As promised details of my superhuman achievements.................... party3
Chapter 33 vol nine. act 1 (Boat races)
Whilst browsing the internet I came across a post looking for victims, sorry volunteers for Satuk Boat races. The idea being to fill up 2 of the 7seater boats with farangs to put on a race so that the Thais could witness our utter humiliation for their entertainment.
Now bearing in mind that the boss lady thinks I am retarded and have no sense or imagination I replied to the post saying that if needed I was available providing I could sit down in the boat and not kneel, that would be a real no-no as my knees are well past their sell by date.
They replied saying that you sit down and all were welcome and that he had pledges to almost fill 2 boats, what I did not realize was that he was press ganging farangs in the local market and anyone with a pulse was considered fair game!
The 2 teams were to be sponsored by Meuanfun Resort and Satuk Floating Restaurant, now bearing in mind I only live about 200 meters from the floating restaurant and in my time must have consumed my own weight in prawns and enough Chang to float a dragon boat I felt that they deserved my best efforts.
So a couple of days before the start of practice a meeting was arranged to discuss our tactics, This consisted of the organiser (Arthur) a fit looking young Frenchman and myself and Peter a German guy, neither of us in our first flush of youth! Hardly the 14 needed to fill 2 boats. Still Arthur was relaxed he knew of lots of able bodied farangs coming from Pattaya and the restaurant had 3 definites, it was agreed that we would all meet at the Chinese Temple (good omen) by the river at 11.00am to start 2 days of practice. So now down to the important bit, arranging for the cheerleaders and groupies. Now Arthur was rather vague in this area but assured me they would be plentiful! party8
What I should point out at this stage is that to say I am a weak swimmer is an understatement, but what the heck in the years of watching dragon boats I have never seen one sink so no problem there. By now the farang race team rumours have got back to the boss lady who mentioned in passing that surely nobody was stupid enough to do that sort of thing, Oh dear!
Well it is 11.00am on the Thursday I am at the Chinese Temple and there is a distinct lack of farangs. The 3 definites from the restaurant are no shows, but there is Arthur, Peter & myself, the fit young French guy has clearly had second thoughts, but then they all start to drift in a couple of Americans, Rex & Walter. Lars a fit looking Norwegian and another Brit Alan. Well at least we can fill 1 boat!
The obvious should now be pointed out the average Thai guy probably has a waist of 28†and weighs under 70 kilos. The archetypal farang is 100 kilos plus and a darn sight more than 28†waist. Now these boats have about 2†freeboard (that’s the distance between the water and the top off the boat for any landlubbers out there) so (a) we can only sit in the widest part of the boat (middle) and (b) get seven farangs in it and the only place you are going is under!
So luckily the lack of bodies is no problem, however the lack of boats is! Apparently we are borrowing other team’s boats and have to fit in around their schedules, they are looking rather apprehensive and I suspect regretting being so generous. We now stand around for 3 hours waiting for the opportunity to show off!
The boats are now available and we fit in 4 farangs, a keen sense of balance is a great help something which we seem to be lacking. Anyway the crew make up for any lack of skill with enthusiasm and push of with gusto only to go 3 meters and sink! It is at this point that I am beginning to have second thoughts and am truly grateful for the Thai size life jacket that I have just about managed to squeeze into. Still at least the water is warm!
Right so down to 3 farangs and a more cautious start, this time 6 meters before we go under, humm the prospects are not looking good! So now we put a Thai in to steer and give us some guidance as we obviously need it. Well, gently does it and we eventually get a rhythm going and actually complete the course to much applause and abuse from the Thai crowds who have all come to see the suicidal farangs. Well now comes the difficult bit turning the boat and paddling against the current, by no stretch of the imagination are we in control and are struggling to make headway, our erratic path takes us in amongst the trees which are partially submerged due to the flooding and this is where we run aground! Still at least this gives us a breather as the Thai guy jumps out and hauls us back into deeper water, all that remains to be done now is get back across the river without capsizing which at this point is several hundred meters wide. Well we made it and that must have been the longest half mile ever and I am absolutely bu****ed.
The other team are now looking rather worried but with the benefit of watching our mistakes manage a trouble free run but have taken on rather a lot of water. Everybody is now fit to drop so we agree to meet again at 9.00 the next day for more desperately needed practice. Time to adjourn to the beer tent! blinkbar Later a visit to the local Thai massage establishment is needed to get my limbs back into working order.
Well more exciting bits to follow in the next installment :ph34r:
Let's have a bit of a response from all those lurkers out there ..come on you must do something other than sitting around drinkking beer and watching women? party13
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Not sure this can be classed as a sporting event ...but I need something to pad this out as I am running out of ideas. As far as I am concerned the sweat and effort that went into the ride deserve a gold medal. Or even better a bottle of beer so all you fans feel free to leave a bottle of Archa (paid for) in the fridge at Red Ribbon and I'll consume it on my return in October.
Chapter 32 vol six. act VI
Join us on our Sunday bike ride was casually dropped into the conversation whilst having a few beers with some farang buddies. We just have a slow tour of the local villages stopping for a beer now and again, Hmm, why not I can use my stepsons bike and the exercise will do me good.
So in anticipation I started using stepson’s bike for local trips to get used to a zillion gears and a saddle that at a push you could use to shave with, but at least it has some suspension on it which is more than can be said for my trusty sit up and beg Mary Poppins job.
After a few days I am quietly confident as I begin to rack up the kilometers and feel all the better for it despite the saddle!
So it’s eleven o’clock on Sunday morning and my 2 buddies turn up and ask the boss lady if I can come out to play.
Now this was pretty good timing as she was just about to loose it in a big way over my inability to open a rice sack without resorting to a pair of scissors. Didn’t I know that it ruins the bag and I can’t use it for storing more bags in… Huh?!… Even little kids know just to pull that elusive string and hey presto open sesame! Now it’s not for the want of trying but whichever string I pull the same result ….nothing happens. Every time I go to the rice shop I ask the attractive teenage girls to give me advice on which one to pull, string that is and they can’t understand my inability to grasp such a simple task.
The boss lady now jumps at the opportunity of seeing the back of her retarded farang husband for a few hours and positively pushes me out of the gate. So far so good! out with a few mates the opportunity for a beer or 2 and the chance to annoy a few unsuspecting local’s. What more could one ask.
Off we set at a fairly brisk pace to skirt the local lakes which just happen to have a nice selection of bars scattered round them. It appears that they already have a method of picking which bar to frequent i.e. the one with the most numerous attractive teenage girls in, now you can’t argue with that.
It was half way through my beer that It came out in conversation that the previous Sunday they had covered 70 odd kilometers! However this week nothing like that was envisaged as one of their wives had suggested a circular route that would eventually bring us back onto the main road leading to town. (It transpires that the wives often suggested routes so that they could come out and check up on them mid afternoon). This had the effect of them riding off in the opposite direction!
But today we would take up their suggestion, so off we set further round the lakes, I should have suspected something when we had to cross some sort of concrete dyke but the water was only about 10 inches deep and thankfully warm! The so called farm track that we where supposed to follow was initially just that but after a few kilometers it petered out a bit and had an occasional hole big enough to swallow a small Volkswagen. We also came across the odd local who looked on in bewilderment at the sight of 3 farangs on bikes miles from anywhere some of them were gesticulating and shouting encouragement.
The ground now had a black crust on it and had obviously been underwater in the wet season and smelt none to pleasant but at least you could ride on it without too much difficulty, which is more than can be said for the sand which soon replaced it. Well now it was get off and push time but with know obvious direction to take, it was decided to send someone onto high ground on foot to scan the area. Bearing in mind that high ground was only about 1 foot higher this did nothing but confirm that we where lost with no obvious way forward. We now agreed that the only way forward was back, huh? and that the locals we had passed where not shouting encouragement but more along the lines of where do you daft buggers think your going.
So after 18 kms and the best part of 2 hours we are nearly back where we started, I am already knackered and it is bloody hot but at least the next beer is not too far away. They ask if I am alright and I say no problem (male ego getting the better of commonsense) So over the next beer we decide to stick to a well travelled route and was I up for it? No problem mate (male ego getting…etc).
Off we go again but this time on proper roads and at a reasonable speed, now one of the bikes has a gizmo on it that tells you how far you have gone, average speed, top speed and how many calories burnt off …fortunately it does not tell you how many you have put on due to beer consumption. We pass lots of locals in the fields who all shout greetings and the Thai equivalent of “Where you go†to which we are obliged to reply and wave.
Now I am beginning to lag a bit and my legs are feeling second hand but I refuse to admit it and focus on the next beer stop. As no attractive teenage girls are at this stop the conversation turns to how much slower they are this week averaging only 13km per hour rather than the usual 18 odd and was I still OK, no problem says I. (male ego getting…etc).
Off we go again and to save this getting repetitive I’ll miss out the next couple of beer stops suffice to say that by now I am absolutely shagged, my arse is red raw I’m fairly pissed and my legs are under someone else’s control cause they are certainly not doing what my brain is telling them too! On top of that because of my slow pace nightfall is now rapidly approaching and we are still some 10kms from home with no lights!!
We decide to make for one of their house’s which happens to be 5kms nearer, do I want him to phone his wife and get her to pick me up on the motorsai. No way I might be only semi conscious but I am determined to go the distance. (male ego getting…etc).
Well that last 5 kms was tough going, the locals now shouting encouragement as I wandered all over the road where greeted by me with a get stuffed or silence. Sheer bloody mindedness got me the last few kms where I then reluctantly agreed that it was not sensible for me to ride any further due to lack of lights.
So 7 hours and 55.4 kms later at an average 13 odd kms per hour I finally arrive home on the back of a strange females motorsai only to be greeted by the boss lady who was organizing a family search party to go out and find her stupid farang husband!
I then vaguely recall getting one hell of an earbashing, but quite frankly I could not care less I just wanted a shower and my bed, the last thing I recall before drifting off into a blissful 15 hour sleep was that neither of my so called mates had even broken into a sweat despite one of them being considerably older than me!
Buddha I luv Thailand
What's the matter with all you shy lurkers, I know that my achievements are hard to surpass happy3 but why don't you give it a try or at least congratulate me on what a splendid chap I am party8