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Author Topic: Ring any bells?  (Read 552714 times)

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Offline jivvy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1380 on: February 05, 2017, 08:38:43 PM »
 :)

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1381 on: February 07, 2017, 06:49:44 PM »
A thoughtful Yorkshire husband was putting his hat and coat on to make his way down to the local pub.

He turned to his wife before leaving and said,
"Maggie - put thi hat and coat on, Lass!"
She replied,
"Awe, Jack, that's nice - are tha tekking me t'pub wi thee?"
"Nay, Lass," Jack replied
"I'm switching th' heating off while I'm out."


Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1382 on: February 09, 2017, 06:09:26 PM »
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, French scientists found
traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion
that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years
ago.
 
 
Not to be outdone by the French: in the weeks that followed, American
archaeologists dug to a depth of 20 feet before finding traces of copper
wire.  Shortly afterwards, they published an article in the New York Times
saying : ?American archaeologists, having found traces of 250-year-old
copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced
high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the French.?
 
 
A few weeks later, ?The British Archaeological Society of Northern England?
reported the following: ?After digging down to a depth of 33 feet in the
Skipton area of North Yorkshire in 2011, Charlie Hardcastle, a self-taught
amateur archaeologist, reported that he had found absolutely f**k all.  Charlie
has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless.?
 
 
Just makes you  proud to be British, don?t it?
 

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1383 on: February 09, 2017, 06:09:55 PM »
FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.and they got off at Quality Street.
 
He asked her name. 'Polo, the one with the hole' she said, with a Wispa.
 
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
 
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
 
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
 
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
 
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
 
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.
 

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1384 on: February 09, 2017, 06:10:20 PM »
This comes  from 2 math teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience. It has an indisputable mathematical logic.


This is a mathematical calculation and it goes like  this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever  wonder about those people who say they are giving  more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings  where someone wants you to give over  100%.

How about achieving 103%?

What  makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little  mathematical formula that might help you answer  these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J  K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is  represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 =  98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 =  96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 =  100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 =  103%

AND, look how far ass  kissing  will take you;

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So ... one can conclude  with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and  Attitude  will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the  top.

Now you  know why Politicians are where they  are!
 
 

Offline jivvy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1385 on: February 09, 2017, 08:14:29 PM »

An old gent leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the
 first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
 'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
 'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
 'Oh Jim, you old devil you, let's do it!'
 A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation
 and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to
 see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep
 an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
 The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for
 support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old fella drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for at least ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.
 Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
 The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
 After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
 couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The
 policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
 amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the
 couple pass by him, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
 Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that
 wasn't an electric fence' ..

Offline jivvy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1386 on: February 10, 2017, 06:00:19 PM »

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth... back and forth... in and out....

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back. She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed...

Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder...

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "Okay, Okay! I can?t park the car!!! You do it, you b*****d!!!"

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1387 on: February 10, 2017, 08:47:49 PM »
A bit racist, but it made me laugh.
 


Registration  on the first day back at school in London....
Ahmed  Al Sheriah ????????????"here"
Mustafa  Al Sheriah ???????????.."here"
Fatima  El Bindiri ????????????.."here"
Ali  Acmah Shabeeb ????????????here"
Ali Sun  Al En????????????."silence"



Ali Sun  Al En?
Little  girl at the back stands up and says ??????.."It's  pronounced Alison Allen, for f##*  sake.."
 
 


Offline jivvy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1388 on: February 12, 2017, 08:10:43 PM »

An Australian Love Poem (An Aussie Valentine).

Of course I love ya darlin
You?re a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you?re gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don?t mind a bit of flab
It means that when I?m ready
There?s somethin there to grab
So your belly isn?t flat no more
I tell ya, I don?t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there
No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yurs just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best
I?m tellin? ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you?ve got dimples on ya thighs
I swear on me nanna?s grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gonna get
No matter what u look like
I?ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs? on
And fetch another beer.

Offline jivvy

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1389 on: February 12, 2017, 08:47:41 PM »

Little Johnny came home from school to see the family"s pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our rooster is dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that"s so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven.""Gee Dad that"s great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mum today!""What do you mean?" said Dad."Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mum flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I"m coming, I"m coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we"d have lost her for sure...

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1390 on: February 26, 2017, 12:05:29 PM »
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving.
 
They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:
 
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.  Ees bacon, I theenk."
 
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
 
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
 
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon, every imaginable kind of cured pork.
 
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!  Ees a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
 
We ees in the desert don't forget."
 
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
 
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
 
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
 
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
 
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
 
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
 
"Luis, Luis miamigo, what ees it?"
 
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree.  Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees...
 
Ees... a ham bush."

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1391 on: March 03, 2017, 01:04:44 PM »
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said...."Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare."

So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy,
can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Daddy's are.

They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dogs get their first checks Friday.
 
Damn, this is a great country!!!
 
PS:  Now looking for a Chihuahua.   The Welfare lady said Mexicans get extra benefits!!
 

 

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1392 on: March 06, 2017, 07:51:25 PM »
On  a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Minnesota were
listening to the radio during breakfast.  They heard the announcer say,
  "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car
on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get  through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
   
  A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said,
"We are  expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
 
The  next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says,
"We are expecting  12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must  park...."
Then the electric power went out. The  good wife was very upset, and with  a
worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the
street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"
 
 
Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all
men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,
"Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."
                                                                                                                       
 

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1393 on: March 06, 2017, 07:54:19 PM »
ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION 
 
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
 
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
 
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
 
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
 
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
 
'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
 
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
 
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.  'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.  But you've sinned and have to atone.   You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
 
'Four months vacation and five good leads.
 

Offline TBWG

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Re: Ring any bells?
« Reply #1394 on: March 08, 2017, 11:25:05 AM »
A guy comes home completely drunk one night.

He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor and even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone 🎷 last night..!!"

 

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