is now more than sixty years after the Second World War in Europe
ended. This e-mail is being sent as a memorial chain, in memory of the
six million Jews, twenty million Russians, ten million Christians, and
nineteen-hundred Catholic priests who were 'murdered, raped, burned,
starved, beaten, experimented on and humiliated.' Now, more than ever,
with Iran, among others, claiming the Holocaust to be 'a myth,' it is
imperative to make sure the world never forgets.

This e-mail is intended to reach 400 million people. Be a link in the
memorial chain and help distribute this around the world.

How many years will it be before the attack on the World Trade Centre
'NEVER HAPPENED' because it offends some Muslim in the United States?
If our Judeo-Christian heritage is offensive to Muslims, they should
pack up and move to Iran, Iraq or some other Muslim country.

Thankfully not everyone in the world thinks the same.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 29, 2013, 02:07:42 PM

This is your Captain speaking;

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'

One Aussie passenger yelled...

'For x's sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 29, 2013, 02:11:26 PM

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin.
However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hair dryer through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest Beside her:
'Father, may I ask a favour?

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first.

The Customs officer asked:
'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The officer thought this answer strange, so asked:
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the officer said:
'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 02, 2013, 09:19:02 AM

The Sensuous Wife

Upon arriving home from work our hero was greeted by his wife, dressed in a low cut and very sexy dress.

"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" She asked.

"No," said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.

"Uh, nope."

She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 50,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," he said, now really intrigued.

...

...

...

"Go look in the garage..."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 06, 2013, 11:39:32 AM

God was missing for six days.

Eventually, Michael the archangel found him resting on the seventh day. He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downward through the clouds. “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael. “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while Southern Europe is going to be poor.

“Over here, I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s Texas, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people of Texas are going to be handsome, modest, strong of character, intelligent and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”

God smiled. “I will create Washington DC. Wait until you see the idiots I put there!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on April 06, 2013, 11:53:02 AM

Wasn't George Bush from Texas!?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Nobby on April 07, 2013, 07:23:30 AM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner. Took her 15 hours to hoover the house! Turns out she was a Slovak.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt. Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 09, 2013, 04:16:47 PM

DILEMMA

One friend said to the other, “What is a dilemma, actually?”
He replied, “Well, there's nothing better than an example
to illustrate that. Imagine that you are laying in a big bed
with a beautiful naked young woman on one side and a gay man
on the other.

Who are you going to turn your back on?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 09, 2013, 04:17:30 PM

MY FIRST CONDOM
>
> I recall my first time with a condom. I was 17. I went in to
> buy a packet of condoms at Erlichs Drugstore. In those days it took a
> lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because
> everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I
> think her name was Delores) knew what they were for.
>
> She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she
> could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She
> handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly
> answered, No, not really.
>
> So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over
> her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.
>
> Apparently I still looked confused. So, she looked all around
> the store to see if it were empty. It was. Just a minute, she said,
> and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into
> the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her
> bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? She asked.
>
> Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there
> with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip
> the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed
> her panties and lay down on a desk. Well, come on, she said, We don¹t
> have much time.
>
> So I climbed onto her. It was so wonderful that,
> unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done
> within a few moments.
>
> She looked at me with a bit of a frown. Did you put that
> condom on? She asked. I said, sure did, and held up my thumb to show
> her.
>
> Thats when she beat the shit out of me....
>
> Women have always been hard for me to figure out.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 09, 2013, 04:18:26 PM

CAN YOU IMAGINE THE NUN SITTING AT HER DESK GRADING THESE PAPERS, ALL THE WHILE TRYING TO KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE AND MAINTAIN HER COMPOSURE!

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.

KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING 25 STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED.INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD,WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLEOF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY, WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 09, 2013, 04:18:47 PM

Life just gets better as you get older doesn’t it?
A man was in a Coffee Club recently when his stomach started rumbling and he realized that he desperately needed to pass wind. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment he timed his farts to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs he started to feel much better. He finished his coffee and got up to leave when he noticed that everyone in the café was staring at him….

He suddenly remembered that he was listening to his IPod!!

This is what happens when old people start using technology!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 13, 2013, 07:16:21 PM

A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he noticed a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a fire-fighter’s helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
“That sure is a nice fire truck,” he said with admiration.

“Thanks,” the girl replied. The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little partner,” the fire-fighter said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 13, 2013, 07:23:22 PM

Just to prepare you for a few years down the road.
I tried this and it really works!

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE APPROACHING 60

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your

arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 13, 2013, 07:28:14 PM

Sex involving 4 people is called a "foursome".

Sex involving 3 people is called a "threesome".

Sex involving 2 people is called a "twosome".

.

.

.

.

Now I understand why they call me "handsome".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2013, 05:56:25 PM

Adopt a Terrorist - BRILLIANT!

A female Canadian progressive liberal wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter correspondence. She received back the following reply:

National Defense Headquarters

M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg.,15 NT

101 Colonel By Drive

Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2

Canada

Dear Concerned Citizen,

Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.

Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa. You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called "Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or L.A.R.K. for short.

In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care. Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.

Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint! It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommended in your letter.

Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome these character flaws.

Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling. Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.

Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.

Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands. This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will "recommend" as more appropriate attire.

I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.

Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man. You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.

Good luck and God bless you,

Cordially,

Gordon O'Connor

Minister of National Defense

----------------------------------------------

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2013, 05:59:48 PM

Just in case you are not aware of the effect that Cypriot financial problems are having on Japan's banks, be warned -

I can confirm that:-

Origami Bank has folded.

Sumo Bank has gone belly up.

Bonsai Bank is cutting its branches.

Kamikaze Bank has ceased trading after its shares nose dived.

At the Karate Bank 500 employees have been given the chop.

Analysts also report that something fishy is happening at the Sushi Bank as customers are getting a raw deal.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2013, 06:02:22 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2013, 06:05:13 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2013, 07:12:02 PM

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (from a husbands point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,

Down Shepton Mallet way,

I had a look inside her bag;

... T'was "fifty shades of grey".

Well I just left her to it,

And at ten I went to bed.

An hour later she appeared;

The sight filled me with dread...

In her left she held a rope;

And in her right a whip!

She threw them down upon the floor,

And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;

I might have had a peek;

But Mabel hasn't weathered well;

She's eighty four next week!!

Watching Mabel bump and grind;

Could not have been much grimmer.

And things then went from bad to worse;

She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet;

A couple minutes later;

She put her teeth back in and said

I am a dominater !!

Now if you knew our Mabel,

You'd see just why I spluttered,

I'd spent two months in traction

For the last complaint I'd uttered.

She stood there nude and naked

Bent forward just a bit

I went to hold her, sensual like

And stood on her left t*t!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;

My god what had I done!?

She moaned and groaned then shouted out:

"Step on the other one"!!

Well readers, I can't tell no more;

About what occurred that day.

Suffice to say my jet black hair,

Turned fifty shades of grey.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on April 17, 2013, 08:23:06 AM

That leads me to a quote of the day I saw recently:

"Erectile dysfunction. A physical problem, or has the wife just let herself go a bit?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on April 17, 2013, 08:32:45 AM

Quote from: Starman on April 17, 2013, 08:23:06 AM

That leads me to a quote of the day I saw recently:

"Erectile dysfunction. A physical problem, or has the wife just let herself go a bit?"

buttslap party4

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 17, 2013, 08:31:54 PM

Ear Infection
This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's reception why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others
what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.
You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're going to lose!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 17, 2013, 08:55:13 PM

A major steel company feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a man leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the man, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make £300 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the man £1200 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that lay-about did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "He is the Pizza delivery man from Domino's."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 20, 2013, 10:23:51 PM

Yesterday, my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time .
Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favourite topic of conversation .
She was "only thinking of me ," and suggested I go down to the senior centre and hang out with the guys .
I did this , and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business .
I told her that I had joined a parachute club .
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 79 years old , and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes ?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card .
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses ! This is a membership to a Prostitute Club , not a Parachute Club ."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week," I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier , but sometimes it can be fun !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 22, 2013, 09:22:11 PM

Love Old Women

AN OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR SHUFFLED INTO TOWN LEADING A TIRED OLD MULE. THE OLD WOMAN HEADED STRAIGHT FOR THE ONLY SALOON TO CLEAR HER PARCHED THROAT.

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL
LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER LICKED A MULE'S BUTT?

THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO MAAM... BUT... I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

I JUST LOVE A STORY WITH A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 25, 2013, 10:18:16 AM

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant,
'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'

The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?'

The little boy admitted that she did.

Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time.

Now, let your mother explain that to you!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on April 25, 2013, 04:08:08 PM

Another perspective:-

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 25, 2013, 06:03:15 PM

Like it,

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 27, 2013, 04:18:52 PM

A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied –

“The man was admitted in Ophthalmology -- All we did was correct his eyesight.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 28, 2013, 08:37:00 PM

Proud to be White!
I have been wondering about why onlyWhites are racists,
and no other race is... ??

Proud to be White

Michael Richards makes his point...

Michael Richards better known as Kramer
from TVs' Seinfeld does make a good point.
This was his defence speech in court
after making racial comments in his comedy act.
In it he raised a few interesting points...

Someone finally said it!
But how many are actually paying attention to this?

In America, there are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans,
Arab Americans, etc.
And then there are just Americans...
You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction.

You call me 'White boy', 'Cracker', 'Honkey', 'Whitey', 'Caveman'...
And that's OK...
But when I call you Nigger, Kike,
Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink...
You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you...
So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live in?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi.
You have the NAACP.
You have BET...

Imagine if we had WET
(White Entertainment Television)...
we'd be racists.

If we had a White Pride Day,
you would call us racists.

If we had White History Month,
we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for whites only to 'advance' OUR lives,
we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce,
and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that???

A white woman could not be in the
Miss Black American pageant,
but any color can be in the Miss America pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships...
You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed
Black Colleges in the US ....
Yet if there were 'White colleges',
that would be a racist college.

In the Million Men March,
you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights,
you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange,
and you're not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride,
you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.
But,
when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud...
But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists???

There is nothing improper
about this e-mail...
But let's see which of you are proud enough to send it on.
I sadly don't think many will.

That's why
we have LOST most of OUR RIGHTS
in this country.
We won't stand up for ourselves!

BE PROUD
TO BE WHITE!

It's not a crime YET...
But getting very close!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 29, 2013, 08:25:31 PM

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire
length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well
dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular
'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was
under that dog.larke

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little
dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American
should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem
to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 04, 2013, 09:24:23 AM

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I’VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM:

'I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for one year,’ said the shrink. ‘Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘Eighty dollars per visit,’ replied the doctor.

‘I’ll sleep on it,’ I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. ‘Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?’ he asked.

‘Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new “pickup!’

‘Is that so!’ With a bit of an attitude he said, ‘and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed! Ain’t nobody under there now!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 04, 2013, 09:27:01 AM

From the US:

THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC! PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.

25% of women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 04, 2013, 03:07:47 PM

LOOK AFTER YOUR WOMAN.....

A couple of weeks ago, I was sitting on the patio, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.

Sheila from next door saw us and was so upset that she came over and yelled at me, "You lazy prick! Sitting there drinking beer while your poor wife pushes that ancient lawn mower around! Get up off your fat arse and give her a break!"

I thought 'Shit women!' Took another swig from my stubby, wiped the cold foam from my lips, lifted my sunnies, stared directly at this nosey cow and told her in no uncertain terms to sod off and mind her own business. I told her my wife had green fingers and that she really enjoyed gardening.

After a few days I felt really bad, so I went out and bought her a ride-on mower to show my sensitive side. I'm really proud of the deal I got and also very proud that my wife can now sit down while mowing the lawn. Yes guys, we should take good care of our wives... then maybe they'll take good care of us.

I've attached a picture below...hope it comes through OK

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 05, 2013, 08:16:48 PM

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Redneck?

Here is a little test that will help you decide

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a Glock cal 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor! Or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think? What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on , could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1 ?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
This is all so confusing!

I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Republican's Answer:

BANG!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Redneck's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click....
(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'

Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 06, 2013, 03:06:08 PM

Interesting puzzle

You are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.

On your right side is a sharp drop off.

And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the same speed as you.

Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.

Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

See answer below

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 06, 2013, 03:06:57 PM

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the
government take care of him--- better take a closer look at the American Indian."
Henry Ford

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 06, 2013, 03:09:15 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Antonio on May 06, 2013, 05:58:07 PM

If you kill yourself , it's called suicide .
If you kill someone , it's called homicide .
If you kill thousands , it's called genocide .
If you kill the King , it's called regicide .
If you kill your brother , it's called fratricide .
And , if you have 2 Premier League teams , and neither have won the League for over 20 years.

It's called Merseyside.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 07, 2013, 08:33:19 AM

Q: Have you heard about McDonald's new Obama Value Meal? A: Order anything you like and the guy behind you has to pay for it.

Q: What's the difference between president Obama and God? A: God doesn't think he's the president.

Q: How do you starve an Obama supporter? A: Put his food stamps in his work boots.

Q: What is another name for a voter fraud? A: An Obama voter.

Q. What does Barack Obama call illegal aliens? A. Undocumented Democrats.

Q: What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? A: They are both trying to screw everybody!

Q: What's the difference between Obama and Tiger Woods? A: Tiger only screwed half the country.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist and homophobic.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Black Marxist with a White Communist? A: Barack Obama

Q: What's the difference between Obama's GM bailout and a car battery? A: The battery has a positive side.

Q: Why did Obama run for office as a Democrat? A: The Communist Party was too conservative for him.

Q: Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A: The ink isn't dry yet.

Q: What was Willy Wonka's Obama-candy called? A. The "Everlasting Job-Stopper"

Q: Why won't they release Obamas birth certificate. A: It is in Swahili and no one can read it.

Q: How are Obama supporters like Christmas lights? A: Half of them don't work, and the ones that do work aren't very bright

Q: What do Obama and Manti Te'o have in common? A: They can f*** you from 3,000 miles away when neither has even met you.

Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q: Why is the Obama economy a system of checks and balances? A: He writes the checks, you pay the balances.

Q: What does Obama's cat say? A: Mao.

Q: What does an Obama optimist say? A: It can't get any worse!

Q: Why are there so few real Obama jokes? A: Most of them are true.

Q: What are the teams in the new Obama Football League? A: The Stealers, the Bills, the Chargers, and the Lyin's.

Q: What's the difference between Lincoln and Obama? A: Lincoln suffered from major depression. Obama caused one.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: tonypace01 on May 07, 2013, 01:04:42 PM

I thought this page was for funny jokes.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Antonio on May 07, 2013, 01:18:38 PM

Quote from: tonypace01 on May 07, 2013, 01:04:42 PM

I thought this page was for funny jokes.

Obama may not be funny,but he is a joke. thumbup

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Prakhonchai Nick on May 07, 2013, 03:19:06 PM

Quote from: Antonio on May 07, 2013, 01:18:38 PM

Quote from: tonypace01 on May 07, 2013, 01:04:42 PM
I thought this page was for funny jokes.
Obama may not be funny,but he is a joke. thumbup

Some may agree -others not.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 07, 2013, 08:53:12 PM

A communist, an illegal alien, a Muslim and a homosexual walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What’ll it be Mister President?”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 08, 2013, 10:06:17 PM

A lot of Americans and Canadians and Aussies have become so insulated from reality
> > that they imagine that
> > They can suffer defeat without any inconvenience to themselves.
> >
> > Pause a moment, reflect back. These are actual events from history. They
> > really happened!
> >
> >
> > Do You Remember . . . .
> >
> > 1. In 1968, Bobby Kennedy was shot and killed...By a Muslim male.
> > 2. In 1972 at the Munich Olympics, athletes were kidnapped and
> > massacred...By Muslim males.
> > 3. In 1972 a Pan Am 747 was hijacked and eventually diverted to an Arab
> > country where a fuse was lit on final approach and it was blown up shortly
> > after landing...By Muslim males.
> > 4. In 1973 a Pan Am 707 was destroyed in Rome, with 33 people killed, when
> > it was attacked with grenades...By Muslim males.
> > 5. In 1979, the US embassy in Iran was taken over...By Muslim males.
> > 6. During the 1980's a number of Americans were kidnapped in Lebanon...By
> > Muslim males.
> > 7. In 1983, the US Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up...By Muslim
> > males.
> > 8. In 1985, the cruise ship Achille Lauro was hijacked and a 70 year old
> > American passenger was murdered and thrown overboard in his
> > wheelchair...By Muslim males.
> > 9. In 1985, TWA flight 847 was hijacked at Athens, and a US Navy diver
> > trying to rescue passengers was murdered...By Muslim males.
> > 10. In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed...By Muslim males.
> > 11. In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed the first time...By Muslim
> > males.
> > 12. In 1998, the US embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed...By
> > Muslim males.
> > 13. On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked; two were used as missiles to
> > take down the World Trade Centers and of the remaining two, one crashed
> > into the US Pentagon,
> > and the other was diverted and crashed by the passengers. Thousands of
> > people were killed...By Muslim males.
> > 14. In 2002, the United States and Canada and others fought a war in
> > Afghanistan...Against Muslim males.
> > 15. In 2002, reporter Daniel Pearl was kidnapped and beheaded by---You
> > guessed it---Muslim males.
> >
> > No, I really don't see a pattern here to justify profiling, do you? These
> > 15 incidents are merely coincidence. So, to ensure we Americans/Canadians
> > never offend anyone, particularly fanatics intent on killing us, airport
> > security screeners will no longer be allowed to profile certain people.
> > Absolutely No Profiling!
> >
> > They must conduct random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids,
> > airline pilots with proper identification, secret agents who are members
> > of the President's security detail, 85-year old Congressmen with metal
> > hips, and Medal of Honor winner and former Governor Joe Foss,
> > but..............
> >
> > Leave Muslim Males alone lest we be guilty of profiling.
> >
> > Have the American/Canadian People completely lost their Minds, or just
> > their Power of Reason?
> >
> > Let's send this to as many people as we can so that the Gloria Alreds and
> > other stupid attorneys along with Federal Justices that want to thwart
> > common sense, feel ashamed of themselves--if they have any such sense. As
> > the writer of the award winning story 'Forrest Gump' so aptly put it,
> > 'Stupid Is As Stupid Does'. Each opportunity that you have to send it to a
> > friend or media outlet........do it!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 08, 2013, 10:07:25 PM

I'd just come out of the sandwich shop with a roast beef sandwich, large
> >>> chips, ear of corn & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and
> >>> said
> >>> 'I've not eaten for two days.'
> >>>
> >>> ' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things
> >>> commonly
> >>> found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct
> >>> answers.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about
> >>> the
> >>> wait'.
> >>>
> >>> I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it eventually'.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
> >>> When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope,
> >>> you're still black'.
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8
> >>> inches
> >>> tonight.
> >>>
> >>> I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!
> >>>
> >>>
> >>>
> >>> Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But
> >>> since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich
> >>> works
> >>> best!
> >>
> >

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 11, 2013, 02:47:41 AM

A guy goes into the Post Office to apply for a job.....

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Ok, Have you ever been in the military service?”

“Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.”

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you have enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.”

The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 am?”

“This is a government job”, the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls... No point in you coming in for that.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 11, 2013, 11:06:26 AM

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine
Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick
before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m.
But I am getting so I like to sleep late.. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do
before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to
slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically
nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is
strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind
of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other
regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city
boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when
you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on "route marches," which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A
"route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys
get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like
the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.
They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for
shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head
and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.
All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even
load your own cartridges They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to
wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break
real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the
best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.
I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get
onto this setup and come stampeding in..

Your loving daughter,

Alice

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 14, 2013, 02:22:22 PM

A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer.
After a while, the Kiwi says to the Aussie, "If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related ?"
The Aussie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes, thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 14, 2013, 02:29:30 PM

TURPENTINE - V - HOLY WATER

A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.

A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.

The little boy said, 'This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it's called Turpentine.'

The Priest said, 'No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby.'

The little boy replied, 'If you rub turpentine on a cat's arse, he'll pass a Harley Davidson !'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 16, 2013, 01:55:30 PM

The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as
“English Weather”.

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the
UK population, it will now be referred to as:

'Muslim Weather'

(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 17, 2013, 10:07:35 AM

HITCH HIKERS ON THE NULLABOR

Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift. A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked him for a lift.

He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls. The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.

They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck, so Wilko the driver shut the doors and got off on his way. By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard. Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding.

The good officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied jokingly-- 'Indigenous eggs'.

The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself. He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut and locked it. Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

'I've got a truck with 20,000 Abo eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have already managed to steal a motorbike'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 17, 2013, 10:10:49 AM

COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES !

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy ?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan !
_______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY:What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_________________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30.pm
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on May 17, 2013, 11:51:57 AM

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction.

She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .

Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...

And all the other bells started to ring :ohmy:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 18, 2013, 10:26:13 AM

A man and his wife, moved back home to Louisville, KY from Cleveland, Ohio..

The husband had a wooden leg, and to insure it back in Ohio cost them $2000
per year!

When they arrived in Kentucky, they went to an insurance agency to see how
much it would cost to insure his wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said: $39.00.

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Louisville to
insure it because it cost him $2000 in Cleveland!

The insurance agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said,
'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a
sprinkler system above it, is $39.00.. You just have to know how to describe it!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 22, 2013, 08:30:25 PM

NO SPEAKA DA ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore, "You foul- mouthed sex obsessed pig!"
She retorted indignantly.

'In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell ' Mississippi '..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 23, 2013, 09:10:55 PM

Florida
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.”

"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Georgia
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Louisiana
A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."
When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passer-by studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I got a flat tahr."
The passer-by asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Texas
The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."
"Yep," he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' "
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Y'all kin say whut y'all want 'about the South,
but y'all never heard o' nobody retirin' an' movin' North.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 23, 2013, 09:12:00 PM

Died of Natural Causes

Looks like Florida has a sheriff like Arizona has . . .

Polk County Florida Sheriff –

"You kill a policeman it means no arrest...no Miranda rights... no negotiations...nothing but as many bullets as we can shoot into you...PERIOD."

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF, GRADY JUDD

An illegal alien, in Polk County , Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.

Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times.

Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had."
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what??
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) . . .."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 23, 2013, 09:14:41 PM

How do you get along with someone in the South?

You complement their Tooth.

Understand this also works for Brits.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on May 23, 2013, 09:45:45 PM

character3 Change your bait newsleeping

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JasonB on May 23, 2013, 11:21:42 PM

Why change the bait?? NOOKIE doesn't appear to be around at the moment redman

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JasonB on May 23, 2013, 11:25:57 PM

TBWG,LOVE the the one about the two Italians Mate thumbup

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 29, 2013, 01:13:42 AM

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat

While rummaging through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie.

This genie, however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out,

"Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the

sea turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret whose wish it was had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!

Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 02, 2013, 08:13:03 PM

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
------------------------------------

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
---------------------------------------

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
------------------------------------------

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than
"I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
----------------------------------------

63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA ..
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy
"That's the last time I go lion dancing"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on June 03, 2013, 08:30:51 AM

WHAT THEY SAY AT YOUR FUNERAL

Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man."

The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids."

The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 03, 2013, 03:33:36 PM

I'll be waiting on the porch !
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed that it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be on the front porch.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 11, 2013, 05:11:46 PM

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today .' He said 'Just give it to me and I'll explain it later,'
She did, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 15, 2013, 09:05:36 PM

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall.....

Were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop...

As yet, the shop wasn't ready,
With only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner
Is going to walk by, put their face to the window,
And ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth
When, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window,
Had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said, “Must be doing well... Only two left!."
Lesson here: Don't mess with old people ! ! !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Speros on June 16, 2013, 09:29:51 AM

THE SEVEN DWARVES GO TO ROME

The seven dwarves are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the Pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say. He keeps asking the Pontiff questions about the church and, in particular, the nuns. "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?" Grumpy asks.
"No, my son, all of our nuns are at least five feet tall," smiles the Pope.
"Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
"I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
"No reason," replies Grumpy. "But you're positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, maybe two-and-a-half feet tall?"
"I'm sure, my vertically-challenged son," says the Pope, trying not show his curiosity.
"Okay," moans Grumpy.
So the Pope listens to the dwarves as they leave the building. "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarves.
Grumpy mutters, "He said they don't have any."
And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 21, 2013, 07:24:33 PM

Two Gay Guys are visiting the Zoo.

They come across a gorilla and notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage to touch it.
The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for two hours non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand by.

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage.

An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital.

A few days later, his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'

'AM I HURT?' he shouts;

'Wouldn't you be?.............he hasn't called..... he hasn't written....'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 22, 2013, 09:54:16 AM

Jacob, age 81 and Rebecca, age 80, living in Miami, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

“Are you the owner?”

The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”

Pharmacist: “Of course, we do.”

Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?”

Pharmacist: “All kinds.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”

Pharmacist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “How about suppositories?”

Pharmacist: “You bet!”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”

Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The Works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”

Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”

Pharmacist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”

Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “Adult diapers?”

Pharmacist: “Sure.”

Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 22, 2013, 10:04:18 AM

Catholic Heart Attack

You don’t have to be Catholic to appreciate this one!!!

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.

She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.

He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”

The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”

He replied, “No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.

He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 24, 2013, 01:08:24 AM

PRICELESS! -- WHAT A MAN!!
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't
taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from
the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees
is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.
and, next to them, a single red rose!!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly
clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes
when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the
bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove; I left early to get groceries to make
your favorite dinner tonight." I love you, darling!" Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,
steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His 16 year old
son is also at the table, eating.
Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway,
and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed....

"Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time. .PRICELESS

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 27, 2013, 07:33:42 PM

HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD,
>
> AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
>
>
>
> George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going
> up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
> garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George
> opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were
> people in the shed stealing things.
>
>
>
> He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
>
> He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and
> stealing from me.
>
> Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock
> your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"
>
>
>
> George said, "Okay."
>
> He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
>
>
>
> "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
> stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
> because I just shot and killed them both; the dogs are eating them right
> now," and he hung up.
>
> Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
> Trucks, a Paramedic and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
> residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
>
>
>
> One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
> them!"
>
> George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
>
> (True Story)
>
> I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 27, 2013, 07:36:44 PM

Michael Douglas sparked a firestorm Sunday claiming that he caught throat cancer by giving oral sex to his wife. It begs two obvious questions. Is this a sound medical diagnosis or is Michael Douglas just the latest Democrat to blame everything on Bush?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on June 28, 2013, 06:14:06 PM

Truthful "classified ad" competition, from actual ads placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 29, 2013, 02:16:40 AM

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink every day?
Man: Yes.

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.
Lady Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?
Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.
Lady Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 15 years.
Lady Interviewer: So with a six-pack costing $10.00, and you consuming 3 six-packs a day, you are spending roughly $900 each month. In one year, you would then be spending $10,800, correct?

Man: Correct.
Lady Interviewer: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 on beer, not accounting for inflation, 15 years puts your spending roughly $162,000; correct?

Man: Correct.

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink for the last 15 years, you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No.
Man: So what color is your fuckin' Ferrari? --

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on July 02, 2013, 05:32:12 PM

A blonde city girl, marries a sheep farmer.

One morning, on his way out to check on the sheep, the farmer says to his wife, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our ewes today. I drove a nail into the rail above the ewe's stall in the barn. You show him where the ewe is when he gets here, OK?'

So then he went off to do some fencing.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

The farmer's wife takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of sheep and when she sees the nail, she tells him 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the ewe to be inseminated?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', she explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 03, 2013, 10:00:10 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Somebody has stolen our tent!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: binnsy on July 03, 2013, 11:34:23 AM

Here's a thought . . . . If you are ready for the adventure of a lifetime, try this :

A. Go to Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or Iran illegally. Never mind immigration quotas, visas, international law, or any of that nonsense. Demand a free house, benefits and food.

B. Once there, demand that the local government provide free medical care for you and your entire family.

C. Demand that all nurses and doctors be fluent in English, and that all food be cooked according to your specifications in the hospital.

D. Demand free local government forms, bulletins, etc. Be printed in English.

E. Procreate abundantly.

F. Deflect any criticism of this allegedly irresponsible reproductive Behaviour with, 'It is a cultural thing; you wouldn't understand.'

G. Keep your original identity strong. Fly your home country's national flag from your rooftop, or proudly display it in your front window, or on your car bumper.

H. Speak only English at home and in public, and make sure that your children do likewise.

I. Demand classes on English culture in the Muslim school system.

J. Demand a local country driving license or national insurance number equivalent

K. This will afford other legal rights and will go far to legitimise your unauthorised, illegal, presence in Pakistan , Afghanistan or Iraq

L. Drive around with no car tax or insurance and ignore local traffic laws.

M. Insist that the Police teach English to all its officers.

N. Organise protest marches against your host country, inciting violence against non-white, non-Christians, and the government that let you in.

Good luck! You'll soon be dead..

It would never happen in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq or Iran (or any other country in the world for that matter) except in the:
UK, US, Canada or Australia,
Because we are run by soft, politically correct politicians that are too scared to 'offend' anyone.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 03, 2013, 02:59:15 PM

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a
leash and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to
when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and
says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a
sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous
bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 03, 2013, 07:56:55 PM

And the winner of the Homer Simpson look alike competition is ~~~~~~~

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 04, 2013, 02:44:54 PM

An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel
and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more
annoyed and finally said:
"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel.
You already know how to fish!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 05, 2013, 02:29:39 PM

The first speaker, a lady from England , stood and said “During last year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington , that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.”

“After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

(The crowd cheered).

The second lady from Russia, stood up and said, “After last year's conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself.”

“The first day, I saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day, I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well.”

(The crowd again cheered).

The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady from Australia, stood up and said, “Afta lass year's conference, I wen "ome and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo Jack, dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin' his tucker and washin' his undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself.”

(The crowd went wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes).

She continued “Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day, I nevah see nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: binnsy on July 05, 2013, 02:39:33 PM

The Patient
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only
here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my
testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate
from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment
and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says
very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen
very, very closely:

Are - my - test - results - back?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 08, 2013, 09:16:07 PM

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.
The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, “So why are you here?”
The Black Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.
But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."
The Yellow Lab said, "So what's the vet going to do?”
"Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down.
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked "Why are you here?"
The Yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, and I dig just for the hell of it.
When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."
"So what are they going to do to you?” the Black Lab inquired.
"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?”
"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.
"I'll hump anything.
I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever.
I want to hump everything I see."
Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away."
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, its nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 08, 2013, 09:32:34 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 10, 2013, 09:30:06 PM

A 50-something year old Muslim man arrived at his seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat.
The seat was next to an elderly white woman reading her Bible.

Disgusted, the Muslim man immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat.
The man said "I cannot sit here next to this infidel."
The flight attendant said "Let me see if I can find another seat."

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated
"There are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class."

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated
"The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy,
but there is one in first class.
It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class,
but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person,
the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the irate Muslim man could say anything, the attendant gestured to the elderly woman and said,
"Therefore, madam, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items,
we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applaud while some gave a standing ovation.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 11, 2013, 09:09:35 PM

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried.... over time: weight lifters, longshoremen, etc., but nobody could do it. One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the Crowd's laughter turned to total silence.... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon.... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the IRS."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 12, 2013, 03:07:07 PM

Is GOD Good or What?

A woman received a call that her daughter was sick.

She stopped by the pharmacy to get medication, got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left on the ground. She looked at it and said "I don't know how to use this." She bowed her head and asked God to send her HELP.

Within minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up. A bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said: "Yes, my daughter is sick. I've locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this coat hanger to unlock my car?"

He said "Sure."
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said

"Thank You SO Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied
"Lady, I am NOT a nice man. I just got out of PRISON yesterday,

I was in prison for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,

"Oh, thank you God! You even sent me a Professional!"

Is GOD Good or What!?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on July 13, 2013, 08:41:02 PM

If you're a betting man, the current odds on being next to pick up the ashes are :-

saintgeorgeflag England 6/4 saintgeorgeflag

australiaflag Australia 3/1 australiaflag

southafrica Winnie Mandela 1/3 southafrica

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 16, 2013, 09:50:44 PM

Two dwarves go into a bar, where they pick up two ' working girls ' and take them to their separate hotel rooms for an hour of pleasure..

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.

His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE .... UGH! " " Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE.... UGH!" "Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!" This goes on for the whole hour.

Later back at the bar, the second dwarf asks the first, " How did it go? "

The first mutters, " It was embarrassing. I just couldn't get an erection."

The second dwarf shook his head. " You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 17, 2013, 04:17:43 PM

I was offered some advice several years age; "Never kick a horse turd, they might be your next boss."

Cute story with some interesting morals:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It got so cold it froze up and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As it lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the little bird singing, and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out-and then ate him.

The morals of the story are:

1. Not everyone who drops $hit on you is your enemy.

2. Not everyone who gets you out of $hit is your friend.

3. When you're Happy and in deep $hit, keep your mouth shut!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 17, 2013, 04:57:44 PM

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice."

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're in the team for this Saturday."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 17, 2013, 05:36:53 PM

Boss spelled backwards is Double S O B

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on July 18, 2013, 04:22:22 PM

The Royal Wedding Night

Camilla, the Duchess of Cornwall bought new shoes for her wedding.

During the big day they became increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling, please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me..!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

"Harder!" yelled Camilla, "Harder".

Charles yelled back: "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried.

Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I told you with a face like that, she had to be a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, darling! This one's even tighter!"

At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy! He served in the Navy: once a Rear Admiral, always a Rear Admiral!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 23, 2013, 09:20:53 AM

Every 5 seconds the royal baby screams and cries as it needs nourishment.
For just £12 million per month you can make sure it doesn't go hungry by funding someone without a flat chest to breast feed this baby.
Upon donation, you will receive a free mug with the words "I am a tax payer" on it, informing others what we all are for funding this child.

'Wadya mean the baby's ginger?!!!'
'HAAAARRRRRRRYYYYYY!!!!'

Everyone has at least one uncle nob head.
The Royal baby will be spoilt for choice.

As prince Phillip walked into the delivery room all the staff stood to attention. "OK, then where is it?" He asked, "Where's my mail?"

Prince William's heir is falling out.

After the Queen's recent gastroenteritis, at least the royal staff should be well experienced to deal with shitty nappies.

In an effort to over shadow her sister's big occasion yet again, Pippa Middleton will present the baby to the world whilst wearing crotchless knickers

So if the Royal baby is a girl and they are going to name her Diana, as she came into the world just like her grandmother went out.
Speeding through a tunnel, shooting forward, covered in blood with the paparazzi outside the windows.

I don't envy those two having a new baby. The sleepless nights, dirty nappies and the 24/7 crying. Rather them than me, so good luck...
Royal nannies.

If the royal baby is a boy I hope he is named after his Grandfather:
Prince Dodi of Knightsbridge

I think that as a mark of respect they should name the Royal baby after one of its great ancestors.
Athena if its a girl or Himmler if its a boy.

I am excitedly waiting for the important delivery..
Sat on the edge of the seat, twitching and shuffling.
My stomach has knots in it.
Come on Tesco, I really need that toilet roll now!

Monday's child is fair of face.
And full of grace too.
Also - several hundred million's of pounds in cash, six castles, a private airliner, several yachts, limousines, helicopters, a shitload of racehorses and pretty much anything else they fucking want.

I like everyone else woke up this morning thinking. Is It a girl? Is it a boy?
Nothing to do with the Royal baby though, more to do with a bar girl i picked up in Thialand.

The Royal baby has been born weighing a massive 15lb.
The midwife said, "It was messy, a lot of blood and screaming ... but on the plus side, it probably made William feel closer to his mother"

The Royal Baby's Summer birthday will mean it will be behind the rest of the class when it starts school and it will probably end up working in McDonalds.

just heard that Kate Middleton is in the first stages of Labour.
David Cameron must be pissed off then

The estimated cost of raising the impending Royal baby up to the age of 5 will cost the taxpayer around 3.6 million pounds.
Making the birth pay per view would have easily covered that

Security dramas at Kensington Palace as small person is forced out of the Royal Box.

The Duchess of Cambridge has been spotted going into St Mary's Hospital via the back entrance.
If William had had the same idea nine months ago there'd be no need for a maternity ward.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on July 25, 2013, 05:01:54 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,

he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2013, 08:39:09 PM

An Arab needed a heart transplant, but prior to the surgery the doctors needed to store his blood type in case the need arises.

Because the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally. So the call went out to a number of countries. Finally, a Jew was located who had the same blood type and who was willing to donate his blood to the Arab.

After the surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a thank-you card for giving his blood along with an expensive diamond and a new Rolls Royce car as a token of his appreciation.

Unfortunately, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery once again. His doctors called the Jew who was more than happy to donate his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Jew a ， You card and a box of Almond Roca sweets.

The Jew was shocked to see that the Arab this time did not acknowledge the Jew's kind gesture in the same way as he had done the first time. So he phoned the Arab and asked him why he had expressed his appreciation in not a very generous manner.

The Arab replied: "Ya Habibi !!, (Dear Friend) you have to remember, there is Jewish blood in me now!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2013, 08:48:25 PM

There was a bit of confusion at the Bass Pro Sporting Goods store
this > > week. When I was ready to pay for my purchases for gun powder
and > bullets the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." > > > Making a
mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control > whackos
running amok, I did just as she had instructed. After the > hysterical
shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out that she > was
referring to how to enter my credit card in the reader!!!! > > I have
been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make > their
instructions to us seniors a little clearer!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2013, 08:49:37 PM

A Canadian psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, (from Toronto) Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, (from Montreal) Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce (from BC): "Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, (from Newfoundland) Carol, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, "Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 26, 2013, 09:19:58 PM

“THE BROTHEL”

The madam opened the brothel door in Salt Lake City and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?,” she asked.

The man replied, “I want to see Valerie.”

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,”
said the madam.

He replied, “No, I must see Valerie.”

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

“There are no discounts. The price is still $5000.”

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie
and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie said to the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.”
“Where are you from?”

The man replied,” Idaho .”

“Really,” she said. “I have family in Idaho.”

“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I am her attorney.”
“She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that three (3) things in life are certain:

1. Death

2. Taxes

3. Being screwed by a lawyer!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 26, 2013, 11:53:10 PM

Scotch with 2 Drops of Water?

* A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says:

‘I’m on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it’s today.’

The bartender says:

‘Well, since it’s your birthday, I’ll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.’

As the woman finishes her drink the woman to her right says:
‘I would like to buy you a drink too.’

The old woman says:

Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming up’ says the bartender as she finishes that drink, the man to her left says
‘I would like to buy you one, too.’

The old woman says:
‘Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.’

‘Coming right up’ the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says ‘Ma’am, I’m dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies
‘Sonny, when you’re my age you’ve learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 26, 2013, 11:55:24 PM

English Lesson
Did you know listen and silent use the same letters?

Do you know that the words race car spelled backwards
still spells race car?

And that eat is the only word that if you take the first letter
and move it to the last, it spells its past tense ate?

And have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in
illegal immigrants, and add just a few more letters, it spells:
Go home you free-loading, benefit-grabbing, resource-sucking,
baby-making, non-English-speaking jackasses and take those other
hairy-faced, sandal-wearing, bomb-making, camel-riding, goat-loving,
raggedy-a$$ b**tards with you.

How weird is that?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 27, 2013, 12:12:06 AM

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
Your sweetie says ‘Let’s go upstairs and make love’
And you answer: ‘Pick one, I can’t do both!’

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes, And you’re barefoot!

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door!

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN....
You don’t care where your spouse goes ... just as long as you don’t have to go along.

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
‘Getting lucky’ means you find your car... in the parking lot.

* ‘OLD’ IS WHEN...
An ‘all nighter’ means not getting up to use the bathroom.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 27, 2013, 09:28:37 AM

During a lady’s medical examination, the doctor says,

“Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.”

The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted by the doctor.

“No! No! Don’t remove your clothes... Just stick out your tongue!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 28, 2013, 03:44:30 PM

Short, Sweet & True!!!
I dialed a number and got the following recording:
"I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the
Beep. If I do not return your call,
You are one of the changes."

~~~~~
( I LOVE THIS ONE! )
My wife and I had words,
But I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time
You're old enough to know your way around,
you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders,
But it keeps getting harder to find one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman asks a man who is traveling with six children, "Are all these kids yours?"
The man replies, "No, I work in a condom factory and these are customer complaints".

*********************************************************

Nominated as the best short joke this year...

A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles
while taking a bath.
"Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 28, 2013, 03:45:34 PM

A Scotsman appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything in your life of particular merit?" Saint Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing", the Scotsman replied. "On a trip to the outskirts of Glasgow, I came upon a gang of bikers
who were threatening a young woman. I asked them to leave her alone but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest
and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the s - - t out of all of you!' "

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 30, 2013, 09:54:25 AM

British humour

It has been announced that the police are going to be
allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting
some Persil in to stop the coloureds running.

Two Muslims crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London .....
Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.

Riots in Wythenshawe last month caused over a
million pounds worth of improvements.

Muslims have gone on the rampage in Liverpool, killing
anyone who's English. Police fear the death toll could be as
high as 3.

Sat opposite an Indian lady on the train today, she shut her
eyes and stopped breathing. I thought she was dead, until I
saw the red spot on her forehead and realised she was just
on standby.

They've had to cancel the panto 'Jack & the Beanstalk' in
Birmingham , Bristol , Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester ,
Luton and London . Apparently the giant couldn't smell any
Englishmen.

Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the
doctor away." But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've
found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 30, 2013, 10:17:43 PM

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management Subject: Revised layoff policy

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under the plan, planners will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who are willing to code 80 hours a week for the company.

Therefore, a program to phase out all planners by the end of the current fiscal year, via layoff, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as RAPE (Retire All Planners Early).

Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for other jobs outside the company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual layoff takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If employees follows the above procedure, they will be entitled to HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to the assure remaining employees that the company will continue its policy of ensuring that employees are well trained through Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If an employee feels that not enough SHIT is received on the job, an appointment should be made with the appropriate first line manager. First line managers are empowered to ensure that employees receive all the SHIT they can stand.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 30, 2013, 10:18:27 PM

M E M O

To: All Employees From: Management

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future.

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. Provided they are SLAPped, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPped or SCREWed may file an appeal with the upper management. This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPoed once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, they will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless they already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). As HERPES or CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPped or SCREWed by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to train employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the SHIT you can stand.

(Please see our previously issued memo on SHIT for more information.)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 31, 2013, 09:47:03 AM

A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for
lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in
Leigh on Sea because the waitresses had big boobs & wore miniskirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because the food and service was good and
the beer was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they
should meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because they could dine in peace and quiet and
it was good value for money.

Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. It was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because the restaurant was wheelchair
accessible and had a lift for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at
Wetherspoons in Leigh on Sea because they had never been there before.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: tommynew on July 31, 2013, 03:42:15 PM

Good un. I can vouch for that

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on August 01, 2013, 05:57:06 PM

Shamelessly stolen, but too good to miss....

The Captain Never Makes Mistakes

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week’s shore leave.
The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from
the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball.
I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance.”

“They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of
polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as
they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies. One last
point: “No Jews, please.”

Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied:
“Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest
possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of
my best and most prized officers.”

“One is a Lieutenant Commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an
additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship
design.”

“The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a
graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago, with a BS in
Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD, in Aeronautical
and Mechanical Engineering, are from Texas Tech University and he is
also an astronaut candidate.”

“The third officer is also a Lieutenant, with degrees in both computer
systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting
notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech.”

“Finally, the fourth officer, also a Lieutenant Commander, is our
ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of
Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North
Carolina. We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in
Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .”

Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and
looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be
escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other
women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).

At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda’s mother heard a polite rap
at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four very
handsome, smiling Black officers.

Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered,
“There must be some mistake.”

“No, Madam,” said the first officer. “Captain Goldberg never makes mistakes.” :D :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 02, 2013, 01:22:29 PM

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2013, 12:36:57 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do....Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead !”

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger turned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,

“Nothing, but you left your injun runnin”.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2013, 12:47:18 PM

You know you’re a redneck if ...

... The primary color of your car is bondo.
... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d’oeuvre.
... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
... Less than half the cars you own run.
... Directions to you house include “turn off the paved road”.
... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tounge gestures.
... Your family tree does not fork.
... Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
... You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba” during a piano recital.
... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school sports event.
... You’ve ever BBQ’d Spam on the grill.
... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
... You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
... You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
... You think Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
... You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
... You have a rag for a gas cap.
... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if...

- Your wife wears a dress that’s strapless with a bra that isn’t.
- You have a home that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
- Your huntin’ dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
- You walk your son to school because you’re both in the same class.
- You’ve been accused of lyin’ through your tooth. (could also be a Brit)
- You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
- Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
- You move the refrigerator and discover that the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
- You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
- You’ve ever used the O on a stop sign to sight your rifle.
- Your car burns more oil than gas.
- You mow your front lawn and find a car.
- You consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the “Free Dirt” sign in front of your house.
- Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
- You’ve ever made love in a satellite dish.
- You think the mountain men in “Deliverance” were just misunderstood.
- Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
- The Salvation Army refuses your old mattress.
- You haul more back from the dump than you hauled in.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2013, 06:51:28 PM

International child aid is starting to arrive after an earthquake left 50,000 children under 10 orphaned & alone to fend for themselves.
USA are sending medicine & doctors.
UK are sending food & shelter,
while Ireland are sending 1000 priests on a holiday of a lifetime!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 03, 2013, 07:00:33 PM

Irish Fight

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 08, 2013, 09:20:13 PM

The Barber

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....

'Your house'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 09, 2013, 09:08:36 AM

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say, can and will be held against you..."

The drunk says,

"Tits."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 10, 2013, 09:48:19 PM

Please make sure you read down to Saving The Best For Last - a must read.

Actual call centre conversations
.
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our Opening Hours".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
.
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think they mean the telephone point on the wall"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland "
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: How can you see my screen from there?"
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------

SAVING THE BEST TO LAST.............................

There's always one.

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!)
.
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 21, 2013, 03:41:21 PM

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur 'You get
out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; you go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on August 23, 2013, 07:23:27 PM

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers:

The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an

Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State

Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your

wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other.

One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really

great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we

found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

"Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12

twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging

to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's

the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on August 23, 2013, 09:51:28 PM

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.

We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.

But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.

"We're not welcome at B & Q anymore, either.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on August 24, 2013, 07:23:47 AM

Late Night Phone Call to the Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on August 25, 2013, 04:06:51 PM

Why God sends rain to South America and not the middle East :P

[attachment deleted by admin]

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 30, 2013, 01:13:56 AM

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.

'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.

'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!вЂ¦
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.

The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 10, 2013, 08:52:04 PM

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew the gun over and it discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?"asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 14, 2013, 05:43:32 PM

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) - By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominator !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 14, 2013, 05:46:55 PM

Daisy Duke

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 14, 2013, 06:56:55 PM

Scottish Wedding

At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 14, 2013, 06:59:19 PM

A bloke brings his best mate home after work to meet his wife.

His wife screams “You fucking dickhead,my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a right fucking tip,the dishes aren’t done, I'm still in my pyjamas, i cant be bothered to cook and it’s my time of the month!”. “Why the x did you bring him home?”.

The husband replies”Because he was thinking of getting married”.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 14, 2013, 10:33:11 PM

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90?' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. 'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'

Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing . . . ? You've been studying our marriage certificate for quite some time.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'

-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 21, 2013, 01:53:52 PM

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.

Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence.....

The rest of the year went very smoothly.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 21, 2013, 01:54:21 PM

60th High School Reunion

He was a widower and she a widow.

They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.

This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.

They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.

The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!"

The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled.
Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?”

He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.

He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.

First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening.

As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?"”

"Why you silly man, I said ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart."

The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.

Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 25, 2013, 02:00:42 AM

Two Irish nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, get your tits out, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata,
"I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts,
"Screw off you little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks "Was that cross enough"?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 25, 2013, 08:18:42 PM

Graduation day!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 04, 2013, 10:58:08 PM

Testicle Therapy

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed
directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his
groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow
me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd
allow me," she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was
in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at
his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his
hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments
And asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 05, 2013, 10:27:09 AM

Changing your computer password:

User: Why then do I need a new one as that one seems to be working pretty good?

Computer: They automatically expire every 30 days.

User: Can I use the old one and just re-register it?

Computer: You must get a new one.

User: I don't want a new one as that is one more thing for me to remember.

Computer: You must get a new one.

User: OK, roses

Computer: You must use more letters.

User: OK, pretty roses

Computer: You must use at least one numeric character.

User: OK, 1 pretty rose

Computer: You cannot use blank spaces.

User: OK, 1prettyrose

Computer: You must use additional characters.

User: OK, 1fuckingprettyrose

Computer: You must use at least one capital letter.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyrose

Computer: You cannot use more than one capital letter in a row.

User: OK, 1Fuckingprettyrose

Computer: You need additional characters.

User: OK, 1FUCKINGprettyroseshovedupyourassifyoudon'tgivemeaccessrightfuckingnow

Computer: You cannot use that password as it is already being used

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 08, 2013, 12:21:41 AM

Russ and Fred, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Fred didn't think much about
it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. B ut after
Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Fred really got
worried. However, since the only time they ever got together
was at the park, Fred didn't know where Russ lived, so he
was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Fred figured he had seen the last
of Russ, but one day, Fred approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Fred was very excited and happy to
see him and told him so.

Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'

' J ail!' cried Fred. W hat in the world for?'

' W ell,' Russ said, 'you know S ue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'

'Yeah,' said Fred, 'I remember her..... W hat about her?

' W ell, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she
filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so
proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

' T he judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 08, 2013, 12:23:19 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 21, 2013, 09:11:12 PM

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
> >
> > A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-British slogans, with a half-burned Union Jack duct taped on the boot of their car and a "Remember 7-7" slogan spray painted on the side, stopped next to me.
> >
> > Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed.
> >
> > Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler lorry came speeding through the junction and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
> >
> > For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Wow...that could have been me!"
> >
> > So today, bright and early, I went out and started training for my HGV licence.
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 25, 2013, 09:09:22 PM

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her back in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.

Nothing.

Just had my water bill for £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"

And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!!

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.

Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka!

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'

Granny replies, blow the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple is attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent x; what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 27, 2013, 02:07:25 PM

EATING 50/60 YEARS AGO – BET YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN MOST OF THEM

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.

For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.

Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

EATING 50/60 YEARS AGO – BET YOU HAVE FORGOTTEN MOST OF THEM

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.

For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.

Have things really changed this much in our time?

---------------------------------------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES

Pasta had not been invented.

Curry was a surname.

A takeaway was a mathematical problem.

A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.

Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.

All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.

A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.

Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.

A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.

Brown bread was something only poor people ate.

Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking

Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.

Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.

Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.

Only Heinz made beans.

Fish didn't have fingers in those days.

Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.

None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.

Healthy food consisted of anything edible.

People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.

Indian restaurants were only found in India.

Cooking outside was called camping.

Seaweed was not a recognised food.

"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.

Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold.

Prunes were medicinal.

Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.

Pineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture of a real one.

Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing stock.

The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties .. was elbows!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: tommynew on October 27, 2013, 07:58:36 PM

And the forties (especially wartime)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 04, 2013, 07:55:22 PM

Someone please tell me what the Hell is wrong with
all the people that run UK!!!
LABOUR, CONSERVATIVES
&
LIBERALS, say
We're "broke"
and can't help
our own
Seniors,
Veterans,
Orphans,
Homeless,
etc.,???

In the last years we have provided direct cash aid to
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Hamas - 351 M,
Pakistan- 2 B,
Libya1.45 B,
Egypt- 397 M,
Mexico- 622 M,
Russia- 380 M,
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Jordan- 463 M,
Kenya- 816 M,
Sudan- 870 M,
Nigeria- 456 M,
Uganda- 451 M,
Congo- 359 M,
Ethiopia- 981 M,
South Africa- 566 M,
Senegal- 698 M,
Mozambique- 404 M,
Zambia- 331 M,
Kazakhstan- 304 M,
Iraq- 1.08 B,
Tanzania- 554 M,
with literally Billions
and they still
hate us!!!

Our retired seniors
living on a 'fixed income'
do they get any breaks while our government
and religious organisations pour Hundreds of Billions
and Tons of Food
to Foreign Countries!

What about India we give them the best part £500m a year, half the population don't have access to a toilet BUT they are about to launch a mission to Mars. (the planet not the chocolate bar HQ.) WTF is that all about? We really are stupid we get the politicians we deserve.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Kingussie on November 05, 2013, 12:40:47 AM

Quote from: TBWG on November 04, 2013, 07:55:22 PM

Someone please tell me what the Hell is wrong with
all the people that run UK!!!
LABOUR, CONSERVATIVES
&
LIBERALS, say
We're "broke"
and can't help
our own
Seniors,
Veterans,
Orphans,
Homeless,
etc.,???

In the last years we have provided direct cash aid to
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Hamas - 351 M,
Pakistan- 2 B,
Libya1.45 B,
Egypt- 397 M,
Mexico- 622 M,
Russia- 380 M,
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Jordan- 463 M,
Kenya- 816 M,
Sudan- 870 M,
Nigeria- 456 M,
Uganda- 451 M,
Congo- 359 M,
Ethiopia- 981 M,
South Africa- 566 M,
Senegal- 698 M,
Mozambique- 404 M,
Zambia- 331 M,
Kazakhstan- 304 M,
Iraq- 1.08 B,
Tanzania- 554 M,
with literally Billions
and they still
hate us!!!

Our retired seniors
living on a 'fixed income'
do they get any breaks while our government
and religious organisations pour Hundreds of Billions
and Tons of Food
to Foreign Countries!

What about India we give them the best part £500m a year, half the population don't have access to a toilet BUT they are about to launch a mission to Mars. (the planet not the chocolate bar HQ.) WTF is that all about? We really are stupid we get the politicians we deserve.

'We really are stupid'
Couldn't have said it any better myself.555

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Kingussie on November 05, 2013, 12:43:34 AM

Quote from: TBWG on November 04, 2013, 07:55:22 PM

Someone please tell me what the Hell is wrong with
all the people that run UK!!!
LABOUR, CONSERVATIVES
&
LIBERALS, say
We're "broke"
and can't help
our own
Seniors,
Veterans,
Orphans,
Homeless,
etc.,???

In the last years we have provided direct cash aid to
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Hamas - 351 M,
Pakistan- 2 B,
Libya1.45 B,
Egypt- 397 M,
Mexico- 622 M,
Russia- 380 M,
Haiti- 1.4 B,
Jordan- 463 M,
Kenya- 816 M,
Sudan- 870 M,
Nigeria- 456 M,
Uganda- 451 M,
Congo- 359 M,
Ethiopia- 981 M,
South Africa- 566 M,
Senegal- 698 M,
Mozambique- 404 M,
Zambia- 331 M,
Kazakhstan- 304 M,
Iraq- 1.08 B,
Tanzania- 554 M,
with literally Billions
and they still
hate us!!!

Our retired seniors
living on a 'fixed income'
do they get any breaks while our government
and religious organisations pour Hundreds of Billions
and Tons of Food
to Foreign Countries!

What about India we give them the best part £500m a year, half the population don't have access to a toilet BUT they are about to launch a mission to Mars. (the planet not the chocolate bar HQ.) WTF is that all about? We really are stupid we get the politicians we deserve.

'We really are stupid'
Couldn't have said it any better myself.555
There seems to be some serious problems with the posting on this forum.
Posted one comment and two appear.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 05, 2013, 02:19:23 PM

Taxpayers' £10,000 bill to teach failed asylum seeker to fly:

Ethiopian given lessons despite Government saying he must leave country next year
Yonas Admasu Kebedemm will also get up to £10,000 in living expenses
Court rules council must meet his education costs after leaving school
Critics call decision 'blank cheque' which is 'deeply unfair' on taxpayers
Council also funding his younger brother to start a degree in Manchester

By ELEANOR HARDING
PUBLISHED: 22:30 GMT, 4 November 2013 | UPDATED: 23:28 GMT, 4 November 2013

High ambitions: Yonas Admasu Kebede, 21, from Ethiopia, will train at taxpayers' expense
Taxpayers face a bill of tens of thousands of pounds so a failed asylum seeker can train to be a pilot.
Yonas Admasu Kebede will be given flying lessons costing £10,000 even though the Government says he must leave the UK next year.
The 21-year-old from Ethiopia will also get up to £10,000 in living expenses.
A council is being forced to pay up after a court ruled it must meet Mr Kebede’s education costs after leaving school.
Critics called the decision a ‘blank cheque’ which is ‘deeply unfair’ on taxpayers and questioned whether learning to fly should be paid from the public purse.
The council is also funding Mr Kebede’s younger brother, Abiy, 20, to start a degree at Manchester Metropolitan University.
The Kebedes came to the UK with their older brother and father in 2004. Their asylum application was refused but they were granted discretionary leave to stay in the UK until November 2014.
Shortly after their arrival, they were abandoned by the older family members. They were placed in council care in Newcastle and attended a local comprehensive, where they attained GCSEs and A-levels.
Aerial view: Mr Kebede is taking the lessons at Flight Training London at Elstree Aerodrome (pictured) in Hertfordshire, and hopes to then apply for a degree in aviation
Aerial view: Mr Kebede is taking the lessons at Flight Training London at Elstree Aerodrome (pictured) in Hertfordshire, and hopes to then apply for a degree in aviation
By law, local authorities have a duty to help meet training costs of those with no parents so that they can enter the workplace.
Usually, these costs are living expenses for apprenticeships and college courses – not the enormous sums associated with a degree or professional qualification.
But the brothers’ lawyers argued that the council should pick up the bill as their immigration status barred them from applying for a student loan.
Labour-controlled Newcastle city council fought the claim in the Administrative Court and the Court of Appeal, but lost, in a ruling likely to set a precedent for other claims.

It now faces providing loans of up to £20,000 per year to each brother, with the amount to be repaid once they start work.
The brothers plan to apply for indefinite leave to remain in the UK but there is no guarantee it will be granted. They may be able to transfer to a normal student loan arrangement if their application is successful – which could see them repaying some of the cost of their education.
Mr Kebede is taking the lessons at Flight Training London at Elstree Aerodrome, Hertfordshire, and hopes to then apply for a degree in aviation.
The training for a private pilot’s licence involves a minimum of 45 flying hours and seven theoretical exams as well as a flight test.
The flying school charges £165 per hour-long training session, while a flight test costs £185.
Training: The training for a private pilot's licence involves a minimum of 45 flying hours and seven theoretical exams as well as a flight test. It is thought he will learn to fly in a Piper aircraft like the one above
Training: The training for a private pilot's licence involves a minimum of 45 flying hours and seven theoretical exams as well as a flight test. It is thought he will learn to fly in a Piper aircraft like the one above

Yesterday Greg Stone, a Liberal Democrat councillor, said: ‘I can see why the council should support them going to a local college and so on but this seems over and above what people would expect. The public would be surprised that the council is obliged to pay for flying lessons.
‘We haven’t budgeted for this. Is this a blank cheque to give them whatever they ask for?’
If Yonas Kebede seeks to pursue a degree after his flying lessons, the council fears it will have to foot the bill for that too – up to £30,000 in fees and a similar amount in living costs.
Robert Oxley, of the TaxPayers’ Alliance, said: ‘This judgment is absolutely farcical and deeply unfair on the taxpayers footing the bill.
'We haven’t budgeted for this. Is this a blank cheque to give them whatever they ask for?'
Greg Stone, Liberal Democrat councillor
‘Lots of parents scrimp and save to provide their children opportunities for further education, yet now they’re also paying for this young man’s flying lessons. The brothers were granted leave to remain, not a free ride.’
Tory North East MEP Martin Callanan added: ‘I find this totally bizarre. The council are in a difficult position if the Court of Appeal has ordered it but most taxpayers will be appalled that they are funding flying lessons for a refugee, however well intentioned he is. It is absolutely incredible.’
The brothers both applied for courses beginning last autumn, but when they discovered the funding was not available they deferred their places. They then instructed lawyers to pursue a claim with Newcastle Council to provide the funding.
Paul Heron, of Public Interest Lawyers, said: ‘We are thrilled that the Court of Appeal found in favour of our clients. They will now be able to go on to higher education, where they plan to complete their studies, secure a career here in the UK and repay their student loans in full to Newcastle city council.’
The case came about after the Government changed the rules in 2011 as to who could apply for a student loan. The new rules stated those with discretionary leave to remain were no longer eligible for a loan.

Speechless

TBWG buriram_united sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 11, 2013, 08:53:13 PM

A man is alone in an airport lounge, when a beautiful woman walks in and
sits down at the table next to him. He decides because she's wearing a
uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline
she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :

'To Fly. To Serve'.

The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.
He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:

'Winning the hearts of the world'.

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines
motto:

'Going beyond expectations'.

The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the F**k do you want?'

'Aha!' he says

"Ryanair".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 11, 2013, 08:56:13 PM

Years ago B.R. (before recycling) a refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness
(YES it happened sometimes in those days!),
and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - a bit harder and then harder still.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door.

"Harro!"

says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?"

asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret,"

explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again..

"No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen,"

says the collector.

"You're misunderstanding me. Where's your wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK."

replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear.

"I wheelie bin upstairs having sex wiffa wife's sista!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 12, 2013, 02:56:38 PM

Nobody will notice!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 24, 2013, 09:20:16 PM

A man went to Harley Street in London , having seen an advert for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Knowing that nowadays, job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested, so he went in and asked the secretary for details.

She retrieved the file and read to him:

"This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage, and finally, you'll be required to rub in soothing oils, in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”

Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen " .

"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".

She answered, "No , that's where the end of the queue is..."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 24, 2013, 09:21:25 PM

HITCH HIKERS ON THE NULLABOR

Two Aboriginals were riding along the highway on a motorbike. They broke down and started trying to hitch a lift.

A friendly trucker (Wilko) stopped to see if he could help and they asked him for a lift.

He told them he had no room in the rig because he was carrying 20,000 lawn bowls.

The Aboriginals put it to Wilko that if they could manage to fit in the back with their bike, would he give them a lift, and he relented.

They managed to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the truck, so Wilko the driver shut the doors and got off on his way.

By this time he was really late and so pushed his foot down hard.

Sure enough the Highway Patrol pulled him over for speeding. The good officer asked Wilko what he was carrying to which he replied jokingly-- 'Indigenous eggs'.

The Highway Patrol Officer obviously didn't believe this so wanted to take a look for himself.

He opened the back door and quickly slammed it shut and locked it. Then he got onto his radio and called for immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

The dispatcher asked what emergency there was that required so many officers.

'I've got a truck with 20,000 Abo eggs in it - 2 have hatched and they have already managed to steal a motorbike'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 24, 2013, 09:22:58 PM

On Monday morning the Postman is walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and It got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.'

The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'

'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.. Then the women try to guess who it is.'

The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.'

'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times... +++++++++++++++++++++

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 25, 2013, 08:29:12 PM

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle packing factory. For many years he had a powerful urge to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to dismiss the thought he sought professional help. After six monthly sessions, his therapist gave up.
He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would never have peace of mind.

Several days later, Yossel came home from work very early.
His wife Sarah became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that he finally went ahead, did it and had just been fired from his job.

Sarah gasped and ran over to her husband.
She quickly yanked down his pants and boxer shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.
Looking up she said, "Yossel, I don't understand. What happened with the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "She got fired, too.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 29, 2013, 08:12:41 PM

Paddy took two stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2013, 10:49:02 AM

DRIVING IN RAIN....This May Save Your Life. This is well worth a read!

GOOD VISION IN A DOWNPOUR

How to achieve good vision while driving during a heavy downpour. We are not sure why it is so effective; just try this method when it rains heavily. This method was told by a Police friend who had
experienced and confirmed it. It is useful....even driving at night.

Most of the motorists would turn on HIGH or FASTEST SPEED of the wipers during heavy downpour, yet the visibility in front of the windshield is still bad....
In the event you face such a situation, just put on your SUNGLASSES (any model will do), and miracles! All of a sudden, your visibility in front of your windshield is perfectly clear, as if there is no rain.

Make sure you always have a pair of SUNGLASSES in your car. You are not only helping yourself to drive safely with good vision, but also might save your friend's life by giving him this idea....Try it yourself and share it with your friends!!!!
Amazingly, you still see the drops on the windshield, but not the sheet of rain falling. You can see where the rain bounces off the road.
It works to eliminate the "blindness" from passing cars. Or the "kickup" if you are following a car in the rain.
They ought to teach this little tip in driver's training....It really does work. This is a good warning I wonder how many people knew
about this???
Another good tip:
A 36 year old female had an accident several weeks ago. It was raining, though not excessively when her car suddenly began to hydro-plane and literally flew through the air. She was not seriously injured but very stunned at the sudden occurrence! When she explained to the Police Officer what had happened, he told her something that every driver should know- NEVER DRIVE IN THE RAIN WITH YOUR CRUISE CONTROL ON.
She thought she was being cautious by setting the cruise control and maintaining a safe consistent speed in the rain....

But the Police Officer told her that if the cruise control is on, your car will begin to hydro-plane when the tires lose contact with the road, and your car will accelerate to a higher rate of speed making you take off like an airplane. She told the Officer that was exactly what had occurred. The Officer said this warning should be listed, on the driver's seat sun-visor-NEVER USE THE CRUISE CONTROL WHEN THE ROAD IS WET OR ICY, along with the airbag warning. We tell our teenagers to set the cruise control and drive a safe speed-but we don't tell them to use the cruise control only when the road is dry.

The only person the accident victim found who knew this,(besides the Officer), was a man who'd had a similar accident, totalled his car and sustained severe injuries.

NOTE: Some vehicles (like the Toyota Sienna Limited XLE) will not
allow you to set the cruise control when the windshield wipers are on.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: DeputyDavid on November 30, 2013, 11:19:57 AM

Old wifes tales. Sunglasses are illegal to wear at night here. Secondly, if there is wheel spin on ice or water, engine speed will be reduced due to the increased speed of the wheels rpm, thus reducing the hydroplaning effect.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on November 30, 2013, 12:39:47 PM

I'll try the sunglasses next time cheers

Or maybe not then!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 30, 2013, 01:31:36 PM

THE TROUBLE WITH RETIREMENT

The trouble with retirement is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you are on the job.

First, you forget names. Then you forget faces. Then you forget to zip up your fly, and then you forget to unzip your fly.

I find the biggest trouble with having nothing to do is...you can't tell when you are done.

When you see some people work, you wonder what they will do in retirement.

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

The worse thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.

Retirement is a wonderful thing. It is like being a member of Congress. You do nothing and then rest afterward!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 06, 2013, 08:52:03 PM

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.

As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.

He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.

They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.

>>>> To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 06, 2013, 08:53:28 PM

Puns for Educated Minds (someone please explain these to Nookie)

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
--------
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
--------
She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
--------
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
--------
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
--------
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
and was fined for littering.
--------
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
result in Linoleum Blownapart.
--------
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
--------
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
--------
Time flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
--------
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
------
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
--------
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
--------
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
' Keep off the Grass.'
--------
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
--------
The soldier who survived mustard gas and
pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
--------
A backward poet writes inverse.
--------
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine ..
--------
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says,
" I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------
Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
One turns to the other and says, " Dam! "
--------
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
--------
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, " I've lost my electron. " The other says, " Are you sure? "
The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive. "
--------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
--------
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 06, 2013, 09:25:21 PM

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 08, 2013, 09:19:38 PM

The History of the Middle Finger
I never knew this before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the bird.'
IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!
And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on December 09, 2013, 12:36:08 AM

I have heard this before, but it was not for the middle finger, but for the two fingers used in the usual V that we are all familiar with and I must admit 2 fingers to draw back a bow string seems more likely than just one? This being where the usual 2 finger salute comes from.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 13, 2013, 03:40:22 PM

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman .

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 13, 2013, 03:45:32 PM

Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, “Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.

Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’”

The pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Nescafe man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

“My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”

The Nescafe guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that’s half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.”

And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

“There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”

“And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 18, 2013, 03:34:49 PM

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the
waitresses are gorgeous. A particularly voluptuous
waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs that won't quit
came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 20, 2013, 10:53:17 PM

"The Lost Purse"

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 25, 2013, 08:23:54 PM

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 25, 2013, 08:25:11 PM

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.

On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus:

"I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 04, 2014, 07:35:00 PM

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>>
>> 4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
>>
>> 5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>>
>> 6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>>
>> 7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>>
>> 8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
>> something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
>>
>> 9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
>> end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
>>
>> 10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
>>
>> 11. The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
>> those who got there first.
>>
>> 12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish
>> and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
>>
>> 13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
>>
>> 14. God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
>>
>>
>>
>> 15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
>> twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 09, 2014, 03:09:20 PM

Old Timers Sex

This is too funny to be dirty - enjoy!
The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence... The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 11, 2014, 04:46:33 PM

A pretty young gypsy girl knocked on my door and asked if I had any old clothing.
I said yes but what would I get in return?
She said I could play with her breasts.
I thought…That’s fair….Tit for Tat.

I’m in trouble with the wife. We were in bed naked and she asked what I would like to do most with her body. Apparently “Identify it” wasn’t the right answer.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday, but strangely enough….once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.
So I thought…Sod it….soldier on.

I woke up this morning at 8 o'clock and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do………
Then I remembered, Wetherspoons serve breakfast until 11.30.

Man shagging 30 stone woman.
He says, “Can we have the light switched off?"
She said, “Why? Do you find me repulsive?”
He said, “ No….it’s burning my arse.”

Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor, and it says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up.

Girl - "Can I drive?"
Man - "No. I'm fine."
Girl - "Oh, please let me. I really want to!"
Man - "No!"
Girl - "I tell you what, if you let me drive, just for a bit, I'll give you a blowjob."
Man - "Really?"
Girl - "Promise."
Man - "Oh go on then ... "
"And that, your honour, is the final entry from the black box on the Costa Concordia."

Did you hear about the fat alcoholic transvestite? All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"WHAT?” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid ......... then I was petrified.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking? I replied it's me talking to the beer.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in our shopping centre, but I've been banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

A pal of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?"
He said "Her brother's got a moustache."

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
She replied, "No, it's normal porn, you sick bastard."

The Red Cross knocked at our door and asked if we could help towards the floods in Pakistan. I said we would love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.

A Mexican just started his own business in Afghanistan. He’s making land mines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says: 'Prophets are going through the roof

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on January 11, 2014, 05:04:01 PM

Thanks TBWG ....

Haven't had a laugh for a few days

Now I am ROTFLMAO

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D

love5

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 11, 2014, 06:20:17 PM

Pleased you Like ~~~ this thread now has over 100,000 views so somebody appreciates it cheergirl

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on January 11, 2014, 08:43:16 PM

It's MEEEEEEE!!!

Some crackers in the last lot, thanks very much....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 11, 2014, 10:37:31 PM

Just got off the phone with a cousin who lives in Scotland.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been nearly waist high and is still falling.

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the north wind is increasing to near gale force.

Her husband has done nothing but look through the kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunkard in.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: raydee on January 12, 2014, 08:07:02 AM

Q-What are the first symtoms of aids?
A-a pounding sensation in the ass.

Q-What is red and bad for your teeth?
A-a brick.

- only good thing i can say about a pedophile is they drive slow through school zones.

Q-whats the smartest thing to come out of a womans mouth?
A-Einstein's dick.

Q-why did god give mexicans nose's?
A-so they would have something to pick in the off season

Didn't know what to get my 10 year old scouse nephew for his birthday, so i put 20 quid in his nan's purse.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 16, 2014, 08:36:08 PM

Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably West Ham United): "That will be ten quid, mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 16, 2014, 08:39:54 PM

An English tourist was driving through the Outback when he noticed a man on
the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.

A few miles further on he came upon a small Outback town, parked his car and
went into the pub for a drink.

He grabbed a beer and had a look around the bar and noticed a one legged guy
sitting in the corner masturbating without a care in the world.

The English tourist turned to the barman and said: "What sort of country is
this ? A few miles down the road there was a guy having sex with a kangaroo
and that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."

The barman said, " You heartless bastard, he's only got one leg, how do you
expect him to catch a Kangaroo ? "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 16, 2014, 08:40:34 PM

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 â€¦correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: raydee on January 18, 2014, 06:20:03 PM

-recent studies show that there have been some studies recently.

-anyone who say's the book was better than the movie never had a blowjob in the cinema.

-you know you live in a shit society when pizza gets to your door faster than the police.

- it is better to have loved and lost,than to have had to live with that bitch for the rest of my life.

-if watermelons are full of water,what are kumquats full of ?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2014, 04:14:50 PM

The National Art Gallery in Dublin , a husband and wife were
staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.

The painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a
bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a
pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having
trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted
the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,
patriarchal society. 'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe
that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression
experienced by gay men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and
said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the
curator of the gallery?', asked the couple.

'Because I am the artist who painted the picture,' he
replied. 'In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're
just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 27, 2014, 04:19:20 PM

The warmth and heart wrenching simplicity of Australian bush poetry can bring a tear to the eye.
We are blessed in Australia to have such an abundant wealth of talented story tellers through whom future generations can learn of our history and 21st century lifestyle.
Here is a classic example:

A Poem About Tomatoes:

I know a Muslim whose name is Asim,
I really love throwing tomatoes at him,
Tomatoes are soft and don't hurt the skin,
But these fuckers do, because they're still in the tin

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 30, 2014, 08:26:58 PM

A brave soul

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 30, 2014, 08:56:04 PM

Quote from: TBWG on January 30, 2014, 08:26:58 PM

A brave soul

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his model 1911 Colt .45 caliber pistol with an 8 round magazine, and yelled, "Who in here has been screwing my wife?"

A voice from the back of the bar yelled back, "You need more ammo."

Reminds of being asked:

"You have any naked pictures of your wife?"

When the reply is "No",

respond, "Want some?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 02, 2014, 02:56:01 PM

From: The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may x in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model or if
it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. EVER.... Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

19: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

21: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue..

22: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of
story.

23: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics..
EVER.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2014, 09:46:04 AM

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
> bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
> closely, she unexpectedly farts.
>
> Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
> her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
> As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
> a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
>
> Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
> of a professional in a store like Harrods.
> He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
> you today?
>
> Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
> somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
> this lovely bracelet?'
>
> He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
> to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2014, 03:38:55 PM

A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Dad, I found the cash you were hiding from Mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.

P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down.
It’s not true.
I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the
f--king Ashes.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2014, 09:58:29 AM

Laughter is the BEST Medicine

Advertisement In Shop:
'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.'

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!'

On a bulletin board:
'Success Is Relative.
The More The Success,
The More The Relatives.'

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 04, 2014, 01:13:09 PM

If only ....

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 04, 2014, 01:16:14 PM

^^^^ Double post of pic :)

Probably because they are TWINS !!!!!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 05, 2014, 09:23:25 PM

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 07, 2014, 08:22:10 PM

A teacher asked her junior class to names things ending in "tor" that
> ate things.
> The first little boy said, "Alligator".
> "Very good James, that's a big word", said the teacher.
> The second little boy said, "Predator".
> "Yes, that's another big word", said the teacher.
> Little Johnny says, "Vibrator".
> After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That's a big word
> Johnny, but
> it doesn't eat anything".
> Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***king
> batteries like there is no tomorrow".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 08, 2014, 09:49:38 AM

Great Female Humor!

While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.'s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'

'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 13, 2014, 12:43:31 PM

------Wife's Diary:

I thought my husband was acting weird tonight. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends most of the day, and they dropped me off a bit late to meet him. I thought he was upset because of that, but he didn't comment on it.

Then, I thought maybe the noise of the restaurant was inhibiting conversation, so I suggested that we go someplace where we could talk. He didn't seem interested, but he quietly agreed. I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing". I asked him if I had done something to upset him. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, but continued to drive in silence. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely. It was as if he wanted nothing more to do with me. He just sat quietly, and watched TV. He continued to appear distant.

Finally, with silence between us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but, I still felt that his thoughts were elsewhere.

When he fell asleep, I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure he's thinking of someone else. Maybe he's even having an affair. My life is a disaster!

-----Husband's Diary:

A two-foot putt! How the fu@k can you miss a two-foot putt!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 14, 2014, 08:52:47 PM

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

What is the man's name?"

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer".

The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

The Scotsman got the job.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 16, 2014, 10:33:41 AM

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 16, 2014, 08:15:20 PM

State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on February 19, 2014, 09:41:00 PM

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump.

"When I got to the door I lost my bottle and I just couldn't jump".

"The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out his 14 inch dong, and says,

'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your arse.".

Mick says, 'Did you jump?'

Paddy says, 'I did a bit, when it first went in.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 21, 2014, 09:47:23 PM

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn Autocorrect...I meant "WiFi", not "Wife".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 21, 2014, 09:51:23 PM

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a ‘mail order’ bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, ‘She’ll be twenty-one in November.’

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.

Wanting his old friend’s remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

‘How’s the new wife?’, asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, ‘Good - she’s pregnant.’

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, ‘And how’s the hired hand?’

Without hesitating, Tom said, ‘She’s pregnant too.’

Don’t ever underestimate old guys.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 21, 2014, 10:14:00 PM

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved “I love you, Sally”.

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars!

Jerry said, We've got to give it back.

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, "No."

Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile"

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him.

One said: "Tell us the story from the beginning."

Jerry said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..."

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "We're outta here!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 24, 2014, 09:46:49 AM

A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman.

He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.

The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an Attitude Suitability Test", that you must take before you can be accepted.

We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:

six illegal aliens,
six lawyers,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
six Democrats,
and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.

"You pass," said the Chief Deputy."When can you start?"

I LOVE TEXAS

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 08, 2014, 11:59:06 AM

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed. Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town's grouch So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste nothing', so what are you going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders. So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad. One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the office.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 08, 2014, 12:00:50 PM

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the wretched crop................

Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 09, 2014, 01:25:38 PM

There once was a sheriff who, no matter what the situation, always said, "It could have been worse" after viewing the scene of the crime. It drove his two deputies absolutely crazy.

One day, the two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They both had been shot to death. When the deputies went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here, he's going to say 'It could have been worse' as he always does!"

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're on." said the first deputy.

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side.

"No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse!!"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 12, 2014, 06:11:19 PM

Subject: Islamic Romance

A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage.

"Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked.

Yeah," he replied, "But be fair, you were only eleven!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 13, 2014, 12:03:54 PM

Linda Burnett, 26, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws
and, while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.

Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway
with the windows rolled up and her eyes closed, with both hands behind
the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that
Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her
if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back
of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because
the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her
head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread
dough on the back of her head.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a
loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her
in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough
and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly
recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that
could all be a coincidence.

The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date
was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 13, 2014, 02:15:08 PM

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.

Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night..

Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.

She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 15, 2014, 11:41:26 AM

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says:

"I wanna hit the powerball and be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore on the planet, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris , a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, and bang her three times a day in the most exotic places on earth".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson ....

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore. "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on March 15, 2014, 12:08:31 PM

:D :D :D

Nice one TBWG ... I once knew a Sarah

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 28, 2014, 07:50:10 PM

PSYCHOPATH TEST

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result.
This is not a trick question.
It is as it reads.
No one I know has gotten it right, Few people do.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know.
She thought this guy was amazing.
She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below

Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.
If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.
This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to determine if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn’t answer the question correctly, good for you.
If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take your crazy ass off my e-mail list!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 29, 2014, 12:57:19 PM

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist.

Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter.

Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 04, 2014, 10:44:26 PM

She has now had 4 Husbands……

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered. “Interesting,” the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now - in her 80’s - a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

(Wait for it) - - -She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.” (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 04, 2014, 10:51:04 PM

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus.

Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
Done that!

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail!

That too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

Yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

Aha!

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

Well darn!

6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished.

Oh, no not again!

7. Causes you to hit “DELETE” instead of “SEND.”

And I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit “SEND” when you should “DELETE.”

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE “C-NILE VIRUS.”

Did I already post this? Or did you already? I forget

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 05, 2014, 03:29:59 PM

http://safeshare.tv/w/KkkEFRtyiS

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 07, 2014, 11:13:26 AM

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager.

After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,

"Wow, She's fat!”

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out as far as
they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"

The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.

The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.

After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.

Just then her pager began to emit a "beep, beep, beep"

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f*****g life, she's reversing!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 09, 2014, 01:13:30 PM

Some guy was talking about his stop at the single’s bar known for three-ways with a mother-daughter thing. The guy is eye-balling a good looking gal in her fifties. Thinks to himself “Man - I bet her daughter is GORGEOUS!”.

The gal sees him, and comes over and says “I bet you're one of those guys that likes that mother-daughter stuff. You interested?”

“Oh boy - I sure am!”
.
.
.
.
“HEY MA!! I GOT A LIVE ONE OVER HERE!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on April 11, 2014, 07:25:56 PM

Nicked from an e-mail today :-

Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack...
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you,
He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives
On December 24 in 25 minutes.

___________________________________
Men Are Just Happier People

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators... YEP!!!

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 15, 2014, 11:08:56 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 16, 2014, 03:32:56 PM

JOHNS HOPKINS WEIGHT STUDY

The National Institutes of Health has just released the results of a $200 million research study completed under a grant to Johns Hopkins.
The new study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on April 18, 2014, 12:39:44 PM

Very Accurate!

Math Trick

I love math tricks and this one really works and will only take you about ten seconds!!!
Amazing it really works to reveal my all-time favorite movie.

I'm pretty good at math, so I did it in my head, then on paper, and finally on a calculator
Just to confirm my numerical capabilities.

Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough it IS my very favorite movie EVER!
DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN compare the results to the list of movies at the bottom.
You will be AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is...

1 Pick a number from 1-9.
2 Multiply that number by 3.
3 Add 3.
4 Multiply by 3 again.
5 Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second digits together to find your
Favorite movie (of all time) in the list of 17 movies below:

Movie List:
1. Gone With the Wind
2. E.T.
3. Blazing Saddles
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Obama Farewell Speech
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders of the Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire

Amazing!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 26, 2014, 07:51:26 AM

Who said Nursing Homes were boring?

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady,Mrs Pretzel
“I know just what you’re wanting. For $5 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

She looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

The old man continued, “For $10 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve ever had in your life.”

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room,” says the old man.

“Get serious,” she replies. “Four times in the rocking chair!!!!.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 26, 2014, 07:54:24 AM

During a long day of looking around a car show, me, and a couple of my friends stopped in at “Hooter’s” for some Hot Wings and a few beers.

After sitting there for a while, one of my friends asked me which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them “The one who knows how to fix elevators. I’m old, tired, and pee a lot.”

My older pals will understand this.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 26, 2014, 09:07:26 AM

A little Catholic sense of humor! I couldn't resist passing this on.

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and
behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'
'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on May 09, 2014, 11:56:04 AM

A couple for the soap dodgers ........

Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

.................................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

.................................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

.................................................................................

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 09, 2014, 09:33:42 PM

A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard day's work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.

This continued several times before the man's curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice your little ritual. Why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot and beer?"

The man replied, "I have a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts looking good, I head home!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 09, 2014, 09:34:45 PM

An old man was sipping on a glass on whiskey, while sitting on the patio with his wife, and he says: “I love you so much, I don’t know how I could ever live without you” ...

His wife asks: “Is that you, or the whisky talking?”.....

He replies: “It’s me .... talking to the whiskey.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on May 10, 2014, 07:10:06 AM

Son: “Dad, we’re learning about prisms at school. They’re fascinating.”

Dad: “That’s good son, because as a dyslexic black boy, you’re bound to end up in one.”

A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."

His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 17, 2014, 10:47:44 AM

Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.

Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico ?"

Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."

When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"

The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks".

He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."

Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"

The waiter, realizing he is dealing with 'Gringos' replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.

While the waiter is away, Sid says, "I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico . Our people are scattered everywhere."

The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."

"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"

"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.

"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 17, 2014, 10:51:26 AM

I think this was meant for you and was sent to me by mistake. Don't know why anyone would send this to me. HOPE IT HELPS!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 18, 2014, 09:54:44 AM

Thought for the day...

" It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realise that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 18, 2014, 09:55:29 AM

A man walked into a Washington, D.C. Catholic Church confessional.

He tells the priest, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. Last night, I killed a congressman."

The priest responds, "My son, I'm here to forgive your sins, not discuss your community service work."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 20, 2014, 08:17:25 PM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news."

"Well," says the bloke, "I guess I'd better have the bad news first."

The Sarge says, "I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good
news is. The Sarge says, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
Really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've
brought you your share."

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five
crabs in it.

"Gee-whizz thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So, what's the other possible good news?"

"Well," the Sarge says, "If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I
get off duty at around 11 o'clock... and we're going to shoot over there and pull her up again."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 27, 2014, 11:07:05 AM

She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.

Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?

"No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous."

"Well, I see varmints eating them and they're OK."

So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sauteed them for her dinner.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, she watched the dog.

The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success.

After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."

Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can.

We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."

Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road.

The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was done the doctor came out and said,

"Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.

The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum,

"I can't believe that guy!"

"What guy?"

"You know, that one who ran over Spot, he never even slowed down".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 30, 2014, 10:29:50 PM

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, ‘That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.’

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn’t eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said ‘No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.’

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked ‘What is it you are waiting for?’

She answered:

“THE TEETH.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 02, 2014, 02:25:56 PM

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones
are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

Then You Are Probably

The Family Dog!

And you thought I was going to get all spiritual...

Handle every stressful situation like a dog.

If you can't eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 07, 2014, 11:07:33 AM

Did you ever have “one of those days”?

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

“Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”

“When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

“Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 17, 2014, 03:41:01 AM

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you - nothing new there then) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?
13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?

Canadian Police Officer:

BANG !

American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

Glasgow Police Officer:

"Haw, Jimmie.. Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer arse!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 23, 2014, 11:22:26 AM

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an ‘X’ at election time, my hands are so crippled,”volunteered a third.

“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you! said a fourth.

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fifth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy I can hardly walk!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said an elderly gent.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “thankfully, we can all still drive.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 28, 2014, 12:38:37 AM

Just my luck !
Beware of The Older Woman THE OLDER WOMAN
I ended up
with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that
she Probably had a really hot daughter.
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd
ever Had a Sportsman's Double.
'What's that?' I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.
I said, 'No,' - excitedly.
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.
I went back to her place.
She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs:
'Mum, you still awake?' ..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 09, 2014, 05:20:11 PM

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup the Nigerian captain personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans that travelled to Brazil.

He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction!

What a nice bloke!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 12, 2014, 10:10:39 AM

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by: Pissing and moaning.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 12, 2014, 10:14:26 AM

A Harley Biker is riding by the zoo in Washington,DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly. A reporter has watched the whole event.

The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, ‘Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve seen a man do in my whole life.’

The Harley rider replies, ‘Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.’

The reporter says, ‘Well, I’ll make sure this won’t go unnoticed. I’m a journalist, you know, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?’

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican”

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:

U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH

...and THAT pretty much sums up the media’s approach to the news these days...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2014, 05:51:40 PM

John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London is in a
major car crash.

When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....the bad news is you have had 2
pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the hell is the good news then?"

"Your penis is 6" longer and you are top of the housing list"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2014, 05:52:44 PM

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group.

"You can't come in here without a Thai."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on July 26, 2014, 06:41:06 PM

TBWG

:D :D :D :D :D wave1

love5

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Freddy on July 26, 2014, 11:41:40 PM

Nice One :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 27, 2014, 01:24:30 PM

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.

"Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"

"No," she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.

"I pay you $400."

"No," she says.

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style".

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.

Finally, after two hours, they finish.

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is 'immigrant style'?"

The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 27, 2014, 03:16:22 PM

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes
up my nose & down my throat, every function & all around my head, hell of a
pain over my left ear, and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not
feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then ?'

NOW THERE MY FRIEND IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 31, 2014, 08:36:48 PM

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first
day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march
down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all
over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it
around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached
Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 02, 2014, 03:35:03 PM

Snoring Solution
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 05, 2014, 10:05:27 AM

The Secretary

One day the directors of a Chicago finance company were called in to a chairman's office until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

He entered the office to find the chairman and other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.

Suddenly the chairman turned to the young man and asked: Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?

No, certainly not.

Are you absolutely sure, persisted the chairman?

Absolutely; I've never laid a finger on her.

You'd swear to that on a stack of bibles?

Yes, I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.

Good. Then you fire her.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 13, 2014, 10:20:13 AM

Unfortunately it's mostly true, the dumbing down of society…

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried... Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I was in school)

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit ? Yes or No

4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok).

6. Teaching Math In 2014

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

ANSWER: His profit was $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: DeputyDavid on August 13, 2014, 10:29:01 AM

The above is more accurate than you may believe. Thus, I retire to Thailand.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 13, 2014, 11:02:47 AM

I believe it .... It's now drag everybody down to the lowest level and praise them for mediocrity rather than try and improve the dumbest!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: mike on August 13, 2014, 10:49:06 PM

Where is the like button, that is the funniest joke I have heard since I did math in the 50's

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: JasonB on August 14, 2014, 11:55:02 AM

I believe Mike,that I have actually had that joke happen to me in Australia several times over the last 20 odd years or so,the last time I was in MacDonalds.But we can't leave the Thai's out because we love their dear little hearts,have you ever made a purchase somewhere without a cash register that didn't use a calculator???

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: mike on August 14, 2014, 05:25:26 PM

A long time ago yes, but not these days.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 16, 2014, 08:04:24 PM

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.

8. Some days you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here - I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.

15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder
what I’m “here after.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 16, 2014, 08:06:08 PM

*Short MED School Exam*

When students took the Entrance Exam for Medical School, they were perplexed by this question:

“Rearrange the letters P-N-E-S-I to spell out the part of the human body that is most useful when erect.”

Those who spelled *SPINE* became doctors.

The rest are in Congress.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on August 17, 2014, 11:52:56 AM

Thinkin 'til the End!

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,

'I've got some bad news.

You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.

They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,

'Putting Your Affairs In Order .'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 18, 2014, 05:05:48 PM

A RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow

for my loyal pet, Babe the Wonder Dog, which weighs 191 lbs. I

was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a

dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So, because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her

that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I

added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital

last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an

intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices,

and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way

it works is to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets and

simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is

nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it

again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was

now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the

dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a Fire

Hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he

was laughing so hard.

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in

the World to think of crazy things to say.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 06, 2014, 11:12:00 PM

Trying to Understand Women!

1. A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but NO, you said that might hurt!"

2. I spent $5,000 on a boob job for the wife. She was delighted. I spent another $2,000 on a nose job for her. She was ecstatic. I spent $2,000 on liposuction for her and she couldn't thank me enough! But I spend 50 bucks on a blowjob for myself and she goes fucking nuts!!! Women, I just can't figure them out!.

3. A mother in law said to her son's wife when their baby was born: "I don't mean to be rude but he doesn't look anything like my son." The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said: "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a pussy, not a fucking photo-copier."

4. Little kid catches his mom and dad having sex. He says, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We are making you a little brother." The boy answers, "Why don't you do it doggy style, and make me a puppy!"

5. "I'm fed up with the excuses women come up with to avoid having sex, like; "I'm tired, I'm washing my hair, I've got a headache, I'm your sister in law."

6. Dear Dr. Phil: I was watching my next door neighbor's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off I turned to notice my wife was just standing there, arms folded, watching me. Is she a pervert or what?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Admin on September 07, 2014, 03:54:29 AM

Excellent jokes tbwg! :-)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 17, 2014, 05:01:52 PM

ADVICE FROM
LUIGI, A RETIRED HUSBAND

Â

It is
important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder
for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were
younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive
woman.

Â

My name is
Luigi. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne.
When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get
a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and
for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working,
I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the
golf club about the same time she gets home from
work.

Â

Although
she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half
an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I
tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the
table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating
out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that
door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now
it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after
dinner.

Â

I do what I
can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they
won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does
seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to
bed.

Â

Another
symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile
and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even
three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you
know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong
points.

Â

When doing
simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to
take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to
make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long
as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me,
too.

Â

I know that
I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not
saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it
difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how
frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just
use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of
this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After
all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Â

EDITOR'S
NOTE:

Luigi died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The
police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big
Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of
grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was
arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes
to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Luigi, somehow without
looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 21, 2014, 04:57:56 PM

A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the African desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women.And sir, sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have the camel."

The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay."

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own urges.Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder,pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"

"No, not really, sir ...They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are"!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 02, 2014, 02:02:29 AM

Exotic Travel

My wife and I decided to take an organised trip to Afghanistan to see for ourselves what the place was like.

It didn't start well when the train we where travelling on broke down a few miles North of the capital.

We were stranded in a third world hell hole! Streets full of angry bearded types glaring at us, the wife stood out in her brightly coloured sundress, as all other women were head to toe in black burqas.

We were extremely scared and convinced that we were in deep trouble.

Just then, Dave the organiser suddenly remembered that Finsbury Park had a tube station, so we were able to get safely to King’s Cross and then on to Heathrow for the rest of our journey to Afghanistan.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 04, 2014, 09:07:09 AM

A Little 10-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her. After following along for a while, turns to her and asks, “Hey there little girl, do you want to go for a ride?”

“NO!” says the little girl as she keeps on walking.

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, “Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back.”

“NO!” says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, “Okay kid, my last offer! I’ll give you 20 Bucks “and” a Big Bag of Candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride.”

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and Screams Out...

“Look Dad” “You’re the one who bought the Honda instead of the Harley ...YOU RIDE IT!!”

98% of all Harleys sold are still on the road.

The other 2% actually made it home from the dealer

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 04, 2014, 09:09:29 AM

Medicare - Part G - Nursing Home Plan

Say you’re a sick senior citizen and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do?
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older, a gun (Part G), and four bullets. You are allowed to shoot four politicians.

This means, of course, that you’ll be sent to prison where you’ll receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating & air conditioning, cable TV, library, and all the Health Care you need.

Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That’s great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart?

They’re all covered.

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!

And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can’t afford for you to go into a home. And, you can get rid of 4 useless politicians while you’re at it. And now, because you’re a prisoner, you don’t have to pay any more income taxes.

Is this a great country or what?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 10, 2014, 04:36:40 PM

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned
to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.

"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"

The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 24, 2014, 09:11:04 PM

email:

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your bottom in the winter and directed cool air to your bottom in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: hotnutts on October 24, 2014, 09:16:36 PM

Quote from: urleft on October 24, 2014, 09:11:04 PM

email:

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday for a look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct. The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your bottom in the winter and directed cool air to your bottom in the summer heat.

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership...damn guy had no sense of humor

:D :D :D

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 27, 2014, 06:07:56 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: mahdam on October 27, 2014, 06:54:58 PM

Quote from: TBWG on October 27, 2014, 06:07:56 PM

.

Brings back fond memories.
Those where the days!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 27, 2014, 08:20:29 PM

Quote from: TBWG on October 27, 2014, 06:07:56 PM

.

Origin of the comment:

What happened was -- this is back in the late eighties, I think -- Senator Kennedy is vacationing off the coast of the south of France and he's got a young nubile, very limber and flexible young woman with him, scantily clad in a nice bikini. We know this because paparazzi were taking pictures from neighboring boats, and the New York Daily News published the pictures, and there were a series of four pictures. The first picture shows them cavorting out there on the boat. The second picture shows us the scantily clad, nubile, very flexible and limber young woman diving in the water off the edge of the boat. The next picture showed Senator Kennedy jumping in after her -- which was a first for Senator Kennedy to go in the water after a woman -- and then the last picture showed them back in the boat making... uh, "having intimacies," let's say. The pictures made the rounds, and they showed them to Howell Heflin, a Senator from Alabama. He was a huge guy, and he looked at the picture and said (rare Howell Heflin impression), "Well, I do declare! Ha! Why, it do look to me like Senator Kennedy done changed his position on offshore drilling."

Unfortunate I can't seem to find the original pictures.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 31, 2014, 10:55:44 AM

...what happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do".

. . .. 1/3 ownership in the store,

. . .. A company pickup truck,

. . .. A king size bed and $3,000 a month in living expenses.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 31, 2014, 08:33:32 PM

First Witch: “What are you doing?

Second Witch: “I am making a special Halloween potion that requires eye of a werewolf, gizzard of a ghoul, liver of a vampire, horn from a unicorn, and heart of a lawyer.

So far, I have everything I need except the heart of a lawyer.”

First Witch: “Good luck!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 06, 2014, 11:37:20 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 08, 2014, 09:34:28 AM

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first. When the mortician pulled back the sheet, Cooter said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, “Nope, ain't Stanley.”

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body. Gomer looked at the body and said, “Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, “No, it ain't Stanley.”

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?” Gomer said, “Well, Stanley had two ass-holes.”

“What! He had two ass-holes?” asked the mortician.

“Yup," said Gomer, "we never seen 'em, but everybody says, 'There's Stanley with them two ass-holes.'”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 08, 2014, 04:35:48 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 09, 2014, 09:19:07 AM

A C-130 "Hercules" cargo plane, an Air Force workhorse since 1954, was flying over the Persian Gulf on a mission when a cocky pilot in an F-16 "Fighting Falcon" fighter flew up next to him.

The fighter jock got on the radio and told the C-130 pilot, "Watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.

The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!"

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on the radio and said, "What did you think of that?"

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "I didn't see anything. What the hell did you do?"

The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on November 12, 2014, 07:59:18 PM

biggrin1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: BillH52 on November 12, 2014, 11:44:11 PM

sawadi

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 17, 2014, 07:52:53 PM

Condom on the aircraft

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realize they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted.

Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Get that condom on she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure.

But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realized what they are up to, So, she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

And what were you thinking?

I worry about you sometimes!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 24, 2014, 02:50:00 PM

Celebrating 50 years together.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

"Happy anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.“Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."

"Not to worry," said the father. "Important thing is we're all together today."
Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from LA between depositions & didn't have time to shop for you."

"It's nothing," said the father. "We're glad you were able to come."

Just then the daughter arrived. "Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town & I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

After they had finished dessert, the father said, "There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

“Yep," said the father, "Cheap ones too."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 24, 2014, 06:48:37 PM

Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....

September 9, 1850?

California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money
and almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women
had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.

And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 27, 2014, 09:40:35 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 28, 2014, 03:21:41 PM

This morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo. It’s been hard to find lately.

I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought about it for a few seconds . . and asked,

"What kind of ammo 'ya got?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 28, 2014, 03:23:37 PM

THE MAGIC BANK ACCOUNT

THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982

The Magic Bank Account

Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules:

The set of rules:

1. Everything that you didn't spend during each day would be taken away from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend it.

4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!". It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don't know, because you couldn't possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL ...

Shocked ??? YES!

Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can't seem to see it

The PRIZE is *TIME*

1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds
as a gift of life.

2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.

3. What we haven't used up that day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever gone.

5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING...

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

Here's wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”....

"DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD…!"

SOME PEOPLE DON'T GET THE PRIVILEGE!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: rufusredtail on November 29, 2014, 10:37:05 AM

Race tips from Australia
A bloke was having a few drinks by himself at a Sydney casino when he met up
with a striking but quite short and slim young woman.
They got on famously and ended up in bed.
The next morning she told him she was a jockey and that if he came to the
races at Randwick that day, she'd tip him the winner of each race she was
riding in by giving him a sign as she rode out of the saddling paddock.
In Race 2, she rode out rubbing both her boobs.
The bloke looked through the race book and found 'Two Abreast' on which he
placed $100 at 5-1.
It won by two lengths..
In Race 4 she rode out rubbing her fingers round her eyes.
He put the lot on 'Eyeliner' at 10-1 and was then $5000 in front.
In the last race she came out standing up in the stirrups and rubbing her
crotch.
He backed nothing.
After the races, he met up with her and thanked her for the winners in races
2 and 4.
'What about 'Itchy Mickey' in the sixth?', she asked. 'It paid a fortune?,
'Shit', he said, 'I thought you were telling me the favourite was
scratched!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 29, 2014, 01:53:07 PM

After a long day on the golf course, I stopped in at "Hooter's"
to see some friends and have some hot wings and drinks.

After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me
which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them, "The one who knows how to fix elevators."

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: rufusredtail on December 03, 2014, 05:28:41 PM

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, ' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, ! 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

I love this part.... :

'Only when he's pissed.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: rufusredtail on December 10, 2014, 03:17:42 PM

Subject: Climbing Rose
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.

She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..

"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2014, 10:30:32 AM

The Lutheran Bra

A Lutheran man walks into the lingerie department of Macy's in New York City.

He tells the sales lady, "I would like a Lutheran bra for my wife, size-34B."

With a quizzical look the sales lady asks, "What kind of bra?"

He repeats, "A Lutheran bra”.

Bra

My wife said to tell you that she wanted a Lutheran bra and that you would know what she wanted."

"Oh, yes, now I understand," says the sales lady.

"We don't get as many requests for them as we used to.

Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra, the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused and a little flustered, the man asks, "So, what are the differences?"

The sales lady responds. "It's really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses,
the Salvation Army bra lifts up the fallen and the Presbyterian bra keeps them staunch and upright."

He muses on that information for a minute and says, "Hmm.

I know I'll regret asking but what does the Lutheran bra do?"

"Ah," she replied, "the Lutheran bra makes mountains out of molehills!!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2014, 10:42:12 AM

THE HEART ATTACK

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises

coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the

bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab

the phone, but just as she's dialling,
her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty

Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe, and

she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back

upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is

her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack,

and you're running around naked,

playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 17, 2014, 02:03:35 PM

Air Show Disaster - AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS

This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.

Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.

It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.

No one was killed, but it probably scared the shit out of them.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 20, 2014, 07:50:51 PM

USMC Military Humor Joke Navy

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub just outside the Navy Base.
A ragged old Marine Gunnery Sgt. was standing near the edge with a fishing rod, his line in the puddle.
A curious young Navy fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' the old guy simply said.
'Poor old fool,' the Navy officer thought and he invited the ragged old Marine into the pub for a drink.
As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the smart-ass fighter pilot asked, "And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth,' the old Marine Gunny answered.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 20, 2014, 08:01:02 PM

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to him.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.Trembling, he did as she directed "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks"He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."

(P.S. - Yeah, I didn't see it coming, either)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on December 23, 2014, 12:01:29 PM

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentleman named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion.

The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, "You finish?" Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping.

Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?" Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, "No, I'm Norwegian."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on December 28, 2014, 06:37:50 AM

Three Aussie mates were working on a high rise building project.

Johnno slips and falls 20 storeys to his grisley death.

His two mates decide they should tell his missus.

Curly pipes up and says "I'll do it .... I'm a sensitive, caring type of guy."

Couple of hours later Curly returns to the building site with a cold slab of VB on his shoulder.

"Where'd you get that ? ... did you tell Johnno's missus that he's dead ?"

"Well ... sort of " says Curly.

"I finally found her joint, knocked on the door and said "are you Johnno's widow? "

"She said "no"

"I said "wanna bet? "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on December 28, 2014, 07:20:29 AM

Gorgeous, newly married young woman lying in a coma in hospital.

As a nurse gently sponge bathes the womans' private bits, a tiny flicker of eyelids and fingertips is noticed.

Overjoyed, the nurse tells the waiting husband of this positive development.

The nurse suggests that perhaps if the husband had sensual oral sex with his comatosed wife, it may just snap her out

"We'll pull the curtains for a bit of privacy " says the nurse

Excited hubby agrees, and disappears behind the curtain.

30 minutes later the nurses are horrified to hear the unmistakable noise of the heart rate monitor flatlining.

Tearing open the curtains, they are shocked to see that the woman is stone dead, her naked husband standing over her.

"What happened ?" demanded the nurse

"Ahhhh ... dunno ... I guess she choked to death." says hubby

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 29, 2014, 08:21:12 PM

Subject: FW: Postage Stamps

Sorry about this (not really).

A woman goes to the hospital. "What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Tully in North Queensland, in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said, "Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 03, 2015, 11:23:29 AM

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident
Embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I ‎walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. And sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 03, 2015, 09:53:08 PM

Quote from: TBWG on January 03, 2015, 11:23:29 AM

Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous. Recently, a female sheriff's deputy arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old white male, who was fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of a field at night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication. The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop.

'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles, or at least I thought there was no one around' he stated. Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

'Guess I was really into it, y'know?' he commented with evident
Embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching sheriff's car and was unaware of his audience until Deputy Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Deputy Taylor. 'I ‎walked up to Lawrence and he's just humping away at this pumpkin.' Deputy Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ...

'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

The court (and the judge) could not contain their laughter. Lawrence was found guilty only of public intoxication, fined $10. And sent on his way. The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as "The best come-back line ever."

Good thing it was not a sheep.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 07, 2015, 08:19:53 AM

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 24, 2015, 09:08:50 AM

Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by police around 2 a.m. and was
asked where he was going at that time of night .

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human
body, as well as smoking and staying out late.
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 30, 2015, 04:09:54 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on January 30, 2015, 05:26:56 PM

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget....

Furious, she screams, "You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"

The husband replies, "For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ........"

:o

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 04, 2015, 10:57:08 AM

U.S. Marines Rescue 34 ISIS Sex Slaves

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 06, 2015, 11:53:49 PM

And this is from my kind of buddy:

Late Monday morning, the grizzled Marine fighter pilot finally regained consciousness.

He found himself in agonizing pain in the base hospital's ICU, with tubes up every fundamental orifice, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He remembered he'd been in a "no shit" serious flying accident on Saturday.

The nurse gave the fighter pilot a serious, deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say:
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply:
"Can I feel your tits, then?"

AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on February 07, 2015, 11:35:53 AM

A drunk man smelling of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”

The priest replies, “My Son, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”

The drunk muttered in response, “Well, I’ll be darned”, and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”

The drunk answered, ” Oh, I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 13, 2015, 06:25:55 PM

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
"Well, sir, you know your client better than I do. "
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 18, 2015, 04:05:12 PM

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use.

I'll see you back in court Monday.

"On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honour.

I drew two circles like this: O o.

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge.

Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says.

"I drew two circles like this: o O.

Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your asshole before prison.................."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: smoooth2 on February 19, 2015, 04:40:50 AM

A woman decides to have a splurge on her 50th birthday and get a complete facelift job.

She spends 300,000 baht and feels really good about the results.

On her way home, she stops to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she asks the seller, "How old do you think I am ?"

"About 32 " came the reply.

"Nope. I'm exactly 50 " the woman says happily.

A little while late she goes into McDonalds and asks the counter girl the same question.

The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29 "

The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50 "

Now she is feeling really good about herself. She stops in a pharmacy for some cosmetics and asks the sales girl the same question.

"Oh ... I'd say about 30 " says the assistant.

Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you !"

Whilst waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an elderly farang sitting next to her the same question.

He replies, "Lady ... I'm 78 and my eyesight is now not too good, but when I was younger I had a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds a bit naughty, but if you will allow me to fondle your breasts, I can tell your exact age."

They wait in silence for a few minutes until curiosity finally gets the better of her.

"What the hell ... go ahead " she says.

He slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

After a long while and much fumbling he finally says "OK ... got it. Madam ... you are exactly 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says "That's incredible ... how could you tell ?"

The old guy says "I was standing behind you in the line at McDonalds."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 28, 2015, 09:24:34 AM

A definition of globalization that even I can understand and to which I now can relate:
Question : ?What is the truest definition of Globalization ??

Answer : Princess Diana?s death.

Where the world witnessed an English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crash in a French tunnel, riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian chauffer who was drunk on Russian vodka, followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles. Attempts to save her life were performed by an American doctor using Brazilian medicines.

This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates? computer technology. You?re probably reading this on your computer, that uses Taiwanese chips and a Korean monitor assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen and trucked to you by Mexicans who are in the US illegally because the current president, possibly born in Kenya and educated as a Muslim in Indonesia refuses to enforce US law.

That, my friends, is Globalization !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 28, 2015, 06:48:38 PM

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money
from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,

the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to
pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from
you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament
was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 02, 2015, 07:53:40 PM

Aldi a big Supermarket

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says
to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell.
I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's.
Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell
you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars.
A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's.

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.
It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping at Aldi's."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new tech-
-nology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could
be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit.
Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself,
your elbow will never get better.

Thank you for shopping at Aldi.

--

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 05, 2015, 09:07:49 AM

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She protested,"But we don't know anything about each other."

He replied,"That's all right; we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel,climbed up to the
10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the
water perfectly, almost without a ripple.

This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again
straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel.

She said, "That was incredible!"

He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more
about each other as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast
that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was
already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle breast-stroke, even butterfly!

After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel,
barely breathing heavily.

He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?"

No, she said, "I was a hooker in Halifax and I worked both sides of the harbour!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: CO-CO on March 05, 2015, 02:57:59 PM

SEX IN THE SHOWER

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm (Brut), people from Liverpool have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Liverpool's residents said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 11, 2015, 10:01:05 PM

50 Shades of Golf

Four guys have been going on the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years..

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

"Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?'

I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom.

The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...... On the bed she had handcuffs and ropes!

She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So--- Here I am!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 14, 2015, 11:56:07 AM

Wow, do this kid nail it:

Gotta love those grand-kids ..
I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"

I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bull Shit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 23, 2015, 09:06:23 AM

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
"The Isis group," she says.
"Why them?," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 23, 2015, 08:18:54 PM

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is
hilarious. From a show on Canadian TV,
where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton! He was the closest
thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.

*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women*

Even now? Look at him ... his wife works, and he doesn't!

And, he gets a cheque from the government every month.

*Manufacturers announced that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "
Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men. It consists primarily of a
weenie in hot water.

*Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honour Bill Clinton. The
Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."

*The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole
truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to
know."

*Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between
the Bushes."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 24, 2015, 02:23:09 PM

The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out of the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 24, 2015, 02:48:06 PM

It's an old one but still enjoyable

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further.. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class.. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"

He said: "Who the F *ck did your hair?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 05, 2015, 08:48:55 PM

While the priest was presenting a children's sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation

Can also be very dangerous. In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on him and the boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours, you are

Supposed to call the doctor." It took ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 08, 2015, 10:46:25 AM

So, I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.

The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the U.S. Immigration Policy Book regarding Muslims.

The Clerk said, “F*ck off, get out, and stay out.”

I said, “Yes, that's the one.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 10, 2015, 02:40:57 PM

The Bravest Joke Teller Ever:
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I
think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1.. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2.. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-club.
3.. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde with a black belt in karate.
4.. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5.. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy . . . Do you still wanna tell
that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second and mutters, 'No . . . not if I'm
gonna have to explain it five times . . . . . . . . '

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on April 16, 2015, 07:50:26 AM

THIS IS NOT AS EASY AS IT LOOKS

Pass on to all 50yrs. and older & anyone else who could benefit.

Cardiovascular Exercise
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine. This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
If you're over 50, you might want to take it easy at first, then do more repetitions as you become more proficient and build stamina. Warning: It may be too strenuous for some.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!
Scroll Down

NOW SCROLL UP
That's enough for the first day. Great job.
Have a glass of wine.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Westlife on April 18, 2015, 10:20:32 PM

Bob's wife dies , so after a few weeks his mate Terry pop's in to see him to find out how he's is doing.
Bob say's " I'm fine but the only problem is it's a bit quiet in the evenings as I haven't anybody to talk too".
Terry say's" Why don't you get yourself a Budgerigar" ;)
So Bob goes down to the Pet-shop and buys a Budgie' . (http://talkbudgies.com/images/smilies/grbud.gif)
Terry goes to see Bob to find out how he's getting along with his new Budgie.
Bob say's " The Budgie is not talking yet " :(
Terry say's "You want to go and buy him a Mirror , that will get him Talking " ;)
So Bob buys a mirror and after 2 days the Budgie is still not talking so Terry say's "You want to go and buy him a Bell,he'll ring the bell with his little beak and will soon be talking ";)
So Bob goes and buys the Budgie a bell and after 2 more days the Budgie is still not talking ,so Terry say's" You want to go and buy him a little ladder,he's be running up and down that ladder and he'll be talking in no time" . ;)
So Bob goes and buy the Budgie a Ladder.
A few days later Terry goes to see Bob to find out if the Budgie is talking yet.
Bob say's to Terry " I've got some sad news ...the Budgie is dead :( but he did say something before he died".!!!
Terry say's " What did he say " ???
Bob replies " Food "
:biggrin:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 01, 2015, 10:09:23 AM

An old one but maybe new to non brits!

For those who do not listen to the 'Today' programme on Radio 4, this
is English humour at its best.
Right at the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about
the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games, the cheapest
price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon.
An older chap being interviewed said he could recall many years ago
arriving at the turnstiles (it was probably Southampton): "That
will be £10 mate".
"What?!" the old chap said "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way with a
brass band and a meat pie in the interval, you wouldn't!"

Even John Humphries had a giggle.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 06, 2015, 07:37:29 AM

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his
badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child
screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we
won't be long". Another outburst and she hears the grandfather calmly say,

"It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there”.

At the checkout the little horror is throwing items out of the cart.
Grandfather says again in a controlled voice,

"William, relax buddy, don't get upset.
We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William."

Very impressed, the woman goes outside to where the grandfather is loading
his groceries and the boy into the car.

She says, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know
how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter
how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying that things
would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandfather."

"Thanks," says the grandfather, "but I am William,
this little monster's name is Timmy".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 07, 2015, 07:05:24 PM

Not really a joke, but worth a read ......

SON: "Daddy, may I ask you a question?"
DAD: "Yeah sure, what is it?"
SON: "Daddy, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "That's none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?"
SON: "I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?"
DAD: "If you must know, I make $100 an hour."
SON: "Oh! (With his head down).
SON: "Daddy, may I please borrow $50?"
The father was furious.
DAD: "If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behaviour."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy's questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door.

DAD: "Are you asleep, son?"

SON: "No daddy, I'm awake".
DAD: "I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It's been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here's the $50 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.
SON: "Oh, thank you daddy!"
Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: "Why do you want more money if you already have some?"

SON: "Because I didn't have enough, but now I do.

"Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you."
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness. It's just a short reminder to all of you working so hard in life. We should not let time slip through our fingers without having spent some time with those who really matter to us, those close to our hearts. Do remember to share that $100 worth of your time with someone you love? If we die tomorrow, the company that we are working for could easily replace us in a matter of days. But the family and friends we leave behind will feel the loss for the rest of their lives. And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more into work than to our family.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 12, 2015, 10:06:32 AM

The Squeezer
The local bar was so sure thats its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried ..... overtime: weightlifters, dockers, etc, but nobody could do it.
One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet"
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "Ok". grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence ..... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The little fellow quietly replied, "I work for the Inland Revenue"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on May 15, 2015, 07:02:36 AM

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"

"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

"Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 16, 2015, 04:48:54 PM

Nearly screwed a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward in it?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"

The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says 'Yes, they don't x about at the crematorium.'

A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'

The best for last:

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 02, 2015, 02:55:54 AM

Guts or Balls, a lesson to be learned

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 02, 2015, 08:11:04 AM

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.

The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on June 12, 2015, 10:13:52 AM

Anybody need their pool filled?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on June 13, 2015, 07:10:36 AM

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
---------- especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on June 13, 2015, 07:16:45 AM

So after landing my new job as a Tesco greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco .”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: DeputyDavid on June 13, 2015, 09:18:00 AM

Indeed...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Somnat on July 01, 2015, 06:33:24 PM

Muslim Book Store

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore."

I was wondering what exactly was in a "Muslim Bookstore" so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the shop assistant stopped me and asked if
he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.

I asked for a copy of the Australian Government Immigration Policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, "x off, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 13, 2015, 01:20:11 AM

> A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"
>
> With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
>
> On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
>
> With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table.
>
> The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here... with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"
>
> The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be."
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 17, 2015, 05:08:02 PM

Ah so!

Australian, Canadian, UK and US men over 50, will, on average,
have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men,
in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per
year.

This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no
idea they were Japanese.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 22, 2015, 07:46:47 PM

>>> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
>>>
>>> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
>>>
>>> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
>>>
>>> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
>>>
>>> "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
>>>
>>> " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
>>>
>>> "You're with the
>>> "GOVERNMENT"
>>>
>>> This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
>>>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 03, 2015, 09:13:17 PM

A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of
chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 04, 2015, 04:08:06 PM

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for
his first pint
…

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I had to drink it.
Then I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's -- nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized me lad just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back Home.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 05, 2015, 01:08:25 AM

unfaithful ?? not really !

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me??"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.

Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 05, 2015, 10:51:48 PM

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect. !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Jackie-boy on August 06, 2015, 10:57:56 AM

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."

So they went back to her place and got comfortable.

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay chuck."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet." :)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 19, 2015, 04:10:18 PM

The Satnav - by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 26, 2015, 10:29:23 PM

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 03, 2015, 11:12:20 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and working in
the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share
his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just
a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days
later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 04, 2015, 07:22:43 AM

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat homely chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,

"You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"

I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"

She said "Yea", I got a pen".

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

Cost me 6 stitches.

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 04, 2015, 09:19:40 PM

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be there to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property? .... The asshole had a paper route!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 04, 2015, 10:02:23 PM

Wow, who would have thought that these guys knew Paul?

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re
joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture...”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English - they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 05, 2015, 11:05:06 PM

This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum.

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on September 11, 2015, 07:50:34 AM

:D

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
John Cleese,
British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on October 13, 2015, 03:33:22 PM

This might be useful information.
>
> There is a medical distinction between the masculine terms; "Guts" and
> "Balls". We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with
> "Balls". Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here's the
> official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323;
> page 295.
>
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by
> your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still
> cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
>
>
> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
> perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
> having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
>
>
> I trust this clears up any confusion.
>
> Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on October 13, 2015, 06:18:21 PM

Quote from: urleft on September 05, 2015, 11:05:06 PM

This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum.

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Sums it up nicely doesn't it urleft, you are cleverer than all the Brits. Yet it is you who keeps poking at us, I notice. WTF!?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 13, 2015, 10:08:24 PM

Quote from: Adam on October 13, 2015, 06:18:21 PM

Quote from: urleft on September 05, 2015, 11:05:06 PM
This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum.

There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Sums it up nicely doesn't it urleft, you are cleverer than all the Brits. Yet it is you who keeps poking at us, I notice. WTF!?

Adam, It is all perspective. I am poking back, not first.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on October 14, 2015, 03:20:30 PM

One day a young paratrooper came to visit his father after he had completed training to become a paratrooper and began discussing his training.
The young man told his father that training began with us jumping off platforms, each day they got higher and higher until the day came that we got to jump out of a real airplane.
The drill sergeant asked for volunteers to go first.
The father asked, "Did you volunteer to go?" The young man said "Oh no, I was too scared" Then the father said " what did the drill sergeant do with the people that didn't jump out"
"Well" the young man said "the drill sergeant told us that if we didn't jump out he was going to throw us out”
The father asked "did he throw you out?"
The young man said "Oh no, I held on to the side of that door for dear life I wouldn't let him throw me out for nothing."
Then the father asked, "well, then what did the drill sergeant do?" He replied, " The drill sergeant told me that if I didn't jump out he was going to shove his dick up my ass"
His dad asked, "Well did you jump?"
The young man replied "Well YEAH, a little at first."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 04, 2015, 04:01:24 PM

*All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.*

*
**Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.*

*
**Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.*
*
**The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.*
*
**After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.*

*Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.*

*Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.*
*
**It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.*
*
**Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.*
*
**Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.*
*
**Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.*
*
*This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
*

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on November 07, 2015, 08:05:28 AM

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.
"Where are you?" she moaned.
"I'm at the pub." I replied.
She said, "I think the baby's coming!"
I said, "She won't get in,... she's under-age."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 08, 2015, 09:51:16 AM

Butch the Rooster
>
> Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young
pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
>
>
>
> She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
was
replaced.
>
>
>
> This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them
to
her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a
distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this
morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to
investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for
cover.
>
>
>
> To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
>
> Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became
an
overnight sensation among the judges.
>
>
>
>
>
> The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace
Prize"
they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
>
> Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician
could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention?
>
> Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 10, 2015, 11:34:21 AM

From now on, I believe in the Prophet Muhammed.......................

I decided to go to the local mosque for the first time to see what it
was all about:

I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and
said:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk ; today."

I told him I wasn't paralyzed, I only had a small bunion on my left
foot.

He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly
repeated his mantra:

"By the will of Allah and the prophet Muhammed - you will walk today."

Once again, I told him there was nothing wrong with me.

After prayers I stepped outside --- and f*** me ----

SOME BASTARD HAD STOLEN MY CAR !!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 10, 2015, 11:35:26 AM

Important news on UK pensions
Fantastic news concerning pensions
and Benefits in the UK

نور اگر رفت سايه پيدا نيست نقشديوار و چشم
خيره
ما نقش سايه دگر نمي دان نور اگررفت سايه. ر رفت نور اگر رفت سايهپيدا نيست نقش ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه. ر رفت ديوار و چشم خيره مانقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفتسايه پيدانيست نقش ديوار و چشمخيره ماسايه
ديوار و چشم خيره ما نقش سايه دگرنمي دان نور اگر رفت سايهپيدانيستنقش ديوار و چشم خيره ماپيدا
ني ست نقش

If I hear anything else, I'll let you know.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 16, 2015, 08:42:18 PM

SCHOOL MATES

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND

THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?

WELL THEN......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS WENDY MULLEN AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR

MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL

DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH

THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD

YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK

THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR

TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I

ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT, BASTARD ASKED.

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 18, 2015, 10:17:09 AM

>>
>> I got no respect from my old man. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He says, "Run off a cliff."
>>
>> I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
>>
>> My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
>>
>> It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
>>
>> Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only problem was that she was coming home.
>>
>> A girl phones me and says, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
>>
>> A hooker once told me she had a headache.
>>
>> If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
>>
>> I was making love to this girl and she starts crying. I say, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She says, 'No, I hate myself now.'
>>
>> I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
>>
>> My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
>>
>> I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
>>
>> The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
>>
>> My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
>>
>> I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
>>
>> My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
>>
>> My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
>>
>> My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
>>
>> It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.
>> I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
>>
>> I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
>>
>> I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
>>
>> I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
>>
>> I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
>>
>> I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
>>
>> Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
>>
>> My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
>>
>> I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
>>
>> I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing, your eyesight is perfect."
>>
>> I went to the doctor because I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
>> My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
>>
>> One year they wanted to make me a poster boy -- for birth control.
>>
>> My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.
>>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 29, 2015, 10:36:10 AM

The Old Rancher
The banker saw his old friend, Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.
Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant, too."

Don't underestimate old guys...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 02, 2015, 03:04:40 PM

A Wee Scottish Tale.

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

A Gamekeeper shouts,

'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's sheet an pish!'

The man replies,

'My Good fellow, I'm from England . Could you repeat that in English for me.'

The keeper replies,

'I said, use two hands - you spill less that way!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2015, 10:26:15 AM

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A KING WHO WANTED TO GO FISHING. _
> >
> >_HE CALLED THE ROYAL WEATHER FORECASTER AND INQUIRED AS TO THE
> WEATHER
>
> >FORECAST FOR THE NEXT FEW HOURS. THE WEATHERMAN ASSURED HIM THAT
> THERE
>
> >WAS NO CHANCE OF RAIN IN THE COMING DAYS. _
>
> >
>
> >_SO THE KING WENT FISHING WITH HIS WIFE, THE QUEEN. ON THE WAY HE
>
> >MET A FARMER ON HIS DONKEY. UPON SEEING THE KING THE FARMER SAID,
>
> >"YOUR MAJESTY, YOU SHOULD RETURN TO THE PALACE AT ONCE BECAUSE IN
> JUST
>
> >A SHORT TIME I EXPECT A HUGE AMOUNT OF RAIN TO FALL IN THIS AREA". !
> _
>
> >
>
> >_THE KING WAS POLITE AND CONSIDERATE, HE REPLIED: "I HOLD THE PALACE
>
> >METEOROLOGIST IN HIGH REGARD. HE IS AN EXTENSIVELY EDUCATED AND
>
> >EXPERIENCED PROFESSIONAL. AND BESIDES, I PAY HIM VERY HIGH WAGES. HE
>
> >GAVE ME A VERY DIFFERENT FORECAST. I TRUST HIM AND I WILL CONTINUE ON
>
> >MY WAY." SO HE CONTINUED ON HIS WAY. _
>
> >
>
> >_HOWEVER, A SHORT TIME LATER A TORRENTIAL RAIN FELL FROM THE SKY.
>
> >THE KING AND QUEEN WERE TOTALLY SOAKED AND THEIR ENTOURAGE CHUCKLED
>
> >UPON SEEING THEM IN SUCH A SHAMEFUL CONDITION. _
>
> >
>
> >_FURIOUS, THE KING RETURNED TO THE PALACE AND GAVE THE ORDER TO FIRE
>
> >THE PROFESSIONAL. THEN HE SUMMONED THE FARMER AND OFFERED HIM THE
>
> >PRESTIGIOUS AND HIGH PAYING ROLE OF ROYAL FORECASTER._
>
> >
>
> >_THE FARMER SAID, "YOUR MAJESTY, I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
>
> >FORECASTING. I OBTAIN MY INFORMATION FROM MY DONKEY. IF I SEE MY
>
> >DONKEY'S EARS DROOPING, IT MEANS WITH CERTAINTY THAT IT WILL RAIN." _
>
> >
>
> >_SO THE KING HIRED THE DONKEY. _
>
> >
>
> >_AND THUS BEGAN THE PRACTICE OF HIRING DUMB ASSES TO WORK IN THE
>
> >GOVERNMENT AND OCCUPY ITS HIGHEST AND MOST INFLUENTIAL POSITIONS. _
>
> >
>
> >_AND THE PRACTICE IS UNBROKEN TO THIS DATE..._
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2015, 10:27:01 AM

At halftime during the football game, the team coach called one of his 9-year-old football

players aside and asked, "Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, coach", replied the little boy.

"Do you understand that what matters is, whether we win or lose, we win or lose together,

as a team?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when a foul is whistled for, you shouldn't

argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him an asshole. Do you understand all that?"

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance

to play, it's not a dumb ass decision or that the coach is a shithead, is it?"

"No, sir."

"Good", replied the coach. "Now please go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2015, 10:27:53 AM

Subject: FW: Before You put your camel to bed

Jiggs McDonald, NHL Hall of Fame broadcaster speaking in Ontario, said:

"I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against another mosque being built in Toronto. I think it should be the goal of every Canadian to be tolerant regardless of their religious beliefs. Thus the mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance."

That is why I also propose that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque; thereby promoting tolerance from within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs, which would be gay, 'The Turban Cowboy,' and the other, a topless bar, would be called 'You Mecca Me Hot.'

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork, and adjacent to that an open-pit barbecue pork restaurant, called 'Iraq of Ribs.'

Across the street there could be a lingerie store called 'Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret,' with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods, and on the other side a liquor store called 'Morehammered.'

All of this would encourage Muslims to demonstrate the tolerance they demand of us.”

Yes we should promote tolerance, and you can do your part by passing this on. And if you are not laughing or smiling at this point... It is either past your bedtime, or its midnight at the oasis and time to put your camel to bed.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 08, 2015, 10:31:32 AM

Worrying about stuff...
>
>>>>>
>>>>> As I was coming home and worrying about all the stuff going on in my life, my family’s lives, my friends’ lives,
>>>>> and what’s happening in Paris,
>>>>> Washington, Moscow, Ukraine, the Middle East, Hillary Clinton, Jeb, Trump, Fox News, CNN, the downgrading of our military, the terrorists infiltrating our border,
>>>>> the illegals, the refugees, and how our country is rapidly losing its sanity and its Christianity, I saw a yard sign that
>>>>> said:
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> NEED HELP?
>>>>>
>>>>> CALL JESUS
>>>>>
>>>>> 1-800-555-3787
>>>>>
>>>>> Out of curiosity and desperation,
>>>>> I called the number.
>>>>> A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower.
>>>>>
>>>>>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 09, 2015, 10:26:17 AM

The Villages Dating Ads
Dating Ads for Seniors found in a Florida Newspaper .

You can say what you want about Florida, but you never hear of
anyone retiring and moving north. These are actual ads seen in
''The Villages'' Florida newspaper.
(Who says seniors don't have
a sense of humor?)

FOXY LADY :
Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4' (used to be 5'6'),
Searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
----------------------------------------------------

LONG-TERM COMMITMENT
:
Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband,
Looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness,
fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.
----------------------------------------------------

SERENITY NOW
:
I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and
meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.
----------------------------------------------------

WINNING SMILE
:
Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser
to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.
----------------------------------------------------

BEATLES OR STONES
?
I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on
Saturday nights and still like to play the guitar.
If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my eight-track tapes.
----------------------------------------------------

MEMORIES
:
I can usually remember Monday through Thursday.
If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.
----------------------------------------------------
My favorite

MINT CONDITION :
Male, 1932 model, high mileage, good condition, some hair,
many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves.
Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 14, 2015, 10:32:26 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2015, 11:21:44 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2015, 06:10:53 PM

A gynecologist becomes so fed up to the backteeth with malpractice insurance and all the rest, he embarks on a career change, where his already skilful hands could still be of use. He goes to the local technical college, and takes evening classes to become a mechanic. When the time of the practical exam approaches, the gynecologist prepares carefully for weeks, and completes the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he is surprised to find that he has obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he calls the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"
"No, the instructor says, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor adds, "I gave you an extra 50% because, before this, I've never seen it all done through the exhaust pipe."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: rufusredtail on December 18, 2015, 01:31:10 PM

TIME TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT FORGETFULNESS.. WHAT DAY DID YOU SAY IT WAS?
This explains it!

Brains of older people are slow because they know so much . People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe .

Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so, too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.

Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline . The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time.
The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more .

Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it is nature's way of making older people do more exercise .

I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names . So, please forward this to your friends; they may be my friends, too .

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 20, 2015, 10:41:55 AM

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan,
several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now
seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said......... " LAND MINES " !

Moral of the story
... BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 31, 2015, 02:36:56 PM

It's a Barka!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 03, 2016, 10:51:31 AM

Who said that the health care in UK was not up to par?

A Muslim immigrant in London goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."

The doctor examines him and then says:

"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapours for three days."

The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says, "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"

The doctor replied......

"You were homesick."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 08, 2016, 09:52:25 AM

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols .... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy on everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 20102
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name .....

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange. No gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

SO REMEMBER: NO EXCHANGE OF GIFTS WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director1
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that on December 20th the holy month of Ramadan begins, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off serving your meals until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed. Apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food .
The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,
The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 18, 2016, 04:12:27 PM

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone..
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed..
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much ?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening....
But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...." ?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 19, 2016, 07:37:50 PM

WHOREHOUSE SUES LOCAL CHURCH OVER LIGHTNING STRIKE!
What an interesting turn of events in Pahrump, Nevada....
Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground! After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bullshit."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on January 31, 2016, 08:21:49 AM

So true now in the UK

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 13, 2016, 08:19:31 PM

*Watery eyes after sex*

Two black guys were in a bar talking, and one says to the other, "You ever
notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose
burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The first one asked, "Why is that?"

The second says, "I'm pretty sure it's the pepper spray."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 15, 2016, 07:28:30 AM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Woolf,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Woolf, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted in management getting involved causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of chips.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!" One of the Staff passed out.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 18, 2016, 08:16:19 AM

SO TRUE !

Conundrum

Free people are not equal. Equal people are not free. (Think this one over and over…makes sense!)

"A gun is like a parachute. If you need one, and don't have one, you'll probably never need one again."

The definition of the word Conundrum is: something that is puzzling or confusing.

Here are six Conundrums of socialism in the United States of America:

1. America is capitalist and greedy - yet half of the population is subsidized.

2. Half of the population is subsidized - yet they think they are victims.

3. They think they are victims - yet their representatives run the government.

4. Their representatives run the government - yet the poor keep getting poorer.

5. The poor keep getting poorer - yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.

6. They have things that people in other countries only dream about - yet they want America to be more like those other countries.

Think about it! And that, my friends, pretty much sums up the USA in the 21st Century. Makes you wonder who is doing the math.

These three, short sentences tell you a lot about the direction of our current government and cultural environment:

1. We are advised to NOT judge ALL Muslims by the actions of a few lunatics, but we are encouraged to judge ALL gun owners by the actions of a few lunatics.

Funny how that works. And here's another one worth considering…

2. Seems we constantly hear about how Social Security is going to run out of money. But we never hear about welfare or food stamps running out of money! What's interesting is the first group "worked for" their money, but the second didn't.

Think about it.....and Last but not least:

3. Why are we cutting benefits for our veterans, no pay raises for our military and cutting our army to a level lower than before WWII, but we are not stopping the payments or benefits to illegal aliens, OR our elected officials (who by the way, only represent themselves).

"If you do not take an interest in the affairs of your government, then you are doomed to live under the rule of fools." – Plato

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 22, 2016, 01:34:25 PM

WALK NAKED IN AUSTRALIA DAY

IS ON AGAIN.

Don't forget to mark your calendars.

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide.

So next Saturday at 1 p.m. all Aussie women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their‚ houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism.

The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless AUSTRALIA. !!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 23, 2016, 08:38:20 PM

Bathtub Test

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in a Nursing Home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 23, 2016, 08:41:29 PM

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida

decided to take one of the jobs that
most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan
and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said,

"I have to ask you, Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Obama."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 27, 2016, 10:05:54 AM

Long but worth the read!

Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'Go Lightly,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss Go Lightly in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the Go Lightly. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because Go Lightly tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for Go Lightly, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
Go Lightly is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the Go Lightly experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of Go Lightly, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of Go Lightly spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their Go Lightly.
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me...
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. Take it easy Doc. You’re boldly going where no man has gone before.
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 27, 2016, 10:15:48 AM

EITHER YOUR GRANDPARENTS OR GRANDPARENTS WERE LIVING DURING THIS TIME PERIOD.
>
>
>
> THE YEAR IS 1915
>
>
>
> This will boggle your mind!
>
>
>
> The year is 1915 “One hundred years ago”. What a difference a century makes!
>
>
> Here are some statistics for the Year 1915:
>
>
> The average life expectancy for men was 47 years.
>

>
> Fuel for cars was sold in chemists only.
>
>
> Only 14 percent of the homes had a bath.
>
> Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.

>
> The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
>
>
> The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
>
>
> The average British wage in 1915 was £15 per year!
>

>
> A competent accountant could expect to earn £800 per year.
>
>>
>
> A dentist £900 per year.
>>
> A vet between £600 and £900 per year.
>
>
> And, a mechanical engineer about £2000 per year.

> More than 95 percent of all births took place at home

> Ninety percent of all Doctors had no university education!
>
>
> Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."
>>
> Sugar cost two pence a pound.

>
> Eggs were 10 pence a dozen.
>
>>
> Coffee was five pence a pound.
>

>
> Most women only washed their hair once a month, and, used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
>
>
> Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from entering into their country for any reason.
>
>
> The Five leading causes of death were:

> 1. Pneumonia and influenza
>
>
> 2. Tuberculosis
>
> 3. Diarrhoea
>
>
> 4. Heart disease
>
> 5. Stroke
>
>
> The American flag had 45 stars.
>
>
>
> The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was only 30.
>

>
> Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented yet.
>
>
> There was neither a Mother's Day nor a Father's Day.
>

>
> Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write and, only 6 percent of all British pupils went to universty.
>

> Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at local corner chemists.
>
>
>
> Back then chemists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach, bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health!" (Shocking?)
>
>

>
> Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help...
>
>
>
> There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE U.S.A.! In 2014 this figure had risen to 14,249.
>
>
> In the UK the murder rate in 1915 was 1420. In 2015 it was 537. (Perhaps we are doing something right!)
>

>
> I am now going to forward this to someone else without typing it myself.
>
>
> From there, it will be sent to others all over the WORLD all in a matter of seconds!
>
>
>
> Can you imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.
>

>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 23, 2016, 01:41:59 PM

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute Mexican refugee Outside an Arizona immigration office.

"Good man," the fairy said, "I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children."

The man told the fairy, "Well, where I come from we don't have the good
Teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them."
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and
-- PING!—he Had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy, "Two more to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
"I need a big house with a three Car garage in Phoenix on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country.. I want to bring them all over here"
--- and -- PING!-- in the distance there could Be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the water.

"One more wish", said the fairy, waving her wand.
"Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American Clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of This sombrero. And I want to have white skin like Americans"
---and --- PING! -- The man was transformed - wearing worn out jeans, a Diamond-Backs T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" He wailed, "Where is my new house?"

THIS IS GOOD . . . . . . . .NO, ACTUALLY THIS IS VERY GOOD . . .. . . .

The fairy said: "Tough s#@t, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 25, 2016, 10:16:19 AM

Fred and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Fred didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Fred hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Fred lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Fred, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Fred!
Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, “For crying out loud Fred, what in the world happened to you?”
Fred replied, “I have been in jail.”
“Jail!” cried Bob. “What in the world for?”
“Well,” Fred said, “you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”
“Yeah,” said Bob, “I remember her. What about her?”
“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.”
“The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on March 27, 2016, 07:52:00 PM

Must tell you about golf last Thursday.

I'd seen the news about the bombings in Brussels and the blokes wearing a single glove on their left hand.

Bugger me looking around as we waited to tee off - everyone had one glove - and on their left hand.......... spooky or what?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 11, 2016, 10:12:14 AM

King of Beers

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Senior, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle

from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies

"Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 19, 2016, 06:41:33 PM

Every time I read this quote it makes one think that the brain only learned a little over thousands of years and here we are again… same old repeat and repeat....how very sad.
BEST QUOTE OF ANY ERA!

“The Budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed, lest Rome will become bankrupt. People must again learn to work instead of living on public assistance." - Cicero , 55 BC

So, evidently we've learned NOTHING over the past 2,069 years.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 19, 2016, 07:56:04 PM

Some Timeless Thoughts on Sex:

"SEX, the position ridiculous, the pleasure fleeting, the expense damnable."
-Philip Stanhope, 4th Earl of Chesterfield

"THE KISS: a wordless articulation of desire, whose object lies in the future ...and due south."
-Magellan

"Sex is like air. It's not important ...unless you ain't getting any."
-Jack Carter

"I'd like to think outside your box."
-Copernicus to his wife

"Bisexuality: Immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
-Rodney Dangerfield

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight don't matter."
-William Miller

The first silicone valley submissions:
"Why women STILL use Internet Explorer? They like it nice and slow."
"Men are like Bluetooth. When they're close, they're connected. When they move further away, they start looking for new equipment."
"Programming is like sex; one mistake and you have to pay support for a lifetime."

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But a man can fake an entire fu*king relationship."
-Sharon Stone

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
-Jack Nicholson

"The true Don Juan needs to learn to dress not only tastefully …but very quickly."
-Jonathan Winters

"Clinton obviously lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it was."
-Barbara Bush (Former First Lady)

"Why do men suddenly become smarter during sex? Because they're plugged into genius."
-Charlize Theron

"Silence doesn't necessarily mean your sexual performance left her speechless (asshole)!".
-Cameron Diaz

"Ah, yes, Divorce: from the Latin, meaning 'to rip a man's genitals, out through his wallet'."
-Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
-Billy Crystal

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to play golf with a rope."
-Bob Hope

"Just remember, I run faster horny, than you do scared."
-Robin Williams

"Love is like a troublesome machine. Sometimes to fix it, you need a really good screw."
-David Brenner

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.
They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
-Robert De Niro

"What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber, you dirty-minded bastard."
-John Candy

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for FREE is that sex for money costs a helluva lot less."
-Sid Caesar

"How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He has a pulse."
-Gloria Vanderbilt

"Woman's favorite new position: CEO"
-Gloria Steinem

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a damn good hand."
-Jonathan Winters

"Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people can get laid."
-Robin Williams

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling.
Sooo, what exactly's the problem here?"
-Dustin Hoffman

"Then there was the guy who died of a Viagra overdose. The service went fine, half the women in town showed up, but they couldn't close the casket."
-Hugh Heffner

Why there's very little advice in men's magazines? Because men think: 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!’
-Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough red blood cells, to run one at a time."
-Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
-Joan Rivers (whose lover told her to 'turn off the lights' …so she shut the car door.)

"Sex: one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
-Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a LOT of stuff in grade school until you get much older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman
…stuff you pay good money for later in life."
-Elmo Phillips

"Sex on an elevator is wrong on SO many levels!"
-The New Yorker

"Why did God create the orgasm? So women can moan ...even when they're happy."
-Ed McMahon

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
-Oscar Wilde

"My wife told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. So I went out and got shitfaced drunk."
-Henny Youngman, Geraldine uncensored

"Ah, yes, the Statue of Liberty. The last time I was inside a woman."
-Phil Hartman

"3 people having sex is a threesome, 2 is a twosome. So next time a girl calls you handsome,
you might want to think twice about taking it as a compliment!"
-John Tipton

"What do you have when you have two balls in your hand? You finally have a man's undivided attention!"
-Marlene Dietrich

"The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette."
-Sagittarian reflections

"For my next trick I'll need a condom and a volunteer."
-Johnny Carson

"Don't judge women by kilos, lest ye be judged by centimeters."
-Pythagoras

"Jewish foreplay: An hour of begging."
-Woody Allen

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
-George Burns

"Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer."
-Professor Emeritus

"Virginity is like a soapbubble. One prick and it's gone forever."
-Gilda Radner

"Nevada city regulation forced the cat house to suspend operations on Sundays. So they put a sign out: "Beat it, we're closed."

"A new amendment before Congress finally makes it illegal for lawyers to have sex with their clients.
The simple logic? One shouldn't be billed twice for the same service."

"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
-Plato

"The iron rule of a true leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will always be the first."

"The three words women HATE to hear during sex:
"Honey, I'm home!""
-Betty White

"What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married."
-Henny Youngman

"Miracle Whip: named after a 90 year old founder ...who could still successfully masturbate."

Ford Fairlane's standard pickup line:
"Screw me if I'm wrong, but haven't we met before?"

"The gift of 72 virgins? Proof of HELL, not Heaven."
-Pila

"Sex without love is a totally meaningless experience...
BUT, as far as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damn good."
-Bernie Mac

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the Bentley Continental GT."
-Sandala

=

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 28, 2016, 08:42:30 PM

Sometimes people come up with some great ANSWERS! (or questions)

...Great Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this!
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster
and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military Headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The broadcast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
God, I would pay money to have seen her face.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 28, 2016, 08:50:33 PM

Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using my secret private server with classified material to Hide my Activities?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything Else?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, Hiring Cronies, And taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the drones being operated in our own country without The Benefit of the law?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving 123 Technologies $300 Million, and right afterward it Declared Bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Whitewater, Watergate committee, Vince Foster, commodity Deals?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The IRS targeting conservatives?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning Libya into chaos?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Trashing Mubarak, one of our few Muslim friends?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Turning our backs on Israel?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "The joke Iran Nuke deal?"
Trump: "No the other one:"

Hillary: "Leaving Iraq in chaos?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The DOJ spying on the press?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance Executives?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months Later they declared bankruptcy and then the Chinese bought it?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The NSA monitoring citizens'?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Threats to all of Bill's former mistresses to keep them quiet"
Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "I give up! ... Oh wait, I think I've got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office? I almost forgot about that one".
Trump: "THAT'S IT! THAT'S THE ONE!"
**********
Everything above is true. Yet she still gets the Democratic votes.
Does anyone understand this??? I think we're doomed!!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: pablo on April 29, 2016, 08:58:24 AM

^^^^^

Oh c'mon man!

It's just those vast right wing conspiricies.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 29, 2016, 12:28:21 PM

Good joke 'bout old golfers!!!

A couple of old guys were golfing when one mentioned that he was going to go to Dr. Steinberg for a new set of dentures the next morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.

"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did he do a good job?
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when a guy on the next fairway hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 180 mph when it slammed me right in the testicles.
The first old guy was confused and asked, "What the hell does that have to do with your dentures?
"It was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 29, 2016, 12:28:58 PM

Subject: Senior trying to re-set password...

Variation on a theme…
> WINDOWS : Please enter your new password.
> USER : cabbage
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
> USER: boiled cabbage

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
> USER : 1 boiled cabbage
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
> USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
> USER : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than
> one upper case character consecutively.

> USER : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!

> WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain
> punctuation.

> USER :
> ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

> WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2016, 01:04:50 PM

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was
concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother
told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to
hug her mother, saying,

'Oh mum! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2016, 01:08:33 PM

TUESDAY
A man went to church one day and afterward
he stopped to shake the preacher's hand.
He said, 'Vicar, I'll tell you, that was a
damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The Vicar said,
'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The Vicar said, 'No shit?'

=============================================================================

WEDNESDAY
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mum,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

==============================================================================

THURSDAY
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defence.
'Your Honour,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

=============================================================================================================

FRIDAY
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germ s in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'

=========================================================================================

SATURDAY
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.' So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'

'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 95.'

=======================================================================================

SUNDAY
A group of Britons were travelling by tour bus through Holland .
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through
the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used.
She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.'
She then asked, 'What do you do in England with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 23, 2016, 11:21:49 AM

An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats at a concert.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.

Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Ray," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Ray?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Ray replied; "The balcony"......

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 30, 2016, 09:50:04 PM

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY BY PAM AYRES
The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;...
T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread.
In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
"I am a dominator!!"
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My God what had I done!
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one!!"
Well readers, I can tell no more;
Of what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 08, 2016, 11:09:36 PM

Like Adam and Eve!

A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of
their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at
our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be
a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in
peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied," I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from
God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished, but my bottle of 75 year old scotch didn't break.

Surely God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our
good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opened it, drank half the bottle and
then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put
the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

She replies, "Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Adam ate the apple, too!

Men will never learn!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 10, 2016, 02:55:28 PM

THE DAY THE PENIS ASKED FOR A RAISE
I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,
P. Niss

The Response

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
YOU DO NOT STAY IN YOUR DESIGNATED AREA AND ARE OFTEN SEEN VISITING OTHER LOCATIONS.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the Correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task..
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,
V. Gina

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on June 11, 2016, 12:20:49 AM

During his golfing vacation at Martha's Vineyard - President Obama had been slicing off the tee on every hole.

He asks his Scottish born caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his poor tee shots, to which the caddy replies:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver."

The President picks up his driver and cleans the club face, at which point the caddy says:

"No, the other end."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 17, 2016, 12:17:36 AM

This is the actual message you get when you phone the Australian
Social services/benefit office:

Fantastic....

“Good morning, welcome to Centrelink, the Australian Social Services and Benefits Office”
"Press '1' if you speak English"
''Press '2' to disconnect until you can.
Have a nice day"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on June 19, 2016, 08:58:19 AM

A Thailand misunderstanding
A Thai mother-in-law walks into her daughter's new house in the village (funded by the son-in-law of course) and finds her western son-in-law furious and packing his suitcase.
"What happen?" she asked.
David: "What happened? - I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to Noi saying that I was coming home from England today. I got here and guess what I found?.......
My wife, yes your daughter, in our bed with a local Thai guy!
This is the end of our marriage and I am leaving Thailand forever!"
"Relax, relax!" says mother-in-law, "Mistake, sure! Something not right about this story.
Noi never do something so stupid! Wait... I check to see what really happen."
Moments later she comes back with a big smile.
"See, I tell you there must be simple explanation.......
Noi not get your email !!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on June 22, 2016, 10:33:48 AM

Nookies New Chinese Menu.

MEAT DISHES
1. Bol Oxs..................Hot Meat Balls
2. Sur Kum Sihz.............Sausage Slices
3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers
4. Dik Sor..................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder
5. Eja Kul Lait.............Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce
6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage
7. Long Dik.................Coq in van
8. Yu Nux...................Meatball extract
9. Veri Ti Rin..............Massive extrusion of forcemeat

VEGETABLES
10. Wan Kin..................Bamboo shoots
11. Pei Sof..................Chinese leaves
12. Wot Kung Fu Dat..........Tossed salad
13. Sik In Lu................Sweet and sour hot sauce
14. Pu Bik...................Young sprouts
15. Du Reks..................Entre Coat
16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings
17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread

SAUCES
18. Pei Sol..................Cantonese drippings
19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce
20. Yu Kum...................Hot custard
21. Tor Soff.................Hand-made thick white sauce
22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts
23. Fan Tom Ar Sol...........Invisible brown sauce without nuts

SPECIALITIES
24. Lik Mein.................Plate of the day
25. Fug Yu...................Chinese toast
26. Munth Lei................Popular dish of the period
27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes
28. Doggi Bag................Chinese take away
29. Ho Mo....................Sausage surprise
30. Bo Gee...................Pick of the week

DESSERTS
31. Vee Dee..................Spotted Dick
32. Kum In Yu................Cream Squirt
33. Yu Pong..................Crap suzette
34. Kum Lots.................Extra portion of cream
35. Ars Pik..................Chocolate fingers
36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread
37. Or Jee...................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins
38. Es Kie Mo Kum............Frosted banana cream
39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.......Crushed Nuts
40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts
41. Tu Brik Smak.............Puree of nuts
42. Di Rere..................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce
43. Hu Pong..................Chinese snifters
44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice

BEVERAGES
45. Yu Rine..................Jasmine Tea
46. Wob Li Tit...............Milk Shak

(http://images.zaazu.com/img/China-China-noodles-United-Nations-smiley-emoticon-001260-facebook.gif)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on July 01, 2016, 06:40:47 PM

Oh The Brexit Irony

95% Of British Expats Sent Home from Thailand For Failing the New Foreign Language Tests

(https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ38ohSNLO4Ao8f-QdBHaEt1I8YNRJDDXzbonubcxP_I4ESRKv4)

The biggest movement of migrants since the Second World War began today, as countries across the world demanded UK expats had to speak the language of their chosen country, or they had to leave…and most failed.

Foreign officials have said the test wasn’t even that rigorous. You only had to know how to say “Two Beers” “Please” “No” “Yes” and “Do you have real brown sauce?” but almost one hundred per cent flunked it.

A Foreign Office Spokesman said: “We don’t know how to cope with the influx, even some Brits in Australia failed the test, as they didn’t add “mate” to the end of the brown sauce question.”

Steve Tate, 65, who was packing up his belongings in Buriram said: “I was just about to learn the Thai for ‘two beers” but I just couldn't find the time, I’ve only been here eight years. I did integrate though, I went to the Paddys Irish Bar, with Stevie, Gaz and Larry everyday. I remember that day we ate Noodle Soup at one of the local Noodle Stands , it was rank though, never again. To be honest if it wasn't for Jimmy's Sport's Cafe and his decent Egg,Chips and beans I would have gone home years ago .”

Dav Predegast, 55, who lives in Prakhonchai , was seething after being told she had to leave, telling local Thai Immigration Officials, “I didn’t want to learn Thai anyway.”

biggrin1

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on July 01, 2016, 07:02:56 PM

The other day I needed to pay a visit to the public toliet, so I found a public toilet that had two cubicles.

One of the doors was locked. So I went into the other one, closed the door, dropped my trousers and sat down.

A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you doing?'

Although I thought that it was a bit strange, I didn't want to be rude, so I replied 'Not too bad thanks.'

After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to?'

Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly, 'Just having a quick shit... How about yourself?'

The next thing I heard him say was "sorry mate, I'll have to call you back. I've got some twat in the cubicle next to me answering everything I say.'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 02, 2016, 03:23:16 AM

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while
the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting
off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: wombatballs on July 06, 2016, 09:29:07 PM

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.
After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand.

Hillary asks him what his name is.
"Kenneth” he says.
"And what is your question, Kenneth?

"I have three questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
And Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says, "Okay where were we?
Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different boy, little Johnny, puts his hand up; Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny” he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?

" I have five questions:
First - Whatever happened in Benghazi?
Second - Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
Third - Whatever happened to the missing 6 billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
Fourth - Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And, Fifth - Where's Kenneth?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on July 13, 2016, 10:54:03 AM

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?" "OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic.But let me ask you a question first." "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?" "Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea." "Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: iammike on July 13, 2016, 04:13:50 PM

THE GLOBAL RECESSION

The recession has hit everybody really hard.

CEOs are now playing miniature golf.

The Guptas laid off 25 Parliamentarians.

I met a Mormon with only one wife.

If the bank returns your cheque marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

MacDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.

Parents in Sandton fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of South Africans was caught sneaking into Zimbabwe.

A picture is now only worth 200 words.

When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.

The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

I lay awake last night, depressed about the economy, Brexit, wars, jobs, my savings, retirement funds, etc. I called the suicide hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: tommynew on July 13, 2016, 04:17:27 PM

good one mike

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 22, 2016, 01:40:46 AM

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom ."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 23, 2016, 06:24:13 PM

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
>
> 2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
>
> 3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably very unhappy.
>
> 4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.
>
> 5. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
>
> 6. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
>
> 7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
>
> 8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what's your plan?
>
> 9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
>
>
> Old age is not as bad as I thought. It's a good feeling when you feel happy just to wake up in the morning.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on July 29, 2016, 09:26:40 AM

Disney's new film called "Rose Red" - the world's first Liverpudlian l version of "Snow White" - has been put on hold due to an industrial dispute.
All 7 Liverpudlian dwarfs, Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Carjacker, Shoplifter, Drinker and Basher, have walked off the set after refusing to sing the "Hi Ho!" song.
All 7 are insisting that they have no f***ing intention of singing "It's off to work we go."

:)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 08, 2016, 03:27:14 PM

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents. That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said,"Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. I'm disappointed and saddened by your behavior; however, I guess it does happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad."

Bill thanked her for being so understanding.They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Sofa_King on August 30, 2016, 03:30:36 PM

Nurses Usually Don't Laugh

Nurses (usually) don't laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said David, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in her life.

In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop laughing, but it just came out.

And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.

Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. "I am so sorry," she said , "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again.

Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," David replied.

She ran out of the room. :biggrin:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 30, 2016, 03:57:50 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSFWgKl-O-A

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on September 20, 2016, 09:47:51 AM

Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it…

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.”

He continued, “Later, about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, “Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels; the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bunch of perfume bottles on it…all of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer…and, honest mister, all I did was tell her!”

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 07, 2016, 06:00:35 PM

This is a very touching short story that should bring tears to your eyes.

Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.

I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 23, 2016, 10:38:06 AM

Hello, you have reached the Men's Help Line, my name is Bob.

How can I help you?

Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

You know, just the usual signs: The phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up.

Plus, she goes out with the girls a lot.

I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep.

Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home.

So, I hid in the garage, behind my boat and waited for her.

When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse.

Then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment, while crouching behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the
outboard motor mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 24, 2016, 12:55:22 PM

Subject: Buttock tattoo terror lands pair in hospital! Rotherham Gazette

A Winters Tail..

> A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both requiring emergency hospital treatment.
>
> Furious film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had
> visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
>
> "It was a big job in more ways than one." he told us "I'd just lit a roll up
> and was finishing off a centurion's helmet. It's delicate, close work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston's whip, and a hissing sound - more of a whoosh than a rasp - and before I know what's happening, there's a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beard's gone up like an Aussie bush fire."
>
> Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn
> around and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
>
> "To be honest", said Jason, "I didn't even realise she was wearing one.
> You'd need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She
> could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I'd have been none the
> wiser."
> Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital Accident & Emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
>
> "I'm furious" said Jason, "I've got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there anymore. I don't know about Ben Hur - Gone with The Wind's more like it. You don't just let rip in someone's face like that.
> It's dangerous."
>
> But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant; "I'm still in agony," she
> said, "and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney-bloody-Poitier now. Jason shouldn't have had a fag on the go and there's no way I'd guff on purpose.
> He'd had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that
> for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I'd have done the same for Jason, but I didn't get chance - it just crept out."
>
> Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire & Rescue service wasn't surprised when we told him what had happened "People just don't appreciate the dangers", he told us, "We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan 'Flame 'n x - keep 'em apart'. Anyone engaging
> in an arse-inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 31, 2016, 07:59:44 AM

I am sharing a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. This might save you the cost and embarrassment of being arrested for DUI!! It saved me!!

As you know, people have been known to have unexpected brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a “social session” with family or friends. Well, last week, it happened to me. I was out for the evening to a Christmas Party and had more than several margaritas coupled with a bottle of rather nice red wine. It was held at a great Mexican restaurant!!

Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was “slightly” over the limit. That’s when I did something I’ve never done before - I took a Taxi home! Sure enough on the way home there was a police roadblock, but since it was a Taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. These roadblocks can be anywhere and I realized how lucky I was to have chosen to take a Taxi!!

This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a Taxi before. I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage I don’t know what to do with it.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on December 31, 2016, 02:52:47 PM

RCI at it's best.

55555555555

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 02, 2017, 08:00:49 PM

Subject: FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE

The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?"

Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my
twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns;
then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the
back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go
to bed and wait for Father Christmas
to come with all our toys."

"Very nice Patrick," she said. "Now Jimmy
Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"

"Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church
with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we
get home ever so late. We put cookies and milk by the
chimney and we hang up our stockings. We
hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our
presents."

Realising there was a Jewish boy in the class and not
wanting to leave him out of the discussion,
she asked, "Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at
Christmas?"

Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year .
. . Dad comes home from the office, we all pile
into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy
factory. When we get inside, we look at all the
empty shelves . . . and begin to sing: 'What A Friend We
Have in Jesus'. Then we all go to the Bahamas."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 11, 2017, 10:33:38 AM

The Irish Furniture Dealer
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 11, 2017, 10:35:56 AM

Scottish Diplomacy

One thing about blokes from Scotland is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place! Jimmy MacDonald, a City Councillor from Glasgow, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one rag-head terrorist's testicles to a car battery gets the truth out of the lying little camel shagger to save just one Scottish soldier’s life, then I have only three things to say; Red is positive, Black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet.’

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on January 13, 2017, 07:19:42 PM

Nudist cricket

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Adam on January 17, 2017, 06:03:22 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on January 18, 2017, 10:35:52 PM

bigok

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 18, 2017, 11:05:31 PM

Provided a sample to the Hospital the other day:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 22, 2017, 07:07:29 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on January 25, 2017, 08:47:04 PM

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, “Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn’t recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, “Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies.”
Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, “By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith’s?” “Why, yes I am… How did you know?” He leaned closer, winked and whispered, “Hickory dickory dock…

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on January 26, 2017, 06:11:54 PM

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnny.
"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?"
"Damn if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on January 26, 2017, 09:43:22 PM

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats".
But, none of them comes up to the man - touches his penis and say, "Good job".

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULE:
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on January 28, 2017, 07:03:07 PM

THE CLOCK!
A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."
"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter.
"The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible", said the man.
"And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock.
The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied, up there, "We're using it as a ceiling fan.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 01, 2017, 07:51:33 AM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 02, 2017, 07:08:32 PM

Happy Groundhog day. (if you haven't seen the movie it is worth it, if you have then experience deja vu all over again)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 03, 2017, 07:31:54 AM

Opposing views:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 03, 2017, 08:59:04 AM

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office,
But she belonged to someone else...

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to
her and said, 'I'll give you $100.00 if you let me
have sex with you.' But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, 'I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on
the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the
time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have
to consult her boyfriend. So she called her
boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend said, 'Ask him for $200.00, pick up the
money very fast, he won't even be able to get his
pants down.'

So she agreed and accepted the proposal. Half an hour
went by, and the boyfriend was waiting for his
girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend called and
asked what happened.

She responded, 'The bastard used coins!

Management lesson: Always consider a business proposal in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed !

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 04, 2017, 09:23:56 AM

Mummy," asks Susie, "why do you always cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it. You'll have to ask her."
"Granny," ask Susie the next time her grandmother visited, "why do you and Mummy cut the ends off of the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, that's just the way my mother always did it," says Susie's granny. "You'll have to ask her."
"Great Granny," asks Susie the next time they visit her slightly senile great grandmother at the nursing home, "why do you and Granny and Mummy always cut the ends off the sausages before you put them in the pan?"
"Oh, for FUCKS sake" says Great Granny, "are they still using that fucking small pan?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 05, 2017, 08:37:25 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 05, 2017, 08:38:43 PM

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 07, 2017, 06:49:44 PM

A thoughtful Yorkshire husband was putting his hat and coat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wife before leaving and said,
"Maggie - put thi hat and coat on, Lass!"
She replied,
"Awe, Jack, that's nice - are tha tekking me t'pub wi thee?"
"Nay, Lass," Jack replied
"I'm switching th' heating off while I'm out."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 09, 2017, 06:09:26 PM

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years
ago.

Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper
wire. Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times
saying : ?American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French.?

A few weeks later, ?The British Archaeological Society of Northern England?
reported the following: ?After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the
Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught
amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f**k all. Charlie
has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.?

Just makes you proud to be British, don?t it?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 09, 2017, 06:09:55 PM

FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.and they got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. 'Polo, the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 09, 2017, 06:10:20 PM

This comes from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.

This is a mathematical calculation and it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you;

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So ... one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why Politicians are where they are!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 09, 2017, 08:14:29 PM

An old gent leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil you, let's do it!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old fella drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for at least ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the
couple pass by him, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence' ..

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 10, 2017, 06:00:19 PM

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can?t park the car!!! You do it, you b*****d!!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 10, 2017, 08:47:49 PM

A bit racist, but it made me laugh.

Registration on the first day back at school in London....
Ahmed Al Sheriah ????????????"here"
Mustafa Al Sheriah ???????????.."here"
Fatima El Bindiri ????????????.."here"
Ali Acmah Shabeeb ????????????here"
Ali Sun Al En????????????."silence"

Ali Sun Al En?
Little girl at the back stands up and says ??????.."It's pronounced Alison Allen, for f##* sake.."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 12, 2017, 08:10:43 PM

An Australian Love Poem (An Aussie Valentine).

Of course I love ya darlin
You?re a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you?re gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don?t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I?m ready
There?s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn?t flat no more
I tell ya, I don?t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I?m tellin? ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you?ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna?s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I?ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs? on
And fetch another beer.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on February 12, 2017, 08:47:41 PM

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family"s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that"s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that"s great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!""What do you mean?" said Dad."Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I"m coming, I"m coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we"d have lost her for sure...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on February 26, 2017, 12:05:29 PM

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.

They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."

With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?

We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?

Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"

With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.

He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.

Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:

"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"

"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees...

Ees... a ham bush."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 03, 2017, 01:04:44 PM

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said...."Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.

Damn, this is a great country!!!

PS: Now looking for a Chihuahua. The Welfare lady said Mexicans get extra benefits!!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2017, 07:51:25 PM

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Minnesota were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say,
"We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 06, 2017, 07:54:19 PM

ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 08, 2017, 11:25:05 AM

A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone 🎷 last night..!!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 09, 2017, 12:31:51 PM

GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

"Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring
a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right."

Saul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman!

You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 16, 2017, 03:09:11 PM

We had power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV, DVD, iPad & my new surround sound music system were all shut down. Then I discovered that my mobile phone battery was dead and to top it off it was raining outside, so I couldn't play golf.

I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then remembered that this also needs power, so I sat and talked with my wife for a couple of hours.

She seems nice...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Freddy on March 16, 2017, 05:41:53 PM

I'll have to try that.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 17, 2017, 09:10:08 AM

Quote from: Freddy on March 16, 2017, 05:41:53 PM

I'll have to try that.

Talking to TBWG's wife for a couple of hours?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Freddy on March 17, 2017, 10:06:39 AM

:) Yep, and that!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 17, 2017, 01:01:42 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the
R
! We missed the
R
!

We missed the bloody
R
!"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ....

CELEBRATE!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 17, 2017, 10:25:07 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we?re stoning her in the morning.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. She?s 25 and her name is Heather.

Went to our local bar with my wife last night. Locals started shouting ?pedophile!? and other names at me, just because my wife is 21 and I?m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said ?Son, that?s three schools this year! You?d better stop before you?re banned from teaching altogether.?

A man calls 911 and says ?I think my wife is dead.? The operator says, ?How do you know?? The man says, ?The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!?

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, ?You obviously haven?t been listening.?

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst. So I had to go down to Vinnies to get all her clothes back.

The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could contribute towards the floods in Pakistan. I said, ?We?d love to, but our garden hose only reaches the driveway.?

If you get an email entitled, ?Nude Photo of Hillary Clinton?, don?t open it, it contains a nude photo of Hillary Clinton.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: rufusredtail on March 19, 2017, 09:26:53 AM

Three men were sentenced for a serious crime of murder ,and were sentenced to 20 years of imprisonment,the judge gave all three one last request before locking them up and throwing the keys away.

Upon asking the English man , he requested as many ladies as possible to be in his cell with him.

The second man from Italy, wanted as many crates of wine they could cram into his cell.

The third man from Ireland wanted 2500 cartons of cigarettes

After 20 years they opened the cell of the Englishman , he had shagged himself to death .

The Italian had died of alcoholic poisoning, empty bottle still in his mouth.

As they were opening the door to the Irishman,s cell he said " Have you got a light mate "

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 30, 2017, 11:47:37 AM

Members of a Men?s Shed Group were all handed a copy of Fifty shades of Grey. Ted Roberts (author of Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure) said: ?Thanks, it?ll come in handy when re-painting the house?
All were asked to read it and return in a week with their comments.
Here?s a selection:

Bill Carruthers, 74
We tried various positions ? round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------
Nick Enwright, 86
She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
?I?m yours for the night,? she gasped, ?You can do whatever you want with me.?
So I took her to Bunnings for the BBQ.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------------
Ted Roberts, 79
She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------
Tom Entwhistle, 73
Ever since she read THAT book, I?ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---
Jack Farthing, 78
?Put on this rubber suit and mask,? I instructed, calmly.
?Mmmm, kinky!? she purred.
?Yes,? I said, ?You can?t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----
John Hardcastle, 72
?I?m a very naughty girl,? she said,
biting her lip. ?I need to be punished.?
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
Colin Horrocks, 65
?Harder!? she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. ?Harder!?
?Okay,? I said. ?What?s the gross national product of Nicaragua??
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------
Malcolm Riddock, 75
I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----
Allen Cardly, 74
?Are you sure you can take the pain?? she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
?I think so,? I gulped.
?Here we go, then,? she said, and showed me the receipt.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Humphrey Landsdowne, 56
Hurt me!? she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
?Very well,? I replied. ?You?ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Nicholas Benchley, 53
?Are you sure you want this?? I asked.
?When I?m done, you won?t be able to sit down for weeks.? She nodded.
?Okay,? I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture for sale on eBay.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Toby Williams, 60
?Punish me!? she cried. ?Make me suffer like only a real man can!?
?Very well,? I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 30, 2017, 11:48:27 AM

Hell
Nicola Sturgeon, Donald Trump, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin calls Russia and talks for 5 minutes.
When he was finished the devil in forms him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a cheque.
Next Donald Trump calls the U.S. and talks for 30 minutes.
When he's finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so Trump writes him a cheque.
Finally Nicola Sturgeon gets her turn and calls Scotland for 4 hours. When she's finished, the devil informed her that there would be no charge and feel free to call Scotland anytime.
Putin and Trump go ballistic and ask the devil why Nicola Sturgeon got to call Scotland free.
The devil replied, "Since Nicola Sturgeon became First Minister of Scotland, the Country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: BillH52 on March 31, 2017, 09:59:11 AM

They're not happy in Gaza ..
They're not happy in Egypt ..
They're not happy in Libya ..
They're not happy in Morocco ..
They're not happy in Iran ..
They're not happy in Iraq ..
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ..
They're not happy in Syria ..
They're not happy in Lebanon ...

SO.. WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?

They're happy in Australia ..
They're happy in Canada ..
They're happy in England ..
They're happy in France ..
They're happy in Italy ..
They're happy in Germany ..
They're happy in Sweden ..
They're happy in the USA ..
They're happy in Norway ..
They're happy in Holland ..
They're happy in Denmark ..

Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim and unhappy in every country that is!

AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves

THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN !

AND THEN- They want to change those countries to be like, THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!
Excuse me, but I can't help wondering...
How frigging dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Lets have a look at the evidence:
- No Christmas
- No television
- No nude women
- No football
- No pork chops
- No hot dogs
- No burgers
- No beer
- No bacon
- Rags for clothes
- Towels for hats
- Constant wailing from some bloke in a tower
- More than one wife
- More than one mother-in-law
- You can't shave
- Your wife can't shave
- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys
- You cook over burning camel shit
- Your wife is picked by someone else for you
- and your wife smells worse than your donkey
- Then they tell them that "when they die, it all gets better"???

Well No Shit Sherlock!....
It's not like it could get much worse!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on March 31, 2017, 04:18:55 PM

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife."

A voice from the back of the room called out, "You need more ammo!?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 06, 2017, 07:42:47 PM

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
> white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
> minutes.
> I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

>
> Just had my water bill of ?175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam
> can supply a whole African village for just ?2 a month: time to change
> supplier I think.
>
>
> Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
> they tested positive for WD40.
>
>
> A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ....
> Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
>
>

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 19, 2017, 04:29:54 PM

The Umbrella - A Touching Story

On a rainy afternoon, a group of protesters were gathered outside the grocery store handing out pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me, and a young (20-ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.
The young protester gently put her hand on the old woman's shoulder and in a patronizing voice said, "Don't you care about the children of Iraq?"
The old woman looked up at her and said: "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so a naive, iignorant, self-centered bimbo like you could have the right to stand here and badmouth our country, and if you touch me again, I'll shove this umbrella up your ass and open it."

Kinda brings a tear to your eye doesn?t it?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 22, 2017, 04:30:18 PM

THESE REALLY WORK!!

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1 AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER..

4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

DAILY THOUGHT:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 22, 2017, 04:31:24 PM

I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in,
stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.
I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?
?No," I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little shit?.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2017, 06:03:09 PM

A STUDENT ASKED HIS ENGLISH PROFESSOR, "WHAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A DILEMMA?"

THE PROFESSOR SAID, "WELL, THERE'S NOTHING BETTER THAN AN EXAMPLE TO ILLUSTRATE THAT."

"IMAGINE THAT YOU ARE LYING IN A BIG BED WITH A BEAUTIFUL, VERY AROUSED NAKED YOUNG WOMAN ON ONE SIDE AND AN EXCITED GAY MAN ON THE OTHER."

"WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TURN YOUR BACK ON?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2017, 06:03:57 PM

This came from a Soldiers wife. It says it all:
I sat, as did millions of other Americans, and watched as the government underwent a peaceful transition of power a few short months ago...
At first, I felt a swell of pride and patriotism while Donald Trump took his Oath of Office.
However, all that pride quickly vanished as I later watched 21 Soldiers, in full dress uniform with rifles, fire a 21-gun salute to the President.
It was then that I realized how far America's military had deteriorated.
Every one of them missed the bastard.... ?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 05, 2017, 06:04:42 PM

God visited a woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

"Not bad" said the woman, "I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there."

"They don't like that in heaven?, said God.

The woman replied: "They're not too happy about it at Tesco Lotus either.?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 07, 2017, 02:26:20 PM

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling to meet her demand. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she felt she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "That is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I suppose I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ..... But I usually fish on Fridays."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 10, 2017, 02:23:59 PM

The other day I needed to go to the local Medway NHS hospital
But not wanting to sit there for 4 hours,
I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card
That I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket .

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left.
I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all.
Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch.
Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 18, 2017, 09:37:41 PM

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to have the child in secret.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write "Spaghetti" on the back when the child was born.

He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife.

"Honey," she said, "You received a very strange postcard today."

"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 18, 2017, 09:38:26 PM

Ray and Bob, two government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced,
"Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said.
"We need the height and she gives us the length!

Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 18, 2017, 09:39:01 PM

Irish Divorce

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home ... and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!" ;

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.

"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 18, 2017, 09:41:34 PM

THE NEW POLITICAL SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the Politicians stance....

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 25, 2017, 02:21:51 AM

HELL EXPLAINED *

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid-term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by this student was so profound that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that
'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus, I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is,therefore extinct...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting
'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 30, 2017, 02:15:02 AM

GRASS WALKING

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering . . . would it be all right if she carries the golf bag?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 30, 2017, 02:16:47 AM

On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'.

" When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged.
As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded,"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 04, 2017, 03:29:05 AM

"IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER,YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM"

WRITTEN BY A 21 YEAR OLD FEMALE.

Wow, this girl has a great plan! Love the last thing she would do the best.

This was written by a 21 yr. old female who gets it. It's her future she's worried about and this is how she feels about the social welfare big government state that she's being forced to live in! These solutions are just common sense in her opinion.

This was in the Waco Tribune Herald, Waco, TX.

PUT ME IN CHARGE . . .

Put me in charge of food stamps no cash for Ding Dongs or Ho Ho's, just money for 50-pound bags of rice and beans, blocks of cheese and all the powdered milk you can haul away. If you want steak and frozen pizza, then get a job.

Put me in charge of Medicaid. Then, we'll test recipients for drugs, alcohol, and nicotine. If you want to use drugs, alcohol, or smoke, then get a job.

Put me in charge of government housing. Ever live in a military barracks? You will maintain our property in a clean and good state of repair. Your "home" will be subject to inspections anytime and possessions will be inventoried. If you want a plasma TV or Xbox 360, then get a job and your own place.

In addition, you will either present a check stub from a job each week or you will report to a "government" job. It may be cleaning the roadways of trash, painting and repairing public housing, whatever we find for you. We will sell your 22-inch rims and low profile tires and your blasting stereo and speakers and put that money toward the "common good."

Before you write that I've violated someone's rights, realize that all of the above is voluntary. If you want our money, accept our rules. Before you say that this would be "demeaning" and ruin their "self-esteem," consider that it wasn't that long ago that taking someone else's money for doing absolutely nothing was demeaning and lowered self-esteem

If we are expected to pay for other people's mistakes we should at least attempt to make them learn from their bad choices. The current system rewards them for continuing to make bad choices.

I love this one....

AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET THIS BACK, IF EVERYONE SENDS IT, I WILL GET OVER 220 BACK!!! I WOULD KNOW YOU SENT IT ON!!!

Isn't it weird that in AMERICA our flag and our culture offend so many people......
but our benefits don't?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 04, 2017, 06:41:27 AM

Quote from: TBWG on July 04, 2017, 03:29:05 AM

AND while you are on Gov't subsistence, you no longer can VOTE! Yes, that is correct. For you to vote would be a conflict of interest. You will voluntarily remove yourself from voting while you are receiving a Gov't welfare check. If you want to vote, then get a job.

Now, if you have the guts - PASS IT ON...I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO GET THIS BACK, IF EVERYONE SENDS IT, I WILL GET OVER 220 BACK!!! I WOULD KNOW YOU SENT IT ON!!!

Isn't it weird that in AMERICA our flag and our culture offend so many people......
but our benefits don't?

+1 punk thumbup bravo1 yeahme

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 21, 2017, 02:51:03 AM

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news
is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over!

Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course
when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the
businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life.

My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors."

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant
was such a great success.

Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every
time I get an erection, I get a headache."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 26, 2017, 07:41:11 PM

7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.

The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'honour' thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?'
I love this one!

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.'
'Yes,' the class said.
'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?'
A little fellow shouted,
'Cause your feet ain't empty.'

I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples..'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on July 28, 2017, 01:22:50 AM

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL.

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1975 WHY DO YOU ASK?

'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.

THEN THE UGLY,

OLD,

BALD,

WRINKLED,

FAT ARSED,

GREY HAIRED,

DECREPIT,

BASTARD ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT DID YOU TEACH?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on August 04, 2017, 08:39:08 PM

AN ARKANSAS DOG STORY

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend - he calls home.

?Dad,? he says, ?You won?t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole? Blue how to talk!?

?That?s amazing,? his Dad says. ?How do I get Ole? Blue in that program??

?Just send him over here with $1,000? the young Arkie says, ?and I?ll get him in the course.? So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

?So how?s Ole? Blue doing son?? his Father asks.

?Awesome, Dad, he?s talking up a storm,? he says, ?but you just won?t believe this ? they?ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!?

?Read!?? says his Father, ?No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program??

?Just send $2,500, I?ll get him in the class.?

The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.

So she has him shoot the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.

?Where?s Ole? Blue? I just can?t wait to see him read something and talk!?

?Dad,? the boy says, ?I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole? Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does?.

?Then Ole? Blue turned to me and asked, so - is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street??

The Father went white and exclaimed, ?I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!?

?I sure did, Daddy!

?That?s my boy!?

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, and you already know what a liar his girlfriend turned out to be!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 07, 2017, 08:54:11 PM

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior .. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother Superior - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dog leg left and a hidden green....and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

'You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 09, 2017, 09:18:34 PM

A SENIORS PERSPECTIVE OF FACEBOOK: AIN'T IT THE TRUTH!

For those of my generation who do not, and cannot, comprehend why Facebook exists:
I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell passersby what I have eaten, how I feel at the moment, what I have done the night before, what I will do later and with whom.

I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and of me gardening, taking things apart in the garage, watering the lawn, standing in front of landmarks, driving around town, having lunch, and doing what anybody and everybody does every day.

I also listen to their conversations, give them the "thumbs up" and tell them I like them. And it works just like Facebook.

I already have four people following me: two police officers, a private investigator and a psychiatrist.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 11, 2017, 10:58:43 PM

This actually took place in Charlotte, North Carolina

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, Fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable "fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the "fires".

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 15, 2017, 03:04:44 AM

An Interesting Fact About Manure
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship.
It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.

As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles - you can imagine what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction Stow High In Transit, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term ' SHIT ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 07, 2017, 11:41:15 AM

Kim Jong-Un announced at a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is too hot. How can your man land on the sun??

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Kim Jong-Un quietly answered "We will land at night?..

The gathering and everyone in North Korea watching on television broke into thunderous applause.

Back in Washington, Nancy Pelosi and her entourage were watching the news conference

When Pelosi heard what Kim said, she sneered - "What an idiot. Everybody knows there?s no sun at night.?

Her office and everyone working in the DNC broke into thunderous applause.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 22, 2017, 05:56:03 PM

My boss, who is on vacation, phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It's all under control.. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favor," he asked.

I said, "Of course, what is it?

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the foursome behind you."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on November 22, 2017, 06:16:54 PM

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to ?125,000 with all his lifelines.
Chris: OK Paddy, for ?250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:
Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood
Take your time
Paddy: I'll take the money Chris
Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines
Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money
Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.
Paddy: I know the answer Chris.
Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?
Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 28, 2017, 07:41:47 PM

1. Eighteen holes of match play will teach you more about your foe than 18 years of dealing with him across
a desk. -- Grantland Rice
2 Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become. This is proven by their
frequent inability to count past five. -- John Updike
3 It is almost impossible to remember how tragic a place the world is when one is playing golf. -- Robert Lynd
4 If profanity had any influence on the flight of the ball, the game of golf would be played far better than it
is. -- Horace G. Hutchinson
5 They say golf is like life, but don't believe them. Golf is more complicated than that. -- Gardner Dickinson
6 If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork as poorly as they do a golf club, they'd starve to death. -- Sam
Snead
7 Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness. -- William Wordsworth
8 If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt. -- Dean Martin
9 If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have
to waste energy going back to pick it up. -- Tommy Bolt
10. Man blames fate for all other accidents, but feels personally responsible when he makes a
hole in one. -- Bishop Sheen
11. I don't say my golf game is bad, but if I grew tomatoes they'd come up sliced. -- Arnold Palmer
12. My handicap? Woods and irons. -- Chris Codiroli
13. The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top. -- Pete Dye
14. I'm hitting the woods just great; but having a terrible time getting out of them! -- Buddy Hackett
15. The only time my prayers are never answered is playing golf. -- Billy Graham
16. If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball. -- Jack Lemmon
17. It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling. -- Mark Twain
18. Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty. -- Harry Vardon
19. Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at either of them. -- Jimmy DeMaret
20. May thy ball lie in green pastures, and not in still waters. -- Ben Hogan
21. If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. -- Anon

22. The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie. -- George Deukmejian
23. Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. -- Lee Trevino
24. Reason they call it golf is cuz all the other four-letter words were taken. -- Woody Woodbury
25. The No. 1 golf rule you MUST follow: take the car keys and mobile phone out of your golf bag before you
throw it into the creek.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 28, 2017, 07:43:11 PM

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies -- two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 05, 2017, 04:38:09 PM

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.. He flicked it on.
'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied,
'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins...

Ok Ok...... I know it's been posted before but it is the run up to xmas!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on December 10, 2017, 08:22:09 PM

As I get older, I realize?

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management? I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine? It's my tolerance (for idiots) that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is? " I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it. "

#6 - I have days when my life is just one tent short of a circus.

# 7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it does muffle the sound some.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - " Getting lucky " means walking into a room and remembering why I am there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now it feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 16, 2017, 10:51:22 AM

A man with no enemies. Let's hope we can do the same!!!!

Meet Walter

All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man!

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," he replied The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

"Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"

The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes."

Then he calmly returned to his seat.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 21, 2017, 03:12:55 PM

The Adjutant

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, ?You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he?s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.?

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
?Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.?
?Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the
regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions
behind enemy lines. I?ve represented Great Britain in equestrian
events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the
Olympics. I have researched the history of?..?

At that point, the colonel interrupted, ?Yes, yes, never mind that
Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day
you told the witch doctor to x off.?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on December 21, 2017, 09:00:58 PM

Motto to the married man (in Latin):

"Semper in excremento iaces,solum altitudo varia"

Roughly translates to:

"You're always in the shit, it's only the depth that ever varies"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: jivvy on December 22, 2017, 04:25:25 PM

20 things you can only say at Christmas...

1. I prefer breasts to legs.
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. Smooth the butter all over the breasts.
4. If I don't undo my trousers I'll burst!
5. I've never seen a better spread.
6. I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat!
11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin...
15. How long will it take after you put it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20. Wow! I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

Happy Christmas!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Smithy on December 23, 2017, 03:46:02 PM

After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves.What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet :biggrin:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 06, 2018, 03:50:04 PM

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you . Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together.

It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught .

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on April 13, 2018, 08:15:21 PM

The rain was pouring down. There standing in front of a big puddle outside

the pub was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of

string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in out of the rain and

have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the gentleman, being a

bit of a smart ass, cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught

today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on May 31, 2018, 07:56:59 PM

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and exits his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his 'privates' and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 04, 2018, 07:17:31 PM

he only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year
Old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars
Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:

'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.

'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.

'Matt's riding a new bike!'

'Looks as if the Sanders are moving!'

'Jason is on his skate board!

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!

Dad cautiously called out,
'How do you know they're shagging?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 07, 2018, 12:08:04 AM

Great Sex Quotes ?

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."
Lynn Lavner

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!"
Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.
Steve Martin

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 07, 2018, 11:04:40 PM

Subject: Government Benefits

Went down this morning to the Government Benefits Office to sign-up my dog Jeff, an Afghan Hound (sort of).

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits."

I explained to her that my Dog is not a Christian, he is black, unemployed, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is.

He gets his first cheque on Friday ? Plus Food Stamps and a free cell phone.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 10, 2018, 09:28:59 PM

A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though, he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of whisky. It's whisky that does that.
Never mind...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 10, 2018, 09:29:55 PM

An Obituary printed in the London Times.....Absolutely Dead Brilliant!!

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,
-by his parents, Truth and Trust,
-by his wife, Discretion,
-by his daughter, Responsibility,
-and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 5 stepbrothers;
- I Know My Rights
- I Want It Now
- Someone Else Is To Blame
- I'm A Victim
- Pay me for Doing Nothing

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on June 10, 2018, 09:30:43 PM

An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat

next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance

then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks,

'Is your date running late?'
'No', he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch,

and I was just testing it..'
The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?
''What's so special about it?'
The Aussie explains,

'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'
The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'
The woman giggles and replies
'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says,
' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 16, 2018, 04:03:18 AM

It's gator mating season be careful out there!!!

Another good reason to have a concealed weapons permit.

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol:

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?
Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a pond just outside my house in The Villages with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator which suddenly emerged from the murky water.

It began charging us with its large jaws wide open. She must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little Beretta .22 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took. The gator got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace. The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible. His life insurance was a big bonus!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on July 25, 2018, 09:43:46 PM

There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job. So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by tell-tale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:

"Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.
(you're going to hate this)
"REPAINT! REPAINT! and THIN NO MORE!"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 20, 2018, 03:38:39 PM

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me AGAIN, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the fellows.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club. She replied, "Are you nuts?
You are 78-years-old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.
She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, Dad, where are your glasses?!
This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said. "I really don't know what to do.
I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 23, 2018, 01:38:06 AM

The maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Gloria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Gloria: "Well, Se?ora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Gloria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Gloria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Gloria: "Jor hozban did"

Wife increasingly agitated: "Oh he did did he???"

Gloria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife: ... really boiling now and through gritted teeth. "And did my husband say that as well?"

Gloria: "No Se?ora..... The gardener did."

Wife: "So... how much do you want?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on August 30, 2018, 10:40:38 PM

A divorce lawyer representing a wealthy art collector called his

client.

"Paul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day. Give me the good

news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met your wife today, and she informed me

that she had just invested ?5000 in two pictures that she thinks will

bring a minimum of ?15 million to ?20 million, and I think she could be

right."

Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant

businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad

news. What is it?"

The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary?.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on September 06, 2018, 02:40:21 AM

For those who are old enough to remember - enjoy.
For the rest - it's a history lesson...!!

Very surprising how time and memory has taken its toll.
Have things really changed this much in our time?

------------------------------ ---------------------
EATING IN THE UK IN THE FIFTIES
Pasta had not been invented.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
Bananas and oranges only appeared at Christmas time.
All crisps were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the
salt on or not.
A Chinese chippy was a foreign carpenter.
Rice was a milk pudding, and never, ever part of our dinner.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Coffee was Camp, and came in a bottle.
Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Only Heinz made beans.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India .
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word never mind a food.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being
white gold.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle
feed.
P ineapples came in chunks in a tin; we had only ever seen a picture
of a real one.
Water came out of the tap, if someone had suggested bottling it and
charging more than petrol for it they would have become a laughing
stock.
The one thing that we never ever had on our table in the fifties ..
was elbows!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on September 20, 2018, 08:23:01 PM

A woman's tale:
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to surprise our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here are the results:

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

My story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,...........

" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 09, 2018, 03:14:42 AM

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind.

Today, I got a call from Home Depot who installed them. The caller complained that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helloooo,........... just because I'm a Senior Citizen doesn't mean that I am automatically mentally challenged.

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year -- that these windows would pay for themselves in a year---

Hellooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on October 20, 2018, 03:52:44 AM

A man died and left a will that designated $30,000 to cover an elaborate funeral. After the funeral a family friend asked the man's widow how much of the money she used for the funeral. "All of it," she replied. "The funeral was $6,500, I donated $500 to the church, the food and refreshments were another $500, and the rest went toward the memorial stone."

After a quick calculation, the friend said, "You spent $22,500 on a memorial stone? How big is it??"

"Two and a half carats," the widow replied.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on November 08, 2018, 08:34:58 PM

Southern USA Humor

A guy from ALABAMA passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it 'till she's 14.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How do you know when you're staying in a MISSISSIPPI hotel?

When you call the front desk and say,
"I gotta leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How can you tell if a GEORGIA redneck is married?

There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in ALABAMA to 32?

It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high school.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw in GEORGIA ?

Documentaries!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where was the toothbrush invented?

MISSISSIPPI.

If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An ALABAMA State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-65 and says to the driver,

"Got any I.D.?" and the driver replies"Bout wut?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Did you hear about the $3 million GEORGIA State Lottery?

The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The governor's mansion in ALABAMA burned down!

Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books-poofed up in flames and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A new law was recently passed in MISSISSIPPI.

When a couple gets divorced, they are STILL cousins.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A guy walks into a bar in GEORGIA and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says,"You ain't from 'round here are ya boy?

"No" replies the man, I?m from California.?

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in California?"

"I'm a taxidermist," said the man.

The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?"

The man says,"I mount animals.

"The bartender hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on November 09, 2018, 11:51:50 AM

Like Golf........??

While walking down the street a Senator was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem just let me in," says the Senator.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven.

Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.

They have a good time and before he realizes it the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The Senator reflects for a minute before he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

"I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?

The devil smiles at him and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

(Vote wisely :-)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dimple joe on November 10, 2018, 12:29:26 PM

tattoo

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: TBWG on December 09, 2018, 08:13:39 PM

PONDERING LIFE...

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly
realized that I don't really care. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking was good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, drinks only water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 5 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run and never hops yet it lives for 150 years.

(there?s a fortune waiting for the first person who films a tortoise hopping)

And you tell me to exercise? I don't think so!
I'm retired. Go around me.

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. I don't remember being diagnosed with dementia.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in
the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play
chess?
16. It?s not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder, what am I hereafter
19. Did I say that I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. Did I send these to you before; or, perhaps, did you send them to me?

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on February 02, 2019, 08:57:55 PM

1. My goal for 2019 was to lose 10 pounds. Only have 14 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza.. I ate a pizza, are you happy ?
3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat, chicken or fish
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food supply in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70, I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 4, 2018 marked the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on March 18, 2019, 05:25:33 PM

Think we all know some candidates:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 02, 2019, 12:53:25 AM

Complete And Finished

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words. In a linguistic competition held in London and attended by, supposedly, the best in the world, Mr. Samdar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation which lasted over 5 minutes.

The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand? Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Here is his astute answer:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

He won a trip around the world and a case of scotch!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 17, 2019, 07:49:30 PM

Growing up is a weird notion to wrap your mind around. As you go through life, your perspectives on almost everything will change. How you define success will change as well. Things that you thought were important at the age of 35 will be useless when you're 65. You may not realize it now, but everything will shift...

At age 4 success is not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is having friends.
At age 16 success is having a driver's license.
At age 20 success is having sex.
At age 35 success is having money.
At age 60 success is having money.
At age 70 success is having sex.
At age 80 success is having a driver's license.
At age 85 success is having friends.
At age 90 success is not peeing in your pants.

It all comes full circle, whether you like it or not

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM

To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on May 18, 2019, 07:32:46 AM

Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM

To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

The old ones are the best. The very old ones are still a little funny. party8 party8 party8

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Bob on May 18, 2019, 08:36:24 AM

Indeed

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM

Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM

To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on May 18, 2019, 09:11:46 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM

Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:25:17 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 09:11:46 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM
Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555.

Well Starman, why don't you show where I posted before. So if you believe it is an old joke, prove it by giving the link to the previous post on this thread. If this has not been posted before on this thread it is a new joke. So which is it Star, a new posted joke or a repost? Try to use an easy reference for once.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:34:31 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:25:17 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 09:11:46 AM
Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM
Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555.

Well Starman, why don't you show where I posted before. So if you believe it is an old joke, prove it by giving the link to the previous post on this thread. If this has not been posted before, it is a new joke. So which is it Star, a new posted joke or a repost? Try to use an easy reference for once.

I like the idea that any joke that has never been posted on here is a new joke. That is funny. A new joke even. 5555 (see, it even made me laugh).

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:45:55 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:34:31 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:25:17 AM
Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 09:11:46 AM
Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM
Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555.

Well Starman, why don't you show where I posted before. So if you believe it is an old joke, prove it by giving the link to the previous post on this thread. If this has not been posted before, it is a new joke. So which is it Star, a new posted joke or a repost? Try to use an easy reference for once.

I like the idea that any joke that has never been posted on here is a new joke. That is funny. A new joke even. 5555 (see, it even made me laugh).

As usual Starman cannot back his statements.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:52:46 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:45:55 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:34:31 AM
Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:25:17 AM
Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 09:11:46 AM
Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 08:57:11 AM
Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

One of the advantages of aging is that you forget some of the past. So if I posted this previously on this thread I found it funny again the 2nd, 3rd or 4th time around. So if you ask me what I had for breakfast 2 days ago chances are I will get it wrong.

And you berate me for reposting something I did 5 years ago? Wow, how did I ever remember it that long, I should have reposted sooner.

I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555.

Well Starman, why don't you show where I posted before. So if you believe it is an old joke, prove it by giving the link to the previous post on this thread. If this has not been posted before, it is a new joke. So which is it Star, a new posted joke or a repost? Try to use an easy reference for once.

I like the idea that any joke that has never been posted on here is a new joke. That is funny. A new joke even. 5555 (see, it even made me laugh).

As usual Starman cannot back his statements.

Blimey Urleft. Wouldd you like me to explain? OK. I wrote this:

"I believe Bob was not referring to you posting 5 years ago but rather that this joke very old and has been posted many times in many places. Sand? Head? 555555."

So I did not say you already posted it.

I said it was an old joke. I'm sorry but I don't have links as I also read papers and magazines. I have seen it in VIZ, I have had it sent to my phone by a friend, I have seen it on a Facebook group that I no longer belong to, I do believe that a friend also showed it to me on his phone. Like I said "posted many times in many places".

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:56:45 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:52:46 AM

I'm sorry

For once we agree, you are sorry.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 11:19:08 AM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:56:45 AM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 10:52:46 AM
I'm sorry

For once we agree, you are sorry.

Oops no response from Starman. OK Bob, Wrote me from %+ years ago. And I expect you to win.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Bob on May 18, 2019, 01:55:25 PM

Take it easy urleft.
I was just joking too. Sorry.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Smithy on May 18, 2019, 02:02:41 PM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 07:32:46 AM

Quote from: Bob on May 17, 2019, 09:42:28 PM
To add:
And the success for urleft is to reposting here 5 or more years old joke here...

The old ones are the best. The very old ones are still a little funny. party8 party8 party8

With a bit of Googling this joke first did the rounds on-line in about 2004 and has more than likely been repeated 1000's of times on line since then.
I wouldn't say The old ones are the best ....but The Old Ones are definitely the Old Ones redman

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: iammike on May 18, 2019, 03:54:13 PM

This discussion will certainly prevent the posting of any old jokes ! (555555555)

But I for one like the old jokes, and if you don't like them or already know them think about that maybe someone else doesn't know the joke !

Thx Urleft for posting this joke !!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Starman on May 18, 2019, 03:57:19 PM

Quote from: iammike on May 18, 2019, 03:54:13 PM

This discussion will certainly prevent the posting of any old jokes ! (555555555)

But I for one like the old jokes, and if you don't like them or already know them think about that maybe someone else doesn't know the joke !

Thx Urleft for posting this joke !!

The replies were intended as jokes too. That is the whole point. It's a shame some people end up with no toys in their pram.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: iammike on May 18, 2019, 04:22:18 PM

Quote from: Starman on May 18, 2019, 03:57:19 PM

Quote from: iammike on May 18, 2019, 03:54:13 PM
This discussion will certainly prevent the posting of any old jokes ! (555555555)

But I for one like the old jokes, and if you don't like them or already know them think about that maybe someone else doesn't know the joke !

Thx Urleft for posting this joke !!

The replies were intended as jokes too. That is the whole point. It's a shame some people end up with no toys in their pram.

55555 @Starman.

The comments you sometime make !! GOLD !!

(I wish we had a Bow emoij oke well this must do ;)

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Smithy on May 18, 2019, 05:00:42 PM

Quote from: urleft on May 18, 2019, 10:25:17 AM

Well Starman, why don't you show where I posted before

Comedy Gold :D :D :D ......better than your Joke thumbup

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Freddy on May 18, 2019, 08:28:56 PM

FFS

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 18, 2019, 09:36:13 PM

Quote from: Freddy on May 18, 2019, 08:28:56 PM

FFS

Agree

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Gerry on May 19, 2019, 06:57:03 AM

Quote from: Freddy on May 18, 2019, 08:28:56 PM

FFS

I agree too.

I'm trying to comprehend why some people can't laugh at themselves and instead try to instigate some kind of issue by accusing others of being the perpetrator by accusing them of something they did not do.

Fortunately I can see the funny side of this so there is a joke there.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: dundeemk6 on May 19, 2019, 03:00:37 PM

Even for the umptief time ... a joke always stays a joke ... some might have read/seen/heard the joke for the first time ...

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Bob on May 19, 2019, 07:33:58 PM

At the battle:
Sir, we are surrounded!
- Fxxk you! Now we can attack in any direction!

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Bob on May 19, 2019, 07:43:54 PM

https://youtu.be/8FpZ5iI__Ew

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Smithy on May 20, 2019, 11:33:49 AM

:biggrin:

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: urleft on May 20, 2019, 05:09:56 PM

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God said that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God again said that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said "That's kind of hard to want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: Smithy on May 21, 2019, 10:26:48 AM

BREXIT explained :biggrin:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=edGFTEbZCHQ

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: iammike on May 21, 2019, 05:24:58 PM

God's plan for aging?

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In his wisdom God decreed that
seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their
glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked
down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In his wisdom he made seniors
lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend,
reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would
have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom,
thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was
good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember
it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you
mutter under your breath.

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't
tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a
sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe
years unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the
hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a
burning issue tomorrow.

Title: Re: Ring any bells?
Post by: iammike on May 21, 2019, 05:28:27 PM

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?"

Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range."

Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm."

Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not one, are you?"

Buriram Expats

Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: TBWG on August 25, 2010, 02:15:51 AM