Buriram Expats
Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: TBWG on July 28, 2010, 08:58:16 PM
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Hi Bums
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. oldmanwithstick giggle
TBWG sawadi
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:D hahaha :D
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:D hahaha :D
I also think. great joke. redbite GIVE ME MORE! iconurgent
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Hi Bums
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much...
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest tits. bananadance bananadance bananadance
Men are like that, you know.
TBWG sawadi
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Hi Bums
Hope your Tax man is not like this!!!!!
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the Tax Office agent was checking the books he turned to the CEO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when
there's too little left to be of any use?" "Good question," noted the CEO.
"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" "Ah, yes," replied the CEO, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question . "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CEO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CEO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick." ;D
TBWG sawadi
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:D hahaha :D
I also think. great joke. redbite GIVE ME MORE! iconurgent
OK Bums
A husband says to his wife, "what would you do if I won the Lottery?"
She says,
"I'd take half, then leave you."
"Excellent," he replies,
"I won £12 , here's £6 - now F**k off!" crazydance
TBWG sawadi
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Hi Bums ~~~In Your Dreams... wildman
Two old drunks are sitting in a bar when the first one says,"Ya know, when I was thirty and got an erection, I couldn't bend it, even using both hands.
By the time I was forty, I could bend it about ten degrees if I tried really hard.
By the time I was fifty, I could bend it about forty five degrees, no problem.
I'm gonna be sixty next week and now I can bend it in half with just one hand."
"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"
"Well, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get.†giggle
TBWG sawadi
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You're on a roll TBWG, bring it on... party10
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You're on a roll TBWG, bring it on... party10
Will Do!
Tim was at school today and the teacher asked all the kids what their dads did for a job.
Kids yelled Fireman, chippy, plumber etc.... but Tim kept his mouth shut - so the teacher asked him 'Tim what does your father do for a job'
"My dad dances in a gay club and takes of his clothes for the men.
If they pay enough, he will go out with a man, rent a hotel room and sleep with them."
The teacher sent the other kids out to lunch and took Tim aside to ask if that was true.
'No' said Tim "He plays for England , but I was too embarrassed to say. footballscarf
TBWG sawadi
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Barry and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as Aircraft mechanics in Melbourne .
One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'
Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.
You wanna try it?'
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'
Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'
Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'
Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.'
'Yeah, well there's just one thing.'
'What's that?'
'Have you farted yet?'
'No.'
'Well, DON'T, ' cause I'm in Perth '
TBWG sawadi
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Sound Familiar? confused3
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T
I used to like Eric. chairhit
TBWG sawadi
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Hi Bums ~~~ more.....
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
" Tuk ... Tuk "
"Is that you, Somchai?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of somtam). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"
"Oh, Somchai are you in Heaven?"
"No............I'm a rabbit in Surin! crazydance
TBWG sawadi
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More bananadance
The Mamasan opened the brothel door in Bangkok and saw a rather dignified, well - dressed, good-looking man in his mid fifties
"May I help you sir?" she asked ..
"I want to see Som" the man replied ..
"Sir,Som is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
"No, I must see Som," he replied..
Just then, Som appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Som, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left..
The next night, the man appeared again,
once more demanding to see Som.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive. There were no discounts. The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Som, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Som and they went upstairs.
After their session, Som said to the man "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row.
Where are you from?"
The man replied, " Korat ."
"Really", she said.
"I have family in Korat ."
"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I ' m her solicitor. I was instructed to deliver your $15,000 inheritance in person."
The moral of the story:
Three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer confused4
TBWG sawadi
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:D hahaha :D
I also think. great joke. redbite GIVE ME MORE! iconurgent
Here goes ~~~
A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.
They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.
She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.
It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.
Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.
So they buried Deirdre. confused4
TBWG sawadi
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party10
Brilliant
last one was the best
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Hi All
Subject: The Decision
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite countertops."
TBWG sawadi
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party10
Brilliant
last one was the best
This is bound to offend someone!
In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a multi story block of flats. A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all six died in the fire.
An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.
Six Maori ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.
Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.
One white couple lived on the top floor. They survived.
Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief.
On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple
survived.
The fire chief quietly replied, "They were both at work." hahaha
TBWG sawadi
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Another one for you bums ~~~~~
Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:
1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.
2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.
4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.
5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.
TBWG sawadi
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All The Guys on This Side
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says, "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is understandably silent.
He then, chugs back another beer and says, "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherfuckers! Anyone got a problem with that?"
Everyone is silent, again.
Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk toward the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar!"
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.'
He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.'
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, 'That was incredible!'
He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.'
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?'
'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Liverpool but I worked both sides of the Mersey.
TBWG sawadi
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great joke!! redman