Buriram Expats
Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: Admin on September 01, 2008, 08:19:42 PM
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As a senior member asked me to do.. party6
So I've decided to make it an all round fun group. So anything from puzzles to jokes to plain ole fun.
Let's have a good time.
:D :D
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Why no Jokes,Silly Stories or Games section? Im sure TWBG can fill a page or three. Obviously it would have to remain fairly clean but some of these can be 'never ending' threads ?
blah2
Dave
Well I have to rise to that bait after such a glowing recommendation, but I'll give it a go despite the fact I don't have an original thought of my own and have to plagiarize other peoples material. confused1
What the hell I'll try anything once, huh, thinking about it maybe that's not absolutely true I would definitely not do morris dancing and incest is a no no as well. confused4 Must be others but can't think of any at the moment.
What is it that you wont do.. apart from posting on BE forum that is! confused3
TBWG sawadi
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Hi all
Well it doesn't look like anyone else is going to start this off ... so it's up to moi!
What does a man with a foot long penis have for breakfast? Well actually it was a bacon butty! cool1 happy3
TBWG sawadi
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Come on what about posting something! party3
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
TBWG sawadi
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Bragging about old times
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."
surrender1
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Well it doesn't look as if any other b****r is going to post anything so I will roll out an old one.
This gag managed to get Max Wall banned for life from appearing on BBC and at the time was deemed in extreme bad taste. confused4
It goes something like this... An attractive young lady was walking down an extremely narrow mountain path when she came across a young man coming in the opposite direction. The path was not wide enough for both of them to pass so the young man could not decide whether to block her passage or toss himself off!
Very risqué in those days. happy1
Now will one of you miserable buggers post a joke or at least join in the song title game!
TBWG sawadi
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ok ok .here is a joke.
;D
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Fine: Here are four of the funniest ever Chinese jokes.
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jumping3 now that was funny..
here is a nice one..
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Fine: Here are four of the funniest ever Chinese jokes.
Like it joke no 3 is hilarious almost peed myself laughing :D
TBWG sawadi
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If the current UK schools secretary's sister accompanied the current UK chancellor of the exchequer to an official function, would the introduction go something like this.... A big hand for Ophelia Balls, Alistair Darling! confused4
TBWG sawadi
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If the current UK schools secretary's sister accompanied the current UK chancellor of the exchequer to an official function, would the introduction go something like this.... A big hand for Ophelia Balls, Alistair Darling! confused4
TBWG sawadi
Well I thought that was fairly good seeing as I thought it up myself, but not a single post or comment from anyone .. sometimes I think I'm pissing into the wind with you miserable buggers!
Anyway I won't give up just yet! So here's another.
Lady said, .. "I's so painful I'd prefer to get pregnant than having my cavity filled". Dentist replied," make a quick decision so I can adjust chair accordingly'. party8
TBWG sawadi
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I don't wish to offend. If you take offense, I appologise humbly. sawadi
Mental Health Outsourcing
I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline;
I got a call center in Islamabad , Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
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I don't wish to offend. If you take offense, I appologise humbly. sawadi
Mental Health Outsourcing
I was depressed last night, so I called Lifeline;
I got a call center in Islamabad , Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
Like it Chris ... :D :D :D I see you are now an endangered species i.e. a full member congrats happy3
TBWG sawadi
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Free drinks for everyone
One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender." So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $36.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."
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How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, if they're small enough.
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How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Californians don't screw in light bulbs they screw in hot tubs.
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Madonna has always said she loves the English culture and wants to be more British......
Well now she's a single mother with three kids and one of them is a .........
Transformation complete, Id say.
Dave (Joke doing the rounds on UK mobiles, Not mine BTW)
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Another not my joke... pinched from the other forum. confused4
THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING
LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND
THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.
EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE
IT WAS MAKING HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T.STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS
PERFECTLY NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT
ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.
THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE
THANKSGIVING MORNING AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE
W AS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEE P, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS AND NECK, GIZZARD,
LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PAR TS AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CA ME TO HER.
SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP
AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC
WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPAN TS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO
HIS SHORTS
SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USU AL TRUMPETING
WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC
FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL
HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER
YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRE TT Y GOOD..
ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS
BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT HER
LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATT ER.
HE SAID, "HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT." "A LL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME A
ND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU".
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.
"WELL, YOU ALW AYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS
OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED."
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT
MOST OF THEM BACK IN."
TBWG sawadi
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Pinched from another forum .. but I thought it worth repeating and topical ....
I want to see the Faces of my Family and Friends When they unwrap their Christmas Presents and see the Woolworths Vouchers! confused4
TBWG sawadi
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nice.. happy1
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HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!
This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?
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I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
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Not stricktly Thai but:
A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....run!"
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
"Walk with pr-r-ride man!"
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Took me time to understand the joke.. hehe :D
Anyway,great link to website with thai local jokes.
VERY funny.
http://www.thaipulse.com/thailand-index-card-jokes/ party13
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Why don't women have brains? :'(
Because they don't have a penis to put it in.
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out
to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic
sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,
"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from
here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right.
This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.
Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with
her... he's naked as well! The bitch!
"He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate - for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth. Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot
his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still
for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the man impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I
think I can save you a grand here..." :laugh:
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What is the difference between a Woman's Track Team and a Tribe on Pygmies?
One is a cunning bunch of runts.
party14
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any 'gwapes'?", and the bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grapes here." So the duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day he walks into the same bar and asks the bar tender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender replies, "No, sorry I don't sell grape here." The duck leaves and goes home to rest and the next day, he goes back to the bar and asks the bartender, "Got any gwapes?" The bartender angrily replies, "I don't want to have to tell you again, I don't sell grapes here and if you ask me again I will nail your beek to the counter of the bar!" The duck leaves and goes home to rest. The next day the duck goes to the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender looks at him and screams, "No, we don't have any nails!" The duck then asks, "Got any gwapes?"
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smart salesman
A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked -
"Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?"
Aghast, the man said, "are you NUTS?, that's robbery!"
The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again -
"Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?
Again, the man replies bluntly - "you must be crazy pal, now go away!"
The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy -
"Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much".
Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:
"HEY," he snarled, "this brownie tastes like crap!!!"
"It is," replied the salesman. "Wanna buy some mouthwash?"
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This one got me started this morning:
Know the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a prostitute with diarrhea?
One shucks between fits . . .
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Here is 1 more link to Thai local jokes.. ::)
http://www.thaipulse.com/thailand-index-card-jokes/
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A penguin was driving his car down the highway when steam began to pour out of the hood. He pulled into a repair shop and asked the mechanic to fix his car. The man said to come back in half an hour. So while he waited the penguin went across the street to the bar, and ordered a glass of milk. Since penguins don't have hands to hold glasses, he spilled some milk on his beak. When he returned to the mechanic, he asked what was wrong with his car. The mechanic said it looked like he blew a seal.
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That was good. :-*
Give me more ! biggrin1
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That was good. :-*
Give me more ! biggrin1
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their
situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.’ You Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can
give life.’
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.’
'Oh Father, that's wonderful...
... stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!' >:D
TBWG sawadi
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Thailand LOVE STORY
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour
just rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
“Becauseâ€, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
www.missladyboys.com
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There is nothing like the power of a good argument ... or a strong
negotiation
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Brisbane to Melbourne.
After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and they
decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but
they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a bill for
$450.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $450.00.
When the clerk tells him $450.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on
speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel
has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available
for the husband and wife to use.
'But we didn't use them,' the man complains
'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He goes on
to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is
famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood, and Las Vegas
perform here,' the Manager says.
'But we didn't go to any of those shows,' complains the man again.
'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, 'But we didn't
use it!'
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. 'But sir,' he says,
'this cheque is only made out for $50.00.'
'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you $400 for sleeping with my
wife.'
'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.
'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'
TBWG sawadi
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Nun In A Cab:
A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," says the nun, "why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.
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(http://www.amuzingthaicartoons.com/411%20WORLDS%20DUMPING%20GROUND%201.jpg)
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Subject: Anger Management
Husband says: When I get mad at you, You never fight back. How do you control your anger?
Wife says: I clean the toilet...
Husband says: How does that help?
Wife says: I use your Toothbrush......
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Southerners Are So Polite.......
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 522 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R.
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 522."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
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Dating tip: It's important to have somebody that can make you laugh, somebody you can trust, somebody that, y'know, turns you on... And it's really, really important that these three people don't know each other. cool2
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I was banned from the on-line dating site.
On your response to the Question: What do you want most in a Woman?
My dixk in not an acceptable answer.
Application denied.
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Wonderful English from Around the World:
In a Bangkok temple: IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Cocktail lounge , Norway : LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
Doctors office, Rome : SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Dry cleaners, Bangkok : DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the main road to Mombassa, leaving Nairobi : TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom: ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant: OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
In a cemetery: PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES ...
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar: SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
Hotel , Yugoslavia : THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
Hotel , Japan : YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest : IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich : BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand : WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen : WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
A laundry in Rome : LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
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HELL EXPLAINED >:D
BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+. jumping7
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Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest; when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope... When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."
Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips.
When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." confused4
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Today's Laugh
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple, informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a normal, conversational speaking tone
and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She turns to him and yells......
"Ralph! ..... for the FIFTH friggin' time, it's CHICKEN!"
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Bottle of Merlot
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.
So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, 'This is from the gentleman who is seated over there.'.... and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.
She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note.
The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: 'For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and '7' inches in your pants'.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.
It read:
'Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be, I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages; I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami , and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana . There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle back'
-
A True Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl
said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode
motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and
drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the
toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.
The end
-
WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station
restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which
way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier
-
A woman d ecides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper... Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?’
'About 32,' is the reply.'
'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'
The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'
Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?'
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'
The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'
'I promise I won't' she says.
'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
-
:D :D
A policeman stops a track driver, his car is full with a lot of boxes.
- What are you carrying?
- Apples.
- And what you're holding in your hand?
- Apple seeds. I'm afraid to lose them because they're far more valuable then the apples. One seed only costs 500 baht, because eating apple seeds makes you smarter.
The police scratches his chin, he thinks a lot and then he say:
- You know what, sell me one apple seed.
He eats the seed and after that:
- With 500 baht I could have bought a box full of apples and eat them and their seeds, instead I've bought only one seed from you.
- You've done right you've bought the apple seed. You're already smarter, don't you see?!.
- You know what? You're right! Here, take another 1500 baht and give me another 3 seeds.
-
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
-
Top Four Adult Jokes of 2009
Fourth Place:
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does,
his elbow goes into her breast.
They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast,
I know you'll forgive me.'
She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221..'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Third Place :
One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Runner Up:
Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day
to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied.
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Winner:
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago..'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
-
Moishe is driving in Jerusalem. He's late for a meeting, he's looking for a parking place, and can't find one.
In desperation, he turns towards heaven and says: "Lord, if you find me a parking place, I promise that I'll eat only kosher, respect Shabbat, and all the holidays."
Miraculously, a place opens up just in front of him.
He turns his face up to heaven and says, "Never mind, I just found one!"
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-
* Tiger's new movie is out: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Hydrant.
Tiger Jokes.......
* Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."
* Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole-in-one.
* Elin's excuse? She had to play a bad lie.
* What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.
* What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing.
* Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.
* Why did Tiger leave the house so early? He has a 2:30 tree time.
* What do a Cadillac SUV and a Nike golf ball have in common? Tiger Woods can drive them both into the trees.
* Anyone done a haiku yet?
Tiger flees from wife
Water sprays from fire hydrant
Then tree falls victim.
* Elin's new theme song from Jazmine Sullivan: I Bust the Windows out Your Car!!!
And here are your Tiger Woods prop bets, as seen on Bodog.com:
Will Tiger Woods publicly admit to having an affair by December 31st 2009?
Yes +200
No -260
(Hope you bet yes. This one appears to have been settled).
Will Tiger Woods and his wife separate before December 31st 2009?
Yes -150
No +120
Will Tiger Woods leave his wife for Rachel Uchitel by December 31st 2010?
Yes +500
No -1000
(Tiger Woods must be separated or divorced from his wife then publicly admit to dating Rachel Uchitel for "Yes" to be graded as the winner)
Will Tiger Woods' reported mistress Rachel Uchitel pose for Playboy by December 31st 2010?
Yes +145
No -175
Good luck.
-
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.
He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
- 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want.. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back,
- 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her.....
- 'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?
hungry1
-
In 1912, the world famous Austrian gynecologist, Dr. Hermann Otto Kloepneckler, M.D. Ph.D. published the following:
"The best engine in the world is the vagina. It can be started with one finger. It is self-lubricating. It takes any size piston. And it changes its own oil every four weeks. It is only a pity that the management system is so temperamental."
TBWG sawadi
-
Story Of My Life........
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I
needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything
was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened
suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally
predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I
decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did
mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless... So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
-
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, and his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally?
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new car screwy
-
Did you hear about the woman who sat on a circular saw?
Disaster ..... character1
-
A baboon went in to a bar and ordered a beer. '"That's 20 pounds please", said the bartender, thinking a baboon knows nothing about money.
Then the bartender stood back and said "I don't see that often, a baboon in my bar".
At which the baboon said '' I can imagine that, with these kind of prices".
-
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my
SIN. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to
verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet
at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go
home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and
she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too."
-
Subject: Good Restaurant..................
A group of 40-year-old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and nice breasts. party4
10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also. alcoholic
10 years later at 60 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant is smoke free. gossip1
10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator. :'(
10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Gausthof zum Lowen because that would be a great idea because they have never been there before. oldmanwithstick
-
THE HORTH WHITHPERER
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment.'
So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth'?
So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth'?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I see her mouf'?
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat'?
Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that, 'Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit'?
-
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy.."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said You'd be paying for her things, too."
-
The Pope and Tiger Woods die on the same day and because of an administrative mix up the Pope
went to Hell and Tiger Woods went to Heaven.
The Pope explains the situation to the administrative clerk in Hell, and after checking the paperwork
admits that there is an error.
"However", the clerk explains, "it would be 24 hours before it can be rectified."
Next day the Pope is called and Hell's staff bids him farewell.
On the way up, the Pope meets Tiger Woods coming down from Heaven and they stop to have a chat.
"Sorry about the mix up", apologizes the Pope.
"No problem" replied Tiger Woods.
Pope: "I am really anxious to get to Heaven"
Tiger: "Why is that?"
Pope: "All my life I have wanted to meet the Virgin Mary"
Tiger: "You're a day late!"
-
Super Husband....
A man had 50 yard line tickets at the Super Bowl.
As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is
sitting in the seat next to him.
"No," he says, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible" said the man. "Who in their right mind would
have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?"
The first man says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was
supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first
Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh . . . I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.
But couldn't you find someone else - - a friend or relative, or even
a neighbor to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."
-
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!' biggrinbar
-
What goes in hard and stiff and comes out soft and sticky?
A piece od chewing gum smilenod
-
Blimey it's hard work getting rid of the Newbie tag!
Ok, oldies but goldies.
How to make a cat bark ...
Take one cat, cover said cat in lighter fuel, strike a match and hold it against the cat and the cat will go ....
WHHOOOOFF!
runningdog
QED.
How to make a dog meow ..
Take one dog, go down to your local timber merchant's. Run said dog through a circular saw and the dog will go ...
MMMEEEEEEAAAAAAOOOOOOOW !!!
QED.
-
Right then ... no limericks until now, so ...
An amoeba named Sam and his brother,
Were having a drink with each other,
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split their sides laughing,
And now each of them is a mother!
Think about it ...
-
The difference if you marry a glasgow girl
Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....
The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Glasgow. He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn't see anything.
By the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees. 2guys
-------------------------------------------
A drunk
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key", the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.
He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....
"Holy ****! My girlfriend's gone, too!! party12
-
Husband Down
A Husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price.'
On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25, we have a husband down.
-
The universe is expanding. That should help to ease Bangkok traffic...
-
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD.
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going
up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the
garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the
back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the
shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."
George said, "Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right
now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire
Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence,
and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story) I LOVE IT!
Don't mess with old people.
-
You have to see this one. :D happy3 http://terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.swf (http://terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.swf)
-
Aviation monkeys ....
A guy walks into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, an engineer from the local airport walked
in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'd like a Line Service monkey, please." The clerk nodded, went to a cage at the side
of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it to the engineer, saying,
"That'll be $1,000."
The engineer paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the first customer went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a
few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah-----that was a line service monkey. He can park, fuel, and service all types of aircraft, conduct all required ground ops testing, rig aircraft flight controls, and all with no mistakes. He's well worth the money."
With his interest peaked, the customer then looked around and spotted a monkey in another cage with a $10,000 price tag.
"That one's even more expensive! What can it do?" he asked.
"Oh, that one is a Maintenance Supervisor" monkey. She can instruct at all levels of aircraft maintenance, supervise all corrective and preventive maintenance programs, supervise a crew of maintainers, and even do most of the paperwork.
A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The customer continued to look around the shop a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read $50,000.
Reading that, the customer said, "$50,000!!!! ... Holy smoke, what does this one do?"
"Well", the shopkeeper said, "I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and chase women, but his papers say he's a pilot!"
-
A blonde in church....
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor
that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot
tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'
No one moved.
The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember,
you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.'
Again, all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend, there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan; I simply told a couple of my
friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'
-
Human beings are the only animals that stutter........
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a r unning start and before we knew it,
he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say 'F..k!,'
the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
-
A frail little old lady alone in her run down house hears a knock at the front door, so she starts off to answer it, on opening the door, there stood a Hoover salesman, (a real flash git) flash suite, big cheesy grin.
“Good morning madam, beautiful day, I’m Bob and I’m from the Hoover Mantic company and do I have the deal for youâ€, before the little old lady could say a word, he starts again.
“Madam allow me to give you a demonstration of just what this baby can do†and with that he bends down and pick up a bucket, full to the brim with fresh dog shit.
“So confident am I that this Hoover will pick up everything off your carpet†he only stops talking to throw the bucket of dog shit onto her hall carpet, the little old lady looked on in disbelief.
Still grinning the salesman said, “don’t worry madam, this little baby will pick it all up.............anything it leaves behind….......……..I’ll eat!
There was a brief silence, the little old lady turned to the salesman and said,
“I hope you’re hungry†“why†said the salesman,
“well, said the old lady, “they cut my electric off this morning !!
-
FIRST TIME SEX
............
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time..
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack..
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..'
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Women Are Evil By Nature...
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender.. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered,
"There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.
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Blonde Joke.......
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, "What a Great chest you have!'
He tells her,'That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He takes off his pants and the blonde says,' "What massive calves you have!'
The body builder tells her, That's 100 lbs. of dynamite, Baby.'
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the
apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!'
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URGENT WARNING
Male Date-Drug
Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.
Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer ' .
The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad' occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' . In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'. Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.
Please forward this warning to every male you know.
If you fall victim to this 'Beer ' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Buriram Expats' in the phone book.
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THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being
served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put
everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing
down the aisle and told us that
'Captain Marvey has asked
me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up,that would be super.'
On his trip back up the
aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking
woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear
me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I
am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which(I swear)the flight attendant replied, without
missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called
a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.'
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Women who know there place!
Hi Bums
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands. She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to, and are happy to, maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?' The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go ): BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN
TBWG sawadi
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A woman & her boyfriend are having a few drinks. She starts talking about this really great new drink and wants to order it for him. He gives in. The bartender puts a salt shaker, a shot of Baileys, & a shot of lime juice on the bar. She explains, "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot of Baileys & hold it in your mouth, & finally you drink the lime juice." He goes along to please her. He puts the salt on his tongue-salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys-smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks, "This is OK." Finally he picks up the lime juice & drinks it. In 1 sec the sharp lime taste hits. At 2 secs the Baileys curdles. At 3 secs the salty, curdled taste & mucous-like consistency hits. At 4 secs it feels as if his mouth is full of nasty salty snot. When he finally chokes it down he says yuck what do u call that drink?
She smiles widely and says "Blow Job Revenge" :'( confused2 sick1
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Guts or Balls
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them ?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask: “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?â€
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: “You're next, Chubby.â€
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.
Both result in death.
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The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.
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A survey was taken on what was the best part of a blow job?
99.3% of the men stated it was the 10 minutes of silence. :-X
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See this video... hahaha
Bike riding FAIL (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SOmg5_7eHEU&feature=popular#)
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Funny Thailand-Poop My Pants (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VPC5IR0Cmms#)
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Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.
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Two Sides to a Story....
Two women are chatting in an office.
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
Woman 2: Yes.
Woman 1: Was it good?
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his
dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five
minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out
to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked
for an hour. It was like a fairytale!
At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because
they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to
take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have
money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when
we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking
candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for
an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did,
I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was
jabbering away for another hour!
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A joke:
One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.
"Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."
Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"
"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't have been staying in this motel, would you?"
(http://people.bu.edu/wwildman/WeirdWildWeb/media/images/other/jokes_1.jpg)
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Heaven is:
- when the chefs are French
- the mechanics Swiss
- the police British
- the lovers Italian
- and it is all organized by the Germans
Hell is:
-When the chefs are British
- the mechanics French
- the police German
- the lovers Swiss
- and it is all organized by the Italians.
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T two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'
'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.
'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'
'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!
He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'
'Sure, what do you want?'
'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'
'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.
'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here..
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Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town
and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.
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Older Men Scam
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves in parking lots. This is the first warning for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may shop at places like Makro or Big C. This one caught me totally by surprise. Many have become victims of this clever scam. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how it works:
Two young, pretty ladies come over as you are packing your shopping bags into your car. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and window cleaner, with their short-shorts revealing a bit of ass. (It's
impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride
to the bus station.
You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they undress. Then one of them starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet!
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 23rd, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, and 16th--and very likely again this coming weekend.
So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.
FYI: Bic G has wallets on sale for only 99 baht each. But I found even cheaper ones at the night market
for 69 baht.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the guard for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)
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This is alarming
Beer contains female hormones!
Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!
Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period. party12
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,
yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn't drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!!
TBWG sawadi
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Life as a senior
Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had
joined a parachute club.
She said "are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start
jumping out of airplanes?"
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a
membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five
jumps a week!
TBWG sawadi
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Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white guy says:
'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around! :o
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Really Funny Joke:
Thai Construction Worker
In a construction company, there were a French worker and a Thai worker working together. One morning, the boss comes out to give order to his workers.
He said to the French, “You are in charge of the cement.â€
Then he said to the Thai, “You are in charge of the supplies.â€
Then he said, “The work better be finished by the end of the day, or you will be fired.†After that he left the work to get their work done. The boss comes back at the end of the day. He inspections the cement work from the French worker, and he says, “Good jobâ€. Then he starts looking for the Thai guy, but he is no where to be found. He asks, “Where the heck is the Thai guy?â€
Suddenly, the Thai guy jumps out from a big pile of dirt and yells, “Suppliesâ€.
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You want me to smell WHAT??????
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y Raise
The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wan an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband say so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Jor husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh..'
Maria: 'The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.'
Wife: (really furious now) 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Señora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
jumping1
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Nice bag whistle
TBWG sawadi
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Or this one? party12
TBWG sawadi
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nice! you almost fooled me witht he underwear bag! bravo1
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George Micheal
Poor Georgios Panayiotou he has hardly had a chance to get used to his incarceration before they start taking the mickey out of him:
George Michael has been found in his cell with a chocolate bar up his arse. A Prison spokesperson said it was just a Careless Wispa… love5
TBWG sawadi
Makes a change from a Mars bar! thumbup
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Currently topical! nono
TBWG sawadi
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Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.
Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.
"What the f>>> are you doing Mick" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a
tractor". hahaha
TBWG sawadi
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:D :D confused4 thumbup Some joke I understand ... some not...but I like it...same this one too...
[attachment deleted by admin]
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:D :D confused4 thumbup Some joke I understand ... some not...but I like it...same this one too...
hahaha good one!! welcome back fun smile! fairydust
I hope you are feeling better now!! monkeydancing
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thank you Admin...I'm ok now...but busy at the Resort this week...
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pompom a good night in the cot makes all smile
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pompom a good night in the cot makes all smile
Hehehehe,,, yeah, happy ending party3 cheers party4
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good one i like it bravo1
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I havn't been here for long time so get these jokes......... Dual language jokes. grin
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Q: ลิฟท์จอดที่ชั้น 30 มีคนเข้าไปถึง 20 คน ลิฟท์ร้อง บี๊บ บี๊บ คนยังไม่ทันออกเลย สลิงก็ขาดเสียก่อน ปรากฏว่าไม่มีใครบาดเจ็บเลยสักคน ถามว่าเพราะอะไร?
An elevator stops at the 30th floor and 20 people get on. The elevator (is past the weight limit) and cries out *beep* *beep* but the people can't get off in time--the cable breaks first. Not one person was hurt. Why?
A: เพราะตายหมด
Because they all died.
This is sort of an unjoke, but there is a tiny modicum of wordplay involved. It depends on how you interpret บาดเจ็บ "hurt, injured." In the logic of the joke, if they're all dead, they're not injured. :P
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Q: อะไรเอ่ย เวลาเรายืนมันห้อย เวลาเราเดินมันแกว่ง?
What is it? When you stand it hangs; when you walk it swings?
A: แขน
Your arm.
This is a major theme among the type of joke known as อะไรเอ่ย--jokes with intentional innuendo but an innocuous punchline. The อะไรเอ่ย style joke is as well known in Thai as the "knock-knock joke" in English. And we have plenty of these อะไรเอ่ย-style jokes in English, usually with the structure "What ...", as in, "What's black and white and re(a)d all over?" (A newspaper, a sunburned penguin, etc.) We just don't have a category name for them like we do for knock-knock jokes. And English also has plenty with innuendo, too (but good taste restrains me from retelling them here).
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Q: ยายพายเรือไปทำบุญที่วัด ปรากฏว่าเรือรั่วและกำลังจะจม ยายต้องเสียสละทิ้งของ สองอย่างระหว่างปิ่นโตกับดอกไม้ ถามว่ายายจะเสียอะไรจึงจะไปถึงวัด แน่ๆ?
An old woman rows a boat to the temple to make merit. The boat has a leak and is about to capsize. The old woman has to decide between two things to throw overboard: a lunchbox* or a flower. What will the old woman sacrifice to make sure she gets to the temple?
A: เสียชีวิตสิ ถึงวัดแน่นอน
Her life. She'll get to the temple for sure!
The translation here works okay, although to sacrifice your life has a different connotation in English. Thai on the other hand has the common euphemism for die เสียชีวิต, to lose your life. The Thai word for sacrifice is เสียสละ, hence the joke.
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Q: พระใช้อะไรตีระฆัง?
What does a monk use to ring the temple bell?
A: ใช้เณร
A novice.
This is a play on ใช้, which means to use, but also to have someone do something for you (it doesn't carry the same inherently negative connotation as English, like, "you used me.") To say ผมใช้เขาไปซื้อของที่ตลาด is to say, roughly, "I sent him to buy things (for me) at the market." So in this case, what does a monk use to ring the temple bell? A novice--one of the young boy monks at the monastery. It's all about delegation.
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It was unavoidable, I had to see my ex-wife again. :'( For once she was quiet and did not bitch at me. confused1 Well one thing let to another and we were having sex, it was just like we had never separated. :happy:
Unfortunately the police were not amused as I was just there to identify her body. >:D
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Spot the deliberate mistake!
TBWG sawadi
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Spot the difference! winkboy
TBWG sawadi
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Check it out? smilenod
TBWG sawadi
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How to tell if a terrorist is at the airport! whistle
TBWG sawadi
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Hahahahaha nice to have my morning laugh : ) ....I enjoy it TBWG bravo1 party4
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What a goose!!!!! confused4
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What a goose!!!!! confused4
fairydust
Nils Holgerson - Titelsong (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q_cL_8vLbu8#)
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Rest Homes.....
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice.
'Have you got a license for that thing?'
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP!
Have you got proof of insurance?'
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him.
Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her,
Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel,
> 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!'
TBWG sawadi
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There is a lot of truth in this one:
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One day in the future, OJ Simpson has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
OJ thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," OJ said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented OJ.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, OJ saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
OJ looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said .. . . . .
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
TBWG sawadi
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This might just be an American Joke, but will give it a try:
If you have never seen the old time series with Jack Gleason called The Honeymooners you will not understand it.
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Males learn early:
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And never stop! thumbup
TBWG sawadi
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Can't take the chance:
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Can't take the chance:
hehehe.... monkeydancing funny one, it happens sometimes !!! gossip1
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When you walk out the door in the morning and see a sky like this ...
... just go back inside, have another cup of coffee and stay home. It's NOT going to be a good day. nono
TBWG sawadi
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At least it's sunny. bananadance
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Why Dogs attack their masters:
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A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night,
when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
"I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it
was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said,
Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially
raining or snowing.
As the official approached, the man said
"Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted:
"I know that felt like snow!", to which the man quietly replied,
"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear."
-
To avoid it... Flu that is
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the lift, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So...
I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell rude jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
As my grandmother always said,
'A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!'
Live Well -
Laugh Often -
Love Much
TBWG sawadi
-
A Newfoundlander walked into the local welfare office in Toronto to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a full-time job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is perfect. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual needs as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The Newfoundlander, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
-
Henry died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.
The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Henry '
The mortician thought this was rather strange.
So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.
Roll him over..'
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Henry '
The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'
Gomer said, 'Well, Henry had two assholes.'
'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.
'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:
'There's Henry with them two assholes.'
TBWG sawadi
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:D That's a good one. :D
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my first joke here. congrats
Logical Thinking
Two rednecks decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
The first went in to see the counselor, who recommended him to take history or logical thinking class.
“What’s logical thinking?†the first redneck asked.
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?â€
“I sure do.â€
“Then I can assume, using logical thinking, that you have a yard,†replied the professor.
“That’s real good!†said the redneck.
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.â€
Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!â€
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.â€
“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!â€
The redneck was catching on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,†said the professor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinating thing I ever heard! I can’t wait to take that logical thinking class!â€
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.
“So what class are ya taking’?†asked the friend.
“logical thinking class!†replied the first redneck.
“What the hell is logical thinking?†asked his friend.
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?†asked the first redneck.
“No,†his friend replied.
“You’re gay, ain’t ya?â€
-
Here a tale of a Brit moving to Australia.
August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.
October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bloody $800,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30. Stupid repairman.
November 8
If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?', I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!
November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!
November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!
November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!
December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
-
A Northern Territories (Oz) farm hand, radios back to the farm manager.
'Boss, I got one helluva problem here... I hit a ruddy pig with the truck. The pig seems OK, but he's stuck in the roo-bars on the front and is wriggling and squealing so blady much, ah can't get 'im out.
The manager says,'Ok, there's a ....303 Rifle behind the seat in the rack, take it, shoot the pig and you'll be able to remove it.'
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, 'I did what you said Boss. Took the gun, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on'.
'So what's the f**king problem na mate?' raged the Manager.'
Well boss, it's his motor-bike....it's stuck under the wheel arch and the bloody blue light won't stop flashing..'
'...........................................ullo - you still there Boss?
TBWG sawadi
-
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says
Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot
drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,
'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says,
'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET...
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'
TBWG sawadi
-
BIG PEOPLE WORDS
A group of primary school kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to their first year. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done.
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done?
'I read a book' he replied.
That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said.
'What book did you read?'
( I love this...)
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
TBWG sawadi
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I've just come out of the 'chippy' with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days'.
I told him 'I wish I had your bloody will power'
A fat bird served me food in McDonalds at lunch time, she said ' sorry about the wait '
I said ' don't worry fatso, you'll lose it eventually '
Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts,Murphy meets him & says
'if I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag, can I have one?
Paddy said ' if you can guess how many doughnuts are in there you can have both of them!!
Murphy says 'Four!'
The weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight,
I thought to myself ' she'll be bloody lucky with a face like that!'
Years ago it was suggested ' that an apple a day kept the doctor away
But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works a treat!
TBWG happy3
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See what's there? confused2
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See what's there? confused2
haaaaaa. I hate these photos, was very popular on the 90's. hahaha
all I can is 3-4 people standing on profile position..?! confused2
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Airplane Joke
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which
conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during
the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of
humor!
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as
submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance
engineers.
(P = the problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = the solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
-
Those Qantas guys have a great sence of humor :D
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See what's there? confused2
haaaaaa. I hate these photos, was very popular on the 90's. hahaha
all I can is 3-4 people standing on profile position..?! confused2
Nope, it's a single dog (or wolf, or coyote)
-
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader.'
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien
said, ' I'd calm down if I were you.'
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response.
Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew
his ray gun and said impatiently, 'Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!'
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't
want to do that! I really don't think you should make him mad'.
'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien.. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus
patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his
big, green head.
'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can loop
his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.
TBWG sawadi
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A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, 'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, ' B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada 's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.
TBWG sawadi
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Old Chinese Proverb
Confucius say,
"If you are in a book store and cannot find
The book for which you search, you are obviously
in the.....
TBWG sawadi
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The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memoryâ€. oldmanwithstick giggle
TBWG sawadi
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Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big
smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'
'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery, spent it all on whisky, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the Smile.'
The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'
'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O'Neil, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
'Thought he was having his picture taken'.
TBWG sawadi
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The Project of the Day at the Home for the Aged was, “Try to create something from memoryâ€. oldmanwithstick giggle
TBWG sawadi
happy3
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> BEST AUSSIE PICK UP LINE EVER:
>
> An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat
> next to a very attractive woman.
>
>
> He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
>
> The woman notices this and asks,
> 'Is your date running late?'
> 'No', he replies,
> 'I just got this state-of the-art
> watch, and I was just testing it..'
>
> The intrigued woman says,
> 'a state-of-the-art watch?
> ''What's so special about it?'
> The Aussie explains,
> 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me
> telepathically.'
> The lady says,
> 'What's it telling you now?'
>
> Well, it says you're not wearing any
> panties.'
> The woman giggles and replies
> 'Well it must be broken because
> I am wearing panties!'
>
> The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and
> says, ' Bloody thing's an hour fast!'
TBWG sawadi
>
>
>
>
-
Charades ............. giggle
TBWG sawadi
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:D
-
:)
It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo.
She's got on a close-fitting, lowcut, pink summer dress with spaghetti
straps.
As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large
gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.
He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.
The husband, noticing the apes excitement,
suggests that his wife tease the ape.
The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would wake the dead.
Then her husband suggests that she let
one of the straps of her dress slips down.
She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.
Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does.
This about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.
Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the
age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and
gleefully rubbing his hands together says:
"Now, tell him you have a headache."
-
Lord, they are finally together!
Joan got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer.
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Joan again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Joan finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret,
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel... her legs"
TBWG sawadi
-
> > The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
>
> > "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
> > "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
> >
> > "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
>
> > "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"
> >
> > Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
> >
> > "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
> >
> Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
> >
> > "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
> >
> > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
> >
> > Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army 150,000 since we last spoke."
> >
> > "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
> >
> > Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys From the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
> >
> Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
> >
> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
> >
> Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
> >
> > "Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
> >
> > "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
>
TBWG sawadi
-
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said
"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
--------- ---------
Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.
The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"
--------- --------- -
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters,hangs upside down and shouts
"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
--------- ---------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------------ -
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"
"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"
---------------------
Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
---------
Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
--------- --------- -
Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
--------- ---------
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"
Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
--------- --------- -
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
--------- --------- -
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
Paddy says "What's his name?"
Mick replies "Miles,from London !â€
TBWG sawadi
-
Here's my kind of kid:
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
Education....
A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.
“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.â€
The policeman asks, “Really?
And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?â€
“My wifeâ€, comes the reply.
-
Grandad and the Australian Taxation Office
The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
Don't Mess with Old People!
-
In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
.
A nurse noticed his predicament.
.
Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
.
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought.
Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
.
"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
.
MEN NEVER LISTEN
-
I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And when I am finished, you will be weak for days.
All my love,
The Flu
******
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot
-
Harley-Davidson Facts
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
-
THE GOLF ROBOT
A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."
The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."
The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."
The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.
The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."
Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.
Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."
A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."
The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."
"COMPLAINTS? Who could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"
The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."
The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"
The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two applied for welfare benefits, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President.
-
So many jokes today!!!!!! redman jumping8
-
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and shouted, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'
That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'
She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'
'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'
She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'
-
TBWG, where do you find these jokes.. :D(please don't answer, I like to read them here now and then)
-
Trivial Pursuit
Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?
Answers are below.
1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button..
3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.
4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.
5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!
6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.
7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.
8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.
9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.
10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.
11. The average housefly lives for one month.
12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.
13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.
14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.
15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.
16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.
17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.
18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.
19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'
20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.
21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.
22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.
23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.
24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.
25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.
26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.
(Scroll down for answer.)
They are ALL true ..... Now go back and think about #16.
TBWG sawadi
-
Ole and Sven were fishing in the Wisconsin season opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.
'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
' Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
'Could I see him?'
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.
Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master Vill you grant me vun vish?'
'Ya, shure, ya betcha,' says the Genie.
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"
-
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
-
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'>
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
-
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife
was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're
beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
-
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had
sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like
a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man
and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting
senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a
pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..>
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man
replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Humor
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage
certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'>
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
----------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
----------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense
of humour!'
________________________________
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round
the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name
Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with
the housework..
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
-
For those that cannot read my Avatar:
And saw this, a classic
slapfight
[attachment deleted by admin]
-
TEACHER: IF I GAVE YOU 2 CATS, AND ANOTHER 2 CATS AND ANOTHER 2, how many
will you have?
Johnny: Seven Sir
Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and
another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven
Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you 2 apples, and
another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?
Johnny: Six
Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2,
how many will you have?
Johnny: Seven!!!
Very angry Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?
Very angry Johnny: Because I dam have one at home already!!!
-
Morning Sex Cry
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs
and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally
slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said
softly," You've got to make love to me this very moment!"
My eyes lit up and I thought, "I'm either still dreaming or this is
going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced
her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt
still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked " What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
-
Something to offend everyone
I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and he injected that special resin into her crack.....................she hasn't even got a car!!
I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Aunt’s dinner I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom.
" Holy F**k" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!
Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.
A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus", the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies, "No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."
*** Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" .. The girl said "No" and she lived happily ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.
Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the world. Told them to " F**k Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!
Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.
Turned on my SatNav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think " I'm f**king having that!"
Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him, "Where am I?" The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b'stard, you're in that feckin basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?
-
*WHAT A REAL WOMAN DOES*
A real woman is a man's best friend. She will never stand him up and never let him down. She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret. She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait... Sorry... I'm thinking of beer.
That's what beer does...
Never mind.
hahaha
-
London Taxi driver
A stark naked drunken woman jumped into a vacant taxi at a London Cab Rank.
The Indian driver was immediately upset and just kept staring at the woman.
He makes no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you, luv, haven't you seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady I am telling you, that would not be proper,
where I am coming from".
"Well if your not bloody staring at me luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping
the money to be paying me with."
___________________________
Yesterday morning I saw a radical Muslim ranting on about Western aggression
in the peace loving Islamic paradise of Afghanistan, lose his footing and
fall into the Yarra River. Being a responsible citizen I notified the
emergency services.
By noon today they still hadn't arrived. I'm beginning to think I've wasted
a frigging stamp!
___________________________
QUOTE FOR THE DAY
God created the orgasm so that women can moan even when they are happy.
--------
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart! "
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
--------
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
"You dumb-arse," she says, "The dog's got no money to buy a paper!"
___________________________
A Pakistani was shot with a starting pistol at the Commonwealth Games.
Police say the attack was definitely race related.
___________________________
Bloke in a night club sees a big fat girl at the bar, he walks up to her and
asks; "Have you got a pen?"
She looks up and smiles and says; "...Yes!"
"Well..." he says; "...you'd better f**k off back to it then before the
farmer finds you missing."
___________________________
A little guy is sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down
in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as the little guy
bursts into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to
see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy.
"I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting, and my Boss fired me. When
I went to the car park, I found my car stolen and I don't have any
insurance, I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed
with the milk man and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy
a drink, drop the cyanide in it and while I sit here watching the poison
dissolve; a smart arse like you shows up and drinks the whole fu....g
thing!"
-
A Woman's Poem
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shit out of him....
Like his mother used to do.
******************************************
I love a good poem, don't you?!?!
-
Three corpses turn up at the mortuary, all with very
> big
> > smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to
> tell
> > them what has happened.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of
> heart
> > failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress.
> Hence
> > the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won
> $50,000 on
> > the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol
> > poisoning, hence the smile.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual
> one.
> > Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'He thought he was having his photo taken'.
-
> > IRISH DIET
> >
> >
> > An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put
> him
> > on a diet.
> >
> > 'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
> > day,then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a
> day
> > ...... And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
> > The next time I see you, you should have lost at least
> 5
> > pounds.'
> >
> > When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by
> having
> > lost nearly 60lbs!
> >
> > 'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you
> follow my
> > instructions?'
> >
> > The Irishman nodded ...
> > 'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going
> to
> > drop dead on dat 3rd day.'
> >
> > 'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
> >
> > 'No, from the f**kin' skippin'
-
The Origin Of Yodelling
Many, many years ago, a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.
Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.
The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.
The farmer's daughter spotted the man, and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"
The farmer replied, "That's a fellow traveling through, and he needs a place to stay for the night ... so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'
The daughter thought, "He looks like a nice man, and he's probably hungry."
So she prepared a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.
About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled, her top buttoned incorrectly, and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.
The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested to the farmer, that perhaps the man might need a drink as well. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn.
She too, did not return for an hour. When she did, her clothing was askew, and her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.
The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up, and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.
When the daughter awoke shortly after, and learned that the visitor was gone, she burst into tears.
"How could he leave, without even saying goodbye??" she cried. "We made such passionate love last night, and he told me he loved me!!"
"What?!", shouted the father. He ran out of the house angrily looking for the man... who by now, was halfway up the nearby mountain.
The farmer screamed up at him, "You mongrel! You screwed my daughter and left her, without as much as a goodbye!'
The traveller looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hands over his mouth, and yelled out.......
"ILAIDYOUROLADEETOO!!"
-
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped
in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off
her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and
did not want to ruin them.
She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath
with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned That his
normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her @ss that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!!!!''
-
hahaha hahaha good one !!
-
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything insight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He order a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" He asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."
-
Subject: FW: Friendly Holiday Advice
>
>
>
> Friendly Holiday Advice
>
> Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted
> by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates
> that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.
>
> This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink
> coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and piss like that.
>
> Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times
> as many accidents.
>
> This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.
>
-
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,
but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
-
I was called by a charity trying to get my old clothes for the Starving people in Africa. I said:
"The hell with you, if they fit my clothes they are not starving!"
-
Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.
"What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.
"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick. "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!
-
I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today to have my annual check up.
She said I would have to stop masturbating, I said why? nono
She said ~~~ because I am trying to examine you!
TBWG sawadi
-
WHERE WOULD YOU BE:
IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?
IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?
IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU
IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?
IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?
IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?
SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?
Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!! YOU'D BE at THE WRONG F**KIN' HOUSE!
-
Has This Ever Happened To You?
He held me strongly but gently just above my elbow and led me into a room, his room. The door was quietly shut and we were alone!
He approached me without making a sound from behind then spoke in a low but reassuring voice very near to my ear. "Just relax and be calm".
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.
When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."
My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."
-
The Polite Way To Pee
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
The teacher fainted.
-
Little girl on a plane. How true it is
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?" and, then she went back to reading her book.
-
Blonde Phone Call
"Hi Mom, How are you?"
"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
Hardware"
"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"
"What happened?"
"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."
"What on earth ~ why did you do that ?????"
"Well it wasn't my fault.Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."
A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, she does.
After she's finished, the biker says,
"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
-
A man was walking his runningdog through the graveyard when he saw anouther man crouching behind a gravestone "morning" he said. The other man replies, no, just having a shit oldmanwithstick
-
A chap was in court for various sexual affences and the converstion with the judge went something like this: cheergirl
Judge To the man: Right you are accused of having indecent sexual realations with the Butcher ,The vicar,The store keeper,and the woman next door,How do you Plead?
Man: Not guilty You honour (Quietly)
Judge To the man: Speak up I cant hear you.
Man: Not guilty You honour (Quietly)
Judge To the man: Speak up man I cant hear you,whats the matter with you?
Man: I have a sore throat.
Judge To the man: Have you tried Sucking a Fishermans friend?
Man to the judge: Dont you think i'm in enough trouble already!!!!!!!!
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-
Fat Guy on the Beach ::) ....FAIL :laugh:
-
A little boy asks his dad : whats between mom’s legs?
The father answers : paradise, my son
The kid asks again : whats between your legs?
The father replies: the key to the paradise
The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!
-
pic
-
Berlusconi fail
-
SEX AT 73!
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 73!
I'm so happy, because I live at number 67..... so it's not far to walk home afterwards!