Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

Recognise anyone?


 FAMILY
     Three sisters ages 92,  94 and 96 live in a house together. One night  the 96 year old draws a bath.  She puts her  foot in and pauses...  She yells to the  other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the  bath?"  The 94 year old yells back, "I  don't know.  I'll come up and see."   She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I  going up the stairs or down?"  The 92 year  old is sitting at the  kitchen table having tea  listening to her sisters.  She shakes her  head and says, "I sure hope I never get that  forgetful, she knocked on wood."  She then  yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as  soon as I see who's at the  door."
_____________________________________
 

  TELL  ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO ME !!!
    An elderly  Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report  that her car has been broken into..  She is  hysterical as she explains her situation to the  dispatcher:  "They've stolen the stereo,  the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the  accelerator!" she cried.  The dispatcher  said, "Stay calm.  An officer is on the  way."  A few minutes later, the officer  radios in. "Disregard.." He says,  "She got  in the back-seat by  mistake.."
_____________________________________ 
   I  CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
     Three retirees, each  with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine  March day.  One remarked to the other,  "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied,  "it's Thursday..."  And the third man  chimed in, "So am I.  Let's have a  beer."
_____________________________________
     SUPERSEX       A little old lady was running up  and down the halls in a nursing home.  As  she walked, she would flip up the hem of her  nightgown and say "Supersex.."  She walked  up to an elderly man in a wheelchair Flipping  her gown at him, she said,  "Supersex." 
He  sat silently for a moment or two and finally  answered, "I'll take the  soup."
_____________________________________
       ROMANCE An  older couple were lying in bed one night.   The husband was falling asleep but the  wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.   She said:  "You used to hold my hand  when we were courting."  Wearily he reached  across, held her hand for a second and tried to  get back to sleep..  A few moments later  she said:  "Then you used to kiss me."   Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave  her a peck on the cheek and settled down to  sleep.
        Thirty seconds later she  said:  "Then you used to bite my Neck.."   Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and  got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she  asked.. 
"To  get my teeth!"
_____________________________________
     DOWN  AT  THE RETIREMENT CENTER
      80-year old Bessie bursts into the  rec room at the retirement home.  She holds  her clenched fist in the air and announces,"  Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have  sex with me tonight!!"  An elderly  gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"   Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close  enough."
_____________________________________
        OLD FRIENDS        Two elderly ladies had been friends for many  decades.  Over the years, they had shared  all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately,  their activities had been limited  to  meeting a few times a week to play  cards.      One  day, they were playing cards when one looked at  the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me..   I know we've been friends for a long time  but I just can't think of your name.  I've  thought and thought, but I can't remember it.   Please tell me what your name is." Her  friend glared at her.  For at least three  minutes she just stared and glared at  her.
Finally  she said, "How soon do you need to  Know?"
_____________________________________
      SENIOR  DRIVING
      As a senior citizen was driving  down the freeway, his car phone rang.   Answering, he heard his wife's voice  urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on  the news that there's a car going the wrong way  on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell,"  said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's  hundreds of them!"  _____________________________________
     DRIVING
     Two elderly women were out driving  in a large car - both could barely see over the  dashboard.  As they were cruising along,  they came to an intersection.  The  stoplight was red, but they just went on  through.
      The woman in the passenger seat  thought to herself "I must be losing it.  I  could have sworn we just went through a red  light."  After a few more minutes, they  came to another intersection and the light was  red again.   Again, they went  right through.  The woman in the passenger  seat was almost sure that the light had been red  but was really concerned that she was losing it.   She was getting nervous.  At the next  intersection, sure enough, the light was red and  they went on through.  So, she turned to  the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know  that we just ran through three red lights in a  row?  You could have killed us  both!"

      Mildred turned to her and said,  "Oh! Am I  driving?"             

    Please  !!!!               

     TELL  ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US  !!!!



TBWG

 

[scruffys]

Recognise anyone?
very funny keep them coming,,,, scruffys

[TBWG]

Recognise anyone?
very funny keep them coming,,,, scruffys

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by
a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
'Good  morning,' said the young man. 'If I could take a couple minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners...
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and
she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed  it
wide open... ''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least
seen my demonstration.''
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure
from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "well let me get you a fork, 'cause they
cut off my electricity this morning!"



TBWG

[fox]

SENIOR  DRIVING
      As a senior citizen was driving  down the freeway, his car phone rang.   Answering, he heard his wife's voice  urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on  the news that there's a car going the wrong way  on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell,"  said Herman , "It's not just one car.. It's  hundreds of them!"

 

about the hoover joke..... see picture. these sales men will never learn!


 

[TBWG]

*Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**

Brief Pause.

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!!  What about your Uncle Paul?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water **
**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**Then Daddy says,**

**'Swimming pool?  ............**

**Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........

 

[TBWG]

Hi

  An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.   

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach  trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket  to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.   
 
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' 
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...'

Some old men can still think fast.


TBWG
 

[TBWG]

6 affairs!




The 1st Affair


A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.

One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'





The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters
but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant
and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery
to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child
he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can
be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part
he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician
commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated
with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,
stuffed it into his briefcase,
and took it home.

'I have something to show
you won't believe,' he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,
'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover
when she heard her husband
opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,
then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'
she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired
as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it
so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,
not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,
went to the kitchen and returned
with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths
and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,
went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak
and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs
with your wife?'

The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing
to his business down here.'




The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,
'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.
'Now just rest and let the poison work.'


TBWG

[Admin]

This time all jokes were funny!!  

[den Buut]

3,4 and 5 were even more than funny.

[TBWG]

Hi bums


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN.
AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

 

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER,
'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED.
THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM.
THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

 

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

 

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,
'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

 

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

 

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

 

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

 

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

 

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A
LITTLE BITE,THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'



TBWG

[den Buut]

 

[urleft]

Fred show up at the local hangout with this stunningly beautiful young lady on his arm, after she went to powder her nose, all the guys came up.

"Fred, how'd a 65 year old like you get a hot broad like that?"

Fred looks around nerviously "SHHHHHHHHH, she thinks I am 87."

[TBWG]

Have You Ever Danced?


 An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.

   

The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

   

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

 

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,  "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet


 The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.


The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.


The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
   

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.

 

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."

 
There are a few lessons for us all here:

 
Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men, they didn't get old by being stupid.

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you? 

If you find yourself in a hole- QUIT DIGGING!


TBWG

[TBWG]

    Cardiologist's Funeral
     
     
     A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
     elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
     A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
     service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
     the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
     then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
     
     
     At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When
     all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
     of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist.
     
     
     The vicar fainted.


TBWG

[TBWG]

        ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of house keeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Terri.. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Terri to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
        ;
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.  For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Terri. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

        Signed,
        Jim 

        EDITOR'S NOTE:
        Jim died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his ass, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Terri was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.