Buriram Expats

Buriram Province - General Category => Riddles, puzzles and brain teasers, Music, ENTERTAINMENT!!! => Topic started by: Tassie on February 16, 2017, 06:40:12 AM

Title: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 16, 2017, 06:40:12 AM
A Funny true Story from the Australian Gas Company

In March 1999 a man living in Kandos (near Mudgee in NSW, Australia) received a bill for his as yet unused gas line stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away as anybody might.

In April he received another bill and threw that one away too.

The following month the gas company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his gas line if he didn't send them $0.00 by return mail. He called them, talked to them, and they said it was a computer error and they would take care of it.

The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome gas line figuring that if there was usage on the account it would put an end to this ridiculous predicament.

However, when he went to use the gas, it had been cut off. He called the gas company who apologised for the computer error once again and said that they would take care of it. The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Assuming that having spoken to them the previous day the latest bill was yet another mistake, he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00. This bill also stated that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally, giving in, he thought he would beat the gas company at their own game and mailed them a cheque for $0.00. The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the gas company nothing at all.

A week later, the manager of the Mudgee branch of the Westpac Banking Corporation called our hapless friend and asked him what he was doing writing cheque for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank manager replied that the $0.00 cheque had caused their cheque processing software to fail. The bank could therefore not process ANY cheques they had received from ANY of their customers that day because the cheque for $0.00 had caused the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the gas company claiming that his cheque had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00 and unless he sent a cheque by return mail they would take immediate steps to recover the debt.

At this point, the man decided to file a debt harassment claim against the gas company. It took him nearly two hours to convince the clerks at the local courthouse that he was not joking.

They subsequently helped him in the drafting of statements which were considered substantive evidence of the aggravation and difficulties he had been forced to endure during this debacle.

The matter was heard in the Magistrate's Court in Mudgee and the outcome was this:

The gas company was required to:-

[1] Immediately rectify their computerised accounts system or Show cause, within 10 days, why the matter should not be referred to a higher court for consideration under Company Law.

[2] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by the man.

[3] Pay the bank dishonour fees incurred by all the Westpac clients whose cheques had been bounced on the day our friend's had been processed.

[4] Pay the claimant's court costs; and

[5] Pay the claimant a total of $1500 per month for the 5 month period March to July inclusive as compensation for the aggravation they had caused their client to suffer.

And all this over $0.00.
 'You just could not make it up.'
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 18, 2017, 08:14:17 PM

Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of
the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting, so I knew I
made it home OK!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 18, 2017, 10:38:53 PM
An old Australian battler lies dying in his bed. He calls over Shirley, his faithful wife of 60 years, and says, "Shirl, when we started out, tried to buy a business in the depression, went bust: you were with me"
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
Then the war started, I joined up, and was sent to the front line, where I lost me legs. You stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce" she says.
"Then, came home, couldn't get a job, due to me disability, and bought a farm."
"Oh, yes, Bruce", she says.
"The farm flooded, then just when we got over that, there was a bush fire, and then the drought, which wiped us right out: you still stayed with me."
"Oh yes, Bruce,"
"Now here I am, in excruciating pain, about to die, useless and you're still with me."
"Yes Bruce."
"Shirl."
"Yes, Bruce?"
"You're bloody bad luck"
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 18, 2017, 10:46:45 PM
In the beginning God created day and night. He created day for footy matches, going to the beach and barbies. He created night for going prawning, sleeping and barbies. God saw that it was good.
Evening came and morning came and it was the second Day.

On the Second Day God created water - for surfing, swimming and barbies on the beach. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Third Day.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants - to provide tobacco, malt and yeast for beer and wood for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fourth Day.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Fifth Day.

On the Fifth day God created a bloke - to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at barbies. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Sixth Day.

On the Sixth Day God saw that this bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with. So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes. God saw that it was good. Evening came and morning came and it was the Seventh Day.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes, smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God saw that it was good. well almost good. God saw that the blokes were tired and needed a rest.

So God created Sheilas - to clean the house, bear children, wash, cook and clean the barbie. God saw that it was not just good, it was better than that, it was bloody great!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: urleft on February 18, 2017, 11:54:59 PM
 How does every Aussie joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.

 What is the Australian animal that most resembles the Australian male?
The wombat, because he eats, roots, and leaves.

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation?
Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

A Kiwi, an Englishman, and an Australian walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of bloody joke?"

Why did the manager hire the marsupial? Because he was koala-fied.

What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
Snot.

How many Australian men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's a woman's job.

Why do kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because their children play inside.

What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
One less drunk at the funeral

Why did the wombat cross the road?
To see its flat mate

Why isn't the Australian national football team allowed to own a dog?
Because they can't hold on to a lead.

When is a bear not a bear?
If he doesn't have the right koalifications.

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato!

What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
He fell out of the tree

Why do Australian football players do so well in math?
They know how to use their heads.

What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.

How do you apologize to a koala?
BEAR your heart and soul.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia?
He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

How does a kangaroo pick his favorite rugby team?
He jumps on the bandwagon.

What does an Australian politican have in common with an Aussie pornstar's mouth?
They're both full of shit.

What kind of music do kangaroos listen to?
Hip Hop Australians don't have sex, Australians mate.

Religious Australian Cowboy A devout Australian cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a kangaroo walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth.
The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the kangaroos mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!"
"Not really," said the kangaroo. "Your name is written inside the cover."

Fishing Buddies A Kiwi and an Aussie went fishing one afternoon and decided to have a couple of cold beers.
After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi, "If I was to sneak over to your house and made wild passionate love to your wife while you were at work, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?"
The Kiwi after a great deal of thought, says, "Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even."

A Girl In Sydney Two men in a bar. One says "A girl I met in Sydney gave me a sexually transmitted disease". His mate replies "you were lucky, in Darwin you would have had to pay for it!"

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/australianjokes/australianjokes.html (http://www.jokes4us.com/ethnicjokes/australianjokes/australianjokes.html)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 19, 2017, 07:36:27 AM
An elderly Aboriginal couple are crossing a road on a pedestrian crossing on the fringe of a country town when a drunken, Redneck hoon in a four-wheel drive screams over the hill at 150 kph in a 60 kph zone and strikes them. One Aborigine is thrown violently through the air and lands 50 metres away in the bush. The other is also thrown into the air - but crashes through the windscreen, landing on the vehicle's back seat.

"Er, Er, will there be any charges, mate?", slurs the tattooed vegie slumped behind the wheel to the policeman who arrives at the scene. "My bloody oath", says the cop. "We'll charge the one in the bush with leaving the scene of an accident without giving his name and address, and we'll get the one on the back seat on breaking and entering."
Regards   
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 24, 2017, 06:40:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on March 13, 2017, 08:20:36 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on May 01, 2017, 01:21:00 PM
My husband and i were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them unchaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.

Because i didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, i explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother. A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.

"Sorry it took so long but the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and i had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so i grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat arse down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not crap in the vegetable garden again."

The silence in the taxi was deafening....
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on May 15, 2017, 12:40:15 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 17, 2017, 02:41:55 PM
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 29, 2017, 05:44:15 PM
Jehovah Witnesses Had A Bad Day


www.youtube.com/watch?v=vXwABgoiCa0
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 30, 2017, 02:59:59 PM
Bruce the Aussie builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it. She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."

The builder went to the front door and yelled, "GREEN SIDE UP!"  When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red. The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

 When he came back, the woman said "I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell 'green side up' - what is that for?" The builder said, "Don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Kiwis laying the turf out front."
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: tommynew on July 30, 2017, 06:14:34 PM
That was irishmen in its last life
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 30, 2017, 06:31:34 PM
About 27% of the convicts that came to Australia were Irish, so I suppose great talent always rises to the top, especially turf layers. Remember Australia is situated "Down Under" so I expect that the NZ turf layers may have been confused being Irish as they are.There are roughly 600,000 New Zealanders today of Irish ancestry.  I love the Irish.
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 04, 2017, 10:54:09 PM
The two Ronnies = By The Sea
When comedy was clean and clever.
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=_p3TujQ4cko&list=RDzGYGkDP2pWg&index=4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 15, 2017, 08:03:30 AM
Open All Hours - s01e06 - Apples And Self Service
Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=HVFtyGAYaEw
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 18, 2017, 05:24:22 PM
The Two Ronnies: Drunken Wedding Speech
Regards
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BiP_vysgU5E
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: urleft on August 19, 2017, 07:59:08 AM
FAMOUS QUIPS

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ?Lillian, you should have
remained a virgin.?
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - ?No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.?
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea.
Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you?ll become happy;
if you get a bad one,
you?ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can?t buy you happiness ....
But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP!
- Joe Namath

I don?t feel old. I don?t feel anything until noon. Then it?s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don?t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it?s true that life begins at fifty,
but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he?s too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist?s diet:
if it tastes good spit it out
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 21, 2017, 07:21:42 AM
The Two Ronnies The Australians
Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6fDrCEDBm-U ttps

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 21, 2017, 09:24:06 AM
Australian Cane Toads
Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3ENUqV5-bw
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 21, 2017, 09:50:24 AM
King Billy Cokebottle (Goat)
Regards


www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGnPbKbuqfU
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: rufusredtail on August 21, 2017, 07:13:34 PM
This just shows we must not believe in google absolutely!
 
Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......!

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'
She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said?..
 
                               
"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 30, 2017, 05:52:24 AM
I just bought a Chinese concrete pump and it uses no electricity or fuel.
Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z_xruKwSR9A
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 01, 2017, 04:35:54 PM
An old man lived alone in Tasmania. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Jase, who used to help him, was in prison.  The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.   
Dear Jase,   I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won?t be able to plant my potato garden this year; I?m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love Dad.   
A few days later he received a letter from his son.   
Dear Dad,   For heaven?s sake, don?t dig up that garden, that?s where I buried the BODIES. Love Jase.   
At 4A.M. the next morning, the Federal Police and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.   
Dear Dad.   Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It?s the best I could do under the circumstances. Love Jase.
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 02, 2017, 03:12:39 PM

 
A destroyer stops four Muslims in a rowboat rowing towards London.
The Captain gets on the loudhailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Illegals puts down his oar, stands up, and shouts, "We are invading England, To proclaim Sharia Law and to reap the social security benefits." The entire crew of the destroyer doubled-over in laughter.
 
When the Captain is finally able to catch his breath, he gets back on the loud-hailer and asks, "Just the four of you?"
 
The same illegal Muslim cue jumper stands up again and shouts, "No, we're the last four. The rest are already there!"
 
 
 
 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 13, 2017, 06:32:57 AM
Talking dog for sale $10
A number of years ago when I was working at a Sydney newspaper as a printer, I noticed a new ad in the for sale Pets section of the paper.  It said. "Talking dog for sale $10." I finished work at 2 am in the morning and out of curiosity I copied the contact phone number in the Ad.
It was about 5am in the morning when I called the number of the dig owner. 
I apologized to the owner for the early wakeup call and asked him where I could see the dog as I wanted to be the first to see it.
By good chance the owner lived only a 5 minutes drive by car from my house.  At the arranged time at 7 am in the morning I arrived at the dog owners house and knocked on the front door.  After initial greetings the owner led me to the lounge room.
It was there that I saw the dog sitting in a recliner chair wearing reading glasses and thumbing through the morning's newspaper. On the side table was a hot cup of coffee which I was told later, by the owner, was a ritual the dog performed every morning to help him wake up.
To test if what I was seeing was legit I said, "Good day mate" surprisingly the dog lowered the paper looked up at me and said. "Good morning sir". How is it that you can speak perfect English, I asked?  Well you see it all started out when I was a pup.  My mother who was a bitch had a litter of 8 pups of which I was one of them.  It turned out I had a gift and was the only pup out of the litter that could speak English.
Well, as I got older I was able to land a job as a spy with the CIA.  I would attend diplomatic dinners and meeting with foreign dignitaries, just walk around listening to all the secret discussions taking place and of course relay what was said back to my controllers.  I did this without suspicion because I was only thought of as a dumb dog.
I had this job for a number of years and despite all the very best steaks and food I decided that I had had enough and resigned.
I then met a real bitch and had a litter of pups with her but I got bored with her as her tits began to sag and all she could do was bark at me.  Once gain I thought enough is enough and bummed around for a while until I met my current owner.
I then turned to the owner amazed at the conversation I just had with the talking dog and asked him, "Why are you selling this dog for only $10?"  He said, "Because he is a F---n liar, he did none of this."

Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 13, 2017, 07:06:33 AM
Rodney Rude at McDonalds
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=U705EAx70Cw
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on October 02, 2017, 12:33:24 AM
Tribute to Ronnie Barker Quick Indian Cooking
Regards


www.youtube.com/watch?v=I1EHbYInX6I
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on October 12, 2017, 04:56:16 AM
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of discomfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The Engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this Engineer is going to come up with next."

God is horrified. "What? You've got an Engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all Engineers go to Heaven. Send him up here! "

Satan says, "No way. I like having an Engineer on the staff.
I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him up here or I'll sue."

"Yeah, right," Satan laughs,
"and where are you going to get a lawyer?"
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on October 23, 2017, 06:11:39 AM
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THEAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION ABOUT MR. GORSKY TO ARMSTRONG.
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION. HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.  HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.     
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on November 12, 2017, 07:12:02 AM
The Will
This is especially for Seniors but also for those who have not prepared their Will!!
 
Mr. Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.
 
The nurse, his wife, daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
 
He asks that 2 witnesses be present and a camcorder in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

"To my son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."
 
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre.
 
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the east bank of the river."
 
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize the extent of his real estate holdings, and as Mr. Smith slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have worked very hard to have accumulated so much property".
 
To which the wife replied, "The idiot had a paper route."
 
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on November 19, 2017, 11:03:16 AM
For all my fishing friends.
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=U3AEyYXakmA&list=PLle2C_LEZDfgA4Yn12nCC-guGZhVDfXY8&index=3
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on November 19, 2017, 11:18:12 AM
Cairns, Australia tourist video
Those with a sensitive nature should avoid opening this link.
Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=o9NA9JmQqk4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on November 22, 2017, 11:21:19 PM
Soon after O'Shaughnessy clocked in for work, the foreman called him over and told him that he had a phone call in the front office.
When O'Shaughnessy returned, he had a mournful expression on his face and his head hung low. His foreman noticed and asked if it was bad news.' To be shure it was, Boss, 'he replied, 'I just found out from Ireland that my mother died earlier this morning.'
'Gosh, that's awful, 'replied the foreman, 'Do you want the rest of the day off?'
'No, 'replied O'Shaughnessy. ' I'll finish the day out.'
About an hour later, the foreman returned to inform him that there was another phone call for him in the office. This time when O'Shaughnessy returned he looked twice as glum, and the foreman asked if everything was alright.
'Bejeezuz Boss, its even worse news. That was my brother, and his mother died today too
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on November 22, 2017, 11:46:24 PM
Top joke.  I'm stil laughing.
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on January 11, 2018, 08:08:45 AM
Nigel the bear hunter.

Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_aAj2jMg1I
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on January 11, 2018, 08:39:41 AM
Japs and stuff
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=x5h5nPLK6_Q&list=RDXO6tLt5HV1c&index=10
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: maraudingscot on January 20, 2018, 12:59:52 PM
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she?s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that?s parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank?s underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
?We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we?re a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000??
?Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on January 24, 2018, 09:03:20 PM
A group of guys,all turning 40,discussed where they should meet for Lunch.
Finally it was agreed they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini shirts
Ten years later at age 50 the friends once again discussed where they should meet for Lunch
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive the food and service was good and the Beer selection was excellent
Ten years leter at age 60 the friends again discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because there was plenty of parking ,they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music and it was good value for money
Ten years later at age 70 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled
Ten years later at age 80 the friends discussed where they should meet for Lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet in Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because they had never been there before
  oldmanwithstick
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on January 25, 2018, 09:05:41 AM
 I went to my local dentist and asked how much to have a tooth extracted. 800 baht he said.
Bloody hell was my response, why so expensive?
It's the anaesthetic he said, prices have gone up recently.
How much without anaesthetic then I asked?
Oh, that'd be 150 baht sir.
Perfect! I replied. Can I book the wife in for next Monday then please?
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on January 27, 2018, 10:37:28 PM
Crazy Aboriginal Calls Defence Force
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=hSMhDcpQxXg

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 09, 2018, 06:03:39 AM

                           

Dear Ma and Pa,
                               

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
 
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things.  No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
 
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.  It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
 
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.  A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home.  Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
 
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown.  They don't bother you none.
 
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing.  I keep getting medals for shooting.  I don't know why.  The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home.  All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it.  You don't even load your own cartridges.  They come in boxes.
 
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training.  You get to wrestle with them city boys.  I have to be real careful though, they break real easy.  It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake.  I only beat him once.  He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
 
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

 

 

Your loving daughter,
Alice

Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 13, 2018, 05:40:03 PM

At Heathrow airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As they rode towards Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a most ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, ?Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I?m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.?

George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, ?Your Majesty, please don?t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn?t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 13, 2018, 05:46:30 PM
A successful businessman, Pavel, flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round flight ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he?d be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a taxi waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the taxi driver. He promised to send the driver money from home. Pavel offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc?

The driver said, ?If you don?t have twenty dollars, get the hell out of my car!?

So the businessman Pavel was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later Pavel, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Las Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a taxi back to the airport. Well who should he see out there at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

Pavel thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

Pavel got in the first taxi in the line, ?How much for a ride to the airport,? he asked?

?Twenty bucks,? driver replied.

?And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way??

?What did you say ?! Get the hell out of my car.?

Pavel got into the back of each taxi in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ?How much for a ride to the airport??

The taxi driver replied, ?Twenty bucks.?

Pavel said  OK, and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of taxis, Pavel gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 15, 2018, 10:54:35 PM
Sir Les Patterson (Barry Humphries)


Regards

www.youtube.com/watch?v=nULFMp4jKBo

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: urleft on February 17, 2018, 10:01:13 AM
President Trump was walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, "Mickey Mouse!"

This startles the would be assassin, and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent?s supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"

Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout, "Donald, duck!"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 17, 2018, 01:39:53 PM

Tired of his low approval ratings, President Trump called up the director of the Central Intelligence Agency and said, ?I want to see your very best agent in White House first thing in the morning.?

Several minutes later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most talented American agent was headed back to Washington.

The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. Mr. Trump said, ?I hear you?re the best in the business. I can?t trust what my staff tells me.

So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Do I make myself clear??

The CIA agent responded approvingly. He left the Oval Office and wasn?t heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Sunday morning, and the President saw him immediately.

The President said, ?Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office??

?Yes, sir.?

?Well, then, express the will of the people,? Trump ordered.

So the agent stood up, pulled out his revolver, and shot him.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on March 20, 2018, 06:47:25 PM

..I asked my mates wife how her diet was going,
"not good" she replied,"had eggs for breakfast",
"fried?" I asked
"Cadburys" she replied
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on March 26, 2018, 12:31:05 PM
Australia's Sir Les Patterson
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dl4ie3TaPGg&index=6&list=RDHOv24zm4Y6I
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: nanglong218 on March 26, 2018, 07:51:56 PM
It's quarter to seven,is this a dry run? Too funny.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 01, 2018, 07:38:23 AM
Live & Rampant! Les Patterson has a Stand Up
Regards


www.youtube.com/watch?v=HLK1rt3v5cI
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: nanglong218 on April 01, 2018, 03:55:42 PM
Aussie suicide counselling. 

A desperate looking young woman stood on the edge of a high cliff....preparing to jump.
A dirty, filthy old tramp wandered by, stopped and said "Look, as you'll be dead shortly and it won't matter to you, how about having sex with me before you go"
"Get away from me you filthy bastard" she screamed.
"Never mind" said the tramp "I'll just go and wait at the bottom"
She didn't jump.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 01, 2018, 06:33:16 PM
Love it.
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: nanglong218 on April 06, 2018, 03:09:13 PM
An absolute beaut from today's TVF

Two Thai girls asked if I wanted to sleep with them, it would be like winning the lottery.
They were right, we had six matching balls.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on April 13, 2018, 11:13:09 AM
Happy Songkran  thumbup
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on April 14, 2018, 11:53:14 AM
 loco
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on May 10, 2018, 06:59:10 PM
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere tractor. Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,
"What the world're ya doing, Billy Bob?"
"Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"But me'n the wife been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 17, 2018, 05:35:09 PM
Channel 9 Best Of The Paul Hogan Show (1997)
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu2YzYG0b98
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 26, 2018, 03:25:56 PM
The Honeymooners - Mom the Blabbermouth
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=92YQbNLnh_Q
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 26, 2018, 03:48:52 PM

Rodney Dangerfield's - BEST-1-LINERS Part 1
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wwydc6fOEwE
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on May 27, 2018, 05:00:30 PM
 ::)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on June 01, 2018, 08:08:53 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: DeputyDavid on June 01, 2018, 09:47:26 PM
Lol. Absolutely true!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on June 03, 2018, 06:22:45 PM
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on June 07, 2018, 09:40:16 PM
1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

4. A teenage boy asks his granny: ?Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?? Granny replies: ? The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen??

5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: ?What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?? Hubby looks her up and down and replies: ?Your sense of humor!?
(Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00. )

6. A chap's wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.
(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

7. I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

8 . I woke up this morning at 11:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds now serve breakfast all day.

9 . My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" I replied: "Oh, so now you want me to stay!?

10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

11 . The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her: "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"
(The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

BACTERIA...It's the only culture some people have!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on June 17, 2018, 08:43:40 AM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on June 23, 2018, 07:57:20 AM

Benefits Question!
Dear Member of Parliament,
I have a rather complicated Benefits Question.
Many years ago, I married a widow out of love who had an 18-year-old daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.  My father eventually married her without my authorization.
 
As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law. My father's wife  (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my  grandchild because I am the husband of my step-daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. As you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father's wife.
 
Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife's grandchild.
A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's wife, and my uncle.
 
My son is also my step-mother's  brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have  become my own grandfather. In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know  the following:
 
So my question is - Does my son,  who is also my uncle, my father's son-in-law, and my step-mother's brother  fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
 
Sincerely yours,
 
Abdul Mohammed
 
 THE   REPLY:
 
 Of course you qualify Abdul Mohammed! When I become PM I?ll arrange to start depositing benefits to the bank accounts for all of you just as soon as you arrive here.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on June 23, 2018, 10:31:09 AM
Rodney Dangerfield Has Carson Hysterically Laughing (1979)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=jrFgD9-l390
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on June 26, 2018, 01:11:11 PM
An airplane was going down & everybody knew they would crash in the ocean below.

A rich lady takes off all her clothes and puts on every diamond she has on her body. The passengers all look at her and say, "What are you doing ?!"

She says "When we are in the ocean, my diamonds will sparkle and I will be the first one they find."

Then another woman takes off all her clothes and covers herself with $100 dollars bills. The passengers all look at her and say, "Now what are you doing??"

She says, "When we are in the ocean, the $100 dollar bills will be floating all around me and they will find me first".

Then a black lady tears off some of her clothes and gets just ... butt-naked! All the passengers look at her and say ... "What are you doing ?!"

The black lady says ... "Boy, you know, the first thing they always look for is the BLACK BOX!!!

 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on July 30, 2018, 10:45:57 AM
Nookie's Delights...(sorry  but couldn't resist the urge to post it)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on July 30, 2018, 04:10:25 PM
 ::) whistle  :blink: :o :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on August 06, 2018, 07:20:05 PM
 ;D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: urleft on August 10, 2018, 06:09:29 PM
Six retired Jewish Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."


Goldberg goes over to the Meyer?s condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?


Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."


"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.


"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 24, 2018, 09:40:24 PM
 :biggrin:

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 27, 2019, 02:51:10 PM
Some mothers do have em
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tulFeVPSb7k
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 27, 2019, 03:01:35 PM
Benny Hill Wife Swap
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pc6z0nK6vsE
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 27, 2019, 03:14:42 PM
Al Bundy Shoe salesman
www.youtube.com/watch?v=IRCHBi0DRFg
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on May 27, 2019, 05:59:16 PM
Roller skating
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lFLpwRMS00g
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on June 03, 2019, 03:20:36 PM
Sir Les Patterson
www.youtube.com/watch?v=v67JB7kPVWk
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on June 04, 2019, 06:39:04 PM
Kath and Kim Australian version.
Regards
www.dailymotion.com/video/x6kytn5
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 06, 2019, 12:32:14 PM
Two Ronnies Four Candles - Hardware Shop Sketch 1976
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7LKJXvf_do
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 06, 2019, 12:36:59 PM
Betty tells Frank that she is pregnant
www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6Veqg8ZcqI
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on July 08, 2019, 12:32:59 AM
King Billy Cokebottle (20 Dollars)
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=d64aNk-bsQs
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on July 14, 2019, 03:34:36 PM
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 24, 2019, 04:02:53 AM
ALF GARNETT, WAITING FOR HIS DINNER
Regards
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5bC9IvGpXSo
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 26, 2019, 07:08:39 AM
Alf Garnett & The TV Licence
Regards
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOV4PMFQacE&list=RD1KpF-9aS_OA&index=7
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on August 28, 2019, 05:29:16 PM

Benny Hill - Home Catering (1989)

Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=gUjFAL6FtlM
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on October 10, 2019, 01:55:56 PM
Dynamo Magician Impossible S04E03 HDTV
www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUu4kDq228Q
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on October 19, 2019, 08:07:11 PM
not so little Red Riding Hood
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on October 20, 2019, 12:14:22 AM

Dishonarable, a Discharge

Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ip0BIe_nE_4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on October 20, 2019, 09:04:26 AM
Not so little Red Riding Hood
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 28, 2019, 01:46:55 PM
For his birthday, little Dave asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is ?280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Dave heading out the front door with a suitcase.
So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Dave told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a ?280,000 mortgage and no fecking bike

 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 30, 2019, 02:27:30 PM
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ?Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.?

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor?s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, ?Well, doc, it?s like this?first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

?Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

?We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin? it between her knees, but still nothing.?

The doctor was shocked! ?You asked your neighbor??

The old man replied, ?Yep, none of us could get the jar open.?

 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on December 09, 2019, 06:54:14 AM
Bogan Hunters Australia
Regards   
www.youtube.com/watch?v=QmK6dfiwq_U
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on December 10, 2019, 06:00:23 AM
Housos
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdgTpBvp9n4

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on December 10, 2019, 06:13:19 AM
Fat Pizza S05E02 - Law & Order Pizza
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=5AZPJG02lU4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on January 27, 2020, 02:04:10 PM
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and, sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 20, 2020, 04:33:28 PM
George and Mildred             
?Your money or your life?
youtube.com/watch?v=TKz_dwlkg8A
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on February 20, 2020, 07:02:30 PM
Hi Tassie, I hope you don't mind, the link did not work but this one does....Jivvy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKz_dwlkg8A (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKz_dwlkg8A)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on February 21, 2020, 02:08:35 AM
Thanks jivvy.
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 04, 2020, 07:51:43 AM
South Park
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqvUuMpU554
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 04, 2020, 08:08:53 AM
Some Mothers do have em
Regards
www.dailymotion.com/video/x5at363
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 05, 2020, 09:09:24 AM
Housos Birthday
Regards


www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJVwLfA2ScQ
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on April 05, 2020, 10:38:28 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 11, 2020, 06:03:19 AM
Benny Hill    The Handyman
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=tO82gPWJj8k
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on April 11, 2020, 06:21:15 AM

Fat Pizza S05E07 - Cracker Pizza
Regards
www.youtube.com/watch?v=peHaeawAK7I
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on May 20, 2020, 09:04:37 PM
A Man goes to the Doctors and says he's feeling depressed.

The Doctor says " I want to prescribe you a new cutting edge drug against depression. But I have good news and bad news about the drug "

The Man replies "I would prefer to hear bad news first".

The Doctor says " Okay. Bad news are that said drug has many side-effects. You will feel dizzy, tired, bad taste in your mouth, periodical urges to vomit, its will cause erectile dysfunction ,deafness and you may get ringing in your ears."

The Man asks " And the good news ? "

The Doctor replies "You won't give a f^^k."  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on May 31, 2020, 11:06:57 AM
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 17, 2020, 08:22:44 AM
Two old ladies meet in Heaven.

SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.

 

WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

 

SYLVIA: I froze to death.

 

WANDA: How horrible!

 

SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.What about you?

 

WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching television.

 

SYLVIA: So, what happened?

 

WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!

 

SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive today!
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 18, 2020, 01:44:59 PM
For UK Members #6
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on September 28, 2020, 06:29:21 AM
Disorder In The Court | The Three Stooges
Regards


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOLx5HqIcgA
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on December 08, 2020, 03:22:10 PM
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Ireland, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex, and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited. :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: jivvy on December 08, 2020, 06:12:14 PM
Careful What You Ask For.
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange. The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes.'"
"Keep going!"
"I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, You now have three wishes.' I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger.' She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, What will be your second wish?'"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
"I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream.' She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?'
I looked at her and replied, How about a little head?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Tassie on January 02, 2021, 06:10:06 AM
 MAMA'S BIBLE


 One evening, four brothers chatted together after dinner .
 They discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

 

- The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
- The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the  house."

-The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."
 -The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I bought her a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers over 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

 The other brothers were impressed.
 
 After the birthday celebration Mama sent out her "Thank You" notes.
 

She wrote:
 Milton, the house you built is so huge that I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.
 Thanks anyway."
 
 "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes.
 The thought was good. Thanks anyway."

 "Michael, you gave me an expensive theatre that can hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing, and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it.
 Thank you for the gesture just the same."
 
 "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
 The chicken was delicious.Thank you so much."

 Love, Mama
Regards
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on January 02, 2021, 01:12:04 PM
How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published  by court reporters who had to keep a straight face.
_______________________________

BARRISTER: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ?Where am I, Cathy??
BARRISTER: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
BARRISTER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
BARRISTER: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
BARRISTER: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can?t remember which.
BARRISTER: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
BARRISTER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
BARRISTER: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Now doctor, isn?t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn?t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
BARRISTER: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He?s 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
BARRISTER: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
BARRISTER: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different barrister. Can I get a new barrister?
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
BARRISTER: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
BARRISTER: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
BARRISTER: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I?m going with male.
_____________________________________
BARRISTER: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your barrister?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
BARRISTER: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral?
_________________________________________
BARRISTER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
BARRISTER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
BARRISTER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

BARRISTER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
BARRISTER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
BARRISTER: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
BARRISTER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on July 20, 2021, 04:06:05 PM
Have you noticed how many Formula One drivers have names linked to Scottish towns?
Stirling Moss.
Lewis Hamilton.
Eddie Irvine.
Ayr Town Centre.

 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on July 21, 2021, 12:18:48 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 09, 2021, 06:04:52 PM
Always best to apologize :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6FZLkda7mhA
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on August 09, 2021, 07:28:45 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 20, 2021, 10:30:36 AM
A young boy was sitting at the side of the road crying his eyes out, his dead hamster in his hands.
A fairy godmother asked him what the matter was. He said ?I loved my pet hamster and it just died ?.
The fairy godmother said ?Well I can?t bring it back to life, but I can suggest that you can make some good of the situation?.
The young boy asked ?How do I do that ??
The fairy godmother replied ?Go home put the hamster in a pan and add a bag of sugar. Heat the pan up stirring well and simmer for an hour. Allow to cool, pour it onto your garden and see what happens?.
The young boy did exactly as she suggested. The next day, he went into the garden and there were masses of daffodils everywhere!
He ran back to the road where he?d seen the fairy godmother and she reappeared and asked the young boy how he?d got on. 
He said ?It?s fantastic, there are daffodils everywhere!?
The fairy godmother replied ?That?s really strange, you normally get tulips from hamster jam!


I'll get me coat  :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 20, 2021, 11:47:44 AM
Bob Ross - We don't make mistakes , we have happy accidents :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNAWKNSQddk
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 22, 2021, 12:25:01 PM
Forest Flattening The Curve :laugh:  ( for my good friend CoCo  thumbup )
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 23, 2021, 09:43:34 AM
I read today that Mark Knopfler's parents used to own a chip shop and keep bees. Not surprisingly, he got his honey for nothing and his chips for free.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on August 23, 2021, 10:38:58 AM
;)

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 23, 2021, 11:25:18 AM
@ iammike   :laugh: ( we need a like button )
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on August 23, 2021, 11:49:37 AM
Thx @Smithy ;). Indeed need a like button
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChuckNorris on August 24, 2021, 05:53:20 PM
Forest Flattening The Curve :laugh:  ( for my good friend CoCo  thumbup )

Saw this on BBC Sport "Lage not happy at Wolves fixture pile-up
Nottm Forest v Wolves (20:00 BST)"

Not really a worry.  :D :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 24, 2021, 06:28:05 PM


I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 24, 2021, 06:30:48 PM
To keep Gerry Happy  :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 24, 2021, 06:32:16 PM
I see the Joke Police have been active  :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 24, 2021, 06:51:38 PM
I see the Joke Police have been active  :laugh:

I hope the Joke Police don't spot dimple joe's joke here # post 28  :laugh:

http://www.buriramexpats.com/forum/index.php/topic,10314.15.html
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Gerry on August 24, 2021, 09:52:26 PM
To keep Gerry Happy  :laugh:

Good one. Although I don't need jokes on BE to keep me happy. Life couldn't be better right now. I know there are lots of issues going on right now but they are beyond my control. What I can control is going very well.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 24, 2021, 10:42:30 PM
I see the Joke Police have been active  :laugh:

I hope the Joke Police don't spot dimple joe's joke here # post 28  :laugh:

http://www.buriramexpats.com/forum/index.php/topic,10314.15.html

Sorry I was wrong, I though a joke I had posted had been removed ...but it was on the other thread "Funny Photos" ......oops  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 25, 2021, 07:24:11 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on August 26, 2021, 12:40:20 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on August 26, 2021, 04:15:22 PM
Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.

What do you call a pig with laryngitis? Disgruntled.

Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.

Why do bees stay in their hives during winter? Swarm.

If you're bad at haggling, you'll end up paying the price.

Just so everyone's clear, I'm going to put my glasses on.

A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.

I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.

Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.

How much did the pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buccaneer.

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

I lost my girlfriend's audiobook, and now I'll never hear the end of
it.

Why is 'dark' spelled with a k and not c? Because you can't see in the

dark.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock? Time will tell.

When I told my contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, he gave me a
blank stare.

Bono and The Edge walk into a Dublin bar and the bartender says,
"Oh
no, not U2 again."

Prison is just one word to you, but for some people, it's a whole
sentence.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person's
walk, and the result was staggering.

I'm trying to organize a hide and seek tournament, but good players
are really hard to find.

I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. I won't
lie, it was a rocky road

What do you say to comfort a friend who's struggling with grammar?
There, their, they're.

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the
Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, "Aisle B, back."

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing his
own incision? Suture self.

I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried
grapes. It's all about raisin awareness.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 27, 2021, 11:14:26 PM
A guy starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does so, a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade. Realising his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps that pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything... He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here??

The lion says: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees :biggrin:

Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 29, 2021, 10:16:23 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 29, 2021, 10:21:24 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChuckNorris on August 29, 2021, 02:50:22 PM


I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are.  :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 29, 2021, 06:23:16 PM

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

A Triangle has 3 points  :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 29, 2021, 06:26:57 PM
Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of Somerset on a Saturday afternoon miles away from a radio or TV, suddenly one man turns to the other and says 'Forest have lost again'.
The other man was astonished and said 'how on earth do you know that ?'
The other man replied 'It's quarter to five.' :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 29, 2021, 07:07:44 PM


I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are.  :)


You will have to do better than that Chuck  -  after 54 years of supporting Forest my skin is thick enough to take jibes like that  :) .....and from Smithy the Yid.


Fulham ?  That is unusual, not the biggest fan base, what is the connection?

I am impressed with Fulham especially Mitrovic. A good manager in Marco Silva - but so was Scott Parker.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChuckNorris on August 30, 2021, 12:38:41 AM


I am not bloody happy!


It is not easy being a Forest fan these days......

What's the difference between a triangle and Nottm Forest?

I'm a Fulham fan. You might be hearing quite a bit from me if things continue as they are.  :)


You will have to do better than that Chuck  -  after 54 years of supporting Forest my skin is thick enough to take jibes like that  :) .....and from Smithy the Yid.


Fulham ?  That is unusual, not the biggest fan base, what is the connection?

I am impressed with Fulham especially Mitrovic. A good manager in Marco Silva - but so was Scott Parker.

Born and spent my youth in Reigate. Nearest grounds, in order at the time, Selhurst Park, Pough Lane, Craven Cottage then Stamford Bridge.

Not supporting Palace goes without saying. Wimbledon were still the unknown. Between Chelsea and Fulham. Everyone seemed to support Chelsea. Thought I would be different.

Don't follow so much now. Keep up with the scores and position in the league but that's about it.

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on August 30, 2021, 09:57:15 AM

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 30, 2021, 12:42:09 PM

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!


Bromley/Reigate only 20 odd miles apart you two could have been twins!   thumbup
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: ChuckNorris on August 30, 2021, 01:43:21 PM

Didn't know Smithy was Spurs. Flying start this season.

From Bromley , Lived opposite Bromley Town FC's  ground on Hayes Lane  and went to most of the  home games as a kid  ,also went to Palace sometimes .Started following Spurs when in the First Division ( now EPL ) when I was collecting Football cards .Like you I dont follow Bromley or Palace now but Keep up with the scores and position in the league. I still watch Football but since all this taking the knee shit and Spurs having a LGBT flag covering the tunnel I've lost some interest in the game .  Sorry this  virtue signalling is not a bit of me. Get woke , Go broke !!


Bromley/Reigate only 20 odd miles apart you two could have been twins!   thumbup

Ah, yes. That must have been what caused the confusion on the Surin forum.  :D :D
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on August 30, 2021, 10:19:33 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on September 01, 2021, 04:22:05 PM
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This my asthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget?Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it
until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to
your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them.The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 01, 2021, 08:05:05 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 01, 2021, 11:35:04 PM
Some great trolling  :laugh:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omJE-oYNKFg
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on September 02, 2021, 09:28:28 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 03, 2021, 01:30:09 PM
 :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 04, 2021, 10:19:02 AM
Methylated Spirit

A Scruffy Tramp walks into a DIY Sop and says  "Bottle of methylated spirit please."

The Shopkeeper "Look mate, no offense but I wasn't born yesterday. I can't sell that to you when I know you're just gonna drink it."

The Tramp says "Hey, what are you implying? This is ridiculous, I'm using it to restore some antique furniture"

"All right, all right, sorry .." says the shopkeeper, " It's just that we have tramps coming in here buying meths , drinking it and being sick in the local doorways .... That's ?0.62  just taking a bottle off the shelf."

The Tramp says  "Oh OK thanks ....... , BTW do you have a cold one?"  :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 05, 2021, 11:24:31 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 06, 2021, 03:37:22 PM
;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on September 09, 2021, 12:34:14 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on September 09, 2021, 06:47:10 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 10, 2021, 08:04:46 AM
One for both camps  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 13, 2021, 06:33:11 PM
;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on September 16, 2021, 07:49:50 PM
Both lucky in reality.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 16, 2021, 08:25:52 PM
Both lucky in reality.

In the same vein ;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 16, 2021, 08:29:31 PM
BIDEN'S US of A  screwy
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 16, 2021, 08:34:26 PM
I've been a bit bored of late,  so I brought myself a Jigsaw  :biggrin:

I THINK I'VE ..... 
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on September 17, 2021, 07:36:01 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on September 17, 2021, 07:37:18 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on September 17, 2021, 07:38:09 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 17, 2021, 11:43:41 AM
 bike037
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Thai Bart on September 18, 2021, 02:22:00 PM
If like me you can't afford the real thing, here are some ideas to spruce up those old boring wheels.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 20, 2021, 12:53:08 PM
Hope mine dont swell up after the Jab  :biggrin:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 30, 2021, 10:09:58 AM
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 30, 2021, 04:27:38 PM
Another UK Fuel joke  bike038
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on September 30, 2021, 10:05:42 PM
Two American tourists were driving through Wales.
As they were approaching llwanfairpwllgwngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogoggogoch they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town?s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the girl:-
?Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?
Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly??
She leaned over the counter and said, ?Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing.?
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on October 02, 2021, 06:55:54 AM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on October 05, 2021, 07:07:17 AM
Why Life Jackets Should Be Mandatory! :laugh:

http://youtu.be/GukIoZ8d3Ew
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 07, 2021, 07:02:48 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 07, 2021, 10:42:26 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 07, 2021, 11:01:52 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 12, 2021, 07:37:50 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 12, 2021, 02:30:05 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 12, 2021, 08:28:50 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 14, 2021, 07:32:51 AM

I bought a loaf of bread for ?1.03 from the supermarket this evening and gave the grumpy looking cashier a ?20 note.


She said "Have you got anything smaller? That'll take all my change".

I said "I can pay by card if that helps"

She sarcastically replied "Of course that helps!"


As I presented my card she said "Cash back?"




I said "Yes please, ?18.97"
😂
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 15, 2021, 06:35:38 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 23, 2021, 11:35:31 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on October 23, 2021, 11:39:49 AM
Getting rid of Moles or Gophers ..
Instructions are simple enough:
1,Run a gas hose from your BBQ propane tank into the gopher hole.
2.Let-off just a ?little bit? of gas into the hole. Note to self: Propane is heavier than air and will settle into the low spots below ground where the gophers live.
3.Ignite with a match and carefully throw it into the hole. *

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2XBQbS0ACm4
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 23, 2021, 11:40:38 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 26, 2021, 07:39:51 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 27, 2021, 09:38:14 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 27, 2021, 09:40:18 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on October 31, 2021, 11:41:40 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 01, 2021, 05:14:11 PM
 :)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 02, 2021, 07:25:07 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 03, 2021, 08:12:46 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 05, 2021, 10:03:20 AM
The Tale of Greta

One crisp winter morning in Sweden, a cute little girl named Greta woke up to a perfect world, one where there were no petroleum products ruining the earth. She tossed aside her cotton sheet and wool blanket and stepped out onto a dirt floor covered with willow bark that had been pulverized with rocks. ?What?s this?? she asked.
?Pulverized willow bark,? replied her fairy godmother.
?What happened to the carpet?? she asked.
?The carpet was nylon, which is made from butadiene and hydrogen cyanide, both made from petroleum,? came the response.
Greta smiled, acknowledging that adjustments are necessary to save the planet, and moved to the sink to brush her teeth where instead of a toothbrush, she found a willow, mangled on one end to expose wood fibre bristles.
?Your old toothbrush?? noted her godmother, ?Also nylon.?
?Where?s the water?? asked Greta.
?Down the road in the canal,? replied her godmother, ?Just make sure you avoid water with cholera in it?
?Why?s there no running water?? Greta asked, becoming a little peevish.
?Well,? said her godmother, who happened to teach engineering at MIT, ?Where do we begin?? There followed a long monologue about how sink valves need elastomer seats and how copper pipes contain copper, which has to be mined and how it?s impossible to make all-electric earth-moving equipment with no gear lubrication or tires and how ore has to be smelted to a make metal, and that?s tough to do with only electricity as a source of heat, and even if you use only electricity, the wires need insulation, which is petroleum-based, and though most of Sweden?s energy is produced in an environmentally friendly way because of hydro and nuclear, if you do a mass and energy balance around the whole system, you still need lots of petroleum products like lubricants and nylon and rubber for tires and asphalt for filling potholes and wax and iPhone plastic and elastic to hold your underwear up while operating a copper smelting furnace and . . .
?What?s for breakfast?? interjected Greta, whose head was hurting.
"Fresh, range-fed chicken eggs,? replied her godmother. ?Raw.?
?How so, raw?? inquired Greta.
?Well, . . .? And once again, Greta was told about the need for petroleum products like transformer oil and scores of petroleum products essential for producing metals for frying pans and in the end was educated about how you can?t have a petroleum-free world and then cook eggs. Unless you rip your front fence up and start a fire and carefully cook your egg in an orange peel like you do in Boy Scouts. Not that you can find oranges in Sweden anymore.
?But I want poached eggs like my Aunt Tilda makes,? lamented Greta.
?Tilda died this morning,? the godmother explained. ?Bacterial pneumonia.?
?What?!? interjected Greta. ?No one dies of bacterial pneumonia! We have penicillin.?
?Not anymore,? explained godmother ?The production of penicillin requires chemical extraction using isobutyl acetate, which, if you know your organic chemistry, is petroleum-based. Lots of people are dying, which is problematic because there?s not any easy way of disposing of the bodies since backhoes need hydraulic oil and crematoriums can?t really burn many bodies using as fuel Swedish fences and furniture, which are rapidly disappearing - being used on the black market for roasting eggs and staying warm.?
This represents only a fraction of Greta?s day, a day without microphones to exclaim into and a day without much food, and a day without carbon-fibre boats to sail in, but a day that will save the planet.
Tune in tomorrow when Greta needs a root canal and learns how Novocain is synthesized. 😊
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: mahdam on November 06, 2021, 03:14:36 AM
 bravo1
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 09, 2021, 05:23:38 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Prakhonchai Nick on November 10, 2021, 05:09:18 AM
Brilliant!
 bravo1
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 12, 2021, 12:13:03 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 13, 2021, 03:44:29 PM
;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: iammike on November 13, 2021, 06:08:13 PM
;)

5555555555

We just need a Cartoon in reply that says "WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER XX I ALREADY GOT??????"
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 14, 2021, 08:22:37 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 20, 2021, 08:30:14 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 23, 2021, 09:39:37 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 24, 2021, 06:00:17 PM
 :laugh:
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 25, 2021, 07:48:10 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 25, 2021, 07:53:44 AM
:laugh:

.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: Smithy on November 25, 2021, 09:55:16 AM
;)
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 25, 2021, 08:21:38 PM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 27, 2021, 08:27:37 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on November 28, 2021, 10:40:46 AM
.
Title: Re: Jokes
Post by: CO-CO on December 04, 2021, 11:16:13 AM
.